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Author Topic: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?  (Read 7013 times)
Mystic
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« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2011, 08:57:23 AM »

I don't think any of it could be more ironic.  Two polar extremes in one relationship. 

I'll say it til the day I take my last breath.  I'd have to see DNA evidence to believe the man who was so loving, gentle, and kind was the same man who left here in such an awful way. 

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 
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sixspeed
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« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2011, 09:31:21 AM »

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

Yes! Same here I felt like I was caught in some sort of terrible collapse of all my logic and that my emotions were somehow muted to her (despite feeling them myself). If my ex didn't happen to mention she was told by an exbf she was "borderline", I would have never found this forum or what I was dealing with and continued to tear myself down.

Ironic, she hinted at her own disorder, perhaps she was diagnosed with it in past therapy and was too shamed to directly tell me, instead it was "I have depression, anxiety, a poor self image, history of parental abuse, history of medications, I'm impulsive, don't consider the future, and no idea what I want to be or do in my life".

Me, "Sounds great love, we can fix all those, now saddle up there's a sunset coming".

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Overcomingbpd
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« Reply #32 on: April 07, 2011, 05:38:32 PM »

My ex said he hated liars, cheaters and ppl who lied about being in combat. Guess it was probably true since bps seem to self loathe.
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mary87
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« Reply #33 on: April 10, 2011, 07:00:10 AM »

great thread!

well one of my personal favvos are:

"I am a militant feminist"

and then he would treat me like an old fashioned dictator! (he was freaking out about the fact that I was recieving a higher education than him,he wanted to be the mainprovider... he didn't want me to go out alone because he was "concerned over my safety" and he wanted me to do all the work at home !)

look up the word feminist dude! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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distressb

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« Reply #34 on: April 10, 2011, 08:04:02 AM »

My list of ironic sayings during the honeymoon period.

1] I will always appreciate everything you have done for me.

    After I was painted black:-

You never did anything for me.

2] I can't see how your other gf treated you so bad.

   After I was painted black:-

the reason they treated you like that is because you deserved it.

3] Id never lie to you.

    After the honeymoon period ended:-

    I have herpes.

4] I don't like drugs either.

   After the honeymoon period:-

  I have a £250 pw cocaine habit. That will cause me to steal money off you.

5] I like a glass of wine every now and again

After the honeymoon period:-

3 bottles a night

6] I'm not that type of girl.

After the honeymoon period:-

Before I met you I'd f£@& whoever I wanted when ever I wanted.

7] I'm a caring person

After the honeymoon period:-

So what if your dad has cancer. Are u going to sit around crying all day. I have to go shopping.

The list goes on. One contradiction after another.
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mary87
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« Reply #35 on: April 10, 2011, 02:11:30 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.

can relate to that... .sweet irony... .
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just_think
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« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2011, 02:35:46 PM »

she said i would be happier if i was a christian because i was an atheist and she was a christian.

she wants to be a priest.

during our last conversation, she raged/ shamed on me to cover up for her own mistakes (cheating that i didn't know about) over some minor comment that i said about her church activities not being her "job" but her "passion."

I said, "I'm sorry" and she raged more than i've seen a human rage. So at that point, I said "you're a christian, forgive me!" to which she said "that is unforgivable!"

Early in the relationship, when i asked why she still talked to her ex who cheated on her she told me that she had forgiven him because she is christian.

do i win the irony awards? or is that just hypocrisy?

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mary87
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« Reply #37 on: April 10, 2011, 02:42:23 PM »

their way of argumentation is totally IRRATIONAL , everyone sees it but them... .

 
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exit

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« Reply #38 on: April 10, 2011, 04:03:00 PM »

their way of argumentation is totally IRRATIONAL , everyone sees it but them... .

 

... .and that is soo sad... .

My ironic moment - we were in a bar, and then he started blaming me for such impossible things to cover up for his failures, that I simply couldn't believe what was happening t ome. Like - it was my fault that he has a crappy job and no money, because of the way I voted few years back (when some big political change took place in our country). And not the fact that he spends 14h a day on Facebook and Youtube, instead of looking for jobs and education... .

