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Author Topic: Month 8: BPD d13 in residential treatment center  (Read 11037 times)
peaceplease
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« Reply #30 on: January 19, 2011, 10:52:38 AM »

I wish I knew how to quote.  I think that I did it once.  Anyways, LBJ, thank you so much for all of your posts.  The one part that I saw myself in was feeling sorry for myself and being the victim.  In all of the complaining that I do about my dd, I truly do love her.  Sometimes, I hear myself talk and you would think that I can't stand her.  These days, I really don't like her.  However, I raised and loved her since she was an infant.  I love her.  And, I recognize now that it does come all about us at times.  I am just so furious with all that she does.  I ralize that I need to work on more validations skills.

I am improving with the boundary setting.  However, my T pointed out to me today, that I did not praise my dd when she had a positive behavior that surprised me.  I should have thanked my dd for being understanding.  Oh well, I will do better next time. 

It really helps to learn from others, and you provide so much help with your posts.  I know that I have a long way to go.  But, with the help of this board and my T, I believe that I will achieve my goal. 

I will pray for the success in starting the Positive Peer Culture. God Bless you for doing that.  Your dd sounds like she is progressing so nicely.   

peaceplease
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« Reply #31 on: January 19, 2011, 01:48:23 PM »

dear wtsp,

thank  you so much for the vote of confidence...i will do my best to stay in my Wise Mind, be validating towards my husband as he "works through" these decisions ... most likely out loud  ;p  and at the same time I have told him "if I have to go and get a job to pay for it (flights, neurofeedback therapy, individual therapy) then I have no problem with that.  with that choice will come consequence, intended and no doubt unintended that will have an affect on our business and our relationship."

i told my husband 2 years ago that as a mom "i would sell everything I have to help our daughter".  this really disturbed him...his reply "i wouldn't". he still has a difficult time with there being no guarantees from the residential treatment center that our d will come home "cured".  I understand his position...he is nearing retirement age and has worked hard all of his life for what he has...i am younger by 15 years but I have worked hard all my life too...i could live in a 2 bedroom apt. and be content if my d was well better than living on this big ranch managing our investment properties if she was not well...it is a state of mind I suppose.  once more I say I must be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could...else I wouldn't be able to live with myself in peace.

with all the hardship you have endured and are still dealing with concerning your d I know you understand fully what I am saying here.

lbjnltx

I do fully understand what you are saying, Dearest lbj.           

Your dd has made incredible progress and now has a great shot at being in a way better place and this is not the time to stop or interfere with the process.  I know you won't allow anything to get in way. 

You are a wonderful, caring, loving mother who has learned a great deal and has put it all to good use and you are getting wonderful results.  You have put in great great deal of effort to help your dd- and we all on this board- because of your generosity- the way you have shared it all with us- we are all witnessing the process and progress as it happens.  The gray skies have parted and you are seeing lots of light.  We are all seeing the light too- being a part of your and your dd's process and progress.

So yes- with all that I have endured and who I am as a mother- I do understand fully.

     

wtsp

 
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« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2011, 10:18:27 AM »

10. "why do you act so dumb?"

BPDd-13: that is hurting.  i wrote "i think you can do better"

nale: what did you write mom?

me: I rewrote the question "why are you reluctant to show how

     intelligent you are?"

nale:  in our haste to respond sometimes our statements come out

     how BPDd-13?

BPDd-13: jumbled up and mean.

nale:  why is that you think mom?

me:  because we don't listen for the need or feeling and we don't stop

     and think first.

BPDd-13:  yeah. we get caught up in our own ideas and emotions.

me: that is when it becomes about us and not them.  no good

     communication can take place at that point.

BPDd-13:  i used to work off of my emotions.  when I was angry I would

     be rude and even threaten my mom.  when I was happy I would be

     nice.

nale:  what have you learned to control your emotions?

