What do you do when you run into your ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here it is Monday morning and Im still feeling nauseous, after seeing my ex Saturday.(5 weeks NC ) There was a social and I suspected he may be there but Im tired of avoiding the local coffee shop, the lesiure center, grocery stores, library, hiking trails, driving down a different street, avoiding the same friends and so on. So I put on my big girl pants and went and sure enough he was there. I didn't talk to him, walked right by him without even glancing his way, but later in the evening there was one brief eye contact between us from across the room. He was avoiding me too I assume. This is all way to much to handle I feel like im all over the place. I can't take running into him here and there and I don't know what else to do besides what I have been doing and that's isolate. When Im in the right frame of mind I can see and feel all the pain of this relationship and become strong enough again to  trudge the road to happy destiny but I don't live in that head space yet.

Can anyone tell me how you handle the situation  when you know there's a possibility of seeing them at any given time and how you felt about it?

[lifeline12]

Here it is Monday morning and Im still feeling nauseous, after seeing my ex Saturday.(5 weeks NC ) There was a social and I suspected he may be there but Im tired of avoiding the local coffee shop, the lesiure center, grocery stores, library, hiking trails, driving down a different street, avoiding the same friends and so on. So I put on my big girl pants and went and sure enough he was there. I didn't talk to him, walked right by him without even glancing his way, but later in the evening there was one brief eye contact between us from across the room. He was avoiding me too I assume. This is all way to much to handle I feel like im all over the place. I can't take running into him here and there and I don't know what else to do besides what I have been doing and that's isolate. When Im in the right frame of mind I can see and feel all the pain of this relationship and become strong enough again to  trudge the road to happy destiny but I don't live in that head space yet.

Can anyone tell me how you handle the situation  when you know there's a possibility of seeing them at any given time and how you felt about it?

[Why Why Why]

Initially after the break-up I ran into my ex and it caused the same nauseous feeling.  My stomach turned, I felt sick.  It's a truly odd feeling going from spending hours and hours of intimate time together to suddenly not even being able to look at that SAME person in the eyes.  It really does signal the end of the rs.

Now I'm going on 6 or so months of NC and it gets easier.  I haven't run into my ex in this time period and if I did I think I would just walk right by her.  Just focus on healing yourself.  The ex is dead to me as far as I'm concerned.  She isn't what I thought she was, she's now a total stranger.  You did the right thing in not speaking to him.  It's damn difficult, but eventually you'll reach a point where he'll just blend in with the background.

[OnceConfused]

1. Ignore them/

2. Say a prayer thanking God that she/he really is the X.

3. Cannt imagine the life with BPD in it. --- cold sweat.

Lifeline12:

For now, still going out to places but not a frequent. Let time heal the pain inside.

[Card1]

Hello Life

I completely understand your dilemma. I work with my exBPD and seeing her is inevitable. I see her at least once a week, sometimes more. We have been NC for about 3 weeks now. And to top it all off, the guy she cheated on me with and is now dating works there as well. So I have both of them to see at any given time.

When our paths do cross, I avoid eye contact at all cost. I will not give her the satisfaction of thinking I even care. Of course this is out of character for me and I always have a hard time after the encounter. I spoke to my counselor just this week about this and the guilt I feel afterwards. She told me this is part of the grieving process and I shouldnt feel bad. Its just slef preservation at this point. The way I see it is I spent the last year and half of my life letting her strip me of all my dignity. I stood by and let her abuse and manipulate me for way to long. I feel that this is my last chance at reclaiming my dignity. I will not let her think for one minute that all she did to me is ok. I know my anger will subside eventually, but for now its mine. All mine and she has NO control over that or me anymore!

[sea5045]

I walked into a place to get lunch and her back was right there, I too, had a visceral reaction, fight/flight, I was scared to death of seeing a cold look or nothing. I turned right around and left. She had flown in for the weekend for a Pride festival, and I avoided her all weekend, then there she was. I went to work right after, then cried on Tuesday, and got support from three friends. I am better now one week later, but she did not see me, and I guess I am proud of myself for not wanting any contact.  6weeks no nothing.

At least I know I am not alone in this crazy reaction, scared to be hurt again.

[lifeline12]

Thank you for your thoughts and  BPD recalls, its validating to know Im not the only one. Thank god for these boards for giving suggestions as to what to do. I was semi prepared for the possibility of running into him. (look at the ear lobe if he tries to engage) That was my big plan .

