Who is also missing their Ex BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here I am Feeling Sad. Missing my Ex BPD Partner, NC 17 days. Pondering and ruminating over and over. Things have been good since the NC. I don't Feel the stress, but I do miss her. It's days like these, lazy Sundays watching t.v. when I start to think, "Is she really sick?, who am I to diagnose... ." THEN THE OTHER PART OF REALITY, THE ANSWER IS "Yes. she is not well and the signs are ALL too obvious. The things she did and put me thru were not like any other. She is painting me black right now as I type this and ponder over her... ."  I don't know that I have a question but just a feeling of sadness and maybe I do wonder how do we come to terms with believing that this is what has happened. I know she has been grooming at least two people and is with one of them at this moment probably. I am not even a thought in her mind. Hard to wrap my head around it... .I am sticking to the NC... .who out there is missing their Ex too? What do you do? How do we rationalize with these feelings. No closure man.

Jay

[thesmasher]

Here I am Feeling Sad. Missing my Ex BPD Partner, NC 17 days. Pondering and ruminating over and over. Things have been good since the NC. I don't Feel the stress, but I do miss her. It's days like these, lazy Sundays watching t.v. when I start to think, "Is she really sick?, who am I to diagnose... ." THEN THE OTHER PART OF REALITY, THE ANSWER IS "Yes. she is not well and the signs are ALL too obvious. The things she did and put me thru were not like any other. She is painting me black right now as I type this and ponder over her... ."  I don't know that I have a question but just a feeling of sadness and maybe I do wonder how do we come to terms with believing that this is what has happened. I know she has been grooming at least two people and is with one of them at this moment probably. I am not even a thought in her mind. Hard to wrap my head around it... .I am sticking to the NC... .who out there is missing their Ex too? What do you do? How do we rationalize with these feelings. No closure man.

Jay

[humptydumpty]

Here I am Feeling Sad. Missing my Ex BPD Partner, NC 17 days. Pondering and ruminating over and over. Things have been good since the NC. I don't Feel the stress, but I do miss her. It's days like these, lazy Sundays watching t.v. when I start to think, "Is she really sick?, who am I to diagnose... ." THEN THE OTHER PART OF REALITY, THE ANSWER IS "Yes. she is not well and the signs are ALL too obvious. The things she did and put me thru were not like any other. She is painting me black right now as I type this and ponder over her... ." 

Right there is what I constantly go these last two weeks of NC.  There isn't a whole lot of anger left when I think about all the ways I allowed myself to be treated that was just not right, but I kind of see it a as a good thing.  I also keep remembering the good things and second guessing myself when I think about the behaviors that aren't consistent with the classic BPD, even though I know not every BPD's the same. 

I'm just concentrating on remembering that whether or not he can be labeled is secondary to his actions and how they made me feel.  I think I was only truly comfortable spending time with him in the first two weeks.  As far as I know he has not found a new person, but I really don't know.

I've been waiting for him to contact me because we agreed he would at the end of the month to pick up his things since he would not give me his address so I can mail them (I can't remember his apt # and I never got the correct address when I visited him before).  In the meantime I've been trying to make sure I will be able to be as unaffected as possible when I see him again. Last night he text me apologizing for not having contacted me yet and threw some kind words in it.  I think it's actions like that that make it hard to remember the bad.  But I gave him a brief reply and I'm handling it much better than I would've weeks ago.

So yes, I am missing him.  I ask myself if it's him that I'm missing or just feeling lonely (I think it's both) and I ask myself why I can't stop thinking about him.  Whenever I start thinking about him and it actually affects me emotionally, I start journaling, either about it or somthing else and it brings me the peace that I need.  As for rationalizing these feelings... well I think the problem is that as human beings, we do rationalize.  So we keep trying to rationalize what they did to us because we still love them.  Unfortunately, that makes thing much more difficult when faced with trying to get over a r/s with a pwBPD because it makes it hard to remember why we can't be with them.

