Too soon to start dating again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm about 3 months out of a 7-month r/s with my exBPDbf, maintaining NC the whole time.  Like everyone on this board my ex put me through Hell and back so when he chose to pull another silent rage and ignore me for a week, I decided enough was enough and cut him out of my life completely. I have no more love for this man and I don't miss him at all.

I'm trying to get on with my life and meet new people, but I'm realizing that this relationship may have caused more damage than I thought.  I went out on my first date since the relationship ended and I felt numb and empty the whole time.  Come to think of it, I'm not excited about men at all anymore.  I'm hoping it's just timing and the feeling won't last long but I'm really scared that this relationship may have scarred me deeply.  I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon. 

Has anyone else been through this?  Are these feelings fleeting?

[deedee116]

I'm about 3 months out of a 7-month r/s with my exBPDbf, maintaining NC the whole time.  Like everyone on this board my ex put me through Hell and back so when he chose to pull another silent rage and ignore me for a week, I decided enough was enough and cut him out of my life completely. I have no more love for this man and I don't miss him at all.

I'm trying to get on with my life and meet new people, but I'm realizing that this relationship may have caused more damage than I thought.  I went out on my first date since the relationship ended and I felt numb and empty the whole time.  Come to think of it, I'm not excited about men at all anymore.  I'm hoping it's just timing and the feeling won't last long but I'm really scared that this relationship may have scarred me deeply.  I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon. 

Has anyone else been through this?  Are these feelings fleeting?

[Mystic]

I think it's a highly individual thing.  Some bounce back more quickly than others.

I don't think it's something that should be rushed lest you find yourself out of the frying pan and into the fire (this has happened to me in the past).  Getting older... .wanting a family ... .those are reasons to an extent, but it's important that you start that family with the right partner too.   

I took this past year to be on my own and at this point I feel stronger than ever emotionally, and a lot more prepared for a good relationship.  I had a lot to work through after this past r/s ended, and I needed the time to do it right. 

I'm almost ready to get back out there, but not quite yet.  Soon.   

When I do start dating again I will be taking things slow and watching to see that actions and behaviors match words and promises. 

[deedee116]

Thanks for your advice, Livia.  I do think it would be beneficial to do as you did and take more time for self-reflection. Clearly, I'm not as far along in the healing process as I thought I was.  Besides, if I appear too desperate and worried about my biological clock, I'll likely attract another BPD 

[Mystic]

Just take good care of yourself.  R/s like these are pretty traumatic and can take some healing.  Sending good thoughts... .

I was always a "get back out there" sort of gal in the past.  This one stopped me dead in my tracks and made me take a long hard look at myself and what's out there.  I don't need another r/s with an emotional serial killer.  Best to heal up, learn, and be wise... .

[2010]

I'm hoping it's just timing and the feeling won't last long but I'm really scared that this relationship may have scarred me deeply.  I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon.

Follow your compass, not your clock. Families can happen at anytime. There is no time limit. Families come from many opportunities to belong. Don't limit yourself to just one possibility, open yourself up to reinterpretation of your "tyrannical shoulds." At this exact moment, this opportunity you have to seek wisdom allows for many more possibilities to happen. Introspection leads to self determination. Don't distract yourself with the pull from someone elses compass- they may lead you or may have already led you off course.  Take a moment to get back on your path. Give it time and take a look around. Feel your loneliness. You'll discover that being lonesome really isn't life threatening.  The realization of this takes tremendous self reliance, but it is the only way to live a life of genuine happiness.

As Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote, in the "Solitude of the Self,"

"The strongest reason for giving woman all the opportunities for higher education, for the full development of her faculties, her forces of mind and body; for giving her the most enlarged freedom of thought and action; a complete emancipation from all forms of bondage, of custom, dependence, superstition; from all the crippling influences of fear--is the solitude and personal responsibility of her own individual life.

The strongest reason why we ask for woman a voice in the government under which she lives; in the religion she is asked to believe; equality in social life, where she is the chief factor; a place in the trades and professions, where she may earn her bread, is because of her birthright to self-sovereignty; because, as an individual, she must rely on herself.

No matter how much women prefer to lean, to be protected and supported, nor how much men desire to have them do so, they must make the voyage of life alone, and for safety in an emergency, they must know something of the laws of navigation.

To guide our own craft, we must be captain, pilot, engineer; with chart and compass to stand at the wheel; to watch the winds and waves, and know when to take in the sail, and to read the signs in the firmament over all. It matters not whether the solitary voyager is man or woman; nature, having endowed them equally, leaves them to their own skill and judgment in the hour of danger, and, if not equal to the occasion, alike they perish.

The talk of sheltering woman from the fierce storms of life is the sheerest mockery, for they beat on her from every point of the compass, just as they do on man, and with more fatal results. Rich and poor, intelligent and ignorant, wise and foolish, virtuous and vicious, man and woman; it is ever the same, each soul must depend wholly on itself.

Nothing strengthens the judgment and quickens the conscience like individual responsibility." ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton 

www.ptypes.com/shoulds.html

[4thebest]

Hi deedee116.

It's funny, isn't it, how messed up we feel after what is, in retrospect, a short relationship (7 months in your case, 6 months in mine)? I was dating a BPD person for 6 months and that relationship ended in late March. I'm still so conflicted, hurt, numb and confused. I feel almost zero interest in dating, even now. And I'm not young, I'm middle-aged and (I thought) mature and able to handle just about any emotional roller coaster that life throws at me.

