Is it at all possible that my ex's new relationship will last... seriously?

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Hi All,

I was just wondering if it is at all possible that my ex's new partner can make the relationship work with my ex especially since "soul mate"#4 seems to be a lot more laid back and easy going. On some of the other posts that I have read and contributed to, everyone says that their next relationships wont last either. Is there any possibility that it may last? I know this seems like a such a stupid question knowing what I know, but every once in a while, it haunts me and makes me wonder if possibly this one is the "one" for her. Is it possible?

[gettingoverit]

Hi All,

I was just wondering if it is at all possible that my ex's new partner can make the relationship work with my ex especially since "soul mate"#4 seems to be a lot more laid back and easy going. On some of the other posts that I have read and contributed to, everyone says that their next relationships wont last either. Is there any possibility that it may last? I know this seems like a such a stupid question knowing what I know, but every once in a while, it haunts me and makes me wonder if possibly this one is the "one" for her. Is it possible?

[discardedbf]

Dude - I have read your posts and i feel for you... These relationships wreck you as they take you to such a high then boom dump you to your lowest low... .

You know what i am the best i have ever been in a long time... .i focused on myself... .i surf every morning before i head to the office, am determined to make my partnership at my firm work and after i leave the office i train every day for my martial arts tornament whether it be fitness, sparring, weights, whatever... these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

My point is... .i do not care what she is doing... .my life is where it needs to be... .focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... .I know its easier said then done... .when people said that to me... .i used go huh? how can i focus on myself when all i know is her! isnt being with her who i am? guess what? i realise she was a burden!

Focusing on her was a waste of energy... .lets look at it like this... if she came begging and grovelling could i take her back? sure my ego would be boosted but hey you can get your own value and sense of self worth without defining me by this BPD f""kwit.

Basically the trust is gone... .i will never trust her again... .so no way could i take her back... once trust is gone i know a relationship can never work.

So if she marries the next dude and lives happily ever after... good for her but all i know she is TOXIC for me... .my life is 100 million times better without the drama, anxiety and crazyness. 

If you took her back you would be constantly on edge and worried about what is going on behind your back... .not a life you want to live my friend.

So ill tell you what my therapist told me... .get your balls out of her handbag... .that Louis Vuiton one you bought... .live your life and do not look back...

At the end of the day it is what it is... .they used, lied, cheated and p1ssed off on us... so thats what happened... .thats what it is and good riddance.

I have dated again and no one has taken my heart like my exBPDgf did... .thats the truth... but at least i get a sense of what normal is! no texting other guys on dates with me... no constant re-assurance that im not going to leave her... no constant drama with illnesses where u drop everything to be there... no constant breaking up then making up... .no fireworks everytime i talk to a female... and no worries about f**k whats going on behind my back now... .life without a BPD is great!

So after all that rambling i guess what im saying is... it doesnt matter brother... if the next guy is a soft c**k and lets her lie, deceive, play games, push/pull, split, etc... .and the full ring roll then good luck to them... .your attitude should be F that life for me! poor b~ doesnt know what hes in for.

And dude i think your story is your gf cracked your mate? well if your mate knowingly did that and can be with her... he is stupid... how could you trust someone that has come to you in a deceitful manner anyway? so he is just as pathetic as these BPD vampires.

Take care buddy and remember that you are out... BPD is not your problem... .it is highly unlikely it will not work but if it does, who cares? you dont want her after what she did anyway! value yourself and never settle for a lieing, deceitful nut case. I know i never will again.

[MaybeSo]

My ex was married to his ex wife for 16 years, but it was not anything I would call a relationship and nothing I would want to endure for 16 years.

