How far have you come?

[lbjnltx]

dear justhere,

I don't know whether it's compassion or that I love my children unconditionally but the BPD has not beaten us and in some ways, our shared pain of the past and getting though it together, has strengthened our love for each other. 

The distress I felt from my own ruminations and confusion in my head kept me in a such a state of turmoil until I realized that it was my own thoughts that were causing me all the pain not the behavior of another person.

getting to this point of realizing how much personal power and strength that you have was very painful... .this is the key to success i think... .if we look at people, even the abusive/mentally  ill in our lives through the eyes of love, only then can we be truly and constantly compassionate. 

this is what i mean when i say "compassion conquers BPD"... .it conquers the affects it has on us... .anger, fear, chaos, confusion.  the pain will remain on some level i think because we love them. radical acceptance provides the pathway to compassion for me. 

recently there was a discussion on this site about pwBPD needing compassion... .the responses were filled with anger... .understandably... .i believe that until we are able to let go of the anger we still have a lot of work to do on ourselves to be healthy.  i posted my beliefs, based on my personal journey and left the discussion... .realizing that others are not in the same place i am and their situations are different... .what concerns me is that these posters don't YET realize that anger cannot co exist with inner peace... .that some of them may believe that their anger is going to be ok to hold onto and at the same time call themselves whole.  i pray that they continue on their journeys and find inner peace and compassion. 

in a recent therapy session with my BPD14 and her ppc leader, nale, a statement was made: 

BPD14:  i try to remember and recognize that they are having their own

    problems and focus on myself so that i don't personalize.

nale:  it can be hard to not personalize.  what causes you to do that?

BPD14:  being close to a person.  really caring a lot about them.

nale:  can you be hurt without your permission?

BPD14: no

does compassion help/keep us from giving others permission to hurt us?

your thoughts... .

lbjnltx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[justhere]

I don't know if it's compassion that allows us to feel and react to the behavior of another in a certain way but maybe it's more the way we have learned to cope with the behavior. If we have come from a home with a parent who has a PD and have been trained and conditioned since day one to react in the best interest of another person and not acknowledge our own needs and wants, or use addictions and other harmful coping, we will will go about life just barely surviving and feeling like something is missing.

I responded to that thread as well and I can too can see where others have the anger and resentment and I do too especially when you are dealing with an ongoing source of abuse.  I think though you can have compassion at the same time because this is one of the reasons why we are here trying to make it better for us and our families. When we are abused we react to it by our feelings such as anger, resentment pain, shock maybe even denial etc but I agree, that we can get stuck in our feelings and not know how to find our way out and can hold on to them long after they are necessary for our safety. 

Finding that way out for me was three fold, realizing that what I was doing was not working and opening my mind up for new possibilities and awareness, learning new healthier coping, and learning how to forgive the tough stuff...   At first I couldn't even think the thought that I could forgive but I prayed about it even when I was so angry and in pain and thought that nothing would make a difference because I just didn't want to have those feelings anymore and I felt out of balance with life and my values. The past was long gone and I couldn't do anything about that but my emotions from what happened were wearing me down so I realized that if I was ever going to be truly happy, I had to find a way to let it go. 

Now I just have to learn how to deal with what is happening today and that for me is about staying aware that I have a choice to react differently in a healthier way and look after my own needs as well as the people I love. That in a way was finding the same time, concern and compassion for me that I have for others.

justhere

[madmom]

I came to this site last spring, in a desperate attempt to find some kind of help and support. I was at my wits end at that time, and just couldn't cope.  I had (and still do) read books about BPD.  I had done joint therapy with my BPDDD.  I had talked with family, and friends until even I was sick of hearing myself.  And then I found all of you.  Through reading your stories, I didn't feel so alone. Through the lessons, videos, etc. I found here, I learned validation and SET.  My husband and I were always a strong team and in this thing together, but now we read things and discussed them.  We got on the "same page" and set boundaries and together stuck to them and things have been so much better for my daughter, husband and I.  Because of my growth (with your help) through these past several months I know I am not alone, that I am (and always was) a good parent to my children and this crappy thing happened to us anyway.  We all still struggle and even though things are really good right now, I am no fool, I know they can and probably will turn bad again sometime, but I will do my best to handle it and take care of myself.  It feels good to look back and no that there is hope where there was hopelessness, sadness but with an better understanding about our struggles and even times of complete joy and happiness, and much love, support and a stronger faith.

