8.02 | Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart?

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Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart?

In this workshop we would like you all to discuss the pain of breaking up and the difference between a healthy and unhealthy reaction to the pain.

Please share your thoughts.

To catalyze this discussion we will quickly explores some points made by Susan Piver, author of The Wisdom of a Broken Heart.

"It's very important to differentiate between 'healthy' and 'painless," says Piver, "I think people look for a way to end things without feeling bad, and that, of course, is impossible."

What is unhealthy is trying to escape the discomfort.

Piver identifies three typical heartbreak escape routes:

• Not fully facing your soon-to-be-ex, by breaking up via text message or announcing over dinner that you wish to break up and then cutting off contact completely.

• Blaming him or her as a way of letting yourself off the hook. "I had to break up with him when I learned he had debt, wore lifts, lacked ambition, would never become a vegetarian might be reasons you decide not be with someone" Piver says. "Own your own wish to end the relationship; don't put it off on some inadequacy of theirs, she advises."

• ":)oing something wacky, such as being unfaithful, drinking heavily or taking drugs, not showing up to meet the parents, or otherwise forcing your significant other to break up with you.  Although it may be uncomfortable," Piver says,"the honest route is the healthful route."

Who Holds the Power?

What often comes into play in breakup is the balance of power in a relationship. Who's got the upper hand? The person who leaves is viewed as the one with the power. That leaves the other party mystified and befuddled. Quite often the person who senses his partner is about to end the relationship often threatens to leave first as a bluff to see if the other party still cares. The injured party enters a hellish limbo.

Is This Really It?

Many of us want to accept that it is really over, but then we think that perhaps your ex is hiding their feelings, and that if we could do something to extract them, we could put things back together.  Adding to this discomfort is the series of breakups that often precede the final breakup, which leaves both parties wondering if the current breakup is really the final parting.

Contact or No Contact

While wrestling with the finality, there is always the nagging desire to contact the other party.  Maintain a respectful distance, one expert says.  "Give yourself time to re-establish yourself as an individual," according to Michele Many, a licensed clinical social worker and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center. ":)on't go through someone else to try to get information about your ex. And never put family or friends in the middle."  

In most cases, if you are seeking out your ex, it's is an indication that you have unfinished emotional business.

If you happen to cross paths and you manage the situation with little upset or emotion, it's a sign that you may have made the transition in a healthful way.  

But be prepared that the other party may not be in the same place. Have an exit plan. You can't do the processing for them any more than they can do it for you.  

Piver says you should also be aware that sometimes the ex wants to continue the dialog, not so much to process it in a constructive way, but to cling to the relationship.

The parties involved need to determine if it's best to keep talking or cut the ties.

"One way to figure this out", Piver says, "is to hold a good intention. If your intention is to honor your own heart and what you know to be true, and to prevent more pain in the long run for both of you, your words will land in a particular way. If you have the very same conversation, but with the intention of faulting or blaming the other person, the conversation will have a different tone. The impact is therefore different." "Show your true feelings without expecting the other person to respond in any particular way,." Piver says. "If you're sad, cry. If you're upset, express it. If you already feel distant, don't pretend you don't."

Friends?

Its often said that if you share friends - enjoy your friends as you did before -- it usually self-selects out.

Its generally agree that we should face your own heartbreak, even if we are the one ending the relationship. Allow ourselves to grieve. Grief is a profound teacher. This is a growth process rather than a death. It is the idea of a gift within a crisis.

The hard question is, Are we looking for an easy way out - and hurting ourselves in the process?



GOOD BREAK-UP GUIDELINES

Change your habits. Don't go to the same places you and your ex visited on a regular basis. It's even a good time to plan a getaway or vacation.

Call on someone you know and trust to monitor you if you are concerned about veering into extremes.

Give yourself the time to explore interests that you did not explore in the past because it interfered with your relationship.

Avoid self-medication of any kind (food, drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc.).

Focus on good nutrition and regular exercise. When you feel better physically, you feel better mentally.