Our "relationship" was a roller coaster that lasted 6 years. I was split many times, we would part, he would panic being alone and would recycle me. I of course thought he was recycling me cause he loved me and realized he made a mistake. Nope. In  hindsight he was just desperately needy and new I loved him and that he had the kind of woman that would likely be persuaded to get back with him... .I was sort of a "you had me at hello" kind if woman which is exactly what he needed. Despite what I viewed as a very unstable relationship that I grew to learn was due to BPD... and codep on both our parts... .he projected an image that we were the happiest healthiest couple on the earth to others... .when it served him. For example he rubbed it in his ex wife's face that "he tried to love her but never could"  but that he does love me. Oh brother. When he splits me now... .You really can't tell the difference between me or his ex wife, we both are to blame for his unhappiness.  It just goes round and round... .I feel like I was used like a toy. I'm embarrassed how much stock I put in his pleas of undying love and walking through life together as a couple, learning and growing. Until the disorder takes over. Then I'm just a used toy.  If your ex doesn't have BPD and it was just not a good match, I don't know... .I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. I wish we could have had a normal relationship, a normal ending, and he moves on to find a better suited partner.  I wish that was the case. If he continues therapy ( 7 years of therapy already) maybe eventually that will happen. If it does I would be happy for him and whomever he ends up with.

[saphirewidow]

My late husband had an exwife.  I am really easy going and believe in "til death do you part."  I think he lucked out with me.  We were married for 15 years. Maybe its my stuborn nature, but I wasn't going to divorce no matter what, even if we had to separate for awhile.   I wonder what his ex thought but that doesn't really matter in the long run.  The marriage was hard and full of strife.  It got worse every year.  When he took his own life I was so sad... .however it was also a relief in a way.  I am free of a very difficult and verbally abusive marraige without the problems of custody.  As I write it I think it sounds mean and horrible but it is what it is.  I loved him and miss the good parts of the relationship but the good parts were so far apart.  Each year another little piece of him was lost to his illness.  It was so sad for him especially but also for me and the kids.  We lost our husband and father long before he actually died.  

So even if it does work out for the new person in your BPDex's life, its ok.  It probably wont be rosy all the time and they will have their own issues to deal with.  But you are free and instead of focusing on your ex you can focus on a new and healthy life.  Enjoy your life and focus on your new future without your ex.  

[turtle]

Anything is possible.  It's highly unlikely, but again, ANYTHING is possible.

My late husband had an exwife.  I am really easy going and believe in "til death do you part."  I think he lucked out with me.  We were married for 15 years. Maybe its my stuborn nature, but I wasn't going to divorce no matter what, even if we had to separate for awhile.   I wonder what his ex thought but that doesn't really matter in the long run.  The marriage was hard and full of strife.  It got worse every year.  When he took his own life I was so sad... .however it was also a relief in a way.  I am free of a very difficult and verbally abusive marraige without the problems of custody.  As I write it I think it sounds mean and horrible but it is what it is.  I loved him and miss the good parts of the relationship but the good parts were so far apart.  Each year another little piece of him was lost to his illness.  It was so sad for him especially but also for me and the kids.  We lost our husband and father long before he actually died.  

So even if it does work out for the new person in your BPDex's life, its ok.  It probably wont be rosy all the time and they will have their own issues to deal with.  But you are free and instead of focusing on your ex you can focus on a new and healthy life.  Enjoy your life and focus on your new future without your ex.  

saphirewidow has described their existance so well.  Even if your x's new victim is "the one," his life is going to be FULL of chaos and turmoil.  

It's easy to say that you need to focus on yourself.  It's a hard thing to do.  Your freedom (like sahirewidow's - like all of us that have finally gotten out) is bitter/sweet.  However, the day will come where you realize how grateful you are that this is no longer your life.

I've been out a long, long time and at first I was like you -- twisted up about the possible "happiness" (although they never really have happiness) of my ex.  Today... .I'm no longer concerned with that -- and I am so, so grateful that I did not choose to remain in that insanity.

