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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?  (Read 7012 times)
sixspeed
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« on: March 30, 2011, 03:11:06 PM »

Being able to laugh about some of the irony in my relationship with my ex really helps me through. The first movie we watched together the first time we spent a night at her place was "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

It's one of her favorites, you know what though I wouldn't erase her, I've learned a lot and probably would end up just like J.Carey and Kate at the end.

How about you any irony you can laugh at?
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TexasAggie

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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2011, 03:16:29 PM »

Ha! That's funny, the exact same movie was one of our first to watch together too.  I completely agree though, I wouldn't want to erase anything.

That being said, I have just recently committed to leaving and still haven't done it yet.
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AlexDP
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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2011, 03:37:11 PM »

I met my ex as a tour guide in Italy. She had been giving a girl the silent treatment for an entire week, until the girl broke down and started crying. My ex didn't understand why.

I tried to explain to her why this hurt. And I would do so for the next six months.
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2011, 03:48:43 PM »

a few things.  I don't know if they were ironic exactly, but very sychronistic:

early in the relationship, we both made jokes cutting to the core fears we both held: when I asked where she came from she answered with "your mom is actually paying me". After the first time we had sex and were outside smoking a cigarette, I said "I'll call you sometime" and acted like I was going to walk off. (I didn't know about her abandonment issues until afterward)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Another unfortunate chain of events: I'd been working night shift for a couple of months and we had only been seeing each other a couple of days a week.  It looked like there was no end in sight for that shift either (couldn't get a transfer no matter what I did). Though I didn't know at the time, this set off her abandonment fear.  She started triangulating (read definition) with this other guy I didn't know and she crossed the line one day  and cheated (I found out later).  2 days later I got back on a normal shift and we actually had more time than ever together.

Thank god so much of the relationship was over text and I could go back and analyze stuff like that.


many other weird instances like that.
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2011, 08:16:45 PM »

This is very minor. She did all the bad stuff during the rship. But among other things she gave me grief once for littering. Littering is bad. But our differing perspectives and the rest. Different postal codes.
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AlexDP
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2011, 04:19:49 AM »

Also one of the first compliments she gave me:

What I like so much about you is that you don't need someone to be someone. You can be single and still know who you are.

Hm. I don't cry easily, but whenever I think of that compliment I do.
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2011, 08:44:47 AM »

We watched Groundhog Day. I think that's fitting too, no?
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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2011, 10:12:34 AM »

We watched Groundhog Day. I think that's fitting too, no?

Yes it certainly is, It's funny her and I had a really big discussion on Solaris, all the different versions of the story from the original book to the Russian movie to the Clooney version. The story sort of held both our fascinations 

The Clooney version of Solaris is really on part with so many of the themes of what I went through in my relationship from suicide to the don't leave me themes and the feelings of obligation and co-dependence in me.
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2011, 11:59:36 AM »

Yes. When I was getting to know him, I told him I liked him because he was "normal"... .little did I know... .
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just_think
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2011, 12:12:52 PM »

Yes. When I was getting to know him, I told him I liked him because he was "normal"... .little did I know... .

This reminds me of the conversation we had that was similar. She jokingly called me crazy (which no doubt, I'm dancing to my own drum) and I said "Yeah but you are too, in a really healthy way" to which she replied "yeah, it's really refreshing"

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), little did i know... .
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2011, 12:32:47 PM »

Ironic... .Hmmmm... .like me having custody of the child she came home pregnant with from an affair and we raised as mine, and who basically hates her mother at age 13 and could care less if she sees her which she basically doesnt except when her mom comes around every few months...  Of course Im accused of stealing the child, even though my ex never fought for her when she just up and left cause she knew the child didnt want to go with her... .and she will lament that she should have never given me the right to be the childs father... .basically cause she could have blackmailed the bio dad, and also gotten welfare and a place to live if she had a kid... .good god... .

It may be ironic,,but really it was just in the best interest for the child as she would have been abused and dragged all over from place to place with no stability.  ... .what prob is ironic,,is that she thought she was locked in a prison with me as I would babysit her activities,,to try and keep her out of trouble,,(I know that was wrong, but she was her own worst enemy)  but she told someone else the new guy shes with is aparently even worse... .wont let her go anywhere alone and says hes shoved up her *ss ... .Aw... .guess he heard of her reputation ,,Got news for him,,its like trying to hold fire in your hands... .aint gonna work,,lol
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2011, 03:56:28 PM »