Resist the urge to leap into another relationship. Being able to be happy with yourself is a prerequisite to being happy with someone else.

Source: Social worker Michele Many

[Sailskier]

Thank you!  It touches on each point with great clarity

[C12P21]

During the devaluation and discard stage he used all three unhealthy break ups tactics; this left me in so much emotional pain it was hard to overcome. I was contemplating leaving the relationship due to the increasingly biting comments and emotionally abusive mind games. In retrospect I withdrew and I realize this now-it was me figuring out the next stage of the r/s and I did talk to him about this.

My behavior was not healthy, I emailed and called seeking closure and validation of my emotional pain. And he was sending such mixed communication to me that I was in a state of confusion and shock... what exactly did he want? It never crossed my mind during the mind numbing grief to think about what I wanted-only a desire for the pain to go away. Every exchange only increased the pain because his comments were either warm and loving or cold and indifferent. I didn't want to hear how wonderful I am, I really wanted to discuss the horrible things he said and understand why he felt he couldn't talk to me in a respectful way? Why the sarcasm, the drama, the criticism and why tell me how much he wanted to have sex with this other women that was younger and with a great body? Why tell me he would only use her, f### her and dump her. And why tell me he could give or take our r/s from the beginning? He pursued me, worked to earn my trust and called me everyday  . He was the one that made promises... it was surreal. I realize now the answers as to the why. The next step was figuring out my why Why did I ignore the red flags, not call him on his lies, tried to keep peace and increasingly walked on egg shells. Why was I drawn to him in the first place. And that was the real work that needed to happen, to turn all those questions I had of him toward me and look at myself.

Of course the end ripped open childhood wounds-the scathing comments, the lying and his scorn of our relationship-to stand before someone I trusted with my insecurities and self doubts and have them open those wounds with a verbal paring knife? Brutal.

I exercised, ate well, but realized exercise was becoming an addiction. I began smoking, drank more than usual and cried. At the same time I got into T, began to look at my childhood, and gradually stopped  hurting myself with excessive behaviors.

I did not date for two years because my healing was the most important task at hand. I knew another relationship would be as helpful as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.

Right now I am getting back to exercising because I miss feeling fit. I eat healthy still and cut way back on smoking. The next goal is to quit smoking. The pain has left me.

I would say there are healthy ways of getting past a broken heart but I think the ease of doing so depends on the break up. I have seen other people end r/s without all this heartache because it was done in a respectful and caring way. I have also witnessed people that broke up five years ago reconcile this year. Each person grew as individuals and remained not friends at first-but certainly not enemies. They kept their distance and then gradually began talking, again.

Given the relationship bond of a BPD r/s-it's painful. Taking care of yourself is primary and avoiding the desire to fix and heal the former partner must be avoided.

[diotima]

Yes. I experienced both of these each time. Dump and run--then come back and want me just as I am getting over him. But this time is so much worse. I don't know what to say about healthy: I am trying to survive day by day. Today my life feels unbearably empty, but this doesn't happen every day like it did in the beginning. I feel like I am never going to get over this. My T came back from vacation and I am looking forward to seeing her on Friday.

I meditate everyday, sometimes twice a day and usually it helps. I know what I need is an all day sit at a meditation center and will be doing that soon. Last time I did that it gave me momentum. I dance three times a week. When I am dancing it gets me out of this crap. My ex hated it when I went dancing (other men would touch me , but he could chase women and browse sex websites, etc.).

It's just the utter incomprehensibility of this--despite the volumes I have read about BPD. It makes intellectual sense but it does not make emotional sense to someone who made it through the early attachment process more intact than a BPD. I am not saying I don't have childhood wounds but I understand attachment emotionally. I have not yet let go of him emotionally. That is where I am. I think C12 has let go and is further along in the process.

Diotima

[OTH]

During the devaluation and discard stage he used all three unhealthy break ups tactics; this left me in so much emotional pain it was hard to overcome.

Yes. I experienced both of these each time. Dump and run--then come back and want me just as I am getting over him.