I've talked to a counsellor, I've done the journaling thing, I've "forgiven" her (my ex BPD partner) as best I can, I've spent a LOT more time hanging out with my dog (more walks, more nature time) and I've enjoyed a gorgeous sunny summer. But still, the scars inflicted by the BPD person are still too fresh. I think it's because she constructed a fantasy for me, made me believe that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, that I was the best-looking, funniest, most mature, worthy, attentive and attractive man on earth. She convinced me that I had found "the one" I've been waiting for. But it was all a pack of lies on her part. She'd build me up only to regularly fly into a rage and cut me down. So, if this is what you experienced too, it's not that we lost that relationship one time (at the end), it's that we lost that relationship many times (every occurrence where the BPD person would turn angry and inflict cruelty on us, treat us like crap and inflict scorn and contempt). And each of those BPD episodes deepened our scars even more (even though we didn't know it at the time). It's a uniquely sick pattern of cruelty that we were exposed to. I don't think it'll be a quick healing process. My BPD girlfriend was a true Jekyll and Hyde, and that's got me believing that my own judgment is faulty, that I'm now incapable of meeting someone new and accurately gauging whether she is healthy & loving & emotionally stable. I thought my BPD person was all of those things. She was none of them and, boy, did she ever teach me that lesson the hard way.

But the one thing you have to remember is that YOU are healthy and loving. Just keep feeling positive about yourself, keep feeling forgiveness toward your ex, struggle to live in the moment (healthy) and not in the past (unhealthy) and you will open doors to the kind of relationship you deserve.

[Clearmind]

I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon. 

Has anyone else been through this?  Are these feelings fleeting?

Hell yes! And because I do want a child and I am also not getting any younger I have gone for mostly BPD types. I know that if I dont take some time out - first time in 12 years - I will fall into the same pattern. However, I have resolved that I am going to have a child solo.

 

[Mystic]

I'm hoping it's just timing and the feeling won't last long but I'm really scared that this relationship may have scarred me deeply.  I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon.

Follow your compass, not your clock. Families can happen at anytime. There is no time limit. Families come from many opportunities to belong. Don't limit yourself to just one possibility, open yourself up to reinterpretation of your "tyrannical shoulds." At this exact moment, this opportunity you have to seek wisdom allows for many more possibilities to happen. Introspection leads to self determination. Don't distract yourself with the pull from someone elses compass- they may lead you or may have already led you off course.  Take a moment to get back on your path. Give it time and take a look around. Feel your loneliness. You'll discover that being lonesome really isn't life threatening.  The realization of this takes tremendous self reliance, but it is the only way to live a life of genuine happiness.

As Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote, in the "Solitude of the Self,"

"The strongest reason for giving woman all the opportunities for higher education, for the full development of her faculties, her forces of mind and body; for giving her the most enlarged freedom of thought and action; a complete emancipation from all forms of bondage, of custom, dependence, superstition; from all the crippling influences of fear--is the solitude and personal responsibility of her own individual life.

The strongest reason why we ask for woman a voice in the government under which she lives; in the religion she is asked to believe; equality in social life, where she is the chief factor; a place in the trades and professions, where she may earn her bread, is because of her birthright to self-sovereignty; because, as an individual, she must rely on herself.

No matter how much women prefer to lean, to be protected and supported, nor how much men desire to have them do so, they must make the voyage of life alone, and for safety in an emergency, they must know something of the laws of navigation.

To guide our own craft, we must be captain, pilot, engineer; with chart and compass to stand at the wheel; to watch the winds and waves, and know when to take in the sail, and to read the signs in the firmament over all. It matters not whether the solitary voyager is man or woman; nature, having endowed them equally, leaves them to their own skill and judgment in the hour of danger, and, if not equal to the occasion, alike they perish.

The talk of sheltering woman from the fierce storms of life is the sheerest mockery, for they beat on her from every point of the compass, just as they do on man, and with more fatal results. Rich and poor, intelligent and ignorant, wise and foolish, virtuous and vicious, man and woman; it is ever the same, each soul must depend wholly on itself.

Nothing strengthens the judgment and quickens the conscience like individual responsibility." ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton 

www.ptypes.com/shoulds.html

What a tremendous quote.  Mothers should read that to their daughters nightly in their formative years. 

[Mystic]

I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a family soon. 

Has anyone else been through this?  Are these feelings fleeting?

Hell yes! And because I do want a child and I am also not getting any younger I have gone for mostly BPD types. I know that if I dont take some time out - first time in 12 years - I will fall into the same pattern. However, I have resolved that I am going to have a child solo.

 

I raised both my sons essentially on my own.  Did a darned good job of it too    I always say I don't know hot to pick 'em, but I sure can raise 'em 

[Clearmind]

Love it Livia!   I figure I am better off doing it alone until such time as I get my romantic situation figured out. I certainly dont want to attract another BPD and have a child thrown into the mix. So many people do it solo these days. At least I am financailly independent and no longer have to drag the ole ball n chain (BPD)   

[Gladto be away]

I am going to date again once I get out of this wooded hell I am in. It was fun dating when I left him in Jan. Which is why I don't understand why I went back! I literally had a blast and met some nice people.

[duncanville1]

I can say for me dating helped allot because I was able to see there are "normal" people out there again. BUT before you need to take a self inventory so you don't get into the same boat with someone else.

[oceanblue]

Hi Deedee - each of us is unique.  If you are feeling numb or empty - it might be helpful to talk to a therapist about what happened and to get some help sorting out your feelings. I went to therapy for the first time in my life in my 40s as my BPD relationship was ending.  I found out that a lot of my feelings had to do with me, my choices, my baggage much more so than the BPD relationship. 

It is a possibility that your feelings are coming from something else (not 100%, just possible).  T might help you sort that out.

I also agree it is really worth the time to find the right partner.  I am divorced from a "normal" guy but with his own issues and it is still tough.  If you rush into a relationship with a guy because you want children, you may very well end up in the wrong relationship even if the guy isn't BPD.