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Author Topic: Ok... I really need help right now  (Read 3838 times)
Also known as FriedaB
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 2412

« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2011, 04:01:31 AM »

I hear, and understand where you're coming from Ken... .I loved my pwBPD with all my heart, like my own family... .and did everything I could to be there for her through multiple rehabs, psychiatric hospitalizations, drug addiction and even, incarceration... .to no avail. Ive come to the conclusion that its the nature of the beast... .no matter what I did, or how hard I tried... .she'd still screw me over at the end. I know how you feel... .I think I will ALWAYS care about mine... .and im sure my first instinct would be to rescue her too... .BUT i would no longer act on it. This was the third and last recycle. Addiction is one thing, but add BPD to the mix and id say its damn near impossible to "love them back to health" wont happen. ever. Lord knows how many of us have tried. Its so hard, but I agree with the others NC is the way to go. Just say no.

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1279

« Reply #31 on: September 28, 2011, 11:46:34 AM »

Yep, when my uBPDh was suicidal last year, I called the cops, they met me where he was, we spent over 30 minutes convincing him to go the the hospital. He spent 3 days in a psych hold, I was so supportive, loving, wanted so badly to help him get help. I came home and cleaned his disgusting room that he had been drunk in for over a month. Laundered his clothes, cleaned up his crap (literally), dried out the mattress he had pissed in, mopped up the vomit... .all of which I should have let him come home to, to see for himself how far he had fallen.

But in my loving intentions, I was sicker than he was. I needed him to be well. I needed him to be the man I wanted him to be. In the end, all I did was prolong the inevitable.

I am moving out next month. I am fully prepared for the fact that he may fall far and hard... .again! He may even attempt suicide again, hell he may even be successful this time. But I have done everything a human can possibly do for a person, and its all up to him now, not me or anyone else. I will be busy trying to get my daughter to see that she cant save him either!
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 320

« Reply #32 on: October 10, 2011, 08:38:11 PM »

Hi y'all.

Well, it's Monday Oct. 10 (Thanksgiving day here in Canada)and here's the latest from my situation.

  As you guys remember, 2 weeks ago, my xBPDw attempted suicide... .so she says. The cops came to get her and she went to the hospital to get medication (pills). I then spoke with her on the phone for about 30 min. She told me all the usual things about her and her boyfriend fighting and how he was the "MASTER OF CRUELTY" (those were her exact words.)She then said she wanted to leave him... .but this time I must admit, she surprised me by saying... "I know I'll never get better if I stay this way"

  However, she still is afraid of being "locked up" in a therapy centre. I even set up an appointment with a psychologist for the next day and she told me she would call him... .which she did. The thing is though, they set up an appointment together but she didn't call him back and that's the last we heard of her. She told me she wanted to move back in with her brother and I even though we reminded her of the last 4 times she  left the house to go back to her drugs and boyfriend. Her response was... ."Yes but this time is the right time"... .she said that everytime before too. She even said that if we don't let her move in again, she would fall back again easily. I responded by telling her that even if her "drug buddy" would end up moving right beside our house... .if she REALLY wouldn't want to go back to him, she wouldn't go back despite him being that close! I told her the truth... .she needs help.

  Anyways... .that it for now. Please give me some feedback if you wish. Thanks gang!
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808

« Reply #33 on: October 10, 2011, 09:24:28 PM »

Thanks for all of your replies.

I think y'all are simply missing my point maybe. tongue

The point is, we can't erase them from our lives totally!(even if we try.) I've come to understand that it's easy to say... "look out for #1"... .well,maybe for a period of time, yes. But what happens when/if they actually DO come around? Will we just disappear like they did? I kinda chuckled at the comment... ."from one addict to another". This WAS the case 3 years ago for me.Now, I've never felt so free!

   I'm trying to pick at your brains a little in the sense... .what if they decide to get help? Are we strong enough to offer SOME help at least? Or are we too busy looking out for #1?

Borderlines choose people who take responsibility for their actions. Borderlines choose people who are overly-controlling. Borderlines choose people that are more apt to get hooked into their acting out behaviors rather than look at their own issues of compulsive feel good rescuing.  Alas, that rescuing turns them anxious and feeling bad when the Borderline is out of control. In the not so transparent outcome, controllers become controlling in their rescuing and self sacrificial in self esteem in order to make the Borderline act in accordance with their esteemed wishes- which is fantasy based and not realistic at all.  No one has that power of control over another human being (the idea of it is fantasy- and Borderlines use this to their advantage to keep you hooked.)

Realistically, controllers find it easier to jump into rescuing others rather than letting go of the outcome.  Controllers don't allow for someone elses choices- and desperately try to work a solution. Control of the outcome not only denies the Borderline their own decisions to FAIL if they choose to do so- but also keeps the controller caught in the Borderline web where failure is just not an option and try, try again is the mantra. Letting go and allowing failure is not an option for a rescuer (this is projective identification and needs to be investigated) but it's the letting go that allows Borderlines to see themselves as responsible and not slaves to others.

The best thing to do for a better outcome is to let go, otherwise you'll also become the "master of cruelty" as you don't allow the Borderline to become separate and an individual- An ADULT- with personal choice (and no one else to blame for those choices) and that's the best hope you could ever give to a Borderline. As they say on the board:  "It is with greater kindness that you step away."   Let go of the outcome and let it happen. When she wants to get well- she'll call the therapy centre and check herself in.  You've given her the number Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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