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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Month 7: BPD d13 in residential treatment center  (Read 10997 times)
peaceplease
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« Reply #30 on: December 28, 2010, 03:01:15 PM »

Glad to hear that you had a good Christmas.  Looking forward to hear more about your dd's visit home.


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« Reply #31 on: December 28, 2010, 10:20:01 PM »

lbj - so happy the home visit is going well and look forward to hearing more when you have time again.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

qcr
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« Reply #32 on: December 29, 2010, 07:37:12 PM »

well dear friends...there is so much to tell so I will start at the beginning.  I may not get it all done tonight but I will give it a shot!

sunday, december the 19th.  husband is ill.  went to the 24 hour clinic for meds to help.  caught our flight ok.  had problems at the rental car center as they had us picking up car at 10 am and listed us as a no show...wanted to charge us about 25 a day more than the agreement so we went elsewhere...found a nice young man at Budget rentacar that gave us a great deal plus a free upgrade...it was raining in vegas when we landed so we had a long drive in the rain up to utah.  we didn't get to see BPDd-13 sing in the chorus of Messiah.  the residential treatment center called just as we arrived at our hotel room to see if we were ok as BPDd-13 was expecting to get to stay with us at the hotel that night.  told them to go ahead and put her to bed and we would see her in the morning at 8 for breakfast.

monday 20th.

arrived at falcon ridge at 8 for breakfast.  BPDd-13 so glad to see us ... asked me to "call next time if you aren't going to be able to be here when you said you were".  assured her I would and also apologized for not making the concert...told her also that I had told the case manager we would do our best to get there but it would be close...somehow the message got miscommunicated...or maybe BPDd-13 was just overly hopeful...anyway...it was ok.  after breakfast we had family Positive Peer Culture with nale and all the other girls and their families that were there for the weekend.  I was so proud of my BPDd-13 as she was able to explain to the newer parents who have not had much time working with nale or Positive Peer Culture how the whole process works.  one family was "awarded the meeting"  which means that all the others present would give them feedback on their particular family situation.  at the end of the meeting several people told me "you and your daughter could have run the meeting".  that really gives me the confidence that when my BPDd-13 comes home we can really make a go of starting a Positive Peer Culture group here.

we had an hour free before lunch was being served so my BPDd-13 played a game of chess with another students dad.  she did very well against this 50 something Englishman.  after lunch parents went to a class on "the cycle of anger" with the clinical director/equine therapist.

we were only able to stay for one of the two hours of this class because we had individual family therapy with lorneta...my BPDd-13's t. in this session we talked about mazlows hierarchy of needs.  we received our assignments once more that were to be done during the home visit.:  BPDd-13=close facebook account and delete all emails., give mom and dad the password to the computer, read "anatomy of peace" if you want to apply for trans when  you get back. all of us: journal daily, make a paper chain with positive memories or attributes about BPDd-13 on each link, say the cleansing prayers in BPDd-13's rooms. we also received a worksheet to do on thinking errors. 

BPDd-13 had to go get ready for the graduation program.  she did not want to wear a dress!  husband and I sat at a table up front and BPDd-13 sat on the front of 2 rows of chairs for the girls performing.  there were 2 girls graduating from high school and one girl graduating from the program...she had been there for 14 months...wow!  that's a fortune if mom and dad paid out of their pockets...they sang some Christmas songs.  the last musical number was "wind beneath my wings".  BPDd-13 looked me straight in the eye while she sang that song...i was a blubbering mess! :'(  at the end I signaled to her 'my heart is yours' and she told me "i love you" with silent lips...still standing in the line of girls across the room from me...i will never ever forget this precious 2 minutes.  I would walk to the ends of the earth to experience it again!  after the program was over we had a nice dinner there and the girls were given gifts.  one of them was a book of poetry and writings by the girls.  here is one of the poems my BPDd-13 wrote back in november:

My Forest

my wicked forest will turn you away

even if it seems like it begs you to stay

at the top of the trees there's a fighting wind

like a sword of steel it won't break or bend

a lifeless river flows around it all

to protect my forest so it will never fall

the stones of ash are solid and rough

they make my forest look scary and tough

but inside of it...hidden away

is a sweet little girl who is very afraid

with the help of my friends and those who are close

the ones I push away will help me the most

so i'll tear it apart, by root and vine

this wicked forest is no longer mine.