BPDd-13:  sometimes it is ok ... well, really all the time it is ok to be

     angry if that is your true emotion.  how you handle it is what is

     important.  it cannot be hurtful to others.  it is important to be

     honest about your emotions.

me: when someone is expressing their emotions honestly and not

     being hurtful it is much easier to validate and be compassionate.

     then we can be patient and give them their space if they ask for it.

     if they are not being honest and they are being hurtful and will not

     listen to validation it is important to take care of and protect

     yourself.  taking care of self is paramount to helping someone else.

     if you don't take care of self you can't take care of anyone else.

nale:  you hit the nail right on the head there!  BPDd-13 do you agree

     with what mom said?

BPDd-13: yes.

 

lbjlntx - As always, thank you for sharing the details of this process with us. This is such a concrete way to share these principles for me to evaluate with my own process with Dd24, Gd5 and my dh.

The quoted question is the one that really stays with me from this session. This is about that delicate balance between taking care of myself - without guilt - and taking care of others I love - without becoming enmeshed and taking over their lives. It is truly a learned skill to become AWARE of my responses when the other person is just not in a place to hear or accept any validation from me. And it also works the other way - for me to become AWARE of when I am not in a place to listen to the other's feelings and needs. And I am finding with everyone in my family that there is a time to step back, take time out to find my quiet center and allow them to do the same. Then we can come back together with our focus on kindness and respect.


The other aspect of this session that caught my mind was how well it was linked back to the home visit. The focus on keeping the progress made at residential treatment center functioning when d14 comes home is impressive, and this is the key to making this evolve into a way of "being", not just "doing" for your whole family. It takes effort on everyone's part to keep things moving in a positive direction after graduation.

A comment from an earlier post here - be cautious about moving too quickly to reduce d14 meds, even with the addition of neurofeedback therapy. I know it is hard to think of our children needing meds. over the longer term, but she may need this neurochemical support to maintain the high level of functioning you are seeing. I always stop and think - if my DD had diabetes or heart disease and diet/excercise/lifestye choices were just not enough taking meds. to support health would be OK. This same principle applies to our brain chemistry. I have seen my DD make some progress while consistently taking her meds. only to lose it all when she feels better and stops. I have experienced this myself many times over the past 20 years with my own mental and medical health issues. If it is working, stop trying to fix it.


So glad my laptop could be resurrected one more time as I cannot afford a new one! I so missed coming here this week.

qcr  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  
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« Reply #33 on: January 20, 2011, 11:54:49 AM »

greetings all,

thank you qcarol for  your concern about my BPDd-13 and the possibility of a meds reduction or discontinuation in the future.  it is not a decision that will be made lightly...!  she struggles so much with being tired from the meds...hoping that if we make permanent corrections through neurofeedback therapy we can reduce or eliminate some or all meds and particularly not have to add any...for the add.  

lbjnltx

ps:  so glad your laptop has at least one more life left in it...it has been pretty quiet around here without your  voice and leadership!
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« Reply #34 on: January 20, 2011, 01:51:53 PM »

1-20-11

Family Therapy Session #28

Discussing Chapter 1 "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better"

t:  BPDd-13, tell  us how you define validation

BPDd-13: understand what the other person to the best of your ability

     and let them know that you do.

t:  good.  I like that definition.  dad, tell us what  you got out of the

     chapter.

dh: when someone comes to you with a problem if you will listen to

     how they feel their emotions will lessen and they can better work

     out the problem.

t:  BPDd-13, what do you think about what dad said?