The workshop is not about our BPDs. It is about us. It is about the healthy actions we take... ."healing one step and one pant leg at a time" or not picking up a crack pipe vs downing more wine and cigarettes trying to hide from the intense pain and hoping it goes away on its own. Relationship losses are tough. A sudden severe illness, a death, finding out the person you love cheated on you, alcohol addiction, drug addiction, loss of a job, financial instability, and of course... .mentall illness can make for a heartbreaking relationship breakdown. It is part of life. This will probably not be the only time in our lives we suffer great loss. So let's answer the question. What can we do to stengthen ourselves emotionally. To see ourselves through pain easier. To react to "impossible" situations in our life with wisdom and kindness.  

Work through the pain. Your heart will mend and get stronger. What are those steps? What are those pant legs for you? What else can you do that you aren't doing for yourself right now? Please share

Kind regards,

OTH

[C12P21]

Work through the pain.

And when the pain is excessive, it seems darn near impossible.

Two years ago I thought I would NEVER work through the pain, get over the pain or ever feel like me again. My emotions were an egg in a frying pan, didn't matter if it was scrambled, an omelet, or over easy, I just flipping hurt. Finally, it was okay to accept that today and the next and probably the next... I was going to feel this way. The only thing I could do was accept the pain and breathe and trust the process. Yep, today it hurts but every day is one small step closer to something different and possibly a little less hurtful. And in the mean time, walk, eat, sleep, cry, work, journal and go to T.

It wasn't easy but eventually, it worked.

C

[seeking balance]

"It's very important to differentiate between 'healthy' and 'painless," says Piver, "I think people look for a way to end things without feeling bad, and that, of course, is impossible."

This part was really key for me - when I accepted that I was just going to feel bad for a while.  I got sick of ME at one point... .was the pain ever going to end?

It does, in small segments; then larger chunks of time.  

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional - this quote made much more sense to me once I just let myself feel it.

[diotima]

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional

Great Buddhist insight! Yes, pain is part of life and our job is not to make it worse=suffer. Take some training and time.

Diotima

[an0ught]

Breaking up with a pwBPD is not break-up 101 for sure. We know this is an emotionally difficult situation... .we need to take appropriate precautions.

Particular challenge for us is that breaking up is emotional per-se, we are faced with out of control emotions of our partner and our own emotional regulation has suffered as well - we are highly emotional too. When highly emotional our instincts tend to take over and our thinking becomes to being impaired. Often "we have no choice but... ." controls our thinking - that is the dilemma we face. Not a real dilemma - a false dilemma - there are many other choices we have - our heightened emotions threatens to reduce us to black and white thinkers.

[MaybeSo]

Because these break ups are difficult, it becomes important more than ever to be focused on making mature choices.

I view myself as injured right now. Not irreparably, but still injured. So I am babying myself in some regards. I eat foods that are comforting. I have to work very hard during the week so I don't push myself on the weekends, I focus on doing things that I enjoy and are nurturing, like visiting with good friends, or reading a great book, watching a favorite movie.

one thing I make myself do is get outside and go running 3-4 x a week. This always makes me feel much better emotionally, I don't slip into inertia and depression because I exercise. I try to keep focused on my own dreams and goals, I had them before I met my ex, they are still mine and I keep plugging away. If I really need it I will take a day off ... .A mental health day.

I am lucky in that I have quite a few good women friends who know my situation and I can talk with them and laugh or cry about how things have transpired. A lot friends and family were really rooting for us, even rooting for my ex since he seemed to have had a positive turn in tha last two years, and the are also shocked and saddened by how things turned out.

[MarieLauren]

I too broke up in an unhealthy way, via text. I did it like this because I was afraid that he will pull me back in with a few words or that he will have an extinction burst and I will feel like I was hit by a truck, and again, leave me without any strength or energy.

The times I wanted to break up with him, before that, he had the extinction burst, then disappeared eventually until the next day, then he was super nice. And I couldn't do it.