And to Sahirewidow -- I do not feel that you sound mean or horrible at all.  I'm sure dealing with your h's suicide was awful, but I think all of us completely understand your use of the word "relief."  

turtle

[gettingoverit]

All of this makes sense to me, but why then is this so hard for me to get over. The betrayal p*sses me off more than her leaving. I was used to her leaving, she did it to me four previous times (but we always got back together), but having my ex-friend pretend to be my friend just to hook up with my gf... .that is the worst betrayal that anyone can do. That is the lowest of the low, that just proves that my ex-friend lacks moral integrity and a sense of common decency. God I hope Karma is real!   

[Finished]

This may sound odd, but I sincerely hope that my ex's next relationship works because, then, maybe he will have found the treatment he needs and he will finally be healthy.

He's an a-hole, but I don't want him to suffer like tis for the rest of his life nor do I want him doing this to another person.

I wish him the best, well, at least as much as I am able to right now.

But when that new relationship happens, I don't want to be around to see it LOL

[whatarideout]

I was just wondering if it is at all possible that my ex's new partner can make the relationship work with my ex

not a chance in hell.

your ex has a mental illness. she is sick. very sick. there are parts of her brain that don't function like the rest of us. this "new" guy has no idea what he is getting himself into. he is not even close to being equipped with the skills to "make it work". no one is. there is no cure for this illnes. there are only ways to "manage" the disorder. and that's from years and years of therapy and medication.

what could this new guy possibly do that you haven't already tried? really? answer... .nothing. zilch. natta.

you have to realize that people with BPD see us as nothing more than an object. period. we are not human beings with feelings and emotions. simply an object. no one is different. we're ALL objects. even the new guy. an "object" can't make it work. it can only satisfy an endless need temporarily. then thrown away in search of a new one. that's why they call this a "cycle".

remember man, if she does it with him, she'll do it to him.

[turtle]

God I hope Karma is real!   

Karma IS real.  His life is now a living hell.

turtle

[gettingoverit]

Turtle,

Not quite yet, they are still in the honeymoon phase. My "friend" still thinks he has caught himself a dish.

[turtle]

Turtle,

Not quite yet, they are still in the honeymoon phase. My "friend" still thinks he has caught himself a dish.

Well, your "friend," is a future member here - count on it.  He caught a "dish" that has been broken and glued back together a thousand times... .it will never stay in one piece and most certainly can't even support the weight of a cracker.  And... .it seems your "friend" has gotten exactly what he deserves.

turtle

[larissap]

Gettingoverit

Hi.  I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from.  I think the same thing, often.  I also totally understand the replies here and agree with all of them!

My point is... .i do not care what she is doing... .my life is where it needs to be... .focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... .I know its easier said then done... .

So even if it does work out for the new person in your BPDex's life, its ok.  It probably wont be rosy all the time and they will have their own issues to deal with.  But you are free and instead of focusing on your ex you can focus on a new and healthy life.  Enjoy your life and focus on your new future without your ex. 

I was with my ex for 21 years.  We have two kids together.  I left him.  He found someone within a month.  She moved in with him.  They appear (and I say appear because I understand that is what it is - not necessarily the truth) to have a fantastic life.  He earns really good money (and I didn't get what I should have in the property settlement because I gave in for the kids sake!), he plays Dad with the kids in school holidays, she has given up work (and I have to work fulltime despite having the kids most of the time), travels around the country, goes overseas and they appear to have a great great free life.

They have been together 3 1/2 years.  I wonder if I was wrong about the BPD (but then come on here and read and read and find that no, my X is exactly the same as some of the other ladies exes!) I wonder if it is just my personality and his that clashed and that she is different and that they are both happy etc etc etc. I know I shouldn't dwell on it.  I know that he is lying to me (and to her at the beginning when I had court paperwork - don't know anything much about their lives now!).  I know that she is involved in his hate campaign against me and thinks I am to blame for everything and the nastiest ex wife in the universe.

I fight them both regularly over crap to do with coparenting.  It is a nightmare still.