Hang in there.  Continue with the NC. I'm convinced that if we keep working on ourselves, keep reminding ourselves why the r/s would not have worked long term and that we deserve so much more than they had to offer, we will be able to put the toxicity behind us and eventually be ready for someone else much more worthy of our love.   

[harlemgurl]

The Smasher.  Hi!

Do I miss my ex? ALL. THE. TIME.        

In the initial days of No Contact I used to count the milliseconds, minutes, hours, and days of time spent without my uBPDexbf.  :'( I pined, I weeped, cried till I couldn't breathe, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I wanted heartfelt apologies and flowers, I felt I couldn't live without him, and I thought about him making love to other women until it made me sick.  :'( The emotional pain of it all really hurts.  I didn't want to believe that I fell in love with such a sick person. On the outside he was handsome, sexy, well endowed (TMI) and our love making was powerful.

I never ever wanted to give that up. Even as he tried to drag me to hell.

To miss the intensity and the passion of these relationships is common. We're human. The adrenaline highs and lows you experience with these people are passionately addictive. Then you're dropped or forced to choose YOURSELF. When the r/s is over you feel like a druggie who's gonna die without his fix.

So what helps? Remembering the bad times. Remember the emotional abuse. Remember the manipulation. Remember the blood sucking draining experience of not having YOUR needs met.   Remember the lies, the cheating, the neediness, the triangulation (read definition) and their inability see beyond their own narcissistic nose. All in all; remember the pain.  

People with BPD my look well on the outside but they are emotionally sick. I wish the cure was as easy as swallowing a bottle of NyQuil but unless they've hit their own personal rock bottom they will continue to remain in their disordered hamster wheel. And there's nothing you can do to fix THEM. In time you'll be able to separate the person from the disorder.

Smasher. Seventeen days in means you're still in the shocked, disbelief, holy hell, holy sh*it, what the hell just happened phase. Your body, mind and spirit are out of whack. The best thing you CAN do is to WORK THROUGH your feelings. Cry, scream, shout, get a punching bag, tell the truth to yourself, continue to read these boards, write, blog... .whatever it will take to release the emotions.

There's no measuring stick for healing. And you've gotta grieve so don't run from it. Give your grief the biggest bear hug.    If you try to move on without processing grief you'll cause more damage than harm.

[mistyclouds]

Yes, def missing. And yes, this last weekend particularly sad. We had such fun together. Would go to pics or do something the wkends had kids. Until just before we split... .it was good times in the main. And we packed so much in... .even with all the stress we were under from outside influences. I want to txt and say I miss you, I love you, can't we sort this out'. But I can't keep putting myself on the line... .because each time something happens and I am blamed and criticised, it kills me.

So I feel like I am still walking on eggshells... .not a nice feeling. Certainly don't want to let go finally yet. What is that about? I have no family, a few friends but not many as I isolated myself due to my depression and x's demands on my time. Have gone from being on my own to adjusting to a family back to being on my own... .and even though I like my own company... .it has left a huge gaping hole... .which at this present time I can't ever see it being filled.

[Huh?]

The Smasher.  Hi!

Do I miss my ex? ALL. THE. TIME.  

In the initial days of No Contact I used to count the milliseconds, minutes, hours, and days of time spent without my uBPDexbf.  :'( I pined, I weeped, cried till I couldn't breathe, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I wanted heartfelt apologies and flowers, I felt I couldn't live without him, and I thought about him making love to other women until it made me sick.  :'( The emotional pain of it all really hurts.    I didn't want to believe that I fell in love with such a sick person. On the outside he was handsome, sexy, well endowed (TMI) and our love making was powerful.

I never ever wanted to give that up. Even as he tried to drag me to hell.

To miss the intensity and the passion of these relationships is common. We're human. The adrenaline highs and lows you experience with these people are passionately addictive. Then you're dropped or forced to choose YOURSELF. When the r/s is over you feel like a druggie who's gonna die without his fix.