But he kept on going, and shouting at me, while I remained rather silent. And then after I couldn't take it anymore, and started crying, he said: "You really like to make a scene in a public place". WTF? :s
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« Reply #39 on: April 10, 2011, 04:42:41 PM »

exit,

dont mean to laugh AT you, but him blaming the way you voted for his problems (that as you say, came from him spending all his time on facebook and youtube) is hysterical. instead of seeing you cry, he ought to hear you laughing out loud.
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« Reply #40 on: April 11, 2011, 10:55:06 AM »

4 1/2 years into the relationship that I thought would last the rest of my life, my ex told me that he wanted me in his life but that he didn't think he wanted a "committed" relationship and wanted the "option" of seeing other women.

When I told him that this was not acceptable to me and wasn't something I could handle, he told me I was an incredibly controlling person.
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« Reply #41 on: April 11, 2011, 01:13:31 PM »

exit,

dont mean to laugh AT you, but him blaming the way you voted for his problems (that as you say, came from him spending all his time on facebook and youtube) is hysterical. instead of seeing you cry, he ought to hear you laughing out loud.

If I heard this story somewhere else, I would have found it hysterical as well, trust me... .

I am laughing now, though... .
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Caspian
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« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2011, 08:20:42 PM »

Looking back, my entire relationship seems ironic.  Ha.  The one that sticks out the most is when he attempted to throw in my face a trip I took out of state to attend a male friend's wedding (that he was invited to) with my female friend almost 2 years ago.  I list genders because they are important.  I purposefully asked a female friend to accompany me just to assuage his misguided insecurities.  Again, the dude was getting married.

That trip became his attempt at justification (2 weeks ago or so) for making plans to spend a weekend with a 40year old woman (who lives in my area) he barely knows instead of visiting me.  Like they're just gonna play scrabble.  She doesn't look like a librarian.  Just saying. 

I laughed.  It made him angry.  It's like comparing apples and oranges. 
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Robhart
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« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2011, 08:59:40 PM »

One of her favorite things she would say is that" she hated people that lied."

Hmm maybe she  hated  herself?

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repeatoffender

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« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2011, 10:55:13 PM »

Well hindsight is truly a witch, isn't it?  What part of the whole thing doesn't seem ironic... .Perhaps the most glaring were all the truths he blatantly told me about himself (clearly before we were too close emotionally)... .That his biggest fear was being abandoned, that his anger was probably the reason all his relationships failed, that he is able to turn his feelings off on a whim, that his ex complained she always felt she was 'walking on eggshells'... .etc., etc., etc... .  Little did I know at the time he was laying my treacherous journey with him all out before me.  I, however, naively thought our 'bond' was so intense and special that we could tell each other anything.  (Anyone hear the song, ''Signs, signs, everywhere signs"... .going through their head?--ugh!)

Oh, perhaps the most ironic... .He always called us "Oz"... ."All's well in Oz", "anything is possible in Oz", "I miss being in Oz with you"... .I find it no small coincidence that there is a popular website for BPD family/loved ones called "Land of Oz"... .I could almost swear he knows he has BPD though it was never anything we discussed.

Could he have painted the picture any clearer for me... .Again, UGHHH!
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AlexDP
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« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2011, 05:04:37 AM »

Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't. I do believe that a lot of people with BPD sense there is something wrong. My ex did the exact same thing when we just got together. At one point she even said she hoped she wouldn't end up hurting me and pushing me away. It's sort of tragic that she knows something is off I guess, but her refusal to think things through is bloody annoying. I realise it's a disorder and all, but to be frank I've pretty much lost all love I ever had for her.
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devastated1
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« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2011, 10:41:08 AM »

1) she told me that if a guy ever cheated on her he was gone.  then she went out a few months later and cheated.   when she said it it was cold and a little scary.  i have never cheated on anyone and never plan to, but the all or nothing way she said it.  cheating is not excusable but does that mean you can never work it out.   funny thing is that i would still forgive her for cheating on me(i know im not out of the fog yet, but im getting there).