we left the ranch and went back to our hotel.  husband was tired as it was about 9pm by now and he went to sleep.  BPDd-13 and I laughed and talked...took video of husband snoring, snuck down the hallway to get snacks and she was still having trouble getting sleepy.  I started reading "BPD in Adolescents" by blaise aguirre and she asked me what I was reading.  I told her the name of the book and she said "read me some of what BPD is".  so I read some of the descriptions of how teens experience BPD.  she said "that sounds just like me".  I also told her that since she is so young technically she is dx w/ BPD traits...not the full blown disorder even though there are times in the past that she behaved like she did.   throughout the entire day and night it never stopped raining. ;p

tuesday 21st.

we gave a lift up the mountain to another "new" mom who had not rented a car.  BPDd-13 has her d as a room mate at falcon and reassured her mom that she is doing well and working hard.  we arrived at a few minutes after 8 and had a lite breakfast and headed over to our academic meeting w/BPDd-13's teachers.  just as we came down the hall the case manager came out of her office and told us the call to evacuate had come in and we needed to get BPDd-13 and leave the ranch...no meeting w/clinical director about finances, no power point presentation on nuero feedback therapy, no academic meeting to discuss an iep...just out!  so we did!  we headed back down to hurricane and went to walmart to get BPDd-13 some cold sore medicine..then we went to a resteraunt and had a little more breakfast.  we went back to the hotel where husband rested and BPDd-13 and I watched a movie. we met up with another family who had rented a house and their d is bffs w/my BPDd-13.  we had pizza at their rental home and the girls sang and danced to cd's.  BPDd-13 invited their d back to our hotel to swim in the indoor heated pool.  after the girls swam about and hour BPDd-13 showered and wanted to go do something...go shopping or something.  we went back to walmart and planned to get subway there for dinner as well.  just as BPDd-13 was coming out of the dressing room the entire town of hurricane utah went black!  the emergency lighting came on after just a few seconds and of course the registers still worked! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  subway could not sell anything though so we left with only chips.  husband wanted to find somewhere else to eat but the whole town lost power and BPDd-13 was telling him "i don't feel good about this.  let's just go back to the hotel please".  so he did.  at the hotel the only light was the headlights of cars coming through the open window.  all 3 of us layed in the same bed eating chips and laughing and talking until the power came back on about an hour and a half later.

maybe i'm a little shell shocked...but I think i'm going to hit post so I don't lose all this. i'll begin another shortly...to be continued...

lbjnltx
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« Reply #33 on: December 29, 2010, 08:08:54 PM »

lbj - WHEW - what a whirwind  couple of days. I look forward to the next installment. I am always amazed at the details you retain to share your story.

Thanks, qcr
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« Reply #34 on: December 29, 2010, 09:42:59 PM »

continuation:

wednesday 22nd.

we got up and got ready to head to vegas to catch our flight.  it was raining in hurricane but by the time we got to st. george it was raining heavily.  dh drove too fast for my or my BPDd-13's comfort and we were repeatedly asking him to slow down.  about an hour or so from vegas my BPDd-13 says "mom.  i need to tell you that every little thing is making me feel angry. I don't know why.  it just is.  so that you know in advance that I am feeling this way."  i replied "thank you for letting me know.  we will try our best to help  you cope."  she didn't act out in any way or say anything ugly...i think it was most likely anxiety about driving in the rain and being couped up in the car for so long.  we stopped and ate lunch at ...you guessed it...subway just outside of vegas.  we turned in our rental car, rode the shuttle back to the airport, went through security and headed to our gate..no plane...ok...board still showing it as "on time".  from past experience I know that doesn't mean anything!  so when boarding time came and went and the plane wasn't there I asked the attendant where the plane was coming from?  :).C.  BPDd-13 and I went to star bucks and bought some snacks...finally plane arrived an hour late...sold out flight...packed in like sardines!  we finally leave the gate 1 hour late...go sit on the tarmac for 20 min. when I hear the flight attendant rather loudly asking some passengers on row 4 (we are on row 17) "are we going to take off or are we going back to the gate?" HUH!