Another thing that kinda made me laugh that is hugely ironic; my exbpggf and I would travel on that same trainline (the NY-CT line) Joel and Clementine did in Eternal Sunshine. Even more scary is that I'm the introverted artistic type like Joel. I can never watch that move again   .
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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2011, 04:00:00 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.
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« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2011, 04:02:40 PM »

man, i really dont like to think of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that does feel a lot like the nature of a breakup with a pwBPD and it seems so distant and so tragic, and like there's something remaining in your brain or heart that you can't place but is there and haunts.

one of the saddest things i saw in that movie, was the image of the old lady who came into erase the memory of her dog. i think buster was his name? but there was a picture of the dog and a dog bowl. i saw that right around the time i was grieving over my dog. regardless, it's one of the saddest things/thoughts i've ever seen in my life.

to blazes with that movie, i say.
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2011, 04:07:30 PM »

  The ironic part of my r/s with xbph was I loved him because he made me feel good about me and I felt safe. He seemed so caring and honest.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Well 3 years later, being painted black and a machete and 3 butcher knifes later... .not that safe or confident!
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« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2011, 04:16:10 PM »

man, i really dont like to think of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that does feel a lot like the nature of a breakup with a pwBPD and it seems so distant and so tragic, and like there's something remaining in your brain or heart that you can't place but is there and haunts.

one of the saddest things i saw in that movie, was the image of the old lady who came into erase the memory of her dog. i think buster was his name? but there was a picture of the dog and a dog bowl. i saw that right around the time i was grieving over my dog. regardless, it's one of the saddest things/thoughts i've ever seen in my life.

to blazes with that movie, i say.

That ENTIRE movie is supposed to be a BPD relationship IMO. The whole "mind erase" thing that people parse out from reality is just supposed to be symbolic of getting rid of pictures and moving on as if they don't exist (let's face it, that's what NC and the like is essentially doing). We do the mind erase things ourselves. The company just added a twist to the movie to make it interesting. Joel had a structured life but was obviously a hopeless romantic. Some woman starts sinking her hooks in and he lets her because no one has ever done that. He hopped on the rollercoaster, much like we all did. I went back and watched it halfway and had to turn it off. I'm sure even the title of the movie has some symbolic meaning.
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2011, 04:27:25 PM »

Yes, my ex would always ridicule the people that he worked with for having office affairs and then he turns around and has one himself, jeez.  Moral of the story, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2011, 06:33:50 PM »

She said to me, very early on...

"I have intimacy issues"

That was the understatement of the century.
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2011, 03:41:13 AM »

Yes, my ex would always ridicule the people that he worked with for having office affairs and then he turns around and has one himself, jeez.  Moral of the story, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

same thing here. My stbx had two with coworkers. That after years of saying all cheaters are terrible people.
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2011, 01:01:32 PM »

"I'm sensitive, don't hurt my feelings... .don't reject me... .you're important to me... .you're so sweet... I like that we can talk things out like adults... .GOT THAT? HAHAHA, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!"

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« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2011, 01:11:34 PM »

the most ironic thing about mine is that she loved to clean  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2011, 07:16:24 PM »

A more personal irony, the last time we spent a weekend together before the breakup I said to her in a joking tone as she was being distancing with intimacy:

"Sometimes I feel like an addict coming here to get my fix."

Hey, I was!
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2011, 07:27:44 PM »

My husband was always telling me he loved me with all his heart.  I found out that was true - he didn't have one.
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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2011, 07:48:10 PM »

My ex told me I would "push-pull" in the relationship.  If that isn't ironic, I don't know what is!
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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2011, 07:57:46 PM »

My uBPDxbf told me about all terrible things that happened to him as a child.  I would say, "How did you turn out so good having to deal with all that abuse?"  I would praise him for working through it all and being able to come out on top.  On the outside, he acts 'normal' and successful.  Now I know the truth.
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2011, 07:59:30 PM »

desertbuck,

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
sixspeed
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« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2011, 12:15:11 PM »

My uBPDxbf told me about all terrible things that happened to him as a child.  I would say, "How did you turn out so good having to deal with all that abuse?"  I would praise him for working through it all and being able to come out on top.  On the outside, he acts 'normal' and successful.  Now I know the truth.

Crystal, mine did the same, explained a period where for over a year how she had cut all contact from her father and then worked through it in therapy and had a great relationship with him now... .but whenever stress was bearing down and we hit a withdrawal she'd say "I have a history of abuse"  Idea Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) , she was great at selling herself as a recovered person and making me feel like someone who lacked empathy. A projection I would combat by trying harder to show my empathy, impossible.
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« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2011, 01:05:58 PM »

I was quite ill and she was nursing me and I was going on and on about how selfless and sweet she was and she was sleeping with several guys the whole time. 'You couldn't give me what I needed.' Yes. Evidently.

