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Author Topic: Blast from the past  (Read 1035 times)
WayneB73
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« on: January 03, 2011, 04:25:22 PM »

4 years or so to date maybe 5...

an ex finds me on a dateing site...

I remember meeting this girl, she was very controling, urn narcasstic.? any way back then i knew nothing about BPD but i do recall comparing my most recent ex to this girl, they have very similer traits...

any way when i was dating this girl for about 5 weeks, she was alwasy telling me how great i was but her ex asked her to marry him and she basicly used me and played me but like an idiot i allowed it to happen thinking i was going to be her savour...

Any way she finished it because she accused me of beeing to full on because i wanted to see her more than once per week, she would say things like you have already seen me twice this week and thats once more than i had planned to, but she would then say. but you are gorgeous and we have potentiol etc...

Any was i speak to her online for 30 mins tonight, she hasnt chaged at all. trying to control me, saying things like this is a new start for us both the past is the past, she admitted when she see my pic it gave her butterflyes...

she is laying down the rules and laws howe i must be and musnt be, she said, you dont seem as if you have changed much, i tell her, i dont need to change i'm happy and i treat people with respect and dont lead them on... she keeps telling me how gorgeous i still look and she remembers me beeing a cutie etc

then she says i'm off to bed, give me your mobile no and i will think about txting you tomorrow...

so i say you only think.?

she says no promises, but just as long if things dont work out this time you dont get all heavy and keep sending snotty txts,  i tell her if you mug be off and play me again like last time, i would simply tell you to hit_ off, no messing and you wouldnt even hear from me again...

Currenlty i dont like her attitude and i feel like she is trying to control me already,  she is a stunner tho.

any way i'm thinking about letting her txt me and even meeting up with her. put my best gear on looking all smart be polite to her and meet up.  i think it would be nice to have the satisfaction at the end of the night to say thanks but no thanks...

is this a bad idea... ?

iv waited 5 years for her to come back, every girl that has dumped me in my life, have all at some point came back... my most recent ex  12 months ago, im thinking one day she will be back too now...

i want the satisfactio of telling her to her face iv moved up in the world...

what do you guys think?
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sarah1234
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2011, 04:29:26 PM »

I think this all sounds like a quite a bad idea

You describe a really horrible girl. I wouldn't want to be even in a conversation with someone like that  ? ? ?, friends or anything so I am not sure I understand you at all, apart from the last bit where you say you want to prove something to her.

why is this? What do you need to prove to a controlling ex date from 5 years ago?

I would step out of this, re-read your post. It really sounds like you  might be starting to have some issues with women. I can understand that trust is a problem for you after what you have been through. But you are in control of your own life, and only you can change it and keep the unhealthy people out... .its you (us) who let them in.

read and learn some of the lessons and other posts here, they are so valuable and helpful. Learn and grow and very importantly, learn how to move on and let go of your anger and frustration x
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WayneB73
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2011, 04:44:45 PM »

Its just when she ended it with me, she had no consideration for my feeling's she had played me and lead me on,  she called me a physco for sending her a snotty txt...

5 years on she looks me up  and says thing's like  i will give you another chance if you have changed...

i want the satisfaction of saying, you had 1 chance once and you let me down, i;m no tmaking the same  mistake again...   people have said to me people get there comupance etc...   she is so narcasstic she thinks i will drop at her feet. she even said to me, have  you sold that old work van and got a decent car yet...

when a BPD leaves us and we wish we could keep them. we try every thing, people  say at some point they all come back, well 5 years on this girl is back only by accident i must say tho...

i was prepared to stick by her the first time but she used me, i now have the control in my self to say thansl but no thanks somthing i should of done back then, to me that is all the closeur that i never had the first time because i wasnt given a choice and now she thinks i'm gonna drop for her...
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2011, 04:49:26 PM »

Have you read those Charlie Brown comics, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy?

I got a very strong image of Lucy, holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick, all the while saying, no, I won't pull the ball away at the last moment... .I promise.

Game players.  I don't like them.
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sarah1234
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2011, 04:52:28 PM »

I think at some point of our lives, we need to maybe take a step back and look at the part we play in things.

WayneB73 I really don't think that is a very healthy way of thinking, and you should be wondering why you are so hung up on a 5 year old relationship with someone you don't even like.

You are playing the same game!
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WayneB73
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2011, 04:54:29 PM »

No i havnt actually read them comics...

i really never thougth i would here from this girl again.

how can someone after 5 years suddenly say all those thing's  after 5 mins of chatting.?
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sarah1234
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2011, 04:56:29 PM »

1. because you let her

2. because you allowed her

3. because you listened to it

4. because you seem to want her attention?

