BPD bad memory: real or just an excuse?

[brenbabe]

I was wondering if any of you heard claims from BPD's that they couldnt recall things, Usually important things. Things they may have said to you?  Ive read that BPDS and especially those with NPD have a terrible memory. Im starting to wonder if this is a symptom of the disorder or just an excuse. I noticed when my ex wanted some favor he would be exactly on time , any other time he would show up hours later claiming he forgot we had plans. He also would say he forgot things he told me and claim he just couldnt remember important things.

[maggiethecat]

OMG! Yeah.  DBipolar/UBPDH had a HORRID memory.  I was the keeper of the calendar.  I'm the one who knew the parenting plan for my stepkids by heart.  Etc.  But anytime we got into an argument he'd whip out something I'd said 2 yrs ago that was hurtful to him.  He never forgot nor forgave a slight.  Never mind that he cheated on me every chance he got.  Never mind that he broke EVERY promise he made.  Never mind that kids would come over and he'd barely venture outta the bedroom.  Never mind that some w/e's the only interaction he had with them was yelling at them.  I told him he was a lousy husband and father... .how COULD i do that... .

do i sound bitter?  gee, i wonder why... .

[joop]

My x would do the opposite, she would say she told me things and that i wasnt the one who could remember and that i didnt listen to her... it got to a point at one time where i was making notes in my phone with everything she told me... .

I knew deep in me she never said that or told me that... usually it was to so with something she wanted to do outside of the relationship

Then other times when i said ' well you said we were doing this or how come you never told me this ' she would then say ' you know i have a bad memory'

Im not sure what the hell was going on most of the time, i thought i was truly losing my mind

[Arecibo]

My exgf would often complain about her 'terrible memory'.  If I forgot anything she would become aggressive.  If she forgot it was my fault for not remembering to remind her and become aggressive!

She genuinely did seem to have a bad memory.  Her phone alarm was constantly going with reminders (usually of things that needed doing by me).  Occasionally she couldn't project her upset that she had forgotten something onto me and would physically hit herself repeating the words 'stupid hit_' until i intervened and held her arms still.

I suspect that all the coping strategies employed by her didn't leave much spare capacity for remembering things.

[pbles]

My exbf-uBPD had a terrible memory - or so he said.

Would forget things that were important to me (including my birthday - I saw him put it in his phone but it came and went with no acknowledgement).  When I bought it up with him he said that it has disappeared from his phone.  I said "so if I check it now it's not there?".  He said - "no it's there now".  I said "so you expect me to believe that it just disappeared for the day".  As straight as you like he said 'yes".

He also forgot other dates and also was always late for everything - although his friends used to make jokes about how hopeless he was so I don't think it was just for my "benefit".

I think he just couldn't give a damn about anyone else other than himself.

His excuse - "I'm just hopeless".  It's even on his online dating profile now.  He's looking for someone to organise him because "being male I'm hopeless at doing everything I need to do".

How appealing!  Don't know if he'll get a whole lot of women lining up to be his carer!

[brenbabe]

maybe its not a memory issue after all, maybe its that they are selfish and just dont give a damn about anyone else.

[OverBoard]

I have to agree with 6... in a way.

Mine claimed to have a very bad memory and said her long term was shot. Her T said, she was, also as an alcoholic suffering from what are called, "blackouts"... lose of memory from years of being tanked. Ya think?

But, on the other hand... after we ended in July it was amazing how she would call that first month or text and leave detailed messages to events and discussions that she never claimed to have ANY recall to when with me... none of importance, but regardless.

I think it's selective memory and the fact they don't give a damn is a major part of it. I know she never remember b-days, anniversaries, occassions, when we met, first date, bill dates, BUT could remember every single time "I" became upset over something she said or did to the letter. Yet another rollercoaster I am glad is not in my life. So very confusing and aggravating.

I'm sure with mine since she is bi-polar ontop of BPD and NPD with alcoholism right up there with it all, those brain cells are in fact dying off... and, now that I think of it, perhaps that is where alot of the frustration with them comes from... .not have total recall. Mine would rage when I would recall to the detail a place, event or issue... I was told "YOU are so f***king PERFECT, arent' you"... .

[brenbabe]

My ex is a daily closet drunk and cocaine user. I also think he has NPD with a side of Bipolar with his BPD, could also be ADHD and Schitzoid added on to that. what a mess . I wonder sometimes how he functions at all, holds a full time job as a mechanic for a top car dealership. Looks just fine when you see him, youd never think all that is going on. How they hide all that puzzles me .