BPDd-13:  that's good.  I still am working on self validation, giving myself

     internal validation.

dh: in the past when you wanted to go riding in the back pasture and i

     didn't think it was safe that day I would just say "no.  it's too windy

     or something like that" now I know to ask a validating question and

     try to understand the "why" of where you are coming from.

t:  if dad is validating you and you are validating him right back you

    will be able to work it out.  dad's concern is for your safety, physical

     emotional, and spiritual.

dh:  if I walked in the room and BPDd-13 was on the internet and I asked

      her what site she was on and what she was doing it would be

      because I am unsure that she is safe.  she could show me and we

      could then discuss the safety of it.  if I checked it and found it was

      ok and she was using the info to her benefit then I would tell her

      "thank you for showing me. I feel better about it" and then I would

      leave.

t:   validation in that situation can help reach a solution.  mom, what

      did you get out of chapter 1?

me: I understood how using positive mental attitude statements and

      non validating responses can shut down communication.  when we

      validate we keep the lines of communication open and information

      and feelings continue to flow back and forth.

t:  so if mom has a bad day and seems preoccupied...not noticing that

     you have your hair done really cute, what could you do BPDd-13?

BPDd-13: I could ask her "what's wrong?"

t:  yes. then the lines of communication will open up.  mom will have

     your attention and you will have hers.  then she will notice how

     your hair looks and say "your hair looks so cute today".  open lines

     of communication benefit everyone.

me:  I also learned that listening without labeling or making value

     judgements keeps the focus on the speaker and not the "listener".

     when we make judgements or put labels on that takes our attention

     off the speaker and puts it on ourselves thereby closing the lines of

     communication.

t:  that is right. we must listen to understand and listening for feelings

     and needs.  parents are most worried about safety. they need to be

    heard and understood too.

BPDd-13:  so if I validate them after they validate me then everyone's'

     needs are met.

t:  correct. everything we do all day  every day is to get a need met. a

     family helps each other meet those needs.  if we can hear and

     understand.  it takes time, don't be in a hurry.  really in the end it

     saves time because it is a problem solving skill.  non validation can

     result in huge fights and issues have to be re visited over and over.

     it takes practice.  if discussion get heated it's because someone

     doesn't understand.  that can be frustrating for the speaker.  just

     like yesterday, you were getting frustrated with me because I didn't

     understand the feeling you were trying to express.  what did I say?

BPDd-13:  "keep going".

t:  right, and eventually i  understood and we were able to have open

     communication.  if your parents don't get it, be patient and talk

    about it until they can understand.  sometimes you have trouble

    expressing a feeling so you will need to work until everyone does

    understand.

me:  the part of the book that talks about walking emotionally with

    another person as far down as they need to go will help them be

    able to bring themselves back up is really interesting to me.

t:  this takes a great deal  of patience and time and it works well if you

    are able to do it.  anything else to discuss today?

dh:  I would like to discuss the issue of having boyfriends.  is that

    something we can talk about today or do we need to wait until

    another time?

t:  I think BPDd-13 is ready and open to listening.  she has completed the

    "safe dating" class.

dh:  well, in the past there were some boys that were ok and some that

     were not because we were not comfortable with them.  we tried to

     explain to BPDd-13 why we did not want her to spend time with this

     one boy she would say "but I love him".  can you help us come

     together on this?

t:  well first lets get a definition of what dating is so that we all are

    speaking  the same language.  BPDd-13's talking about hanging out.

    how old do you think you should be to go on a one on one unchap-

    eroned date?

BPDd-13:  16.

t:  ok, if a boy is rude to your parents that is a big warning sign that he

    won't treat you well.  sometimes we look more at who someone is

    and not how someone is.  if you are doing that, what state of mind

    are you in?

BPDd-13:  emotional.

t: if dad says "i'm concerned about your safety" it is because he wants

    you to be treated well.  he might say "i would rather  you didn't date

    him."  what would you do if dad said that?

BPDd-13:  I would give it some thought.

dh:  so now, after learning all that you have, would you date that boy?

BPDd-13:  no, he doesn't have or respect boundaries.

dh:  didn't mom tell you that at the time?

BPDd-13:  yeah but I didn't want to listen then.

t:  so lets get a clear picture of the boundaries we are setting ok.