And yes, I must have unfinished business with him still, because I try to feel his presence and I miss him terribly and I try to find out whatever news I can about him.

I am too scared to contact though. If we were both healthy, I would not hesitate, but then again, we would not have gotten to this situation.

[ViciousCycle]

It's funny, both my ex's in my life broke up in one of the "escape route" ways. My first ever Girlfriend left me via text and really wouldn't talk to me much at all after that. My uBPDx left me after having an emotional affair, then she left flirty/sexual conversations out in the open on Facebook for my friends and family to all see. On top of that, all she did after the break up was go to numerous parties every week and drink her face off, all the while claiming that she was not one bit upset over our two and a half year relationship ending.

It was truly sick, I've never seen someone cause so much damage to someone else and have as little remorse as my ex did. All her apologies I ever got were so clearly half ass that it was disgusting, she really didn't care about anything she did. The worst part is that, until I learned of BPD, I blatantly completely excused her bad behavior and patted her on the back 

[OTH]

VC,

What healthy things have you done to get over your breakups?

It's funny, both my ex's in my life broke up in one of the "escape route" ways. My first ever Girlfriend left me via text and really wouldn't talk to me much at all after that. My uBPDx left me after having an emotional affair, then she left flirty/sexual conversations out in the open on Facebook for my friends and family to all see. On top of that, all she did after the break up was go to numerous parties every week and drink her face off, all the while claiming that she was not one bit upset over our two and a half year relationship ending.

It was truly sick, I've never seen someone cause so much damage to someone else and have as little remorse as my ex did. All her apologies I ever got were so clearly half ass that it was disgusting, she really didn't care about anything she did. The worst part is that, until I learned of BPD, I blatantly completely excused her bad behavior and patted her on the back 

[OTH]

ML,

Isn't missing him part of having a broken heart? If you were happy it ended you wouldn't be posting here. Have you tried to mend your broken heart? What has made you feel better during this time?

OTH

I too broke up in an unhealthy way, via text. I did it like this because I was afraid that he will pull me back in with a few words or that he will have an extinction burst and I will feel like I was hit by a truck, and again, leave me without any strength or energy.

The times I wanted to break up with him, before that, he had the extinction burst, then disappeared eventually until the next day, then he was super nice. And I couldn't do it.

And yes, I must have unfinished business with him still, because I try to feel his presence and I miss him terribly and I try to find out whatever news I can about him.

I am too scared to contact though. If we were both healthy, I would not hesitate, but then again, we would not have gotten to this situation.

[soul]

I think it can be a long process never mind how you try to deal with it. For me it has been routine, doing new things like yoga. I changed my diet and mind set. I meditate everyday, and have found a spiritual side to me that I never had before. I still dream about her, I even saw her drive by yesterday with the replacement, but I survived.

I don't mind if I end living alone, I do mind ending up broken down and lost because of it.

I am getting back to who I as before all this stuff started, way back to maybe early teenage times. What did I like doing? Who was I then? I have got back into reading in a big way and have really grown through the books that have come my way. I gave up any stimulants at all, including coffee and alcohol etc. I going walking on my own, and now I have started to enjoy it. I didn't at first because I felt lonely, now I do it, because I like it.

Only time will tell us where we are all heading, but with some kind of focus, routine, whatever you want to call it ... .you may just end up feeling better, more able and more content. I have a saying that i heard somewhere, " be the person you want to meet". When I met my borderline, I wasn't half the man I am now. Look for your authentic self and be who you are, not what you became.

be well

nick

[GreenMango]

Sounds like the relationship made you stronger.   

-GM

[1989]

Healthy?  Realizing that when someone "loves" you, they don't ditch you and then take up with someone else immediately.  That when someone "loves" you, they t want to be with you.  That when someone "loves" you, it doesn't take them years to start missing you.

Using your brain to evaluate everything.  Not making decisions with your heart.  Pretend you are giving advice to a best friend or your own child who is going through this situation.  What would you tell them? 