next thing I know the pilot announces we are going back to the gate.  apparently a woman made a rude comment to this mom and dad traveling with a 2year old boy and the mom made a threatening comment towards the woman.  so now she is a security risk!  we finally got in the air an hour and 25 minutes late.  it was a rough flight due to turbulence...still raining in vegas.  the drive from the airport home is about 2.5 hours.  not raining here...yeah!  oh...we are in a severe drought at that time. so not so great...anyway...we sat in traffic in the "big city" for about 30 min...made it out...stopped to eat dinner...even though BPDd-13 wanted to get home and go pick up her wiener dog and see her rooms I redid for her...she was kind and patient and enjoyed  the meal...it was cafeteria style served...bar b que!  we were in and out in no time...then there was a 4 car accident on the 2 lane highway which cost us another 20 minutes...we finally get home and BPDd-13 gives me a big hug because she loves her rooms that I re did for her.  she wants to stay home and let me go by myself to pick up her dog.  i am almost to my friends house...just about to turn on the blinker when the sheriff's deputy flashes his lights at me to pull over...what now i'm thinking? I don't speed!  well come to find out the lights on my license plate were both burned out...well actually they weren't burned out they just weren't making contact due to all the dirt that gets inside of them...i live 2.5 miles down a dirt road.  so I get the dog and go home.  by this time I am so tired and the sniffles I came down with when I landed in vegas have become a full blown head cold.  BPDd-13 was so happy to see her little dog. she fell asleep on the couch watching one of her favorite movies "coraline" and holding her dog.  

thursday 23rd.

stepson came in during the night.  BPDd-13 got up around 10.  she called her little friend m to go to walmart Christmas shopping.  we gave BPDd-13 $50 to buy stocking stuffers for the pets and a gift for her friend m.  BPDd-13 was really good about staying w/me.  she was not allowed to be at home or anywhere without dad or i.  i over heard her tell m several times "no.  i have to stay w/my mom" and "no. I can't. i'm not allowed to watch violent shows or play violent games" and "no. i'm not allowed to visit friends at their houses".  we finished our shopping and had lunch at ... yep! subway and then headed home. m stayed until 6pm.  BPDd-13 helped her dad feed the horses and cows and put out 2 hay.  step daughter and her roomy arrived about 9 and BPDd-13 helped them make some snacks as gifts (puppy chow) until about 1 am.

friday 24th.

BPDd-13 got up around 10 to a warm pumpkin pie coming out of the oven...her favorite.  her friend m called to see if she could come over later that day...dad said ok for a few hours.  BPDd-13 and I were in the guest room wrapping gifts when dad came in and wanted to know if she would give her iphone to her stepdaughter (21)ter as hers was broken.  BPDd-13 had already been told that she would not be getting her iphone reactivated because it would come w/internet automatically.  dh was not very sensitive about how he asked and BPDd-13 didn't react very well to his request saying "i thought we were starting with a clean slate" and "it isn't fair that sissy gets internet and I don't".  i told BPDd-13 that having internet on her cell phone posses a safety concern and that when she was over 18 and in college and needed internet on her cell phone we would pay for her to have it too.  i also told her that "we have made mistakes in the past and that doesn't mean that we have to continue to make them".  she calmed down immediately and said "ok. she is such a good sister to me.  i want to give her the phone".  dh was evidently still focusing on the negative and said "never mind. the whole deal is off" and walked out of the room.  that is when BPDd-13 started to cry a little with her head hanging down and asked me "does dad love sissy more than me?" I assured her he does not and that he struggles sometimes to see past his own emotions and stay in his Wise Mind.  after we finished wrapping the presents we called husband back into the room to talk again.  BPDd-13 was not very kind in her words to him...though not hateful either.  dh said "that sounds kind of ugly". I stepped in quickly and said "before we speak, think about how what we are going to say may sound to the other person.  BPDd-13 do you think there was another way to say what you needed to say without being hurtful?" she replied "yes. sorry dad".  i told husband "if she is calm and without attitude you can trust in what she says and believe her." so the situation was resolved and BPDd-13 would be giving stepdaughter (21) her iphone.  dh and BPDd-13 went upstairs so that she could help him wrap my presents.  m came over and played beatles rock band with BPDd-13. stepdaughter (21) went up and played as well.  a little while later m came down and said the girls fell asleep and wouldn't wake up.  m went home shortly.  we opened gifts and BPDd-13 loved her new saddle.  the girls helped me fix dinner and after dinner we watched tv and talked. we went up to BPDd-13's rooms and did the cleansing prayer.

saturday 25th.

BPDd-13 up before me...i'm really ill by this time...the flu!  i cooked Christmas dinner with a mask on...after dinner w/my mom and dad and the rest of the family BPDd-13 went riding for awhile.  she loves her new saddle.  we started watching the football game and worked on the paper chain until BPDd-13 got tired and went to bed.

sunday 26th.