[sea_luver]

my uBPDgf has shown a tendency to disregulate when i've expressed confusion and asked for a clarification when i notice contradictions between important things she's said about her feelings for me and our relationship. 

she's said conversations we've had never happened.  and she often tells me what i'm feeling, what my motives are, puts words in my mouth, and distorts what i've said.  i'm finding it really really difficult to communicate with her on more than a superficial level.  i'm losing my desire to invest anymore into the rs. 

peace to all!

[schwing]

Perhaps I might rephrase the question to this:

BPD bad memory: real or just an expression of their MENTAL illness.

In which case I would answer: "yes"

People with BPD (pwBPD) lack the ability to regulate their emotions.  Imagine what that might feel like if the next time you get angry or afraid, it is just as intense as say the first time you've ever been angry or afraid.  For most non-disorder people, we have had years of practice at regulating our disruptive emotions;  we take this practice for granted and refer to such ability as signs of "maturity."  I would argue that pwBPD lack such skills.  Not because they choose to be immature, but because they choose not to take the extraordinary measures necessary to develop these skills which they lack.

That said, when pwBPD face very very intense emotions, such as shame or grief, they can "dissociate" or mentally cut out those memories or thoughts which lead them to trigger such emotions.  So as I see it, this is a very "real" phenomena.  And it is a sign of real mental illness.

[crushed-not-broken]

Regarding the memory issue---I consider my uBPDh has a "convenient" memory. For example, the last time  he left me (aug 2010) he ended up in a hospital on suicide watch after making suicide threats to the elders and pastor of the church we attended. He had left me two days before b/c I laid down the law that he end his relationship with the ex-wife as it was disloyal of him to continue to go to her for his validation. He was soo angry as he instituted the silent treatment and painted me black while painting her white.

Upon his release from the hospital, I called him on his cellphone where we picked up again the argument re his ex and he said the most extraordinary thing to me: "You are getting in the way of my relationship with my WIFE." 

Huh? I reminded him, I AM his wife. Slip of the tongue, or strange delusion? I asked him to explain his terminolgy a couple of weeks later as what he said puzzled me... .the first time he corrected the "wife" to "exwife", although THAT didn't make sense he would consider I was "getting in the way" of his relationship with his EX. The second time I brought the subject up to him about the conversation, he told me "I didn't say that". Although at the time I was considering he might be mentally ill, I had no idea of BPD behavior... .until I came to this site. It seems he will use any kind of justification to BE "right" and save face.

[brenbabe]

Crushed, you should read the topic I posted " BPD's say the darndest things" .

[Gadzoocs]

My stbeNPDwife has this selective memory issue, for certain. Especially when it came to making me promises about how our relationship would improve,... .specific promises. Upon being reminded I would be hit with "I don't recall ever saying that." Or if I had to talk to her about her spending habits — there would be a subsequent conversation on the same topic where she would rage about how this was the "first time she'd ever heard about this." Whether it really was her memory or her illness I suppose I'll never know for sure. But it was always a remarkable thing to me. Remarkably crazymaking.

[Prism11]

I think that sometimes it is sincere: they're just caught up in the maelstrom of their BPD & lose track of things. At other times, I think that they are being either passive/aggressive or deliberately openly hostile. My soon to be ex husband does stuff like this all the time. It is one of the many reasons I'm getting the hell away from him.

[MuGGzy]

She had a very selective memory. She would vividly remember things that suited her and usually recall the events totally incorrectly. This is what led me to begin thinking she was a pathological liar or delusional, before I learned about BPD.

[fling]

I believe 'selective memory' hits it on the nose for my ex.

She didn't remember a lot of things, but the minute a fight started, she could recall, in detail, every single misstep and cross word I had ever said.

I wish I had a better memory, frankly. She could recall, verbatim, text messages (I empty my phone on a regular basis), conversations, arguments, etc. Some were completely innocent. The problem was, of course: she selected only PARTS of conversations and I couldn't recall them nearly so well as to fill in the missing parts (that probably gave the comments or texts context).

And she would bludgeon me with her acute memory (about these things). There's just about no defense when you are the sort of person (normal person, maybe?) who has an exchange--or even an argument--and then thinks you resolve it and then forgets it and the bad feelings (you did resolve it, after all, right?) only to have it thrown it at you again when you have all but forgotten it. Woof.

[Feverish]

I think its both real and an excuse.