Having boundaries that state when someone abandons you, uses you, treats you in a way that makes you feel bad, you WALK AWAY regardless of your feelings for that person.

Accepting that when someone is "in love" with you one day (or week) and feels NOTHING for you the next day (or week), that person has a serious problem and it's best that you cut your losses.

Unhealthy?  Trying to make them jealous, or being there for them (a doormat) in hopes that they will realize how much you really mean to them.

Replaying the first few months (or in some cases first few weeks) over and over in your head and remembering that person.

Having sex with them with no strings attached in hopes that once they are with you again they will remember how they felt about you.

Continue going places where you know they will be (not to see them, but because you feel like you should not allow them to chase you away from a favorite place).

Not listening to your gut when it tells you "Something is not 'right' with this person's response/reaction to our break up."

[tailspin]

I find it helpful to embrace the pain and try not to avoid it.  Avoiding and denial of the pain only intensifies the feelings and prolongs the agony. 

The pain comes from the emotional damage and also from the inability to understand why someone could be so cruel and do the opposite of what a healthy partner would do.  The mental pain was profound.

It was a double punch for me and it took a long time to reconcile the emotional and mental damage done.  I've come to the conclusion that I will never understand BPD enough to fully understand why he did what he did, but I now understand why it hurt me so much. 

The heartbreak eased up after I realized there was nothing I could do for him but pleanty I could do for myself.

[GreenMango]

@1989

Those are good points.  Keeping that emotional attachment alive and putting our self in a position to be hurt again is very unhealthy.  Ah, the games we play sometimes can really hurt us.

@tailspin

I felt like it was double punch too.  It is comforting and a little empowering to focus on doing things for ourselves instead.

Take Care,

GM

[34broken]

Thx for locating thread Mango. Just wish I saw this in Jan. Maybe I would have left the r/s and feel less broken. Today was so gd bad ... .im tired of it.

[gettingoverit]

I am over my xBPDgf. I would never want to be with her ever again. The only thing that keeps cropping up for me is triggers. I have been dating this fantastic woman for almost three months, and we have open communication (which is amazing), and no red flags! However sometimes she will do or say something innocently that will trigger me because my ex said that or did that. However we chat about it and I explain to her why and she seems to understand. The only thing that still keeps coming up is my anger. I am still extremely angry over the whole situation. Does that mean I am not over my ex? I'd love some feed back.

[GreenMango]

GOI,

Can you talk to your triggers with your new lady?  Or is it too new still?

GM

[gettingoverit]

GOI,

Can you talk to your triggers with your new lady?  Or is it too new still?

GM

I can. I feel like I have to explain myself all the time, and why I do, say or react the way I do. That turns into us talking about our exes a lot (Her ex was diagnosed BPD), which I know bothers her. I sometimes feel like my ex creeps into my current relationship because of all the trauma and I hate that. Does that mean I am not over her? I think I am. I would never ever ever get back together with her if that were an option... in fact I can't stand her. However I am really angry with her.

[buddhagirl]

My breakup happened in an unhealthy way in that I knew the relationship wasn't healthy and was not going to work, but I waited for him to make the final break instead of taking ownership of the breakup myself.

Once the breakup occurred, I tried to have plans as much as possible.  I got together with friends for brief periods of time and I went to movies.  I joined a couple groups that met once or twice a month so I always had those events to look forward to.

For the holidays, I did some traditional thing even if it was something I'd never done before.  On Halloween, I bought several pumpkins and carved them - that was very satisfying.  On Thanksgiving, I went to a friend's house I had never before spent Thanksgiving with and helped with the cooking.

I also read a lot of books in the beginning about unhealthy relationships, why we enter into them and how to avoid that in the future.  I've spent a lot of time reading on these boards and I also follow a board where people who have BPD talk about their issues.  It helped me to look at both sides of the BPD relationship - from a "non" perspective and also from a BPD perspective.