This may be shallow of me but that evening I looked pretty good compared to 6 months ago when It I started to see the severity of my ex problems. I lost alot of weight, was and still am off work, became depressed, I was in shock I never knew anything about BPD and related disorders. I had isolated the last few months and last night alot of acquaintance were there giving me hugs and letting me know Ive been missed. I was slowly starting to believe the things my ex would say i was. But it wasn't until later that evening when I went home that I went to skid row between the ears.

Why Why Why your right its hard when you've been intimate and shared alot with your partner and now our emotional survival is dependent on NC, quite the blow.

Like Sea said she is proud for not giving in I too am proud today that I didn't give into my emotions because he loved to exposed my vulnerabilities and cause so much pain that I started to do the same.

Card1 I feel for you man that has to be hard. They hurt us badly and then to parade around with someone new is just sickening.Hurting people, hurt people. My heart feels your pain but your right she can't take what little you feel you have left if you don't let her.

I feel empowered if only for tonight with all your words of understanding and encouragement.

Once confused as hard as it is I will do my darnedest to avoid him and not talk to him. I will treat him like a drug habit where 1 is too many (recycling) and a 1000 is not enough

Peace  

[gotbushels]

I thought there was some important content in this, enough to not start a new thread.

I bumped into my ex the other day.

I wasn't expecting it.

I'm clearly not alone here.

It's helpful to share that I strongly feel I could have been prepared for it.



I would have been better off ready.

I was vulnerable. I was emotionally positive that day and welcoming to many things. Therefore more vulnerable.



If we had spoken by chance and she offered to meet up, logical me might have said "yeah sure" and considered it. I am not happy with myself for this possibility.

She has 'faded' in my mind from "massively destructive abusive cheater" to "person with normal but serious problems that I should keep away from." Time has dulled my impression of her.



In truth, I want her zero in my life. I do want my red flags of her to be permanent. Permanent as in for maybe 30 years or until I'm dead .


Anyway.

I'm happy with my subsequent action and preparation.

I'm particularly proud of my emotional neutrality at the first instance. Even though I wasn't happy with how ineffective it was when I stepped back.

I was occupied for about 1 hour after that. I have heavily released and dealt with my emotional loads over a couple of years so my reactions weren't as severe as the others.

About 15 minutes was rumination/being phased, 30 minutes creating a interaction plan (getting clear about what I want in the long term and ideas to achieve what I want), 10 minutes of reflection and checking my plan.

I'm really quite proud because I'm single and not romantically involved with anyone. I wasn't made vulnerable by that and I'm really happy I didn't 'give in'.

I've had a couple of people interested in me, shared mutual attractions and I dated a bit. The "base level" loneliness didn't factor in at all.

I am much better prepared to keeping her completely out of my life.

I'm happy I have the ability to keep her out in an effective way.

I'm happy to see I'm not alone.

I'm happy that I seem to be doing better than the people I care about on this community in that it only took me a very short time to ruminate.

I'm happy that there are people who might do even better and have zero reactions to their exs.

I did have that nauseous feeling for about 3 days when I thought of it. I thought about it briefly and it went gradually away.


Be prepared!

[troisette]

Thanks  for starting this thread lifeline. I've been wondering how I'd react and it's interesting to read everyone's experiences, they are helpful.

I'm six months nc, we live in a small town, our homes are six streets apart. During nc, amazingly, I've only seen him once in the distance, that was one month in and even though it was at a distance, my stomach flipped and I knew I was not detached. I socialise and go into town but at the back of my mind I'm worried, wondering if I'll bump into him. That's slightly stressy but I've got used to it. It gets easier as the months pass.

I'm still not detached but I'm getting there. I'm now beginning to want to see him, to feel my reaction. This might be foolhardy of me but sometimes I want to test myself. I would not go out of my way to meet him but sometimes, when feeling positive, I'd like to run into him by chance - to see if I see him from a different perspective, to gauge where I am in detachment.

Does anyone have any comments? I'd be grateful for feedback.

Thanks.

[gotbushels]

 

What do you want from yourself when you see him?

What do you want for him and how do you want to relate to him in future?

[troisette]

Thanks bushels. I want indifference, I want to wonder what I saw in him. I want to know how far along I am in detachment.  I guess I'm not fully detached otherwise I wouldn't be posting but it would be good to gauge my progress. Not seeing him and not being able to assess myself is affecting my closure.

I also want to see his response so I can view his either rudeness, or charm (he slides between the two), from the distance of 6 months nc, to see my perspective has changed. If it has, it would be empowering for me.

[Teereese]

  lifeline12

The only times I've seen stbxh  is court and my dad's funeral and repast.

I get tense and nauseous feeling initially. I avoid eye contact or speaking to him. He does the same. He tends to glare at me and mutter things under his breath.