    BPDd-13, you say you are not old enough for "dating" but you do want

    to be able to hang out with a boy you like and that likes  you back

    as long as it is in a public place or with a group of friends and there

    are adults around. is that right?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

t:  mom, can you agree with this?

me: I can only agree to this is I see that BPDd-13 is having and protecting

     healthy boundaries and is consistently Wise Minded.  if she isn't,

     then activities like that will have to wait until she is.

t:  ok.  boy can be cunning and manipulative sometimes.  are there

     boys you wouldn't see anymore?

BPDd-13:  yeah. "C" because he hurt me.  I hate him.

t:  people give us warning signs about how they will treat us.  if a boy

    is rude to his parents eventually they will be rude to  you as well.

BPDd-13:  mom, would you be ok with me having a few friends over so

    you could get to know them first and then later letting me go hang

    out with them?

me:  if I felt good about your choices of friends, that they were a good

   influence on you then I would be ok with that.  it would need to be

   done on a case by case basis though.

t:  when you are trustworthy your privileges will increase.  if you have

   been making bad decisions it won't matter who you are with or

   where you are wanting to go.  you will not have earned that privilege

   well I think you all worked this out very well.  I remember the last

   time we discussed dating and boys...i think you put your fingers in

   your ears and we had to table it.  just remember to keep talking and

   validate each other and it will work out.  BPDd-13 is in a much better

   place since the last time we tried to discuss this.  it will be harder

   when there is a real person involved in these scenarios.

me:  BPDd-13, what can I do to help your friends feel comfortable in our

   home?  you told me that "none of my friends like you, they think you

   are a b!ch".  I have had what I believe to be healthy boundaries for

   myself, my family and my home and have asked for those to be

   respected.  (i already know the answer to this question. she lied to

   her friends)

BPDd-13:  they didn't like you because I told them how much I didn't like

   you and I made a bunch of stuff up that wasn't true.

t:  thank you for being honest today.

me:  keep up the good work sweety.  work hard!  I want to be able to

    get emails from you again soon!

BPDd-13:  ok, i'm trying to get into trans.  love you dad, love you mom.

   bye.

us:  by sweety love you too!

end of session.
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qcarolr
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« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2011, 05:58:56 PM »

lbj - you have all learned so much. The maturity in this session is so great.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  you all are working very hard for the success of your family.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr
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« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2011, 06:27:38 PM »

lbj,

Again,  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) . I really look forward to reading about the journey of your dd at residential treatment center. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  

peaceplease
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« Reply #37 on: January 21, 2011, 09:36:25 AM »

lbj,

Hi!

your doing an outstanding job in trying to resolve your family issues.  Stay strong and be persistant and it will pay off.  I, myself, have been working very hard and it seems to be paying off a little at a time.  At any rate, a little step in the right direction is all that I ask.  Each day that passes I put a mental check mark on my mental calandar.  I have many checkmarks thus far and hoping for much more. 

I am relatively new to this but I have found many words of encouragement on this site.  Keep your chin up and keep plugging away.  Better days are ahead of you.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

EJ
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« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2011, 03:29:53 PM »

Family Therapy session #29

BPDd-13 started the session by telling me that she was pulled out of dance therapy for our therapist session...she said she was having so much fun with all the other girls doing swing dancing/jitterbug.  she also told me that yesterday she was helping a peer get her horse from the pasture and all the mares made a mad dash for the gate and got out.  she and her peer were able to get them all back in.  one girl was trying to help lure them in with a bucket of feed...(not a good idea!) and had to run for it when the horses made a b line for her...she poured out the feed on the grain but didn't drop the bucket...another peer that was watching from outside the fence laughed so hard she wet her pants.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  BPDd-13 also helped unload 1400 lbs of hay and cleaned the stalls.  she was so proud of herself and excited that the equine staff has a special treat planned for her as a reward for all of her hard work.

mind you...this is the same child who pulled a gun on my horse just last year when she couldn't catch him to put back in his pasture!  she has come a long way baby!

the t, lorneta wanted to talk about her amazing accomplishment with little doc last week...getting him to lay down.

t:  what did you learn from getting him to lay down?

