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Author Topic: I really need an advice here on what's her motive ?  (Read 4270 times)
Joem678
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« Reply #30 on: December 11, 2015, 06:10:37 PM »

It only depends on your emotional state.  Can you handle the drama?  Not telling you to walk away but to just take care of yourself?
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Skip
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« Reply #31 on: December 11, 2015, 06:13:45 PM »

Is he really drunk, abusive, etc.? Why suddenly now? This might just be over her not keeping promises on her end. Your involvement may be enabling her not to resolve matters with her finacee'. If she didn't have you as a safety need, she might try to fix things on her end. I don't like saying that on this board, but its a reality you have to face. That's not a good thing for you to meddle in.

The best move is to remain neutral. Do not get involved in the problem. Do not take her side (or his). Do not ask her for love in return.  Be a stand-up guy.  Someone she can look to when this blows over and say -  wow, he's a good guy, didn't take advantage of me, didn't butt his nose in and make me beg, did cling and rescue, and didn't let me walk all over him, either.

Let say you offer to pay 30 days rent for her to stay in temporary housing (like an extended stay hotel) and tell her you are not going to ask anything of her while she sorts it all out. This is being a good guy - she will respect this. It also tells her upfront that you are helping, and you are not an endless support system, and she doesn't have to give herself to you to have a place to stay. It keeps you from having a relationship based on food and shelter, not love and respect.

Above all, this is a spat with her boyfriend and you know that he has a reasonable grievance and you are lining up to become bad triangulation and fuel a drama you will be a major contributor to.  .

Be a stand up guy and someone she admires (not needs money from) and can go to if her relationship fails.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #32 on: December 11, 2015, 06:22:21 PM »

I am a stand up guy , I have being  absent from her life since august 10 2015 .

I am not triangeling what makes you feel that way ?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #33 on: December 11, 2015, 06:29:28 PM »

I am a stand up guy , I have being  absent from her life since august 10 2015 .

I am not triangeling what makes you feel that way ?

Oh YOU wouldn't necessarily be, but her boyfriend (probably drunk and violent) sure might cause you some trouble. You're walking in to the triangle by rescuing her.

Are you familiar with the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor triangle? You're the rescuer, also sometimes called the Enabler.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #34 on: December 11, 2015, 06:30:37 PM »

I am also sure it's her to be blamed , he  just had it , like we all did ,I think he is a nice guy that got tricked , I really feel bad for him .

Did we all get fooled yes or no ?
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #35 on: December 11, 2015, 06:47:01 PM »

All right I gather that I should let her suffer with no mercy and no one to help her is that that being the good people we are ?
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Eyeamme
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« Reply #36 on: December 11, 2015, 06:59:51 PM »

Enabling isn't being a good person. Just a thought.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #37 on: December 11, 2015, 07:42:30 PM »

Skip and all members familiar with my case ,

I just received an SOS  call from my ex BPDGF , He's yelling at her , drinking  heavily  and being rough and almost physical.

She asked me that she wants to get away and come to see me ( she is in another state ) but does not want to hurt me and lead me  ... .

As I expected why would she wants to come and visit for the holidays ?   She is facing an eviction . Parents refusing to help .

Looks to me as I assumed and expected it's happening right now .

I don't initiate contact with her at all , I know things are not going good at all and she is at a dead end .

What is your advise here ?

If it were me I would probably give her a place to land ... .because I just got my white knight tendencies triggered hardcore (consider that guy).

That said, I would stay strictly hands off.  I am trying to put myself in your shoes and all I feel is a sense of dread.  I would recommend if you do allow her to land at your place you do so as a friend only.  Once you have assessed her stability for a good amount of time (weeks or months) then you can make a decision, but do so with your mind not your heart.  You know how she can hook you and you know how she can hurt you.  If you choose to jump into the fire again you are doing it now with eyes wide open ... .and prepare yourself for the possibility of getting burned badly.
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AsGoodAsItGets
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« Reply #38 on: December 11, 2015, 08:05:27 PM »

Important questions.   Please give honest reply.

what did you have planned for this holiday before your ex contacted you?