I spent way too much time in the beginning feeling humiliated and shamed (he hasn't been in another "romantic" relationship, but he had an emotional affair with an ex during the last year of our relationship) and obsessing about why my ex did this or that or thought this or that, or wondering what he was doing and thinking.  It took a very long time for me to begin to focus on myself and my own motivations in the relationship.

At this point I'm trying to focus solely on my needs and to move forward.  It's been a slow, painful journey, but we were together three years and it's just now a year and a half out, so I suppose it hasn't been an unreasonably long time to spend healing.

[GreenMango]

At this point I'm trying to focus solely on my needs and to move forward.  It's been a slow, painful journey, but we were together three years and it's just now a year and a half out, so I suppose it hasn't been an unreasonably long time to spend healing.

Time to heal is different for us all.  I took me about a year.  Focusing on your needs and moving forward is really positive.

-GM

[C12P21]

The only thing that still keeps coming up is my anger. I am still extremely angry over the whole situation. Does that mean I am not over my ex? I'd love some feed back.

Sounds like you have residual anger that someone treated you poorly. I haven't read your post but wonder if you have gone for T? Although we bring into each new r/s some of the issues of our former ones, if you have anger... you might want to get deeper into the anger with help and not bring it into the new one.

I think you can answer the question... are you over your ex or are you not over the hurt you experienced?

C

[bb12]

Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart?

Who Holds the Power?

What often comes into play in breakup is the balance of power in a relationship. Who's got the upper hand? The person who leaves is viewed as the one with the power. That leaves the other party mystified and befuddled. Quite often the person who senses his partner is about to end the relationship often threatens to leave first as a bluff to see if the other party still cares. The injured party enters a hellish limbo.

For me, it all comes down to this point.

You can not have a healthy break-up when someone you loved more than anyone before them discards you and won't communicate

They hold the balance of power forever! Period.

I carry the scars of this juvenile, cruel and unnecessary end for the rest of my life

5 months of attempting to chat it out, to no avail. Simply won't acknowledge I exist. And no single thing to hang this behaviour on.

I am left confused and disoriented

Bb12

[tailspin]

bb12,

Acknowledging your existence was probably too painful for your ex to bear.  I think on some level they do get it; they know they screwed up a good thing and the shame is intense.  It's easier for them to pretend it never happened then it is to acknowledge their mistake so they just move on... .start fresh and their magical thinking allows them to hope that the next "one" will be "the one" who makes it all better.  Sadly, this is the pattern they will follow the rest of their ives.

The power unbalance is also about control and control helps them to compartmentalize their life into manageable chunks.  Even though you may not think you had any power, or have any power now, you actually have all the power.  Their power is an illusion; your power comes from your strong sense of self and they will never have this. 

Confusion and disorientation are really good things right now; feeling this way will help you to see all the wonderful things about yourself that you forgot amid all the chaos and heartache.  It will force you to question everything.  It will allow you to change.  All you need is the courage to believe in yourself again 

[Aurelius]

What has really worked for me is going back to my core values, i.e. what brought me happiness, success, and significance before I met her.  This is not about going back to the person you were.  This experience--as difficult as it is--can enrich us and make us more whole than before if we feel the pain and work through it.  

[Beenreplaced]

I don't know if what I did helped me get past the broken heart part as I think we have to go through the emotional pain of a broken heart, but throw in being discarded, replaced and cut off makes it so much harder.  Since we have no closure, we have to reach inside ourselves to heal and I think that will take a lot longer and is much harder to do.  For me, I worked hard to change things in my life.  Not only am I working on changing me from the inside by particpating in this board and reading as much as I can about BPD to get some understanding about this illness, but I am working hard to change my outside life. I joined a gym, take Zumba classes 6 days a week, got a new dog who I love to take on walks and have met new people in my condo complex and at the gym.  I have taken the intiative to ask people to go out and have dinner.  I think it is important to push yourself to do things and not sit around and feel sorry for youself. Believe me I had my moments but they were moments only not a way of life.  I am now starting to mentally understand the illness but I have more emotional work to do.