BUT I have to concentrate and think that she is welcome to him.  he cheated on me our whole r/s - he is probably doing it to her to.  She also must have something not right in her head to be involved the way she is with fighting me and she has told outright lies in court paperwork too.

I am not explaining this too well, but just trying to say that even though there are times I question what is wrong with me, if they have an ideal life now, the one I should be leading, I know deep inside that he isn't happy, that she really can't be normal and happy, that once they don't have fighting me in common the cracks will show and that they may be putting on a front.

I just forget it sometimes and that is when it is tough.

Everyone here and on the other thread about this is right, she won't be happy, her new relationship won't be all roses and happiness, but it doesn't matter anyway.  You were unhappy, you weren't treated right and it was good that you got out.  I have to focus on that too.

[TheRiddler]

larissap: I really hope you're feeling better about this, I know it's been a while. 

I'm struggling with similar ideas now and it's hard as hell. 

[Confused99]

I had similar situation.  My BPD ex wife had a affair.   And was now in "love" with the greatest man she ever met.  He did everything for her and they were going to get married. She had never found such happiness as she did with him, her words. Fast forward three months  he was crazy and when they would fight all he wanted to do is talk. She wanted to yell. The problem with the story she came crawling back and I took her back. Don't make that mistake. But she won't change her stripes she will always be that crazy lunatic that you know

[SoMadSoSad]

If my ex breaks up with the replacement then i know for sure she is BPD. I doubt she will though he is everything she wants and needs.

[StayStrongNow]

From what I read and what I see a BPD could last with someone who is a NPD, for instance. My stbxBPDw's mother who is also BPD has been married to a rich NPD for some 18 years. Her compulsive shopping is going strong among other things.

I just don't think the quality is there, before the devaluation stage my stbx step mother confided in me that she threatened her husband to take him for every dime she could under a threat of divorce while calling him names using vulgarities. BTW like mother like daughter.

Nevertheless perhaps they can survive but it is not a healthy relationship where need of the other person seems so exaggerated.

BPDs are happy one moment and at other times ... .well, you know, their just like everyone on this site describes.

[TheRiddler]

Hey SoMadSoSad, what makes you say that?  Do you have any real evidence or are you just projecting what you fear?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Dude - I have read your posts and i feel for you... These relationships wreck you as they take you to such a high then boom dump you to your lowest low... .

You know what i am the best i have ever been in a long time... .i focused on myself... .i surf every morning before i head to the office, am determined to make my partnership at my firm work and after i leave the office i train every day for my martial arts tornament whether it be fitness, sparring, weights, whatever... these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

My point is... .i do not care what she is doing... .my life is where it needs to be... .focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... .I know its easier said then done... .when people said that to me... .i used go huh? how can i focus on myself when all i know is her! isnt being with her who i am? guess what? i realise she was a burden!

Focusing on her was a waste of energy... .lets look at it like this... if she came begging and grovelling could i take her back? sure my ego would be boosted but hey you can get your own value and sense of self worth without defining me by this BPD f""kwit.

Basically the trust is gone... .i will never trust her again... .so no way could i take her back... once trust is gone i know a relationship can never work.

So if she marries the next dude and lives happily ever after... good for her but all i know she is TOXIC for me... .my life is 100 million times better without the drama, anxiety and crazyness. 

If you took her back you would be constantly on edge and worried about what is going on behind your back... .not a life you want to live my friend.

So ill tell you what my therapist told me... .get your balls out of her handbag... .that Louis Vuiton one you bought... .live your life and do not look back...

At the end of the day it is what it is... .they used, lied, cheated and p1ssed off on us... so thats what happened... .thats what it is and good riddance.

I have dated again and no one has taken my heart like my exBPDgf did... .thats the truth... but at least i get a sense of what normal is! no texting other guys on dates with me... no constant re-assurance that im not going to leave her... no constant drama with illnesses where u drop everything to be there... no constant breaking up then making up... .no fireworks everytime i talk to a female... and no worries about f**k whats going on behind my back now... .life without a BPD is great!