BPDd-13:  that I have to have strong relationships to get something out

    them...like trust and respect.

t:  how does that translate to your relationship w/mom and dad?

BPDd-13:  when horses lay down they are at their most vulnerable.  when

    I am at my most vulnerable is when I don't want to talk about some-

    thing they bring up.  that is when I need to trust them the most.

t:  how can your parents now you are vulnerable?

BPDd-13:  I need to tell them how  I feel. 

t:  what feelings might you be having when you are vulnerable?

BPDd-13:  scared or unsure of myself or maybe sad.

t: if you feel scared that can turn to anger.  they may be able to help

   you through it. if you don't express your true feelings, you may get

   angry and then all you are doing as a family is yelling and not deal-

   ing with the fear.  sometimes we don't want people to see inside of

   us.  that is when we are the most vulnerable.  mom, what can you do

   to help her during vulnerable times?

me: we could ask her how she is feeling.  and then ask her if she is

   able to trust us to help her through this.  we can refer to the coping 

   skills list that she made.  first listen without interruption, we can

   validate, ask validating questions and if she needs to we can

   use coping skills like taking deep breathes, take self time, remind her

   the situation is temporary, and if need be, table the issue until self

   time is over. I was wondering if we might add a phrase to the list.     

   I know this phrase has a lot of meaning for BPDd-13.  "is this helping

   or hurting?"

BPDd-13:  yeah. I like that because then I could let you know if you were

   not meeting my need at that time and you could try something else.

t: just keep communicating until everyone is satisfied.

me:  she told me to "give her a hug even if she says she

   doesn't want one.  i'm not sure about that though.  if she is angry i

   don't want to violate her boundaries and force her to let me hug her.

   I think it would only make things worse if I did.

BPDd-13:  yeah.  it would be better if  you asked me if I wanted a hug or

   reminded me that I was the one that suggested the hug as a coping

   skill.

t: great.  I think it is important that kids not be forced to have physical

   contact with another person.  they need to have a voice in that and to

   have their boundaries respected.  something happened in group wed.

   you were belittling yourself saying "no body likes me".  why do you

   think you want to take away the love others have for you?  what do

   you need at that time and why do  you want to punish yourself?

BPDd-13:  I need care and concern.  I know I am not in my Wise Mind

   when I do that. 

t: when you did this at home, saying "you don't love me" what can

   mom or dad do to help you get into your Wise Mind?

BPDd-13:  tell me "i know you need care and concern".  I used to ask my

   mom "why do you hate me?"

me:  I would try to validate by saying "it  must be painful for you to

   feel that way" and I had established some boundaries because I did

   not appreciate her telling me how I feel.  if I tried to reassure her that

   I loved her it would end up in an argument or  debate.  I would end

   up saying "please don't tell me how I feel.  I am capable of expressing

   myself".

t:  so mom needs validating too sometimes.  lets look at chapter 2 of

   "i don't have to make everything all better".  mom, what did you take

    out of chapter 2.

me:  that we need to leave the responsibility of solving problems where

    it belongs...with the person who has the problem.

t:  you have to work through the consequences sometimes BPDd-13. mom

    and dad will work with you and help you all they can but it is up to

    you to make personal choices sometimes and if you don't choose

    wisely then there may be hard consequences.  will you always make

    good choices all your life?

