He just doesn't want anyone else to have me

[cyndiloowho]

Since I told my uBPDh of my leaving plans a couple days ago, he hasnt had anything to say about it. Not really unusual for him to not want to talk. But today, after a nice breakfast I made, he sat down across from me and said now he's "ready to say how I feel". OK.

Him: "this whole thing sucks!"

Me: "I thought you'd be happy to finally have the privacy you've wanted"

Him: "I dont know why you think that"

Me: "because you've been upset about me "always being here" for years now, and have told me repeatedly that you want and need privacy"

Him: --silence--

Me: "Im confused. If you dont want a r/s with me, why would you want me here?"

Him: (gets up to leave the room) stops in his doorway and tells me "I just dont want anyone else to have you!"

AND THERE IT IS! TRUTH! (Such a rare occurrence here!)

I understand that this is part of the illness. He doesnt want to be alone. Is he afraid that if I find someone else, he'll be alone for sure the rest of his life? I find it hard to believe that he would feel jealous.

But I cant help but feel a little karma going on here. I mean, I have no intention of running off to 'find' another r/s. I have not lived on my own for 30 yrs! I am really looking forward to not having to concern myself with another for awhile. But for years now my H has required a separate, private sex life. He has told me "I dont care to include you". "You're not invited". "Leave me alone". ":)ont touch me". "I got nothin for you". And with all this sexual acting out, my H has repeatedly told me that I just have to accept that "this is what guys do!" Meanwhile, I have been expected to remain faithful (and celibate) all these years! So, even though I have no desires to run into another man's arms any time soon, Im not telling him that! Let him sit with his thoughts. He made this pot of stew, he can just simmer in it!

[diotima]

Amazing (but not really)! Yes, let him stew in it. You were kind and you said what you needed and wanted to do. Yes, the truth. What he said is why I have always thought they know more than they say and more than we give them credit for--it also reveals their motivations, which are pretty primitive. You are going to have a rich, new life.

Diotima 

[Finallyfree123]

Like I said in another thread their actions are deliberate. Sorry you had to put up with it for so long but glad you are getting out and I hope you heal and move on to a better life.

 

[2010]

So, even though I have no desires to run into another man's arms any time soon, Im not telling him that!

Why not? He's only known you as a part time object, so why shouldn't he stop thinking that you'll need another half to become whole? The idea of you living on your own needs acceptance from him so that these back and forth *guilt* negotiations can stop.

You either make it a goal to move out on your own - or you continue to dance around the possibility for the remainder of your lives. Karma is best known as a reaction to an action. A choice is a choice and doing nothing is, by default, a choice- but it's not his karma we're talking about, it's yours.

He doesnt want to be alone. Is he afraid that if I find someone else, he'll be alone for sure the rest of his life? I find it hard to believe that he would feel jealous.

"I" statements... .no more "he's." It's all about cyndiloowho now.  "I" don't want to be alone. "I" am afraid that "I" will never find someone else. "I'll" be alone for sure for the rest of my life. "I" find it hard to believe that anyone would be jealous of that.

Now for the positive: I want to be independent and that means being alone. I am *not* afraid that I will never find someone else to share my life with. I'll be alone for sure, but it will be OK.  My ex might be jealous of my independence and autonomy but it's OK. I can leave him without feeling guilty.  

[OnceConfused]

"I just dont want anyone else to have you!"

Is that a statement of true love or a statement of a weak and selfish indv ?. It was all about the self.

Love is about making the other person happy.

[cyndiloowho]

So, even though I have no desires to run into another man's arms any time soon, Im not telling him that!

Why not? He's only known you as a part time object, so why shouldn't he stop thinking that you'll need another half to become whole? The idea of you living on your own needs acceptance from him so that these back and forth *guilt* negotiations can stop.

?  I dont understand  ?

The idea of me living on my own needs acceptance from him? I guess I feel like his acceptance of my moving on is up to him and not my problem. I have my own acceptance to deal with.

Back and forth guilt negotiations? I have never done or said anything that would suggest Im looking for someone else or want to be with anyone. I guess Im just confused by what you're trying to say.  ?

You either make it a goal to move out on your own - or you continue to dance around the possibility for the remainder of your lives. Karma is best known as a reaction to an action. A choice is a choice and doing nothing is, by default, a choice- but it's not his karma we're talking about, it's yours.