All true, but maybe next time, just leave. But the money was pretty good. Ah, yes. She became my Power of Attorney because of my illness to ensure the funds were properly spent. She ended up spending about $25K on clothes and shoes and other random crap. Hilarious. I'm not competent to manage my $$, but she is. Bought a $7K watch one night and then didn't even remember the next day. Etc.
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« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2011, 05:46:53 PM »

A projection I would combat by trying harder to show my empathy, impossible.

thats a pretty insightful connection you've made about yourself, though.
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« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2011, 08:53:11 AM »

My husband was always telling me he loved me with all his heart.  I found out that was true - he didn't have one.

Amen Sister! Ditto! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Mystic
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« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2011, 08:57:23 AM »

I don't think any of it could be more ironic.  Two polar extremes in one relationship. 

I'll say it til the day I take my last breath.  I'd have to see DNA evidence to believe the man who was so loving, gentle, and kind was the same man who left here in such an awful way. 

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 
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sixspeed
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« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2011, 09:31:21 AM »

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

Yes! Same here I felt like I was caught in some sort of terrible collapse of all my logic and that my emotions were somehow muted to her (despite feeling them myself). If my ex didn't happen to mention she was told by an exbf she was "borderline", I would have never found this forum or what I was dealing with and continued to tear myself down.

Ironic, she hinted at her own disorder, perhaps she was diagnosed with it in past therapy and was too shamed to directly tell me, instead it was "I have depression, anxiety, a poor self image, history of parental abuse, history of medications, I'm impulsive, don't consider the future, and no idea what I want to be or do in my life".

Me, "Sounds great love, we can fix all those, now saddle up there's a sunset coming".

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Overcomingbpd
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« Reply #32 on: April 07, 2011, 05:38:32 PM »

My ex said he hated liars, cheaters and ppl who lied about being in combat. Guess it was probably true since bps seem to self loathe.
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« Reply #33 on: April 10, 2011, 07:00:10 AM »

great thread!

well one of my personal favvos are:

"I am a militant feminist"

and then he would treat me like an old fashioned dictator! (he was freaking out about the fact that I was recieving a higher education than him,he wanted to be the mainprovider... he didn't want me to go out alone because he was "concerned over my safety" and he wanted me to do all the work at home !)

look up the word feminist dude! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #34 on: April 10, 2011, 08:04:02 AM »

My list of ironic sayings during the honeymoon period.

1] I will always appreciate everything you have done for me.

    After I was painted black:-

You never did anything for me.

2] I can't see how your other gf treated you so bad.

   After I was painted black:-

the reason they treated you like that is because you deserved it.

3] Id never lie to you.

    After the honeymoon period ended:-

    I have herpes.

4] I don't like drugs either.

   After the honeymoon period:-

  I have a £250 pw cocaine habit. That will cause me to steal money off you.

5] I like a glass of wine every now and again

After the honeymoon period:-

3 bottles a night

6] I'm not that type of girl.

After the honeymoon period:-

Before I met you I'd f£@& whoever I wanted when ever I wanted.

7] I'm a caring person

After the honeymoon period:-

So what if your dad has cancer. Are u going to sit around crying all day. I have to go shopping.

The list goes on. One contradiction after another.
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« Reply #35 on: April 10, 2011, 02:11:30 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.

can relate to that... .sweet irony... .
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just_think
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« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2011, 02:35:46 PM »

she said i would be happier if i was a christian because i was an atheist and she was a christian.

she wants to be a priest.

during our last conversation, she raged/ shamed on me to cover up for her own mistakes (cheating that i didn't know about) over some minor comment that i said about her church activities not being her "job" but her "passion."

I said, "I'm sorry" and she raged more than i've seen a human rage. So at that point, I said "you're a christian, forgive me!" to which she said "that is unforgivable!"

Early in the relationship, when i asked why she still talked to her ex who cheated on her she told me that she had forgiven him because she is christian.

do i win the irony awards? or is that just hypocrisy?

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« Reply #37 on: April 10, 2011, 02:42:23 PM »

their way of argumentation is totally IRRATIONAL , everyone sees it but them... .

 
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« Reply #38 on: April 10, 2011, 04:03:00 PM »

their way of argumentation is totally IRRATIONAL , everyone sees it but them... .

 

... .and that is soo sad... .