BPDd-13 and husband went to sunday school and church while I stayed home sick. they went to town and got a variety of fruits to have for lunch and got me some meds.  after lunch BPDd-13 and I watched "despicable me" and had fun with that.  she wanted to go riding again but I wasn't able to be out in the RAIN (drought finally over) and husband was napping upstairs.  BPDd-13 "i don't want to bother him.  he is tired from being sick and traveling so much"..  when husband got up we went up to her room and all played rock band together.  we watched the nature program on the wild horses of montana...time for bed and BPDd-13 gave me a hug and kiss on the forehead and told me to "feel better mommy, I love you."

monday 27th.

feeling better today...fever broke during the nite so I took BPDd-13 to the "city" to go to a mall to spend some of her Christmas $.  we had a good time...she bought me a new purse as a gift and bought husband a beatles therapist shirt and a new beatles cd for the family.  when we got home we watched monday nite football for a while until BPDd-13 went to bed.

tuesday 28th.

put together the paper chain and hung it in BPDd-13's room.  she was very proud of it as it reached around almost 2 walls and across the ceiling...that's lots of positive things about her!  we left to go to see my mom and dad's new lake house on the way to the big city to stay the nite w/dh at our city apartment. at the lake house my great nephew (5 yrs. old) played with my BPDd-13 outside in the damp leaves getting all the bad guys with sticks, played go fish and had a snack together before time to leave. when we got to the city we went out to eat dinner and came back and watched "9" until BPDd-13 went to sleep.

wedneday 29th (today)

got to the airport and waited in line at the ticket counter to get a pass for me to go to the gate w/my BPDd-13.  dh arrived just in time to get a pass as well.  bought snacks for BPDd-13 to eat on the plane and she told me she would journal on the plane and finish a book the therapist had given her to read called "the ultimate gift".  dh tried to use his pass to get on the plane w/BPDd-13 and make sure she was seated right and put her bags in the overhead...nothing doing...turned back cold!  so we wave goodbye to her smiling face and fight back the tears.  i went back to the apartment to do some cleaning and get the dog before driving back to the ranch.  about 1/2 way home I called falcon ridge because I had not gotten a call from the staff member who was to meet my d at the gate in vegas.  to make a long story short...staff member (who I paid $125 + shuttle fare) was not allowed through security to meet my BPDd-13.  she sat by herself at the gate for over an hour and a half before they finally got matched up...i was furious and scared for my d.  i had called my mom to try to get airport security to take my d to baggage claim where the staff member was waiting...i called the staff member 2 times but she could not hear her phone ringing in the loud vegas airport (slot machines).  i left her messages for them to please page my d to meet her at baggage claim.  my mom called me while she had airport security on the phone trying to get them to help us...what a mess!  finally my BPDd-13 called me to let me know she was with the staff member and was ok...she was all giggly as the staff member had another student with her as well...don't know how they finally got together...guess I will find out tomorrow when we have family phone therapy.

ok...that's it for now.

thanks for reading...thanks for caring...thanks for praying...thanks for being my faithful friends...God bless you each and every one.


lbjnltx
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« Reply #35 on: December 29, 2010, 10:26:01 PM »

Thank YOU, lbjnltx---for sharing this incredible journey with us.  I hope you sleep well tonight, knowing your dd is back safely, and you can get some rest over the next few days, and even get out of your "Wise Mind" on occasion.  You deserve it!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    Swampped
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« Reply #36 on: December 29, 2010, 10:52:45 PM »

BPDd-13 called a few minutes ago to let me know she got to the ranch...7 hours and 15 minutes since her plane landed...

was only able to say "i'm here, i'm ok. I love you. I will talk to you tomorrow"


?  ;p  

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« Reply #37 on: December 29, 2010, 11:16:57 PM »

lbj - life is an adventure. Hope you can get some rest now. I continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. You give us all such a gift of hope with sharing your story.

qcr    
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« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2010, 07:04:09 PM »

lbjnltx,

God Bless you and your daughter and the adventure you are on.  It sounds like the home visit was quite the success, other than the hic-up with DH.  I hope all subsequent visits and when she comes home permanently that things will go as well if not better.  Woot-woot!

JM
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« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2011, 11:06:14 AM »

thank you for the hopeful wishes and continued support.

we had our family therapist session last thursday.

basically spent about 45 min. going over the home visit and giving encouragement to BPDd-13 to continue to do well and enjoy life.  the therapist had called me wednesday shortly after I had left BPDd-13 at the airport so she already knew the visit had gone well.

the therapist used the analogy of BPDd-13 working calves on my quarter horse (gentle pressure to get them moving in the right direction, staying close but not crowding, and backing off so as not to run them over husband or through the fence) to help my husband have a visual reference in dealing with BPDd-13 during potentially stressful situations.