Again, I dont get where you're coming from. I am moving. I am seeking divorce. I am starting a whole new life. I dont feel any dancing. Not with me. Im done. Its over. Im leaving.

Karma: "the effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence"

It is my H who has spent all these years acting out sexually. Now that he knows Im leaving, the first thing he goes to is that He doesnt want me with someone else? Seems to me his own actions are causing his insecurities and delusional thinking, not my fidelity.

"I" statements... .no more "he's." It's all about cyndiloowho now.  "I" don't want to be alone. "I" am afraid that "I" will never find someone else. "I'll" be alone for sure for the rest of my life. "I" find it hard to believe that anyone would be jealous of that.

I have been alone in my r/s for 29 years. I am looking forward to living near my daughter, being actively involved and engaged with college and activities, and, finally NOT being alone! I am not concerned about whether I may find someone else, or not. My goal is independence, not replacement. I dont believe my H is capable of 'jealousy'.

I have to live here with my H for 6 more weeks. I would like it to be as peaceful as possible. I am trying to understand his perspective, his BPD skews. But my response, when I just dont get it with what the hell he's thinking, is to just let it go... .he thinks what he thinks. I dont understand where he gets this crap. Dont know why he's leaped to this issue of me being with someone else. In fact, I find it so incredulous that he would even be thinking that. It certainly speaks to how far out of touch he is. I does not speak to who I am, the woman I am, or what is important in my life. 

[MaybeSo]

A pwBPD is emotionally arrested at a young age. He wants his mommy and his play toys all to himself. Abandonment fears kick In when he feels he may loose (control) of you.

Your plans for yourself sound healthy.

His response is text book borderline and predictable and ultimately of no consequence unless you react, respond, or otherwise pick up the rope. It sounds like you are not inclined to, and are disengaging,  which is smart and good for you.

A large part of my ex's manipulative behaviors were all about having his cake and eating it too, he could be hedging his bets and exploring his options With other women but always tricking me into believing he was committed to Me... .So that way he never had to risk losing me to someone else. He did not want anyone else to have me, but was never really committed to me.

It's like being married to a three year old.

You are on your way to better things.

[2010]

The idea of me living on my own needs acceptance from him?

The idea of you living on your own needs No negotiation.

I have no desires to run into another man's arms any time soon, Im not telling him that!

Tell him you have no desire to find another man. You are going to be alone for the first time in your life.

Now that he knows Im leaving, the first thing he goes to is that He doesnt want me with someone else? Seems to me his own actions are causing his insecurities and delusional thinking

The idea of you living on your own needs No negotiation.

I have been alone in my r/s for 29 years. I am looking forward to living near my daughter, being actively involved and engaged with college and activities, and, finally NOT being alone!

You are going to be alone. Your daughter will have her own life, with her own privacy, separate and independent from you. 

[thejerk]

Since I told my uBPDh of my leaving plans a couple days ago, he hasnt had anything to say about it. Not really unusual for him to not want to talk. But today, after a nice breakfast I made, he sat down across from me and said now he's "ready to say how I feel". OK.

Him: "this whole thing sucks!"

Me: "I thought you'd be happy to finally have the privacy you've wanted"

Him: "I dont know why you think that"

Me: "because you've been upset about me "always being here" for years now, and have told me repeatedly that you want and need privacy"

Him: --silence--

Me: "Im confused. If you dont want a r/s with me, why would you want me here?"

Him: (gets up to leave the room) stops in his doorway and tells me "I just dont want anyone else to have you!"

AND THERE IT IS! TRUTH! (Such a rare occurrence here!)

I understand that this is part of the illness. He doesnt want to be alone. Is he afraid that if I find someone else, he'll be alone for sure the rest of his life? I find it hard to believe that he would feel jealous.

But I cant help but feel a little karma going on here. I mean, I have no intention of running off to 'find' another r/s. I have not lived on my own for 30 yrs! I am really looking forward to not having to concern myself with another for awhile. But for years now my H has required a separate, private sex life. He has told me "I dont care to include you". "You're not invited". "Leave me alone". ":)ont touch me". "I got nothin for you". And with all this sexual acting out, my H has repeatedly told me that I just have to accept that "this is what guys do!" Meanwhile, I have been expected to remain faithful (and celibate) all these years! So, even though I have no desires to run into another man's arms any time soon, Im not telling him that! Let him sit with his thoughts. He made this pot of stew, he can just simmer in it!

  look how he refers to you as a piece of property, to me not wanting someone else to "have" you means that he doesnt want  to let go off controlling and manipulating you.