What empathy has your ex displayed towards you feelings or past hurt?

Is it possible to provide rent for a month while she sorts herself?

Is thier anyone else you take care of, currently including pets?

If all things aside, she agrees to stay with you in a committed relationship, but her BPD behavior stay the same or get worse, are you willing to stay with her? 

After some more input.  I will be able to give guidance.

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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #39 on: December 11, 2015, 11:32:05 PM »

Important questions.   Please give honest reply.

what did you have planned for this holiday before your ex contacted you?

What empathy has your ex displayed towards you feelings or past hurt?

Is it possible to provide rent for a month while she sorts herself?

Is thier anyone else you take care of, currently including pets?

If all things aside, she agrees to stay with you in a committed relationship, but her BPD behavior stay the same or get worse, are you willing to stay with her? 

After some more input.  I will be able to give guidance.

My folks are in another country , I have my son around and my dog .

No empathy whatsoever.

yes for rent providing rent .

tough question , at this time I am ready to face her illness , but I am very concern and I know it's not that easy to  deal with that but hoping for the best , I am not sure if I would stay if things doesn't change and I know well they might not .

Thanks .

Guy.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2015, 03:37:50 AM »

Does everyone agree that BPD throw themselves in strange situation ,impulsive behaviors with no fear of unsettling future consequences , that make non often say :

"How could she do this ?"

I said it , when she moved in with someone a week or two after the B/U 10 years younger ,I predicted and told her then it won't last long it didn't make any sense to me but to her it did .

IMO she made a big mistake but don't and never will admit it  ... .After numerous attempts to save the R/S  in the beginning stages of hurt ,I pleaded pleaded and pleated ... .

All I got is " I moved on ,as you should"  I did , it was painful and here she is on her last breath .

Now the million dollar question ?

Since every situation is different, geographically , individual unique issues and cases , age, Suits both's needs ,and more you name it ... .

Shouldn't we asset every reconciliation differently and not generalize it especially after investing so much time learning about this disease ,spending days on this marvelous site to finally understand how they deal with life and what caused it and how can we be of a help to a human been that we fell in love with and still love ... .Relationships with regular people isn't that easy neither, there are many reasons why we fall in love with someone or not and we fell for uneasy person ?

It happens every single day that non partners reunite after huge and continuous disagreements , cheating , lying financial problems ,lack of communication etc

Why shouldn't we use the tools we learned to improve the quality of life for someone we care about, what if the BPD in question is your son or daughter ?

Should I ask "Are we rearly happier without them in our life  ?

It's just a thought ... .Your comments are welcome.

Guy.

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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2015, 03:59:22 AM »

Im happier without either of my exs in my life. That doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for them. It also doesn't mean I wouldn't want to help them if I could.

I personally feel that I cant help them as the disorder is physical. Their brains are wired differently and I don't know anyone that is able to change the brain in a safe way that would alter the underlying problem.

I do believe that therapy can help. I believe that therapy only re routes the pathways avoiding certain behaviours but doesn't fix the underlying differences.

This is only my opinion.

Thanks enlighten me I like your opinion !

What you doing up that early ? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I also want to add that I am ready for the challenge maybe rent her something for a month near by until she gets better and help her see a T close by , I want help in getting all my ammunition together I take pride when you all try to voice your opinion I might have missed something .


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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2015, 05:06:40 AM »

Good stuff  enlighten me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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C.Stein
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« Reply #43 on: December 12, 2015, 06:40:06 AM »

at this time I am ready to face her illness

But is she ready to face it?
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2015, 07:53:15 AM »

at this time I am ready to face her illness

But is she ready to face it?

She was diagnosed years ago , treated for a while , she is very aware of her illness and knows a lot about it , I guess there comes a time that they do feel the need 7 years with ex husband , five with me and now almost a year and a half with current guy , she knows she's hurting him and driving him crazy that's why he wants out ,and want her out as she confessed that she hurt me also .Yes it was her that wanted to be better .
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C.Stein
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« Reply #45 on: December 12, 2015, 08:13:39 AM »

She was diagnosed years ago , treated for a while , she is very aware of her illness and knows a lot about it

I think this is the important part you need to focus on for yourself.  This tells me she isn't really ready to face it.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #46 on: December 13, 2015, 07:54:17 AM »

Update .