The latest example is the last time he painted me black. We had broken up, separated five months ago but were still speaking to each other. The day after Christmas he decided it was time to stop all communication and instead of talking to me calmly, he was a major prick and said alot of hurtful things for over an hour, on top of his basic message. I was fine with NC and went on about my life and we didn't talk for several weeks. Then of course, he changed his mind and became regretful about what he said. His memory of the conversation was that he "said a few things to me over a ten minute period that I overreacted to". His remedy was to "lets pretend the ten minutes didn't happen and try to recommit to each other". Uh... .Yeah... .Right.

Now he says the reason we are where we are today is because of the "ten minutes that I overreacted to", which is such a shame because "God put me on this earth for him (stbxBPDh)".

It reminds me of the film "50 First Dates" except it should be "50 First Breakups" because he never seems to remember why we broke up and want to keep starting over and over again. He forgets it all every night.

[orillia]

That description sounded exactly like my ex... .til you got to the part about him being a mechanic!

And yeah, mine had horrible memory. A psychologist friend of mine said she thought it was the ADHD. That he had a memory like an old school Radio Shack Tandy computer wtithout much RAM.

My ex is a daily closet drunk and cocaine user. I also think he has NPD with a side of Bipolar with his BPD, could also be ADHD and Schitzoid added on to that. what a mess . I wonder sometimes how he functions at all, holds a full time job as a mechanic for a top car dealership. Looks just fine when you see him, youd never think all that is going on. How they hide all that puzzles me .

[pbles]

My ex is a daily closet drunk and cocaine user. I also think he has NPD with a side of Bipolar with his BPD, could also be ADHD and Schitzoid added on to that. what a mess . I wonder sometimes how he functions at all, holds a full time job as a mechanic for a top car dealership. Looks just fine when you see him, youd never think all that is going on. How they hide all that puzzles me .

Mine too - although he is very successful in his career.  How DO they hide it all and appear so normal?

[Mystic]

selective memory + revisionist history. 

[lavamika]

I once asked my exBPD about his exwife.  he was going on about what a drug addict/manipulater she was and I asked him what he used to love about her.  I said, "you married her; you must have loved her at one point.  What about her did you love?" 

And his response:  "I honestly don't remember."  He said it quizzically - as if he was also surprised at his lack of memory.  I asked him that question more than once and the second time he acknowledged I'd asked him before and mentioned he'd really thought about it too and really couldn't recall what he'd loved about her before.

It was an interesting interaction because it was obvious that he too found it a bit odd that he couldn't remember.

[willing]

It was very hard to believe sometimes / many times, but I see now that all communication was an attempt to control the situation based on the fear of my abdonment, and a low self esteem. I have some dependance issues from childhood, so voila a perfect match. I stayed too long at the fair. After having told her many times we were through during alcoholic rages or rages with no substance involved, she said she could never remember any of those times. The only time she really seems to remember me telling her that was after I left and was unfaithful with another woman. I told her then that the drinking and rage was too much and left for awhile, only to return for most of a year and co-exist in miserable conditions. She has continued sobriety during that time, but the anger, rage and manipulation go on and on. Talk about feeling insecure. I have been moved out again for about 4 months and she is supposed to be leaving town within 3 weeks.

[willing]

My xbpgf and I are both ex substance abusers. I have a terrible memory and therefore have stayed way too long at the fair. It has been in many  ways a horrible experience, except at the beginning. I believe now that we were both very needy and available and the sex was amazing. I have learned about sex and relationship addiction as the dynamic plays out. It is a debilitating disease and is devistating to all in it's path. Sometimes I think the memory thing is a survival coping mechanism possibly as a result of childhood trauma, and denial through adulthood.

She on the other hand has a very distinct memory, but is selective on what she wants to use at any time to control and manipulate and de-grade. I know that there are normal people and couples who don't relate to each other in this way. I have kids that have healthy relationships. Always a joy to see that and look forward to my own healing.

[sarah1234]

His memory was 'bad' to me, because it wasn't reality. Feelings are not facts.

He lived in his own version of life, created by him, with his own set of rules. A total coping mechanism.

Selective memory is selective for the reason that it is needed and recalled when it suits the person in question. Memories that are painful, create feelings of shame and fear are discarded and life is re-written. A disordered mind does not have a logic I could ever understand

[bernbeau]

I believe that it's physiological! Researchers have shown that emotions and memory are intimately related. As BPD sufferers undergo emotional cycling on a regular basis, it comes as little surprise that they don't remember things! If they could control their emotions, then they could probably remember more things.