5. because you now want some sort of revenge?
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WayneB73
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2011, 05:00:57 PM »

I think at some point of our lives, we need to maybe take a step back and look at the part we play in things.

WayneB73 I really don't think that is a very healthy way of thinking, and you should be wondering why you are so hung up on a 5 year old relationship with someone you don't even like.

You are playing the same game!

well as yet i havnt played any game. iv only 10 mins ago finished speaking to her...

I'm not hung up on her after 5 years, i just remmerb how narcassitic she was back then and controlling but unlike the present day, i knew nothing about that kind of behaviour...


it's just nice to have someone from the past that totally ridiculled me to suddenly be speaking again.  thing is i;m not bitter, yes i know she treated me bad last time, but end of day i let her.? just like i did my last ex...

I could just ignore her but i take more satisfaction to say im really happy now, thanks but no thanks, is that really so bad.?
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WayneB73
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2011, 05:03:05 PM »

1. because you let her

2. because you allowed her

3. because you listened to it

4. because you seem to want her attention?

5. because you now want some sort of revenge?

but i'm not alone, iv read countless amounts of threads where people have had contact from an ex BPD after days, weeks, or years, and they are all confussed as what to do...

are you saying your the only person that have dated a BPD and never felt or been compeled to thinking thatey have or could change. 2nd time around.?
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sarah1234
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2011, 05:09:36 PM »

Excerpt


it's just nice to have someone from the past that totally ridiculled me to suddenly be speaking again.  thing is i;m not bitter, yes i know she treated me bad last time, but end of day i let her.? just like i did my last ex...

how is this nice? Do you see what you have written here?

Excerpt
ut i'm not alone, iv read countless amounts of threads where people have had contact from an ex BPD after days, weeks, or years, and they are all confussed as what to do...

yes, and I have given you advice on what to do based on the motives you have explained as to why you want to keep this contact going. Revenge.

Excerpt
are you saying your the only person that have dated a BPD and never felt or been compeled to thinking thatey have or could change. 2nd time around.?

Most of the people on this leaving board are recovering from a BPD relationship. I myself have been taken back in on a 2nd, 3rd, 4th round with someone that I loved and was in an emotional battle with. Once I chose to step out of it, I have stayed that way, with help and advice from here. I have learnt a lot. I see people on these boards struggling but learning.

You have the tools here, you have the advice at your fingertips but you don't really want to seem to see it.

One of the reasons your post concerns me is either that it is saying

I want revenge on all those pwBPD who have wronged me

or

this woman deserves a taste of their own medicine for making me feel bad.

Maybe I have got that wrong on your part

At no point do you say you want to get back with her. You are enjoying the fact she is trying to manipulate you. Thats not healthy

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sarah1234
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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2011, 05:11:41 PM »

pwBPD are not pets to keep, and there is nothing to prove to anyone to try to lure one back in after a few years  ?
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WayneB73
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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2011, 05:23:25 PM »

Sarah,

i think maybe i am poor at writing what i mean...

it may seem like revenge but it's not.  when she finsihed with me and she ridculled me for wanting to be with her because i liked her back then...  she shew no empathy towards me she looked down on me like narcassitic people do etc.  it made me feel so small and low for months,

3 years lalter going back tosummer 2009 i meet my most recent ex and we split up after 5 months 13 month ago...

like your self, i didnt even knwo about personality diisorders i just thougth she was  selfish person, i was genuingly devastated for months, and iv found this exmas alone very difficult 1 year on...

for a person to ridicule you and put you down  to then want you back if it/s 1 year 1 week or 5 years,  it's  almost satisfying especially now when i have no emotional attatchment to her.  to me it's liek gods way of saying she messed up the first time not me and just knowing she still likes me, all that rejection i felt back then it's almost like told ya so...

i guess i could of ingored her but i wanted to see what she had to say for her self... i am now in control and able to make a choice, i want to be fair  and dont think deliberately playingy her for revenge is what i want to do but i really want the satisfaction of saying yo uknow what, you liked me back then, and here i am again. im sorry but iv moved on. you had your chance and blew it.  does that really make me that bad... ?