So what helps? Remembering the bad times. Remember the emotional abuse. Remember the manipulation. Remember the blood sucking draining experience of not having YOUR needs met.   Remember the lies, the cheating, the neediness, the triangulation (read definition) and their inability see beyond their own narcissistic nose. All in all; remember the pain.  

People with BPD my look well on the outside but they are emotionally sick. I wish the cure was as easy as swallowing a bottle of NyQuil but unless they've hit their own personal rock bottom they will continue to remain in their disordered hamster wheel. And there's nothing you can do to fix THEM. In time you'll be able to separate the person from the disorder.

Smasher. Seventeen days in means you're still in the shocked, disbelief, holy hell, holy sh*it, what the hell just happened phase. Your body, mind and spirit are out of whack. The best thing you CAN do is to WORK THROUGH your feelings. Cry, scream, shout, get a punching bag, tell the truth to yourself, continue to read these boards, write, blog... .whatever it will take to release the emotions.

There's no measuring stick for healing. And you've gotta grieve so don't run from it. Give your grief the biggest bear hug.    If you try to move on without processing grief you'll cause more damage than harm.

PURE AWESOMENESS! 

[blue220]

Hang in there TS,

Going NC is like going cold turkey for a drug addict.  We are part of that... .and I understand how hard the lul can be after the "drama" subsides.  Keep yourself BUSY.  Call family, friends, relatives... .anyone you can to continue to fill up your empty time.

I miss the "trauma bond" too... .but honstly... .the lack of B.S. and never ending stress... .are so much better for me.

Life with a BPD SO can be very hard, is hard... .and will/would have continued to kill us slowly.

I would rather hurt now, get it done... .and live happy after this... .How about you?

We are here... .KEEP STRONG!

Blue~

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I am missing my exBPD very deeply.

She thought I was going to leave her, didn't think my parents would except her, was worried i was nervous about moving in, and ran off with some other guy, who seems incredible and seeking help.

He just won the prize of my fixed ex, the most amazing person anybody could ask for... .if treatment actually works.

[Robhart]

I am missing my exBPD very deeply.



He just won the prize of my fixed ex, the most amazing person anybody could ask for... .if treatment actually works.

This seems to be a contradiction.  If she  was ' fixed" she  wouldn't  just run off with someone . If she really was working on her BPD it would take quite a while plus lots of introspection.If this really ever happens maybe then she would make rational decisions.

[thesmasher]

wow guys! ALL OF YOU THAT RESPONDED... .THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE OUT POUR OF WORDS... .it is incredible... .and every one of you hit it on the nose. But my favorite was the one where this one statement says it all "REMEMBER THE PAIN ?

Yeah, I am saddened. 4yrs on and off and NOW RECENTLY is when it all comes together. I am sure of what I dealt with. Its those short moments when I feel bad and 2nd guess myself in asking "am I sure... .did I just turn my back on someone I loved and accused them of something irrational?" Then I REMEMBER... ."OH, YEAH... .YOU BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING, you took, and took, and took and never gave. You painted me black to EVERYONE, I am the bad guy, I am the horrible one who betrayed YOU, however you are already with at least 2 other people that I know of. You are misleading them right now... .So, yeah, I remember the pain."

The support here is absolutely wonderful I thank you all for being candid. It is times like these when we as human feeling rational people come together as strangers and have a bond of understanding the same kind of pain from a distance, where ever you all are, we truly feel what we feel. How awesome is it to not really be alone when you look at things this way... .I miss her. I will gladly be honest and say I miss her smile, the way we laughed, those "clear moments" where there was something real to hold onto. It is almost like we fell in love with people who were in our imaginations. I know we are all not perfect, we are imperfect by simply being human, but I know how to give, how to love, how to respect another persons feelings no matter how small or big, it matters. It saddens me to know that somewhere out there my love really doesn't see me or remember me. It is heart breaking to know that is not capable of the fond memories I carry with me everyday now. The little insiders, the way we planned our future. We were supposed to move to New England, go to Europe, have grand kids.