i brought up to my BPDd-13 that often times I will approach a sensitive subject with the words " I want you to give some thought to...please don't give an answer right now." and that she gives an immediate response or has a reaction.  the therapist explained to BPDd-13 that "mom is giving you a cue that this is potentially a sensitive subject and you need to be mindful of that cue.  this happens in therapy as well.  what do I say when you don't take time to think before you speak?"  BPDd-13:

"you say stop.  I don't want you to tell me your thoughts right now".

we are scheduled to have Positive Peer Culture on tues. and family therapist again on thursday.

lbjnltx
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« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2011, 08:14:29 PM »

lbj - thanks for sharing your journey. D14 has grown up so much, and so much hopefulness toward her return home in the spring. Did you get to find out about the scholarship for March yet?

qcr
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« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2011, 09:25:26 PM »

no, we were unable to have our meeting with the clinical director or owner of falcon ridge due to the evacuation order.  also missed the meeting/power point presentation on neurofeedback therapy for the same reason.  haven't heard from the clinical director yet.  she will call I am sure.

i did talk to case manager briefly today to request that she make a dental appointment for BPDd-13 to have some small cavities filled...the wait for insurance coverage has been met.  also asked her about sending a "nightmare before Christmas" blanket my BPDd-13 bought while at home...she said to wait until individual therapist has time to visit w/BPDd-13 about it.  she told me that my d was complaining this morning about not feeling well...achey...hope she isn't coming down with the flu that I had...have ... getting better daily but not 100% by a long shot yet!

how is gd5?  was she excited about Santa coming?



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« Reply #42 on: January 04, 2011, 09:37:52 AM »

lbj,

I hope that your dd is feeling better soon.  Why was falcon ridge being evacuated?



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« Reply #43 on: January 04, 2011, 09:47:12 AM »

the virgin river that runs directly behind falcon ridge and under the bridge at the drive way was above flood stage.  there is an rv park across from falcon that was partially evacuated the day before.  the owner of falcon has a private residence at the top of a mountain overlooking falcon ridge and the girls that were not leaving for home visits/off campus visits were taken up the  mountain and spent 2 days at the private residence. the grounds of falcon flooded but to  my knowledge none of the buildings took on any water.  my BPDd-13 was extremely concerned for the horses.  I promised her (going on faith) that they would all be well taken care of just like the girls who remained at the ranch were.

the day after the evacuation (i found out later) the virgin river was sweeping away houses in mesquite nevada...apparently we were staying just ahead of the raging river as we drove towards vegas.

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« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2011, 02:28:16 PM »

Dear lbj,

It is amazing that we were thinking of each other at the same exact time.  I have been keeping up with what you post but have been needing to sit quietly with my situation - and do not know when I last posted except for one last week and a response to the ? from the admin.  in a thread they had started. 

I have noticed so many new people here - and with older children.  Lots of good discussions taking place.  Just could not participate unfortunately. 

But I do want you to know and state it in the public thread that I think what is taking place with your daughter is so wonderful and I can see why you would be full of hope for her. I know that once she is released you as her wonderful, loving mother will know exactly what to do- to keep the momentum of your daughter's improvements going- in the right direction. 

Your daughter is very smart and has insight into herself and her feelings.  She wants to be heard and wants her own pain to diminish.  When you described that book to her about BPD and she said that sounded like herself- that was nothing short of miraculous.  She gets it! 

I can see her one day using her own experiences to help others.  She is a caring, loving young woman who just needs to be understood.  You and her father are doing a wonderful job of learning how to make her feel heard and understood.

The therapists (s) at Falcon Ridge are so talented and perceptive and sensitive.  They know just when to step in or even if they have to-"table" something for the time being.  Your initial concerns about DBT - well it seems that whether they define what they do as DBT or not - it was easy to see that DBT was part of what they practice among other excellent techniques.

I could go on and on- but will end here saying that I am so happy for you and your daughter and your family- I cannot see anything but continued improvement and happiness for your family.  It may take continued work- but you are strong and determined and it is easy to see that your daughter is determined to be healthy.  That is what comes across to me.

Take good care.

Much love,

wtsp
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lbjnltx
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7766


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #45 on: January 04, 2011, 04:15:40 PM »

dear wtsp,

thank you so much for taking the time to post your thoughts and feelings about our family's journey. 

i think some of the success/failure for those who have been through a long term inpatient experience depends on the support they get from their families.  my BPDd-13 is planning on starting a Positive Peer Culture group here in our town when she gets settled back at home.  perhaps at school? perhaps at our church? perhaps at the community center?  I started praying today for God to provide the means and the adult leadership needed for this to take place...i am not sure if it is myself or He has another in place...i just believe it will happen.

continue to take good care of yourself my dear friend...

sincerely

lbjnltx
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