It really was not even about him was it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I woke up this morning and one of my the first things that popped into my head was when I was was little my mother hardly ever hugged and kissed me or told me I was beautiful. My BPDXbf hardly did either. He did at first but over the years it was pretty much nill. He was a withholder, passive-aggressive and the silent treatement was his favorite form of punishment. A silent rager.


The way he viewed the world was so negative. He usually had something negative to say about my friends and family. He wasn't motivated. He was a pot head. He easily angered about really minor things.

One of the things that bugged me the most was, sometimes he would forget something... .like a movie or a book he wanted to watch at his parents house. Well we'd be driving in the car and out of nowhere he would scream F*CK! I would get so startled and say WHAT? (afraid something was teribbly wrong)

Dammit I forgot the movie he'd say. I hated when he did that. He did it alot.

He also had to go to his parents every weekend and eat and sit on the couch for 4-5 hours.

But there I was. Wanting to get love and affection from this man child.

It really was not even about him was it?

[Marcie]

I woke up this morning and one of my the first things that popped into my head was when I was was little my mother hardly ever hugged and kissed me or told me I was beautiful. My BPDXbf hardly did either. He did at first but over the years it was pretty much nill. He was a withholder, passive-aggressive and the silent treatement was his favorite form of punishment. A silent rager.


The way he viewed the world was so negative. He usually had something negative to say about my friends and family. He wasn't motivated. He was a pot head. He easily angered about really minor things.

One of the things that bugged me the most was, sometimes he would forget something... .like a movie or a book he wanted to watch at his parents house. Well we'd be driving in the car and out of nowhere he would scream F*CK! I would get so startled and say WHAT? (afraid something was teribbly wrong)

Dammit I forgot the movie he'd say. I hated when he did that. He did it alot.

He also had to go to his parents every weekend and eat and sit on the couch for 4-5 hours.

But there I was. Wanting to get love and affection from this man child.

It really was not even about him was it?

[2010]

It really was not even about him was it?

Not really. He's a key that unlocks your thoughts about something from childhood. Those thoughts live in the space between hope and fear. For the most part, that's residual thought from a childhood wounding. He just came along and ripped off the scab. As the Buddhists say, it's not the arrow that matters, it's the wound that it leaves.  When an arrow is shot into an old wound, it can bring up all sorts of repressed pain.

When we try to recover from being wounded, we begin by questioning things about the arrow (weapon.) For instance, was the arrow wood or was it metal? How fast was it traveling? and so on... .but what really matters here is the wound that it leaves or re-opens. The focus shouldn't be on the weapon- it should be on the wounding. How deep is it? How do we stop the bleeding? How do we heal? Is this an old wound that needs even more care because it didn't properly heal in the first place?

Being in a relationship with someone that reinvigorates an old wound can you cause even greater distress than a new wound, especially if you thought the old wound had completely healed. For many of us, we thought we had healed, but that wasn't exactly true. We've never been able to heal our original wound- we've just placed a band-aid over it. Many of us here have had no experience with real healing -due to our own neglect and unresolved pain from childhood which we tried to cover up and hide from others. That's what a relationship with a BPD uncovers.

Personally, I wasn't able to see things clearly when I was mirrored and then acted upon. The confusion made my pain so great that I wasn't aware that the behaviors were truly being done to me. I just wanted that confusion to go away- but I returned to the very person who confused me to get answers and in their compulsive lying they wounded me. This only served to create a cycle where I returned to them in order to have them *heal* my confusion and pain. In hindsight, I wanted this person to feel *my* pain.  Choosing people that wound me and who are also incapable of feeling my pain only pours salt into my wound because that excruciating lack of empathy just feels *familiar* to me.

People lacking empathy are my greatest fear. My second greatest fear is that I deserved this behavior and that I must have caused it based upon my own insecurities.  My greatest fears were activated in a Borderline relationship, but (it's not really about him.) It's about me.

Returning over and over again to view the arrow and see what type of weapon it is doesn't address the wounding. That arrow actually lives in the space between fear and hope that another human being will take responsibility for wounding me. This is unresolved *wants* from my childhood and will likely NEVER be resolved by the people who hurt me. I can no longer confuse my *wants* with my *needs*.  Sometimes you *need* to walk away and protect yourself even if you *want* this person to make amends.