I hurt for those things we will never share and for the love that she will never know I have. How is it possible to be alive but yet to be dead inside? For those of you out there like me, Pat Benatar, " WE ARE STRONG AND NO ONE CAN TELL US WE ARE WRONG"

For those of you that read my story from earlier, I sent her a "dear john" letter after the fact. When I cut ties with her I was so angry I totally lost it and well, before understanding what I was dealing with,, I was mean to her, and I felt and feel bad for saying the things I said, I would like to share my dear john letter with you all. I don't know that she will ever understand the words or why I left, but this is what I said. 18 days, NC.

""""""I stand by my last email however truth is, I want you to be ok. I care about you... .No sugar coating it; it wasn’t fair for either of us. In spite of everything, we can’t change the past; I do not regret you and I will always remember your smile, your eyes and the way we laughed when things were good. I wish your life to be filled with everything that makes you feel that way, all day everyday. You meant more to me than just the passing of time, I am sorry if my email was rough; I am very disappointed in the things that came to light but I don’t want that to be the catalyst of our memory. I wish you happiness in every form; I wish you love and understanding from someone that can give it to you.

I made my peace with the fact that we will never see each other again. I wish you a long and happy life…. I hope you wish the same for me.

Someday when we are old and gray if I ever cross your mind take that as a sign that I thought of you too and remembering, “THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE?”

Cuidate


So those were my last words. For those of you who don't know cuidate, means "take care" in Spanish. I know that letter is useless, but nonetheless it was my goodbye. I am standing strong and I will not break my NC. I miss her a lot, but at the end of the day, YES, I REMEMBER THE PAIN... .

The smasher

[Robhart]

I was around the same spot you were a year ago .I was  trying to write the defining letter and hoping she wasn't a BPD(maybe just a drinking issue). So I went back for round 2 . This time my eyes were a little more open and the abuse,lying ,cheating  and the BPD were  more apparent.I pulled the plug and have been no contact for 6 months and haven't seen her for 7.Sadly this time I realize that nothing I write or say will change  her and in fact she'll just pull words out to use against me.Empathy and taking responsibility are characteristics you can't create in a BPD.

[thesmasher]

Robhart: Thanks.

Yes, I agree. You see we had no conctact for 3 mos until the first of April. I didn't know THEN what I was dealing with. I just KNEW that something was terribly wrong and I couldn't pin point it. Her stories of supposed "friends" that liked her etc but she didn't feel the same, LIES. The whole "my ex's were stalkers" LIES... .When she came back around in April, I had already just begun to step out and started dating someone that has been a long time friend, we didn't realize that we had the potential for more. So when my ex BPD came around, she was so lovely in allowing me to "close that chapter" so to speak. That wasn't fair to her but she since were friends first she was a smart lady in giving me that space to fully see that "something was wrong". It amazes me how the people in my life could see it, and I couldn't. Well, this last time when I allowed my ex BPD back in after all that time, I went in with EYES WIDE OPEN, I was looking for something but I didn't know what it was until I came face to face with it. Man it is so creepy to finally see things you didn't see before. After a long period of discussions with close friends and a therapist, It was suggested that I was possibly dealing with a woman who suffered from BPD, at first I thought, "Naaaaah, shes just selfish etc" But then came the lies, the weird one minute shes ok and then next minute, just when I think we have truly had a heart to heart she would bring up the past and a few times she had these tantrums that were outrageous, convulsions, retching, crying, endlessly. Man, it just tore me up to see her face twisted and red from crying like a child, over NOTHING that someone rational wouldn't have been able to discuss or clarify with words and a conversation. She kept accusing me of things I didn't do and of course she knew that I had started dating someone, we were NOT together during those months so I had no reason to lie, but while I was trying to give her this last opportunity she was much different, at first THE LOVING WAS INCREDIBLE, SHE PROMISED ME SO MUCH, OH HOW DIFFERENT THIS TIME IT WOULD BE, AND HOW SHE HAD TO TELL ME SO MUCH THAT SHE LOVED ME, SHE WANTED TO SCREAM IT TO THE WORLD... .SHE EVEN TOUCHED MY HAND ONCE AS IF IN SOME REASSURING MODE AND SAID TO ME, DON'T WORRY "ITS REAL, I AM HERE"... .AND now that I think back its like WOW! WHAT? In the meantime "back at the funny farm" she had to other people on the back burner  or on the side if you will... .LMAO WOW! REALLY? So yeah, it is going to take time but I can name quite a few incidents and looking back it is shocking at all of the signs I missed for so long. I think deep down at some point we don't want to see it even though our gut screams to us that it is there... .