[cyndiloowho]

He wants his mommy and his play toys all to himself.

That makes a lot of sense. Childish. But his reality!

look how he refers to you as a piece of property, to me not wanting someone else to "have" you means that he doesnt want  to let go off controlling and manipulating you.

In thinking about it, I was feeling like he doesnt even see me as a human being, doesnt even seem to understand that a person deserves love. He's isnt able to care about me or what might make me happy.

Tell him you have no desire to find another man.

I dont feel I owe him any explanations. That just feels like Im taking the bait. He would love to hear me say "ooh baby, I could never be with anyone but you". His concerns are his own. I have given him no reason to feel Im replacing him. Those have been his actions, not mine.

You are going to be alone for the first time in your life.

I have been alone all my life. I am going to live independently, not alone.

a·loneAdjective/əˈlōn/

1. Having no one else present; on one's own.

2. Without others' help or participation; single-handed



While I will be accomplishing things on my own, there will be others present in my life. I will have the help of the University, Voc Rehab, my daughter, and the Workforce center. I also plan to begin volunteering with non-profit orgs right away. I will no longer be alone in my life!

[OnceConfused]

Cindy:

You are so right. I'd rather be alone (solitude) than being lonely (not loving the one I am with).

In a few weeks, you will enjoy the silence. It will be like the toothache suddenly disappears.

[Annaleigh]

We had a speaker at CR last night, he's been doing divorce recovery workshops for over 20 years.  He said people crave true intimacy, to be heard and listened to.  That might not necessarily happen in a marriage but people keep trying and looking for that perfect marriage partner but what we want is that true intimacy.  He said we can find that with friends and family, we don't have to have a spouse to get that need met. 

[cyndiloowho]

It will be like the toothache suddenly disappears.

   

We had a speaker at CR last night, he's been doing divorce recovery workshops for over 20 years.  He said people crave true intimacy, to be heard and listened to.  That might not necessarily happen in a marriage but people keep trying and looking for that perfect marriage partner but what we want is that true intimacy.  He said we can find that with friends and family, we don't have to have a spouse to get that need met. 

I have come to understand that intimacy is a basic human need. We all seek a connectedness, a sense of belonging. Something I have never had in my life, not in my childhood, certainly not in my r/s. With this new understanding, I can seek the intimacy and connections I crave! YEA!

[Munch]

Cyndi,

It's just the whole BPD dance.  I hate you don't leave.  I'm sort of thinking, he couldn't come up with anything to say so he said "I don't want anyone else to have you".   I think that really means,  if you go off on your own there is still a chance that you could come back, if you're with someone else, it's much more final.  They really have a hard hard time with finality.  I also find the choice of words interesting "to have you" like you're a commodity - weird.    

Don't try and analyze it too much.  They don't think normally.  I often told my husband that some parts of head aren't talking to the other parts.  Here's an example.  Before he left I told him I was feeling down and he says "All you have to do is be nice to me"   ?    What?  That's just plain nuts.  Being nice to you got me 34 years of BS   .  

I got into a discussion with him on the weekend;  he would of course love to come home.  There is no way.  It was ALLLL about him.   I know he's lonely, scared etc... .but I just keep telling him he needs to find a way.  

I too, have told him time and time again that he has perceived me to the be problem all these years.  So - YOU ARE FREE FROM ME NOW- you should be dancing a happy dance.

The ultimate choice is/was theirs.  No?  

 

Munchxo

In a few weeks, you will enjoy the silence. It will be like the toothache suddenly disappears.

   

[cyndiloowho]

Before he left I told him I was feeling down and he says "All you have to do is be nice to me"   ?    What?  That's just plain nuts.  Being nice to you got me 34 years of BS   .  

Thats funny and sad! My H told me once, when I was feeling soo depressed about all his sexual escapades, "Why cant you just be happy?"   

What a CrAzY TrAiN!  Im so relieved to have the opportunity to de-board!