I can focus my concentration on *need* to the point where I intellectualize the arrow and return to question it over and over again, but in doing so, I allow it to wound me over and over again unless I retreat my energies and concentrate instead on healing the wound.  The wound was always there- it was just re-opened.

Once the arrow is out, I have to keep it out and prevent myself from reactivating the wound- just to feel the pain and keep myself down. The wound is what's important here- and why I use it against myself. I keep opening it up in order to peer inside, splashing salt and feeling pain because it just feels familiar to me.  Sometimes it's easier for me to do that because I know it so well. The hard part for me is ejecting the melancholy soundtrack music that plays inside my head.  It's purpose is to make me feel badly about myself.

What's really needed here is to concentrate on healing the original wound without crawling inside it and living there. It's not about him- he only reactivated the feelings to arise. They are familiar. Taking the time to heal them means addressing your needs versus wants. Do you want to let those feelings go? You'll have to feel them. Write them down in a journal. Cry. Plead. Throw a temper tantrum. Exercise. Get some fresh air. Wear dark glasses. Cry again. These ghost people still haunt you. They weren't there for you- get mad!

One day you'll realize that it wasn't your fault- and that there was nothing different that you could have done- you'll begin to reach acceptance and purge yourself of these thoughts.  Then you'll uncover something about yourself that you'd never thought of before. You'll realize why your needs seem to get pulled off into dysfunction and who these modern day partners really represent. You'll reach wisdom about who you are and why you respond.

The pain wont be so addictive anymore. You'll be willing to let it go and reach acceptance that you are in control of your destiny.

This really is a life changing experience. You have the ability to heal yourself. It's painful yes, but also enlightening. You'll be able to get an idea of what you want in life and what you really need and that's the best gift a PD person ever gives you- the truth about yourself.

[harlemgurl]

Marcie.

I definitely had that same cold shoulder upbringing with my mother.  And I've certainly been able to connect the dots of the primal bond with my borderline ex and the relationship I've had with Mommy Dearest. There's a reason why all the pain my BPDex caused felt so dejavu-ish and that's because as a child I experienced that same pain with my mother. It's the reason why I didn't want to let go of him. I needed his love and I needed his validation. Just like I did from my mother.

On these boards I really want to put it out there that I believe in the Law of Attraction. I don't believe in flukes, mistakes or coincidences and I most certainly have experienced more of what I believed I deserved vs. what I verbalized I wanted. Our subconscious thoughts truly do dictate how we experience the world.

It's almost like how our ex's try to feign happiness. On the outside they're smiling. But how they experience the world is based on those crazy subconscious thoughts; those thoughts are really who's BOSS. And it'll forever be that way until they get help. And its no different for us.

So in a ways. No. It's not about our ex's because we attracted them to us like a magnet. No. We didn't ask for the abuse. But there's something inside of us that continued to participate in the game and I don't think we can blame that on our ex's. We're not powerless and we really do teach people how to treat us.

So ya. There is something inside of us that needed to experience the teacher of PAIN in order for us to heal and recognize ABUSE. There's something about healing that want's us to recognize our WORTH. Without my ex I would have never figured out that yes; my mother did indeed abuse me with silent treatment. I know that's hard for some to swallow but once you can accept your role in it and how we allowed ourselves to get caught up in it we can see that the relationship was really NOT about them. It's about healing the ugly stuff unworthy stuff that we feel about ourselves.

[OTH]

I know that's hard for some to swallow but once you can accept your role in it and how we allowed ourselves to get caught up in it we can see that the relationship was really NOT about them. It's about healing the ugly stuff unworthy stuff that we feel about ourselves.

[seeking balance]

As I stated here before, my aha moment was when separated at the heart of the real crazy (and we were in MC, with a therapeutic separation), I went to visit my family.  I called my personal T from 3,000 miles away and said, "oh my Gosh, I married my mother". It all made sense - the same things:

- not being good enough

- set the bar, raise the bar

- spend on what you want, but not on what I want

- money more important than time

- my needs didn't matter

- I wasn't allowed to be in a bad mood, feel scared or have needs.