[thesmasher]

@Blue220, THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, IS "YES"... .I am ready for a drama free life with someone who reciprocates my feelings and genuinely is capable of a responsible, loving R/S and not that OTHER stuff that only BPD can give. I have special lady that is waiting for me to recover. She has been of the most and best support. However, I respect her enough to gather myself first before getting her too involved. I know that I need to address these things first before moving on to someone else. She has been a long time friend and loves me endlessly. Says "we have all the time in the world, do what you need to do, I will be here waiting"... .isn't that just beautiful? So, I know that I am going to be ok. I took on this forum to heal and perhaps help others to heal too. I figure rather than to keep inside I needed to do something and I didn't want to be that person who talks about their ex etc... .that is NOT who I want to be. Under the circumstances, these are extraordinary circumstances. Under whatever is classified as "normal", when relationships end there is closure and if it wasn't an outlandish R/S you say your peace and move on. But unfortunately I find out the hard way that it isn't so in this case. I have to find my own closure. I so wish I never would've have broken the NC, although ironically I had no idea that those months apart were considered NC at the time. Wish I had known sooner, like you, better to have gotten over it before than to learn of it now. But I suppose it is better that at least I know she is ill rather than to have thought like I did before that she was just an uncaring selfish person. It is indeed a bitter trade off... .  

[GP44]

I miss my ex. I miss the good times. Our relationship wasn't dysfunctional, but she sure was based on how she ended it. Part of my pain is not being able to understand it - how could you walk away from what we had together?

My ex was the sudden cut off variety. She never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the relationship. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at wedding bands together. Five days before she dumped me she's telling me in an email what kind of engagement ring she wanted.

If the shoe were on the other foot, my conscience would be killing me. I remember one of my friends told me "I don't think her family would have been too understanding if you had dumped her like that. A lot of dads would want to go kick the @ss of a guy who dumped their daughters in such a way."

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I am missing my exBPD very deeply.



He just won the prize of my fixed ex, the most amazing person anybody could ask for... .if treatment actually works.

This seems to be a contradiction.  If she  was ' fixed" she  wouldn't  just run off with someone . If she really was working on her BPD it would take quite a while plus lots of introspection.If this really ever happens maybe then she would make rational decisions.

Yea but she is really trying in therapy to fix herself, and he gets the prize... .not me... i went through all this bulls* for nothing... .

[thesmasher]

Hi hurt_by_BPD, listen, she is really not getting "fixed", sorry buddy, but from what I am learning there is not much change with this disorder. IF there is a chance, it takes years. First of all how long have you been apart from her? How long with the new bf? See, if she went from you to him and is claiming to get fixed, then there is something off with that and I wouldn't even think twice if she is far off.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

thesmasher,

sorry if i sound rash... .just hurting alot today... yesterday was our 2 month "break-up" anniversary... .she's officially been with him a month and about a week...

He seems to be an amazing guy, and will probably help snap her out of this thing, while i sit here moping on a support forum... .

Just really depressed, sorry for venting on here, i know its unfounded, and probably not true.

Thanks for the support... I do wonder why I'm so caught up on her with all this thats going on.