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sarah1234
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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2011, 05:28:59 PM »

Sarah,

i think maybe i am poor at writing what i mean...

it may seem like revenge but it's not.  when she finsihed with me and she ridculled me for wanting to be with her because i liked her back then...  she shew no empathy towards me she looked down on me like narcassitic people do etc.  it made me feel so small and low for months,

3 years lalter going back tosummer 2009 i meet my most recent ex and we split up after 5 months 13 month ago...

like your self, i didnt even knwo about personality diisorders i just thougth she was  selfish person, i was genuingly devastated for months, and iv found this exmas alone very difficult 1 year on...

for a person to ridicule you and put you down  to then want you back if it/s 1 year 1 week or 5 years,  it's  almost satisfying especially now when i have no emotional attatchment to her.  to me it's liek gods way of saying she messed up the first time not me and just knowing she still likes me, all that rejection i felt back then it's almost like told ya so...

i guess i could of ingored her but i wanted to see what she had to say for her self... i am now in control and able to make a choice, i want to be fair  and dont think deliberately playingy her for revenge is what i want to do but i really want the satisfaction of saying yo uknow what, you liked me back then, and here i am again. im sorry but iv moved on. you had your chance and blew it.  does that really make me that bad... ?

I don't think you can really see what I am saying either.

Its not making you bad, but your potential actions and thoughts are unhealthy. FOR YOU. For healing... .don't you want to move foward? Why dwell on this girl you went out with for 5 little weeks... .all people are different, she might not have NPD or anything wrong with her, and after 5 weeks you cannot know. You are sort of putting your recent exgf into this girls place. You may well want to hurt your ex like she hurt you, instead this girl is there and you may want some satisfaction from that. Even if you feel she can't get hurt, its not a nice way to treat someone - so you are being just as bad as her to be honest.

I would say to you to go and sleep on this... .I think if you really think about it properly, you may see where I am coming from

Being in control means making good healthy decisions. Realistically it should be stay away from those that are bad news, no benefit to your life, walk away. Doesn't matter to them what you have to prove, either they won't listen, your plan won't work and you will feel worse. I really see it as totally pointless to go on a date with her to show her what she is missing. You already say she is attractive. There probably isn't a lot to stop you sleeping with her... .am I right?

You are lonely, maybe she has given you some attention. You can do a lot better.
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WayneB73
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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2011, 05:45:46 PM »

i see what you are saying, but i dont think you see what im saying, i dont care who it is ok. an ex from yesturday or the year before, it could even be someone at work that has treated you bad...

when people do a wrong by you,  sometimes it's nice just to know your not as bad as someone once thought of you...

I havnt said i was going to do anything. maybe i should just date her and see if she has changed, thats not so bad ...

i wasnt sitting here tonight thinking about her from 5 years ago and i didn't email her she mailed me... she didnt even have a picture on so wasnt sure who she was at first...

and if my opinion is ha fcuk you, no chance not going back for 2nds, i dont see how that is bad in any way shape or form...

as yet iv done ntohing other than talk about it on here, and by doing so you have had a dig at me for me thinking out loud all the things i could do...

in all honesty i dont care about her at all, i admit i still hold a tprch for my most recent ex, but she was a saint compared to this old flame...

i have told loads of people that i dont think peopel have BPD it's just an american title  they give to people that treat others bad, 20 years ago you were just classed as a b1tch or somthing etc...

any issues i have with my self as a resut of my  bad experiances with my ex is somthing i'm allready looking into because it has changed me as a person and basicly i'm unhappy with life full stop because my views have changed...


another person could do the most horrible things to me but years down the line, i dont hate anyone, i can forgive but i still think it's nice to have the satisfaction of saying thanks but no thanks and be polite about it.


I'm not gonna take her out  and make her like me just so i can turn around and say, oi here ya go have a taste of your own crap...   what ever i said was spur of the moment...

i'm looking for a fresh start in life.  so thanks
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sarah1234
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2011, 05:51:19 PM »

Its good that you have explained some things, yeah I can see your point about knowing its not you who is a bad person. What bothered me that instead of just saying right there and then to this girl 'thanks but no thanks' and getting that satisfaction, you have kept this going and created it into actively wanting her to want to go out with you. That is clear from the email convo you have posted.

I just keep saying the same thing its not healthy... its not. So what other people think? You know whats real and what is not. Trying to get her to see you are a nice person probably isn't going to work. she is not a nice person and you don't need her in your life. Start your fresh start now!

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2010
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« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2011, 07:38:52 PM »

The clearest indication of good mental health is the walking away from someone who has hurt you and never apologized, not returning again for another go around.

If you are curious about whether a character disordered personality has changed, you'd do best by applying the idea of change to yourself as well. Engaging in order to get even just makes it an even playing field of dysfunction. Win/win for the disorder.

Many of these repeat relationships are meant to support and provide solutions to your upward mobility, not downward spirals. Just like the way we drive a car- our "person" is our vehicle on the road of life. Sometimes it's best to go around people and watch them fade away in the rear view mirror.  Road rage just gets you nowhere- and you've got places to go. Try to get there without becoming sidetracked by the issues of character disordered people or you'll become character disordered yourself.  You've got a choice- they don't. Idea

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