My ironic moment - we were in a bar, and then he started blaming me for such impossible things to cover up for his failures, that I simply couldn't believe what was happening t ome. Like - it was my fault that he has a crappy job and no money, because of the way I voted few years back (when some big political change took place in our country). And not the fact that he spends 14h a day on Facebook and Youtube, instead of looking for jobs and education... .

But he kept on going, and shouting at me, while I remained rather silent. And then after I couldn't take it anymore, and started crying, he said: "You really like to make a scene in a public place". WTF? :s
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« Reply #39 on: April 10, 2011, 04:42:41 PM »

exit,

dont mean to laugh AT you, but him blaming the way you voted for his problems (that as you say, came from him spending all his time on facebook and youtube) is hysterical. instead of seeing you cry, he ought to hear you laughing out loud.
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« Reply #40 on: April 11, 2011, 10:55:06 AM »

4 1/2 years into the relationship that I thought would last the rest of my life, my ex told me that he wanted me in his life but that he didn't think he wanted a "committed" relationship and wanted the "option" of seeing other women.

When I told him that this was not acceptable to me and wasn't something I could handle, he told me I was an incredibly controlling person.
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« Reply #41 on: April 11, 2011, 01:13:31 PM »

exit,

dont mean to laugh AT you, but him blaming the way you voted for his problems (that as you say, came from him spending all his time on facebook and youtube) is hysterical. instead of seeing you cry, he ought to hear you laughing out loud.

If I heard this story somewhere else, I would have found it hysterical as well, trust me... .

I am laughing now, though... .
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« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2011, 08:20:42 PM »

Looking back, my entire relationship seems ironic.  Ha.  The one that sticks out the most is when he attempted to throw in my face a trip I took out of state to attend a male friend's wedding (that he was invited to) with my female friend almost 2 years ago.  I list genders because they are important.  I purposefully asked a female friend to accompany me just to assuage his misguided insecurities.  Again, the dude was getting married.

That trip became his attempt at justification (2 weeks ago or so) for making plans to spend a weekend with a 40year old woman (who lives in my area) he barely knows instead of visiting me.  Like they're just gonna play scrabble.  She doesn't look like a librarian.  Just saying. 

I laughed.  It made him angry.  It's like comparing apples and oranges. 
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« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2011, 08:59:40 PM »

One of her favorite things she would say is that" she hated people that lied."

Hmm maybe she  hated  herself?

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« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2011, 10:55:13 PM »

Well hindsight is truly a witch, isn't it?  What part of the whole thing doesn't seem ironic... .Perhaps the most glaring were all the truths he blatantly told me about himself (clearly before we were too close emotionally)... .That his biggest fear was being abandoned, that his anger was probably the reason all his relationships failed, that he is able to turn his feelings off on a whim, that his ex complained she always felt she was 'walking on eggshells'... .etc., etc., etc... .  Little did I know at the time he was laying my treacherous journey with him all out before me.  I, however, naively thought our 'bond' was so intense and special that we could tell each other anything.  (Anyone hear the song, ''Signs, signs, everywhere signs"... .going through their head?--ugh!)

Oh, perhaps the most ironic... .He always called us "Oz"... ."All's well in Oz", "anything is possible in Oz", "I miss being in Oz with you"... .I find it no small coincidence that there is a popular website for BPD family/loved ones called "Land of Oz"... .I could almost swear he knows he has BPD though it was never anything we discussed.

Could he have painted the picture any clearer for me... .Again, UGHHH!
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« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2011, 05:04:37 AM »

Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't. I do believe that a lot of people with BPD sense there is something wrong. My ex did the exact same thing when we just got together. At one point she even said she hoped she wouldn't end up hurting me and pushing me away. It's sort of tragic that she knows something is off I guess, but her refusal to think things through is bloody annoying. I realise it's a disorder and all, but to be frank I've pretty much lost all love I ever had for her.
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« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2011, 10:41:08 AM »

1) she told me that if a guy ever cheated on her he was gone.  then she went out a few months later and cheated.   when she said it it was cold and a little scary.  i have never cheated on anyone and never plan to, but the all or nothing way she said it.  cheating is not excusable but does that mean you can never work it out.   funny thing is that i would still forgive her for cheating on me(i know im not out of the fog yet, but im getting there).

2) she once told her friend that maybe im borderline(i definitely wasnt before but the  PD traits   are scaring me). 
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devastated1
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« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2011, 11:15:31 AM »

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

Yes! Same here I felt like I was caught in some sort of terrible collapse of all my logic and that my emotions were somehow muted to her (despite feeling them myself). If my ex didn't happen to mention she was told by an exbf she was "borderline", I would have never found this forum or what I was dealing with and continued to tear myself down.

