Family Therapy session #29
BPDd-13 started the session by telling me that she was pulled out of dance therapy for our therapist session...she said she was having so much fun with all the other girls doing swing dancing/jitterbug. she also told me that yesterday she was helping a peer get her horse from the pasture and all the mares made a mad dash for the gate and got out. she and her peer were able to get them all back in. one girl was trying to help lure them in with a bucket of feed...(not a good idea!) and had to run for it when the horses made a b line for her...she poured out the feed on the grain but didn't drop the bucket...another peer that was watching from outside the fence laughed so hard she wet her pants.
BPDd-13 also helped unload 1400 lbs of hay and cleaned the stalls. she was so proud of herself and excited that the equine staff has a special treat planned for her as a reward for all of her hard work.
mind you...this is the same child who pulled a gun on my horse just last year when she couldn't catch him to put back in his pasture! she has come a long way baby!
the t, lorneta wanted to talk about her amazing accomplishment with little doc last week...getting him to lay down.
t: what did you learn from getting him to lay down?
BPDd-13: that I have to have strong relationships to get something out
them...like trust and respect.
t: how does that translate to your relationship w/mom and dad?
BPDd-13: when horses lay down they are at their most vulnerable. when
I am at my most vulnerable is when I don't want to talk about some-
thing they bring up. that is when I need to trust them the most.
t: how can your parents now you are vulnerable?
BPDd-13: I need to tell them how I feel.
t: what feelings might you be having when you are vulnerable?
BPDd-13: scared or unsure of myself or maybe sad.
t: if you feel scared that can turn to anger. they may be able to help
you through it. if you don't express your true feelings, you may get
angry and then all you are doing as a family is yelling and not deal-
ing with the fear. sometimes we don't want people to see inside of
us. that is when we are the most vulnerable. mom, what can you do
to help her during vulnerable times?
me: we could ask her how she is feeling. and then ask her if she is
able to trust us to help her through this. we can refer to the coping
skills list that she made. first listen without interruption, we can
validate, ask validating questions and if she needs to we can
use coping skills like taking deep breathes, take self time, remind her
the situation is temporary, and if need be, table the issue until self
time is over. I was wondering if we might add a phrase to the list.
I know this phrase has a lot of meaning for BPDd-13. "is this helping
or hurting?"
BPDd-13: yeah. I like that because then I could let you know if you were
not meeting my need at that time and you could try something else.
t: just keep communicating until everyone is satisfied.
me: she told me to "give her a hug even if she says she
doesn't want one. i'm not sure about that though. if she is angry i
don't want to violate her boundaries and force her to let me hug her.
I think it would only make things worse if I did.
BPDd-13: yeah. it would be better if you asked me if I wanted a hug or
reminded me that I was the one that suggested the hug as a coping
skill.
t: great. I think it is important that kids not be forced to have physical
contact with another person. they need to have a voice in that and to
have their boundaries respected. something happened in group wed.
you were belittling yourself saying "no body likes me". why do you
think you want to take away the love others have for you? what do
you need at that time and why do you want to punish yourself?
BPDd-13: I need care and concern. I know I am not in my Wise Mind
when I do that.
t: when you did this at home, saying "you don't love me" what can
mom or dad do to help you get into your Wise Mind?
BPDd-13: tell me "i know you need care and concern". I used to ask my
mom "why do you hate me?"
me: I would try to validate by saying "it must be painful for you to
feel that way" and I had established some boundaries because I did
not appreciate her telling me how I feel. if I tried to reassure her that
I loved her it would end up in an argument or debate. I would end
up saying "please don't tell me how I feel. I am capable of expressing
myself".
t: so mom needs validating too sometimes. lets look at chapter 2 of
"i don't have to make everything all better". mom, what did you take
out of chapter 2.
me: that we need to leave the responsibility of solving problems where
it belongs...with the person who has the problem.
t: you have to work through the consequences sometimes BPDd-13. mom
and dad will work with you and help you all they can but it is up to
you to make personal choices sometimes and if you don't choose
wisely then there may be hard consequences. will you always make
good choices all your life?
BPDd-13: no.
t: mom and dad are not going to rescue you. they will support you,
not rescue you. you need to learn problem solving skills. dad, how
about you, anything you would like to add?
dh: when she has a problem we will give her some ideas, alternatives,
and possible solutions so she can make a choice and solve her own
problems. she can come to us for ideas. we will listen to her and
allow her to choose which avenue she wants to take.
t: if mom and dad don't rescue you who will learn from the conse-
quences? melt downs won't work anymore..in an attempt to have
some peace in the home they may have made some choices for you
or allowed you to do some things that were against their better
judgement. you have done a lot of work on yourself sense then so
you need to take responsibility. anything else from chapter 2?
me: I learned that we need to not offer advice or ideas unless asked.
when offering ideas we are not to forget that it is their choice to
use the idea or not. we are not to use words like "should" and
"ought" when presenting ideas because then we are telling them
what to do and not letting them make their own choice.
t: yes. never tell a teenager what they already know...like "you should
have done such and such..." that only puts shame on them. it would
be better to ask them "what did you learn from this?" do not make
judgements.
me: I know I already feel bad enough without someone else judging my
mistake too.
BPDd-13: I could say "i know I should have..." so that they will know I
have thought about what I could have done differently.
t: you have come so far individually and as a family. I don't think you
will have those melt downs anymore, you just won't need to.
BPDd-13: I don't think I will either.
t: well, she is smiling so we will end this in a happy place.
BPDd-13: bye mom, bye dad, love you...see you later.
me,dh: love you too take care.
end of session