2) she once told her friend that maybe im borderline(i definitely wasnt before but the  PD traits   are scaring me). 
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devastated1
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« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2011, 11:15:31 AM »

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

Yes! Same here I felt like I was caught in some sort of terrible collapse of all my logic and that my emotions were somehow muted to her (despite feeling them myself). If my ex didn't happen to mention she was told by an exbf she was "borderline", I would have never found this forum or what I was dealing with and continued to tear myself down.

Ironic, she hinted at her own disorder, perhaps she was diagnosed with it in past therapy and was too shamed to directly tell me... .

when i wanted an explanation of waht happend after the breakup she told me not to try understanding bc i never would.  i guess she knew about her issues.   

sixspeed, maybe like yours she was diagnosed already and ashamed to tell me.

livia, i feel the same way, but still have a hard time even with that knowledge and sometimes i wonder if she even has it(i know she does its just the  PD traits ).
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DownrightDisgusting

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« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2011, 03:11:17 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.

ditto. That's when it all started heading downhill! I wish we had stayed like that
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Buttercup555
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« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2011, 04:01:02 PM »

We had a conversation about past relationships. He asked me what hurt me the most about past men. I told him that I was most hurt when men, without me pressurising them, took it upon themselves to promise me the world and everything in it. Then deliver nothing. I would rather they acted more humble, and delivered average.

This did not stop him failing to deliver on the following comments/promises:

Every nail I drive into this house is only for you.

I would sell up and move to be with you in a heartbeat.

I would marry you tomorrow.

I am unable to ever leave you.

If you left me I would turn up on your doorstep.

I would give away everything I own for one more day with you.

I will always take care of you.

I will be your best friend for life.

I will never hurt you. I am good.

Also ironic he asked how I act when a relationship is over. I gave him SOME information and remembering saying the following to him,

“... .although men have done terrible things to me, they always under-estimate me. They THINK that because I showed loyalty and support in the relationship that they can continue to abuse me and use me out of it. They always act in shock when I have finally had enough. Their egos can not accept that after  the relationship I will not tolerate their abuse or them using me as an emotional prop. And no matter how many times I tell this men in advance, they still act like crazy selfish children, when I will not let them in my life anymore. But they always try. At that point they fail to recognise my strength. Why any man, who has hurt me dreadfully, disrespected me and let me down thinks I am going to allow them to pop up into my life whenever they feel like it makes me laugh. When I kindly tell them to leave me alone, they usually call me all kinds of names. Despite the fact that they are the one who left me. “

I guess he did not listen to me. Which is why he was arrogant enough to think that after what he did to me I would even entertain the idea of him being able to contact me whenever he had an urge. That aspect makes me the most sick to my stomach. Unfortunately for him, I’ve a wealth of experience in blocking bad men out of my life.Whenever I’ve left anyone I’ve allowed them to move on and I’ve kept away from them, out of care and consideration.

So he dumped me, horrifically, continued to play the most hurtful minds games with me known to man, for 8 months. And when he finally realised he would not get a response from me, he acted true to form, “You are a F***ING  B*TCH.” Oh dear. As predictable,and as dark as mud. Just like all the rest. Think I am the only woman who gets dumped then always hounded. Unless I am catatonic and they visibly see me eyeing up a noose they are never happy.

I wonder what names I’d have been called if I’d left him? Actually I know the answer to that. “F***ING B*TCH.”




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whitedoe
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« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2011, 08:07:25 PM »

During our beginnings, my exBPDbf and I spend hours talking about our dream of building an honestly, authentic relationship. I thought we had the most amazing “connection”… He seemed to want “us” more than anything. We used to call our relationship our “gift”… a near miracle to have found someone in our “middle ages” of life to love and start anew.  I felt so incredible grateful for this “gift”… How could I have known?