[thesmasher]

hurt_by_BPD , whats up buddy... .you hanging in there? Look this is what the forum is about. It is about venting... .so vent away... .believe it or not people are listening... . 

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

yea man thats why i love this place. 

she was a good girl, was in my life before, i wasn't so good to her, then she came back a few years later so i thought it was meant to be.  she is a really good girl, and her case isn't very sever, i'm told... .

so im just trying to accept my loss the best i can.my biggest fear that i'm realizing, is I have to surrender my love of my life to this guy and pretend its no big deal... .

thank you for lookin out for me, i really appreciate it.

[thesmasher]

hurt_by_BPD ... .well, if it is a mild case, is this something you really want to pursue or can pursue or is it her that shut you out?

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I'm not really sure, she has told people "I don't know why I'm doing this", "I think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life"... .but yet she still fell in love with this guy under a month so I really don't know what the hell to think.

[boatingwoman]

They never get fixed.  They go to therapy to learn how to fix everyone else who is the problem.  I went NC with my BPDsister after 30 years of her abuse.  She has been in therapy NUMEROUS times... .None to fix herself and she ended therapy as soon as any therapist suggested she work on herself.

BW

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

BW... .it seems that the fix is contradictory across the board, from forum posts to actual papers... .Its just my fear, i really care about her, her daughter and the life and family i thought i was starting... .

I did nothing wrong, tried my hardest, but still have to be the one who sits here and cries over it all. where is the justice?

[boatingwoman]

Oh, yeah.  I think you are in the hardest part of this... .The realization that you are never going to be acknowledged for the effort you put in to the relationship.

i went NC around Beginning of February and yet last Thursday, I received a barrage of texts and voice mails saying I was Satan, evil, a liar, that I needed Jesus, that I was trying to control her and that I was trying to control my minor children by keeping them away from her.

What do you ask I did that provoked this?  I took my kids to visit non-sis and her kids and no one informed BPDsis. 

They are going to go berserk no matter what you did or didn't do.  They are mentally ill and while they didn't deserve to get that life, they are abusive and we don't need to be abused by anyone for any reason.

When I get a patent on the ability to control people I haven't spoken to in 4 months, I will surely be a billionaire.

Hang in there and keep NC.  Don't take the bait.

BW.   

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

She doesn't contact me anymore... .last time it was a disaster and everybody found out and she shut me for good... .she caught flack from everybody that knows her... .

its all over, and i have to somehow come to grips with it.

If it weren't for the mood swings, she'd be the most amazing girl i ever met. I'm sure I'm not the only person to say that about their BPD...

As hard as i tried to prevent it, now I'm just another fish in this endless sea... The only problem is as soon as i get caught in someone's net, i'll be thrown back because im now "tainted"... .idk how to say it without sayin it.

[thesmasher]

hurt_by_BPD ... .sounds like she painted you black... .that is awful. Feels awful knowing that we get talked about and the smear campaign is absolutely the worst. I am already aware of what my ex is saying, but what can we do? Not a thing my friend. Just let it soak in, let the tears roll down your face... .and deal with it. It is a hard pill to swallow, (no pun intended) but it is what it is... .An easier way to look at it is that you never really had her man. Also, Remember the pain? Even after you succeed this, months from now when you get curious to even ask how she is doing. DO NOT DO IT. I am tempted everyday. You know why? Because it hurts. Instead of strangers soothing our need right now, we need our ex's to validate us, tell us in some way that WE MATTER. THAT WE MATTERED... .AND THAT WE STILL MATTER... .Sad bro, but it is not happening. Your ex and my ex, they are long gone, mentally, physically and definitely emotional. They are both in the arms of another or their thoughts on another. Do you want her even after I say this? I know it hurts MY heart, but truthfully, I want MORE than she can give, literally they can not give us what we need man. They can't. I wish there were some magical medicine or time machine to help us thru it, but we are all that we have. It is US AND THE TRUTH... .