Looks like she ended her relationship and she really want to reconcile  , and I am going for it !She open the door to let me in .

I had doubts the last two weeks about reconciling , but I feel it from my gut I Want to !

For those who knows my case you're welcome to comment keep in mind every situation is unique .

I't not that easy to describe the little thing that makes you want to go through this reconciliation , I invested time in knowing the illness not for knowledge only , but to be a more understanding about the triggers and don't add fuel to the fire !
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #47 on: December 13, 2015, 02:56:44 PM »

Skip my last question to you ,please give me an advise ?

You know I called the pharmacy in another state and paid for her meds two days ago , I received  a very good text of appreciation , she calls me everyday now and I see the confusing being pressured to help with house hold I even heard her guy talking to her like I use to and I feel that he had it with her .

She mentioned that he did just like me at the beginning of the end of the last months of our relation .She knows well they want her out she told me .

she is wanting to come n visit like next week , I am okay with it .and mentioned that no commitment for us okay . she asked me to help her get serocole today I said go ahead and I will call to pay it .

I feel I need to disengage now for a few days to let her sort things out she is not playing games or trying to rebound me but I feel I got so far I don't want to mess it up like in pressure deal with her undecided mind at this time , how can I phrase it to her , that I need to stay out of this for a few days till she sorts things out . or should I continue my support , she is not really just want to jump in my arms for safety or to provide for her she knows very well I am able to and work with her on her time to help me with buying and on the sales floor . If I win the lottery she will say share the wealth not I am coming back to be with you I guaranty that .  

I really want to put this to rest and accept the will of god to do his thing ... .

Thank you for being there for me and other members and may god bless you !

Let me add this important update , I just got off the phone with my ex , she feels not wanted there anymore ,  like I predicted , am afraid for her safety now . She knows she has to leave ... .And asked me if I will I said yes .

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #48 on: December 13, 2015, 04:37:07 PM »

I'm concerned that she won't be any easier to be in a relationship with now than she was with you before.

Skip's suggestion that you pay for 30 days temporary housing for her sounds very good even now.

If you do that, you both get a month to sort things out. And nobody has to be kicked out at the end of it.

After a month you will have s better idea what a future with her looks like.

And she gets a month  to decide if she really wants it. Right now she is desperate and might promise anything just to get out. Then reconsider once she is safe.

Think about it.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #49 on: December 13, 2015, 04:40:36 PM »

Sounds like a great idea I am really contemplating that !
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #50 on: December 14, 2015, 12:19:52 PM »



I am okay to just go a little quieter now and let her come to me Grey Kitty .

After many consideration and support from the board , I am in that stage right now , we talk I listen and validate ,when needed i voice my opinion softly , and get off the phone when I feel it's going to trigger her .

I am not pressuring , just laid it out on the table gently what my future looks like with or without her, I  also made her aware that I am single I go on dates and enjoy life  , she can tell how cool and collective I am and not so  desperate, for those who don't know my case  (it took  me a year and half to achieve that coolness lotsa hard work )  .

I can also tell she gets bothered by not including her in .

I motioned to take a self inventory and asset her situation without me influence her, knowing now that I did not know two weeks ago her relation is almost over , engagement is called off ,she's about to be out on the street , she has to be the one who initiate reconciling not me, I know better   .

She  still insist on visiting me pretty soon and I am placing her in a hotel room for the duration she wants  I am also aware of her wanting some time out from her actual situation to think   ... .

and I am certain she's not going to do it because she has no where to go, she will do it if she wants to be with me, As how I read into it now, and due to my personal knowledge of her,I know it's not a rebound or a rescuer matter or needs , it's a matter of love me for what I am as I would love you back as who you are right ?

Guy
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