So after all that rambling i guess what im saying is... it doesnt matter brother... if the next guy is a soft c**k and lets her lie, deceive, play games, push/pull, split, etc... .and the full ring roll then good luck to them... .your attitude should be F that life for me! poor b~ doesnt know what hes in for.

And dude i think your story is your gf cracked your mate? well if your mate knowingly did that and can be with her... he is stupid... how could you trust someone that has come to you in a deceitful manner anyway? so he is just as pathetic as these BPD vampires.

Take care buddy and remember that you are out... BPD is not your problem... .it is highly unlikely it will not work but if it does, who cares? you dont want her after what she did anyway! value yourself and never settle for a lieing, deceitful nut case. I know i never will again.

Oh man. I think I am going to print this and hang it and keep it near my bed. This is the total truth.  We were beating down emotionally (sometimes physically) but the reality of things is that these people just don't change. We can. We will. They will not.

Great Post. Cheers

[bunny4523]

I was just wondering if it is at all possible that my ex's new partner can make the relationship work with my ex especially since "soul mate"#4 seems to be a lot more laid back and easy going.

The thing to remember is that they are going to have the same problems they had with us with the new partner because the problems are little normal relationship issues that they blow up into intense exagerated messes.    

It's not like one person likes to buy expensive things and the other likes to save money.  Each of those people can go their separate ways and find a partner who is more financially compatible to them.

It's hard enought to make relationships work now adays.  I think with BPD, it decreses the chance of it working... . after the mirroring and idealization phase of course.  I think the basic definition for BPD is unstable emotional personal relationships.  

How are you going to make your next relationship a healthy one?  That's what you should be concerned with?  What will make you happy?

Bunny

[Icanteven]

Hi All,

I was just wondering if it is at all possible that my ex's new partner can make the relationship work with my ex especially since "soul mate"#4 seems to be a lot more laid back and easy going. On some of the other posts that I have read and contributed to, everyone says that their next relationships wont last either. Is there any possibility that it may last? I know this seems like a such a stupid question knowing what I know, but every once in a while, it haunts me and makes me wonder if possibly this one is the "one" for her. Is it possible?

Maybe it will last.  You should hope it does last because that would mean your ex has found happiness, and if we truly love someone shouldn't we be happy for their happiness?  Unless of course it's something else.

My wife is astonishingly beautiful.  When she gets back out into the dating world it will take her all of three seconds to find someone who wants to be with her.  Maybe less.  And they may very well live happily ever after.  Well, provided a few caveats:

He must be willing to give until there's nothing left while getting little and sometimes nothing in return
He must be willing to support her every want and need without her being able to support herself in any way shape or form
He must be willing to live with the specter that his partner may take her life and will certainly threaten to do so throughout the relationship
He must be willing to deal with the fact that she has a whole 'nother family she's essentially abandoned, and be ok with someone who can walk away from her family and not look back

And we've not even gotten into the gory details of things that are a bit too personal to post, even anonymously. 

So, yeah, she may live happily ever after.  He won't. 

[Ahoy]

Turtle,

Not quite yet, they are still in the honeymoon phase. My "friend" still thinks he has caught himself a dish.

It's a shame Hollywood has given us these perceptions of 'soul mate' and 'the one' because it causes so many people to ignore or put up with giant red flags because they so quickly buy into the Nicholas Sparks idea of stumbling into our perfect match with instant fireworks, instant love and instant connection. Hell that's what I thought I had found, we said I love you's after two months and were engaged after four.

Yes finding your partner certainly happens that way for some people, HOWEVER in hindsight I am embarrassed with how swept up and in love I was, I overlooked so many warning signs, either that or I was blind to them.

Certainly the phrase "too good to be true" comes to mind.