Ironic, she hinted at her own disorder, perhaps she was diagnosed with it in past therapy and was too shamed to directly tell me... .

when i wanted an explanation of waht happend after the breakup she told me not to try understanding bc i never would.  i guess she knew about her issues.   

sixspeed, maybe like yours she was diagnosed already and ashamed to tell me.

livia, i feel the same way, but still have a hard time even with that knowledge and sometimes i wonder if she even has it(i know she does its just the  PD traits ).
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« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2011, 03:11:17 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.

ditto. That's when it all started heading downhill! I wish we had stayed like that
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« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2011, 04:01:02 PM »

We had a conversation about past relationships. He asked me what hurt me the most about past men. I told him that I was most hurt when men, without me pressurising them, took it upon themselves to promise me the world and everything in it. Then deliver nothing. I would rather they acted more humble, and delivered average.

This did not stop him failing to deliver on the following comments/promises:

Every nail I drive into this house is only for you.

I would sell up and move to be with you in a heartbeat.

I would marry you tomorrow.

I am unable to ever leave you.

If you left me I would turn up on your doorstep.

I would give away everything I own for one more day with you.

I will always take care of you.

I will be your best friend for life.

I will never hurt you. I am good.

Also ironic he asked how I act when a relationship is over. I gave him SOME information and remembering saying the following to him,

“... .although men have done terrible things to me, they always under-estimate me. They THINK that because I showed loyalty and support in the relationship that they can continue to abuse me and use me out of it. They always act in shock when I have finally had enough. Their egos can not accept that after  the relationship I will not tolerate their abuse or them using me as an emotional prop. And no matter how many times I tell this men in advance, they still act like crazy selfish children, when I will not let them in my life anymore. But they always try. At that point they fail to recognise my strength. Why any man, who has hurt me dreadfully, disrespected me and let me down thinks I am going to allow them to pop up into my life whenever they feel like it makes me laugh. When I kindly tell them to leave me alone, they usually call me all kinds of names. Despite the fact that they are the one who left me. “

I guess he did not listen to me. Which is why he was arrogant enough to think that after what he did to me I would even entertain the idea of him being able to contact me whenever he had an urge. That aspect makes me the most sick to my stomach. Unfortunately for him, I’ve a wealth of experience in blocking bad men out of my life.Whenever I’ve left anyone I’ve allowed them to move on and I’ve kept away from them, out of care and consideration.

So he dumped me, horrifically, continued to play the most hurtful minds games with me known to man, for 8 months. And when he finally realised he would not get a response from me, he acted true to form, “You are a F***ING  B*TCH.” Oh dear. As predictable,and as dark as mud. Just like all the rest. Think I am the only woman who gets dumped then always hounded. Unless I am catatonic and they visibly see me eyeing up a noose they are never happy.

I wonder what names I’d have been called if I’d left him? Actually I know the answer to that. “F***ING B*TCH.”




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« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2011, 08:07:25 PM »

During our beginnings, my exBPDbf and I spend hours talking about our dream of building an honestly, authentic relationship. I thought we had the most amazing “connection”… He seemed to want “us” more than anything. We used to call our relationship our “gift”… a near miracle to have found someone in our “middle ages” of life to love and start anew.  I felt so incredible grateful for this “gift”… How could I have known?

I had been “single” for nearly 6 years and had actually become “comfortable” with being “alone”… I honestly never thought I would be able to “love” like that… So, I wanted to apply all that I’d learned from previously failed relationships. I wanted this one to be “real”, no “masks”… only honestly. So, I gave him my all, I was open and painfully honest with him… I held nothing back this time as I had in my previous relationships… I treated him with unconditional love and respect, always… I believed that I had found the love of my life… Aghh…

The painful irony… What I got from him was a false self, a fake, and a big cruel lie…. My T is helping me to understand this better… He tells me that the idealization phase was “real and heartfelt”…. However, it was not ever meant for me “personally”… The painful truth is that the poems and loving notes that he wrote to “me” could have been written to “anyone”… as they were part of his “longing”, his “fantasy”… A relationship that he “craved” but could never begin to sustain…

So, I am here on these boards trying to stop the blood letting, learn, heal myself and find my way back into the "real" world... .and hopefully, along this journey, by sharing my "story" I might help someone else who has fallen prey to this horrific BPD/NPD mental illness... .

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« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2011, 08:48:00 PM »

Hmmm. Everything he said he was he wasn't; everything he said he wasn't he was.

Talk about Alice In Wonderland...