BPDd-13:  no.

t:  mom and dad are not going to rescue you.  they will support you,

    not rescue you.  you need to learn problem solving skills.  dad, how

    about you, anything you would like to add?

dh:  when she has a problem we will give her some ideas, alternatives,

   and possible solutions so she can make a choice and solve her own

   problems.  she can come to us for ideas.  we will listen to her and

   allow her to choose which avenue she wants to take.

t:  if mom and dad don't rescue you who will learn from the conse-

    quences?  melt downs won't work anymore..in an attempt to have

    some peace in the home they may have made some choices for you

    or allowed you to do some things that were against their better

    judgement.  you have done a lot of work on yourself sense then so

   you need to take responsibility.  anything else from chapter 2?

me:  I learned that we need to not offer advice or ideas unless asked.

    when offering ideas we are not to forget that it is their choice to

    use the idea or not.  we are not to use words like "should" and

    "ought" when presenting ideas because then we are telling them

    what to do and not letting them make their own choice.

t:  yes.  never tell a teenager what they already know...like "you should

   have done such and such..."  that only puts shame on them.  it would

   be better to ask them "what did you learn from this?"  do not make

   judgements.

me: I know I already feel bad enough without someone else judging my

   mistake too.

BPDd-13:  I could say "i know I should have..." so that they will know I

   have thought about what I could have done differently.

t:  you have come so far individually and as a family.  I don't think you

   will have those melt downs anymore, you just won't need to.

BPDd-13:  I don't think I will either.

t:  well, she is smiling so we will end this in a happy place.

BPDd-13:  bye mom, bye dad, love you...see you later.

me,dh:  love you too take care.

end of session
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« Reply #39 on: January 27, 2011, 04:24:49 PM »

Great.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   Keep letting us know how you're all doing, the info is so helpful.

God bless
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« Reply #40 on: January 27, 2011, 08:34:56 PM »

lbj - I can put myself and my family into these sessions more and more and wonder how my DD would react to the questions. I know how we each have been in the past, and though change is slow in coming sharing in your journey has helped me to keep my focus so much. Thanks so much for opening yourlife to us all.

qcr     Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2011, 12:33:35 PM »

 I've just finished reading though you posts again about your dd's therapy and your conversations with her and the T and I'm just trying to sort out the differences between the way you relate to your dd and the way that I relate to mine.  I know I've had this overpowering urge to try and teach my dd but now I realize that by doing that, I've invalidated her.

I also realize now that I have to learn how to quiet my mind and stop talking and just listen to her and try to understand how she is feeling and not tell her how I am feeling.  This, I can see is going to be a very difficult lesson for me to learn because part of my reaction to my dd in the past has been that I've felt responsible to help her in that way. 

I would like to know if you did that before too with your dd and if you did, how did you learn to really hear her and not listen to your own responses? I can see the difference it makes to have a T because for those of us going it alone even without diagnoses, the responsibility feels like an unending, thankless burden to be all things to my dd.  I just want to love her like a normal mother of a 40year old and leave the rest for someone(professionals) else.  I wonder what a person like me could do  whose adult child is not in therapy and if there's a difference in the way we need to relate that will better help them like pick up the slack/work that a T would be otherwise doing or if it would even do any good trying.

Even though I have the best intentions, I admit, she will go right out and do the opposite to prove me wrong or assert her own power. I feel really awful because I think now her last marriage was to prove everyone wrong because all the family had issues with her fiance, even her children and now she had to go through all that just because we weren't able to listen to and understand her. Maybe it will be easier for me to stop 'helping' now that I realize the damage my own behavior is doing to my dd, I sure hope so.

Your journey with your dd is inspiring and I thank you for sharing it with us. Your therapy session with your dd and husband is much needed therapy for us too.

justhere
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« Reply #42 on: January 28, 2011, 12:51:01 PM »

thank you for reading justhere.

and yes ... I made all the same mistakes as you have..i would try to use reason and logic to communicate w/her during a crisis...that eventually would end w/BPD making threats against me or herself and back to the sheriff's department we would go...a vicious cycle...while the boundaries were empowering...the invalidation was damaging.

Excerpt
how did you learn to really hear her and not listen to your own responses?

when I read the book "i don't have to make everything all better" by gary and joy lundberg. 

i realized I had all the pieces to the puzzle...i just didn't know how to put it together and this book showed me how, and more importantly it showed me WHY I needed to and who it would benefit...EVERYONE!