These were all reopened with my BPD marriage and had to heal back over again.

Keep working on you Marcie, it is clicking... .

great thread Harlemgurl, 2010, OTH

[whitedoe]

It really was not even about him was it?

Not really. He's a key that unlocks your thoughts about something from childhood. Those thoughts live in the space between hope and fear. For the most part, that's residual thought from a childhood wounding. He just came along and ripped off the scab. As the Buddhists say, it's not the arrow that matters, it's the wound that it leaves.  When an arrow is shot into an old wound, it can bring up all sorts of repressed pain... .


"... .This really is a life changing experience. You have the ability to heal yourself. It's painful yes, but also enlightening. You'll be able to get an idea of what you want in life and what you really need and that's the best gift a PD person ever gives you- the truth about yourself.

[/size]

OMG, thank you 2010... .Another amazing post from you! This speaks volumes!

WhiteDoe

[whitedoe]

... .There's something about healing that want's us to recognize our WORTH... .

... .It's about healing the ugly stuff unworthy stuff that we feel about ourselves.

Powerful stuff, Harlemgurl... .Thank you for sharing this! 

WhiteDoe

[C12P21]

Thank you for the posts on this board, it is eloquent, beautiful and clear.

2010-such powerful insight and words.    I am printing this and keeping it near me, to read when I am overwhelmed at times.

C

[Marcie]

"Many of us here have had no experience with real healing -due to our own neglect and unresolved pain from childhood which we tried to cover up and hide from others. That's what a relationship with a BPD uncovers"

So true, this relationship sent me reeling so hard that I threw myself into intense therapy, process group, DV group, creative healing group, a therapist. I literally felt afraid of myself. That I could not depend on myself any longer to take care of myself. I was so afraid I would go back to him. I was even more afraid of loosing him. I am now learning the meaning of "self-care" something completly alien to me.

"People lacking empathy are my greatest fear. My second greatest fear is that I deserved this behavior and that I must have caused it based upon my own insecurities.  My greatest fears were activated in a Borderline relationship, but (it's not really about him.) It's about me."

"This is unresolved *wants* from my childhood and will likely NEVER be resolved by the people who hurt me"


I am really scared of people who lack empathy also. And I keep feeling guilty for wanting these people in my life and at the same time being scared of them. Not my ex and not my mother but my sister yes. She is BPD also and her lack of empathy and the fact that she could go into a rage at any moment really scares me.


"Once the arrow is out, I have to keep it out and prevent myself from reactivating the wound- just to feel the pain and keep myself down. The wound is what's important here- and why I use it against myself. I keep opening it up in order to peer inside, splashing salt and feeling pain because it just feels familiar to me.  Sometimes it's easier for me to do that because I know it so well. The hard part for me is ejecting the melancholy soundtrack music that plays inside my head.  It's purpose is to make me feel badly about myself.""This really is a life changing experience. You have the ability to heal yourself. It's painful yes, but also enlightening. You'll be able to get an idea of what you want in life and what you really need and that's the best gift a PD person ever gives you- the truth about yourself."


Yea I get these thoughts that jump into my head, wanting to check his facebook to see if its true that he really does miss me like he saids that he does, when I already know that I can´t trust anything that he saids. I see the compulsion from an outside perspective. Because I have not gone looking. Im aware of the addiction to the pain however, Im starting to see it

[needPeace]

It really was not even about him was it?

Not really. He's a key that unlocks your thoughts about something from childhood. Those thoughts live in the space between hope and fear. For the most part, that's residual thought from a childhood wounding. He just came along and ripped off the scab. As the Buddhists say, it's not the arrow that matters, it's the wound that it leaves.  When an arrow is shot into an old wound, it can bring up all sorts of repressed pain.

When we try to recover from being wounded, we begin by questioning things about the arrow (weapon.) For instance, was the arrow wood or was it metal? How fast was it traveling? and so on... .but what really matters here is the wound that it leaves or re-opens. The focus shouldn't be on the weapon- it should be on the wounding. How deep is it? How do we stop the bleeding? How do we heal? Is this an old wound that needs even more care because it didn't properly heal in the first place?