C
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« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2011, 08:50:38 PM »

Hmmm. Everything he said he was he wasn't; everything he said he wasn't he was.

Talk about Alice In Wonderland...

C

Very well said... .Yup, definitely so... .
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winandcover
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« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2011, 08:59:23 PM »

My exBPDgf telling me that she hated all the girls she worked with because they were unfaithful.  Reminding me how faithful she was to me and how she sometimes worried whether or not I was being faithful to her - but that she ultimately trusted me and was confident that I was doing the right thing.  Bear in mind, she's saying all of this while she's living with some guy and has been for the past 2 months. 
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« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2011, 09:05:04 PM »

I feel the exact same way.  It was a real turning point for me when I started reading stories other people had written about their BPD relationships.  Hate to quote Oprah, but it was a real "lightbulb" moment.  Mystery solved.  She is the way she is and it's not my fault.  Nothing I could have done would have made things any better.  It was a real load off my mind and instrumental in helping me to move on.

I don't think any of it could be more ironic.  Two polar extremes in one relationship. 

I'll say it til the day I take my last breath.  I'd have to see DNA evidence to believe the man who was so loving, gentle, and kind was the same man who left here in such an awful way. 

I'm just grateful for having found the explanation of BPD.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.  I think my mind probably would have just shorted out trying to understand the impossible. 

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« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2011, 09:13:20 PM »

The song we were going to dance to on our wedding day had a chorus line that said "A tall tale told heroically, she's got the best of what I'm waiting for."  

When things started to get bad he said that someone who cheat is a "0". He said I'm a "99" because I don't "have his back" (or simply agree with him) in EVERY situation on EVERY day.  When we broke up he made it clear he would never marry a woman who couldn't be "100".  Last time I checked perfection was for a goddess.  I think a score of 99 is pretty awesome personally.  Everyone said I was incredible good for him and they had never seen him so calm (3 years).

Guess I've got the best of what he wants, but he still needs to find a "100".  
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« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2011, 09:24:19 PM »

Yeah, my ex would lie, cheat, do destructive things to the relationship, violate trust and our home and then say "I can't take it anylonger" and then break up with me ... .

After a while I grew numb to this, but I still have the memories of how this would hurt ... .Turns out he couldn't take facing his own issues and actions ... .
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« Reply #57 on: May 19, 2011, 12:37:22 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.
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« Reply #58 on: May 19, 2011, 12:55:29 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .
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« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2011, 01:03:15 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .

Same exact experience here! I was so proud of our never yell or demean each other policy... .at first.

But it was a no resolution situation, fetal position her locking up and unable to talk at all... .Hugs, tears, smiles, and   never resolutions just projection and emotionally impulsive all or nothing solutions like running away.

I'll take a yeller now if it means we can work out issues and move forward... .withdrawals and lockups ughh.
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« Reply #60 on: May 19, 2011, 02:53:10 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .

Same exact experience here! I was so proud of our never yell or demean each other policy... .at first.

But it was a no resolution situation, fetal position her locking up and unable to talk at all... .Hugs, tears, smiles, and   never resolutions just projection and emotionally impulsive all or nothing solutions like running away.

I'll take a yeller now if it means we can work out issues and move forward... .withdrawals and lockups ughh.

I have struggled for 18 months for someone to be able to see what what went through ... .You are the first person who has stated it in terms I 100% relate to ... .It's like trying to hold the ocean in your hands ... .It will just slip through you fingers because they are masters of giving you nothing to hold onto ... .

One of the worst parts is that it's a place of total control and safety for them and anything we do makes us look like the bad guys ... .I hated that part of it ... .
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« Reply #61 on: May 19, 2011, 03:35:37 PM »

I have struggled for 18 months for someone to be able to see what what went through ... .You are the first person who has stated it in terms I 100% relate to ... .It's like trying to hold the ocean in your hands ... .It will just slip through you fingers because they are masters of giving you nothing to hold onto ... .

It was absolutely "crazy-making" behavior to me. I felt myself slipping from stability and reason to a shifting platform which I let her intense emotions tilt and pivot, me dancing to stay on top like I was keeping balance for the both of us over the abyss. Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

They look calm on the outside at times but their heart and mind is in constant pull, something like the storms of Jupiter, wild, intense, destructive beyond what we feel in our worlds. They give you nothing of themselves to hold onto because they have nothing that they can even grasp at, he borrowed your strength, center, and reason but he couldn't live it.