Excerpt
Even though I have the best intentions, I admit, she will go right out and do the opposite to prove me wrong or assert her own power.

the book will teach you when and how to offer your help...it can show you the subtle distinction between validating questions that will lead them to problem solve versus giving advice.

Excerpt
I wonder what a person like me could do  whose adult child is not in therapy and if there's a difference in the way we need to relate that will better help them like pick up the slack/work that a T would be otherwise doing or if it would even do any good trying.

i have heard from other moms on this board that the book has helped w/communication w/everyone in their lives...even the pwBPD. 

when I understood, accepted, practiced and consistently applied the techniques in the book it gave me freedom from the fog...fear (masquerading as anger), obligation (to fix it for her), and guilt (that I wasn't being a good parent if I didn't fix it for her).

justhere, you are an intelligent thought provoking woman with a kind and compassionate soul...i pray that you will own this and live like the person you really are.  free.



lbjnltx
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« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2011, 11:15:08 AM »

After reading what you posted about how in the past, when you and your dd talked it ended up at the sheriff's dept, I realized that it wasn't good for me and my dd's either but it's been over 3 years now since the last time my dd screamed/raged at me and years since I've felt physically threatened so I have been learning how to keep it calm.

I'm on my second read through of "I don't have to make everything all better" and it's all starting to make sense. What a power house of valuable and important information for anyone and any relationship!

Validation is working for me when I talk to my mother and I'm trying it also with my dd's but it still feels uncomfortable even a little fake at times because I'm just aching to tell them how I really feel.

I've been changing my way of thinking though to instead of looking at it like I'm lying to them by not telling them the truth about how I feel, I'm trying to look at it more like yes, maybe I would of done things differently or have the skills to solve this problem or I think a certain way but it's not a lie to keep that to myself.  It's a 'courtesy' or an 'opportunity' that I'm offering to them so that they can learn and find their own way, 'just like I did.' Knowing that I'm finding my own way out is very empowering to me and I want my dd's to know this kind of strength of person too.

I really like what you said in session 29..."is this helping or hurting?" because do we really know how they are feeling and all the unseen or hidden memories that they are dealing with that are contributing to their distress? I hope I can remember to ask this question when I talk to my dd's and hear and accept their answer.

We think we are helping them saving them a step and energy if we give them advice or the knowledge of what we have learned but in reality we are making them work even harder, first to explain and defend their own truth to us and then to sort through all the confusion of someone else's truth and experiences.

An easy way for me to understand this is to look at how my own BPDmother behaves and how it affects me because her behavior is so exaggerated. She has to 'fix' everything, 'order' me to do things, 'keep tabs' on my every move, 'expect' me to do what she wants not what I want or need. I may not be behave in the same intensity as my mother but she has modeled and taught me her form of parenting and I still relate to others with some form of my mothers teaching.  All her interference makes me feel terrible, smothered and like a inadequate child so I don't want to be the source of any more pain and heartache to my dd by following in my mothers footsteps.  I know we are on the right path because at no time in my 62 years of life have I sensed this kind of harmony and wholeness. Thank you for being here.

justhere


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« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2011, 11:41:37 AM »

had a long talk with BPDd-13's individual therapist at the residential treatment center last nite.

she said my d is doing amazingly well in school right now, having turned in 6 past assignments last week.  they have lost their math teacher as of monday so the special ed teacher is filling in.  she said my d responds well to this special ed teacher so perhaps that will help  my d continue to work hard and get caught up.  BPDd-13 still has to finish reading "anatomy of peace" as it is a requirement to get into the transitional unit.  BPDd-13 told me she has trouble reading this book because it is "so boring" she can't get motivated to stick with it.