I had been “single” for nearly 6 years and had actually become “comfortable” with being “alone”… I honestly never thought I would be able to “love” like that… So, I wanted to apply all that I’d learned from previously failed relationships. I wanted this one to be “real”, no “masks”… only honestly. So, I gave him my all, I was open and painfully honest with him… I held nothing back this time as I had in my previous relationships… I treated him with unconditional love and respect, always… I believed that I had found the love of my life… Aghh…

The painful irony… What I got from him was a false self, a fake, and a big cruel lie…. My T is helping me to understand this better… He tells me that the idealization phase was “real and heartfelt”…. However, it was not ever meant for me “personally”… The painful truth is that the poems and loving notes that he wrote to “me” could have been written to “anyone”… as they were part of his “longing”, his “fantasy”… A relationship that he “craved” but could never begin to sustain…

So, I am here on these boards trying to stop the blood letting, learn, heal myself and find my way back into the "real" world... .and hopefully, along this journey, by sharing my "story" I might help someone else who has fallen prey to this horrific BPD/NPD mental illness... .

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C12P21
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« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2011, 08:48:00 PM »

Hmmm. Everything he said he was he wasn't; everything he said he wasn't he was.

Talk about Alice In Wonderland...

C
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whitedoe
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« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2011, 08:50:38 PM »

Hmmm. Everything he said he was he wasn't; everything he said he wasn't he was.

Talk about Alice In Wonderland...

C

Very well said... .Yup, definitely so... .
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winandcover
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« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2011, 08:59:23 PM »

My exBPDgf telling me that she hated all the girls she worked with because they were unfaithful.  Reminding me how faithful she was to me and how she sometimes worried whether or not I was being faithful to her - but that she ultimately trusted me and was confident that I was doing the right thing.  Bear in mind, she's saying all of this while she's living with some guy and has been for the past 2 months. 
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winandcover
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« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2011, 09:05:04 PM »

I feel the exact same way.  It was a real turning point for me when I started reading stories other people had written about their BPD relationships.  Hate to quote Oprah, but it was a real "lightbulb" moment.  Mystery solved.  She is the way she is and it's not my fault.  Nothing I could have done would have made things any better.  It was a real load off my mind and instrumental in helping me to move on.

I don't think any of it could be more ironic.  Two polar extremes in one relationship. 

I'll say it til the day I take my last breath.  I'd have to see DNA evidence to believe the man who was so loving, gentle, and kind was the same man who left here in such an awful way. 

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

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Kahlan Amnell

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« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2011, 09:13:20 PM »

The song we were going to dance to on our wedding day had a chorus line that said "A tall tale told heroically, she's got the best of what I'm waiting for."  

When things started to get bad he said that someone who cheat is a "0". He said I'm a "99" because I don't "have his back" (or simply agree with him) in EVERY situation on EVERY day.  When we broke up he made it clear he would never marry a woman who couldn't be "100".  Last time I checked perfection was for a goddess.  I think a score of 99 is pretty awesome personally.  Everyone said I was incredible good for him and they had never seen him so calm (3 years).

Guess I've got the best of what he wants, but he still needs to find a "100".  
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Checkmate
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« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2011, 09:24:19 PM »

Yeah, my ex would lie, cheat, do destructive things to the relationship, violate trust and our home and then say "I can't take it anylonger" and then break up with me ... .

After a while I grew numb to this, but I still have the memories of how this would hurt ... .Turns out he couldn't take facing his own issues and actions ... .
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geek64

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« Reply #57 on: May 19, 2011, 12:37:22 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.
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Checkmate
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« Reply #58 on: May 19, 2011, 12:55:29 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .
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sixspeed
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« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2011, 01:03:15 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .

Same exact experience here! I was so proud of our never yell or demean each other policy... .at first.

But it was a no resolution situation, fetal position her locking up and unable to talk at all... .Hugs, tears, smiles, and   never resolutions just projection and emotionally impulsive all or nothing solutions like running away.

I'll take a yeller now if it means we can work out issues and move forward... .withdrawals and lockups ughh.
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