I asked her after a major collapse, what she wanted to do with herself, I had the money to support us without much sacrifice at all, we had the time and freedom to pursue a dream, and she had the full support of myself, my family, mutual friends... .She couldn't answer, all there was to do was run. Took me a while on here to learn why!

Damn do I know all about it!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #62 on: May 19, 2011, 04:48:09 PM »

On our first date, she asked me to promise that we would never do anything to hurt each other. Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Probably her definition of "hurt" is very diferent from mine... .hahahah
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« Reply #63 on: May 20, 2011, 01:06:52 AM »

Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

nailed it
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #64 on: May 20, 2011, 01:34:51 AM »


It was absolutely "crazy-making" behavior to me. I felt myself slipping from stability and reason to a shifting platform which I let her intense emotions tilt and pivot, me dancing to stay on top like I was keeping balance for the both of us over the abyss. Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

They look calm on the outside at times but their heart and mind is in constant pull, something like the storms of Jupiter, wild, intense, destructive beyond what we feel in our worlds. They give you nothing of themselves to hold onto because they have nothing that they can even grasp at, he borrowed your strength, center, and reason but he couldn't live it.

I asked her after a major collapse, what she wanted to do with herself, I had the money to support us without much sacrifice at all, we had the time and freedom to pursue a dream, and she had the full support of myself, my family, mutual friends... .She couldn't answer, all there was to do was run. Took me a while on here to learn why!

Damn do I know all about it!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) [/quote]
Amazing post! Nailed it, indeed!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #65 on: May 20, 2011, 10:19:17 AM »

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"
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winandcover
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« Reply #66 on: May 20, 2011, 12:02:30 PM »

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"

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hurtandafraid

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« Reply #67 on: May 20, 2011, 01:37:40 PM »

He wold talk about how horrible his childhood was. His Mom hated him and his Dad seemed to have his own mental problems. I would praise him for being "normal" and being able to get through all that. Little did I know.
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« Reply #68 on: May 20, 2011, 03:17:40 PM »

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"


Well the thing is, my BPDexgf WAS loyal. Only problem? contacting her old boyfriends. And of course  cant forget the breaking up because she didn't need me anymore  
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winandcover
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« Reply #69 on: May 20, 2011, 07:03:28 PM »

Mine as well.  Of all the people she contacted, at least half were prior boyfriends/significant others.  One was the father of her child so I *had* to allow him to be around her all the time becuase "couldn't I see that she just wanted what's best for her kid?"  She constantly painted him black, yet made a concerted effort to travel to see him or have him travel to see her.  Apparently, he still wanted a relationship with her and to move back in.  She refused to allow this yet he was seeing her for extended periods of time at least once a month.  Mixed signals?  I think so.  Sad to say that he committed suicide this past November.  He didn't leave a note or say for certain why.  He had been drinking heavily during the time leading up to his taking his own life - I don't know for certain but I suspect that his relationship with her may have been a contributing factor.  I'm so glad that I'm taking steps (albeit small ones) towards healing myself and disengaging from her.  There but for the grace of God go I... .

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"


Well the thing is, my BPDexgf WAS loyal. Only problem? contacting her old boyfriends. And of course  cant forget the breaking up because she didn't need me anymore  

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« Reply #70 on: May 20, 2011, 07:12:17 PM »

My ex actually said "I dont do anger" I still cant believe that one... .

and another one "Ive never lied to you" I knew at the time that was a lie in itself!
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« Reply #71 on: May 21, 2011, 03:50:27 AM »

My ex actually said "I dont do anger" I still cant believe that one... .

and another one "Ive never lied to you" I knew at the time that was a lie in itself!

Maybe we should have a top 5 BPD irony list  Smiling (click to insert in post) Seems like they all say that they cant lie or are bad at lying.
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« Reply #72 on: May 21, 2011, 07:32:12 AM »

#1.He claimed to adore women and that he got along with women better and had lots of women friends.

-Yet, I noticed that his favorite word of all was c$nt, followed by b$tch, p$ssy, and any other variations of female oriented curse words.  By fat c^nt was his most favorite and most repeated.  

-All, seriously, all of his stories about women were these sweeping negative, devalued, painted black stories.  Like that women ALWAYS get all the money in a divorce and leave the man in poverty.  He had tons of stories of women cheating and sneaking around.  He claimed all women would rather date a rich guy over a guy that they really loved, WTH, for real! After a while I swear I started to wonder if he was jealous of women or wanted to be one.  B/c he had this view that women are always taken care of and have nothing to worry about.  It started to click in my mind that he viewed women as holding all the power and as slut machines being paid b/c they control the sex in relationships.  He actually said things pretty close to that last line.  His stories left me the impression that women are constantly scheming and victimizing men.  Oh, my gosh, I remember the discussion we had about men getting in trouble for having sex with underage teen girls.  He claimed some teenage girls are seductive and seduce men.  He also claimed that men are getting 20 year prison sentences for statutory rape (sorry, but patently false!)