we discussed the statement the therapist made in an email about my d being "easily mislead".  she was referring to the incident at Christmas where her friend told her the staff had ok'd the off campus visit between our families.  i told the therapist that I had some responsibility in that situation because I didn't have the knowledge that it wasn't ok and didn't think to ask.  t told me that it was ok because no one had told me like they should have.  the chaos of the evacuation only added to the lack of communication...the problem is that BPD's peer was told "no, we don't want you to spend time w/peers off campus.  we want you to spend time with your family alone."  t then told me that my d has confronted her peer and expressed her disappointment that she lied to her and that in Positive Peer Culture this week when this same peer was talking about herself that my d asked the group "does anyone believe what she is saying right now?".  the therapist asked my d if they were still friends after this and my d told her "yes.  they are."  t said "this is a good lesson for my d because it shows her it is ok to have boundaries and they will only strengthen a relationship...my d has been taught this same lesson through her equine therapy but still struggles with applying it to her human relationships.

we then began a discussion about transitioning home and what to do about her educational options.  t once more voiced that it would be best to home school her for the remainder of the school year here so that we can focus on neurofeedback therapy appointments and the whole transition home.  i expressed my concern over putting her back into a public school situation and setting her up for difficulties due to her add symptoms.  i would like to try to avoid the iep and meds for add through neurofeedback...it is worth trying.

t also said that d is already having mixed feelings about leaving the residential treatment center.  she said BPDd-13 told her "i really love my family and want to be with them but i'm going to be so sad and miss everyone here." therapist told me that my d was being very genuine and heartfelt with this statement and for the first time the therapist was convinced that my d truly believes that she loves us.

i asked her to get into contact with my d's therapist here at home soon so that

he could have time to brush up on his dbt skills and get acquainted w/the Positive Peer Culture process if necessary.  she encouraged me to continue to find ways to get the Positive Peer Culture group started here to help my d with the transition home.  she believes that it will have a great deal of influence on my d's future progress if we can get the Positive Peer Culture group started.

we discussed the option of having my d return to falcon ridge should it be needed and also the option of having her come back from time to time for a brief visit (1 week-1 month) to reinforce all that she has learned.  the therapist said she would see about putting this in the after care plan for my d.

thanks for reading

lbjnltx
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« Reply #45 on: January 29, 2011, 12:24:32 PM »

dear justhere,

Excerpt
it still feels uncomfortable even a little fake at times because I'm just aching to tell them how I really feel.

Excerpt
It's a 'courtesy' or an 'opportunity' that I'm offering to them so that they can learn and find their own way, 'just like I did.' Knowing that I'm finding my own way out is very empowering to me and I want my dd's to know this kind of strength of person too.

yes!  it is a gift...giving them the opportunity to feel that "my feelings matter" and "someone really cares about me".   how will they ever learn problem solving skills if they don't get the opportunity to practice. validating environments can give them a safe place to do this...a place w/care and concern, a place where they won't be judged for their feelings or thoughts...i once read in the Total Transformation that the anger and frustration adolescents and even adults feel, often comes from a lack of problem solving skills.  ;p

Excerpt
I know we are on the right path because at no time in my 62 years of life have I sensed this kind of harmony and wholeness.

AWESOME!  SO HAPPY FOR YOU!  (wish we still had the cheerleader icon!  guess this will have to do for now.)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post)

lbjnltx
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« Reply #46 on: January 29, 2011, 04:44:02 PM »

lbj - sounds like a really fruitful phone consult with the t. The after care plan is such a key piece. I keep praying for the Positive Peer Culture part to evolve for you at home - would be great if this could even somehow transition into a supportive part of returning to school next fall.

How do you feel about the home schooling option? This is a big commitment on your part too. What kinds of supports will be there for you in transistion from the home school to another schooling option?

So happy for you all that d14 continues to make such good progress - to be able to express her emotions about wanting to come home and missing those at the residential treatment center - this sounds like an important part of the transistion home process as well.

I will keep on praying for you all.

qcr
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