[qcarolr]

Wow - interesting to read my own story from 4 years ago. A lot has happened since then - cycling up and down over and over with dd28, her daughter gd9 and my dh. I need to ponder on this a bit to put into words the good place I find myself most days, even with DD still immersed in her same cycling struggles.

How am I able to feel this compassion and unconditional love for her and keep honest with my personal boundaries with her?  I will be back.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for posting your thoughts here madmom.

You seem to have come a long way in a fairly short amount of time... .

Having knowledge of the disorder, positive actions to take, a strong faith and a team member (your husband) truly does help move us along the path towards acceptance.

I hope that you will continue your journey along side us here and be a source of strength to others... .pay it forward.  It really helped me to do this and in return I used my grief in a positive way while also honing my skills and better understanding myself and my own journey.



lbj

[madmom]

Thank you for the kind comments.  I truly do want to offer any help and/or support to any and everyone who is dealing with this awful BPD.  My journey may seem short here, but the truth is we have been dealing with this for more than ten years.  When I finally found this site, I had already read lots of books, done various counseling etc. What I liked and found most helpful here is the short,concise lessons.  For me they were so much easier to understand and put in practice, than reading a long book (and I am a librarian and like to read!) that it truly did make a huge impact on me in a short amount of time.  I also think that I and my husband were both ready to make some necessary changes at the same time and that made a huge difference also.  Anyway, for now all is well, and that is always a good thing.  I pray that all of us who are parents dealing with all the ups and downs of a BPD child will find some peace and happiness. 

[qcarolr]

I am back after pondering this for a few days. What keeps coming to mind is that my DD28's life is not all about me, how she impacts my life, how miserable my life is, what she needs to do differently to be what I believe is best for her... .

I have put a lot of effort into "letting go" of DD starting with Al Anon in late 2009. BPD was added to list of dx's in May 2009. I look back at all the information coming at me, and how I felt that I understood so much of it. The truth -  a level of co-dependence that I am just now able to 'label'. I can see how intense my denial of how I enabled her drug use and toxic r/s with guys -- all while thinking I was being supportive!

Being drawn back to a faith community was the real start of my healing early in 2011. My focus gradually shifted from what I could do to help DD to what I needed to do with myself so that I could be a healthy mom for her. I am in a new process of 'surrender'. I have to surrender any idea that I have power or control over DD first, then I can let go. Let go of the dependency based aspects of my relationship with her. Truly accept and believe that only Dd and God have control over the path of her life.

This is has allowed my coming to love her unconditionally - no matter what she does or who she is in the moment. To have awareness of this unconditional love, and how it is so different than my 'mother love' filled with expectations. Then comes being clear with myself and with her about my values and the boundaries that are in stone, unshakable. She is doing her best to respect those boundaries, asking for help instead of demanding and blaming. These two themes and how they developed for me are very intertwined. I could not say what came before, after or during the coming of the other.

The tools and skills here did help me get a start on looking at myself and how I was connected to DD, and she to me. What had the most impact was this wonderful, caring place to come share my whole story and be accepted, understood, welcomed back. And when I am gone for a little bit, I always get a message from someone gently asking how things are going.

There have been many that comment on my story, giving me credit for how I am coping. This always feels really uncomfortable, especially when I feel that my actions let people in my life down in some way. So it is important for me to share how much the support from bpdfamily has given me. A safe place to be me.

qcr

lbjnltx - thank you for bringing this thread back to the top. "How far have you come?"  not "How far has my pwBPD come?".