#2. He accused me of being controlling.  That is so far from the truth that it barely even annoyed me, it made me laugh b/c it was so insane to accuse me of that.  I don't like to be in charge and have trouble being assertive.  One of his examples was that I controlled sexual activity b/c in the first week we were dating I was trying to go slower at a pace i was comfortable with to let us see if we had real intimacy.  He could care less what I was comfortable with and brought up everything from toys, to three-somes, to you name it in a week! And I was controlling.  

#3 He never lies and isn't capable of it and hates liars.  

#4 He has never cheated and hates cheaters with a burning passion.  (I didn't stick around long enough to find out the truth on this one)

Jeez, he was looney! (apparently me too b/c I stuck around to listen to any of this garbage)

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« Reply #73 on: May 21, 2011, 08:11:10 AM »

Re: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?

Yeah, the not so subtle reminder that to find your life you must first lose it. And the fact that there's no wrapping your head around sumthin so counter-intuitive, that sumthin more is needed for the realization--the marathon exercising of our whole self, there sumwhere but with all the "bits" of it seemingly at odds with each other while tryin to work together. Like one author has said, we are whispered to in our pleasures and shouted to in our pain.
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« Reply #74 on: May 26, 2011, 01:33:59 PM »

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"

I can relate... .

My ex broke NC to tell me after some emails that I will love again and I will be fine, it was all his fault.

No sht, he just basically admitted he knew he had a problem. Just never bothered to face it in 5 years. I think he just believed he could hold it together with me, and that's why he told me so many times "I never want to hurt you"...

How do I not go insane now?

I keep trying to get better but all of a sudden a memory will come rushing in, and I see us cooking together and laughing and I break down... .

I don't think I can be like that ever again with anyone. It feels like I am mourning my own death...

He just couldn't do it. He could not not ruin this. It's so sad. It's pure insanity...

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« Reply #75 on: May 26, 2011, 01:48:56 PM »

I just saw this video and after hearing the lyrics and watching the imagery it just launched me into a complete flashback. I'm sure you've all had something snap you back into that place when you see or hear it. 

Complete with the tied up victim/waif who turns around and ties you up, then goes back to their place looking for the next one to pick him/her up out on the road. Even the element of being complicit is in here, cut right into my mind.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i1MXHGB8g0

Cults - Abducted

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« Reply #76 on: May 26, 2011, 02:18:33 PM »

What I find ironic is that for somebody with such a fear of abandonment, she had no problem abandoning me, and inflicting her worst fears on me with the way she unexpectedly fled the relationship.
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« Reply #77 on: May 26, 2011, 04:49:39 PM »

How about this one, which I nominate to the Absurdists' Hall of Fame for the double irony:

Ironic nominee #1:  After accusations that I had read her texts (multiple texts with four different men, with whom she was having emotional and one physical affair),

                             she texts me the following message:  "I can't trust anybody."

Ironic nominee #2:  In the course of that same exchange--while failing to grasp that she had betrayed me in the first place--about her inability to trust, (can you say  

                             perverse abandonment fears) I phoned her to talk about this and other issues, but she wouldn't take the call.  Instead she texted me to say "I

                             don't want to talk to you right now."  I figured out later that the reason she didn't want to "talk to [me] right now" was because that very

                             moment the guy she'd had the physical affair with was at her house, so she couldn't talk to me about things like trust and betrayal or her cover

                              would get blown.  The other guy would then know about me . . . the man she'd been in a "committed" relationship with for almost three years

                              with whom she shopped for engagement rings two weekends before.

And the winner is . . .

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« Reply #78 on: May 26, 2011, 11:49:09 PM »

I'm not sure if this qualifies as flat out irony, as it's more of a puzzle wrapped in a riddle- but a Borderline relationship begins and ends on unrequited love.

Since these are people with holes in their bucket, the love contents keep draining out. You can try to love them, but until they love themselves, the love they feel they give you is unrequited. I think that's a huge conundrum to the disorder, because you can experience a broken heart (unrequited love) with a Borderline, but the Borderline also claims to have unrequited love concerning you disapproving of them. Since the disorder swings back and forth in splitting black with reunion fantasies, the BPD uses "unrequited love" to great audience response, not really understanding that the love was not in question, but the belief about it is.

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