[Noob]

Instead of strangers soothing our need right now, we need our ex's to validate us, tell us in some way that WE MATTER. THAT WE MATTERED... .AND THAT WE STILL MATTER... .

You do matter. And you deserve better. Start looking to YOURSELF to tell you this.

Trying to get validation from your ex is the most painful exercise in futility imaginable.

Needing that validation from another person is what got us all into this mess.

Get it from yourself. Believe it. And you are on your path to healing.

Such better times await!

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

smasher and noob,

thanks... i do realize she's invested herself in someone else already, like "us" never existed... .its the reality that i was twisted to think i was living, and the girl i thought i had won back that i miss.

she always was someone special to me, and kept getting told how special i was to her... in the early stages of the break up i told her several times "if i was really the person you said i was, you wouldn't be doing this" and i remember her indifference to that comment each time.

sorry about being so emo last night and i really am happy to have this site, you guys who understand and are living it too to lean on and learn from. 

I have to find a way to let myself love myself again.

Thanks everybody

[thesmasher]

Now worries hurt_by_BPD... .we are all in this together. Some are a little more ahead of the game while others like you and I are still fighting the battle. Hang in there with me and we will be ok... .

The smasher

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

smasher,

I had an epiphany at work!

Why the hell am i sitting here miserable caring when she doesn't? Why am I wasting my life over this facade.

Sure I thought I had this girl back I wanted forever, sure I had everything figured out for my future... .Sure I did love her, but she doesn't care any more. I'm painted black, got the shut... .why waste more of my time and energy in complete vein?

I've felt better all day, and hope I can train myself to think like that for the long term.  I found hope in other things, and feel good. No more btching, and fighting because she can't accept me as a different individual, no more fighting because of insecurities of things she thought i would do, while she ultimately betrayed me in ways that far out pale them!

Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Even if this is a passing phase its showing me that my mind is working through it, and I'll be back on top.

F* all the good times we had, sure I will one day reflect on them, but F* all the bad times that made me feel like i was criminal for innocent intentions and F* her and him for what they did.

I don't need this in my life. She can call me... I dare her. She'll just feel what I'm getting over.

Time to start writing some songs about this! It will be gold

In the words of Hatebreed's song To the Threshold:

This is the sound of the lost, the beaten and broken, rising up and claiming what has been taken from us

From the shadows of the past

From the depths of our own failures

Stepping forward into the light

Denying our demise

Decimating all uncertainty

Bowing to only who can place judgement upon me

Give me your broken

give me your beaten

I will build them up

I will lead them

To The Threshold

Make you stronger

Make you believe

I am one in the same but now stronger than uncertainty

Within this army

This is more than a battle - cry

It's the blood of our lifeline

Flowing faster

This is the sound of the lost, beaten and broken

Decimating all fears

Stronger than ever

Beyond every dream

Ascension into supremacy

Now we're stronger than ever

Harder than ever

Give me your broken

give me your beaten

I will build them up

I will lead them

To The Threshold

To The Threshold

This is more than a battle - cry

We were the broken

We were the beaten

I was once like you

Now I push myself to the threshold

Because I am stronger

Because I believe

Now I spit in the face of defeat

Now I'm stronger than all uncertainty

... .i just hope this feeling sticks... .I'm sure ill be back with some sadness soon!

We will stick together united by our adversity, bound through our triumph!

[thesmasher]

hurt_by_BPD I AM SOO PROUD OF YOU MAN THIS IS GREAT! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! TAKE THAT AND STICK TO IT... .EVEN IF YOU FALL, ITS OKAY YOU ARE HUMAN AND ITS OK TO FALL OFF... .JUST GET BACK ON... .VERY PROUD OF YOU BROTHER!     WRITE YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN! YOU CAN DO IT! AWESOME THAT YOU ARE STAYING STRONG... .SHE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE, AND YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE THAT APPRECIATES ALL OF YOU NOT JUST PARTS OF YOU... .

THE SMASHER