Being in a relationship with someone that reinvigorates an old wound can you cause even greater distress than a new wound, especially if you thought the old wound had completely healed. For many of us, we thought we had healed, but that wasn't exactly true. We've never been able to heal our original wound- we've just placed a band-aid over it. Many of us here have had no experience with real healing -due to our own neglect and unresolved pain from childhood which we tried to cover up and hide from others. That's what a relationship with a BPD uncovers.

Personally, I wasn't able to see things clearly when I was mirrored and then acted upon. The confusion made my pain so great that I wasn't aware that the behaviors were truly being done to me. I just wanted that confusion to go away- but I returned to the very person who confused me to get answers and in their compulsive lying they wounded me. This only served to create a cycle where I returned to them in order to have them *heal* my confusion and pain. In hindsight, I wanted this person to feel *my* pain.  Choosing people that wound me and who are also incapable of feeling my pain only pours salt into my wound because that excruciating lack of empathy just feels *familiar* to me.

People lacking empathy are my greatest fear. My second greatest fear is that I deserved this behavior and that I must have caused it based upon my own insecurities.  My greatest fears were activated in a Borderline relationship, but (it's not really about him.) It's about me.

Returning over and over again to view the arrow and see what type of weapon it is doesn't address the wounding. That arrow actually lives in the space between fear and hope that another human being will take responsibility for wounding me. This is unresolved *wants* from my childhood and will likely NEVER be resolved by the people who hurt me. I can no longer confuse my *wants* with my *needs*.  Sometimes you *need* to walk away and protect yourself even if you *want* this person to make amends.

I can focus my concentration on *need* to the point where I intellectualize the arrow and return to question it over and over again, but in doing so, I allow it to wound me over and over again unless I retreat my energies and concentrate instead on healing the wound.  The wound was always there- it was just re-opened.

Once the arrow is out, I have to keep it out and prevent myself from reactivating the wound- just to feel the pain and keep myself down. The wound is what's important here- and why I use it against myself. I keep opening it up in order to peer inside, splashing salt and feeling pain because it just feels familiar to me.  Sometimes it's easier for me to do that because I know it so well. The hard part for me is ejecting the melancholy soundtrack music that plays inside my head.  It's purpose is to make me feel badly about myself.

What's really needed here is to concentrate on healing the original wound without crawling inside it and living there. It's not about him- he only reactivated the feelings to arise. They are familiar. Taking the time to heal them means addressing your needs versus wants. Do you want to let those feelings go? You'll have to feel them. Write them down in a journal. Cry. Plead. Throw a temper tantrum. Exercise. Get some fresh air. Wear dark glasses. Cry again. These ghost people still haunt you. They weren't there for you- get mad!

One day you'll realize that it wasn't your fault- and that there was nothing different that you could have done- you'll begin to reach acceptance and purge yourself of these thoughts.  Then you'll uncover something about yourself that you'd never thought of before. You'll realize why your needs seem to get pulled off into dysfunction and who these modern day partners really represent. You'll reach wisdom about who you are and why you respond.

The pain wont be so addictive anymore. You'll be willing to let it go and reach acceptance that you are in control of your destiny.

This really is a life changing experience. You have the ability to heal yourself. It's painful yes, but also enlightening. You'll be able to get an idea of what you want in life and what you really need and that's the best gift a PD person ever gives you- the truth about yourself.

As always love your posts!  Thank you - this meant a lot to me.

[Checkmate]

I woke up this morning and one of my the first things that popped into my head was when I was was little my mother hardly ever hugged and kissed me or told me I was beautiful. My BPDXbf hardly did either. He did at first but over the years it was pretty much nill. He was a withholder, passive-aggressive and the silent treatement was his favorite form of punishment. A silent rager.


The way he viewed the world was so negative. He usually had something negative to say about my friends and family. He wasn't motivated.

We must have been involved with the same person ... .Very difficult to deal with as they give you so little to hold onto ... .