The worst was my dad's repast. I was greiving and in pain due to the loss of my dad. He kind of lingered too close and too long. My friends and family noticed him glaring at me, so they kind of made a protective wall and someone stayed between him and I. It would've been an opportunity for him to spew hurtful things, which he had done in the past at family events while we were together.

I do not avoid places. In the 9 months since he moved out, I haven't run into him in the community or unexpectedly.

[gotbushels]

Thanks bushels. I want indifference, I want to wonder what I saw in him. I want to know how far along I am in detachment.  I guess I'm not fully detached otherwise I wouldn't be posting but it would be good to gauge my progress. Not seeing him and not being able to assess myself is affecting my closure.

I also want to see his response so I can view his either rudeness, or charm (he slides between the two), from the distance of 6 months nc, to see my perspective has changed. If it has, it would be empowering for me.

troisette I see. Yes indifference would be comforting. I think it tells us that we are not as easily affected by our ex SOs.

I too was aiming for indifference. Yet at the same time I didn't want to let go of my anger and pain. I didn't want to let go because I identified that it seemed to be strangely protecting me in addition to causing me toxicity.

I'll try and relate. I think that will help with you getting indifference.

When I saw my ex, I felt a combination of feelings as well indifference. I was more like "Oh dear, and I was having such a good day." But yet knowing she can't really harm me? I think the word "indifference" actually covers a lot of the detail that make the 'grey' feeling. The 'grey' seems really to be a collection of colours in order to 'achieve indifference'.

I've found it helps when I see how others feel, then if it resembles something I feel, I can feel it easier. Would that be helpful to you? If it's not I won't share 

[C.Stein]

I hope one day to find indifference with respect to the ex.  Indifference for me means no emotion at all, good or bad, but I wonder if I will ever really get there.  This relationship has impacted me deeply and I honestly don't know if a place of indifference with regard to her will happen.  Perhaps it will, it has with other women who have hurt me deeply.

At this point even the thought of running into her causes some anxiety and I don't know how I would react if it were to happen.  I probably would avoid her.  There is a part of me that wants to hold her accountable for what she did but that would achieve nothing as she will never accept responsibility.  Thing is I don't even know if she still lives in the area as she said she was moving.  I haven't been able to bring myself to drive by her house to see if she is still here.

[troisette]

Thanks bushels; my interpretation of indifference is the same as C.Stein's - no emotion at all, that - to me - equates with complete detachment.

I was married to a narcissist (diagnosed), for eight years, four years since the divorce. I am indifferent to him and am uninterested in his life - I hope to achieve this again. But it is slightly different, we live in different towns.

My ex is the first person with BPD that I've knowingly encountered and although the narcissist had a profound effect upon me it wasn't as deep or as damaging as my exBPD. I wasn't as enmeshed with exNPD although the relationship with exBPD only lasted 18 months. So I'm waiting, watching and hoping while working on myself.

I don't want to hijack this thread but does anyone have experience of being involved and detaching from exBPD and exNPD, does it differ?

[Lonely_Astro]

Hello Life

I completely understand your dilemma. I work with my exBPD and seeing her is inevitable. I see her at least once a week, sometimes more. We have been NC for about 3 weeks now. And to top it all off, the guy she cheated on me with and is now dating works there as well. So I have both of them to see at any given time.

When our paths do cross, I avoid eye contact at all cost. I will not give her the satisfaction of thinking I even care. Of course this is out of character for me and I always have a hard time after the encounter. I spoke to my counselor just this week about this and the guilt I feel afterwards. She told me this is part of the grieving process and I shouldnt feel bad. Its just slef preservation at this point. The way I see it is I spent the last year and half of my life letting her strip me of all my dignity. I stood by and let her abuse and manipulate me for way to long. I feel that this is my last chance at reclaiming my dignity. I will not let her think for one minute that all she did to me is ok. I know my anger will subside eventually, but for now its mine. All mine and she has NO control over that or me anymore!

I am in the same boat... .pretty much the EXACT same boat.  I work with my ex and her new(est) bf, which she started seeing before we ended.  It's definitely tough because she doesn't hide the fact she's seeing him (after I found out through someone else, of course)... .she's always talking about their awesome weekends where I can hear it or sets her desktop wallpaper to the two of them cuddling... .you know, anything to show me what I'm missing out on (even though I didn't force the split, though I made the decision to end "it".

I pretty much avoid eye contact and when it does happen, she gives me that "I'm better than you, why are you looking at me" look.  It's just simply crazy, to go from being that intimate to complete strangers.  But, my ex is dBPD who also shows NPD traits.  So she's the most difficult of all BPDs. 

I miss her, the her I knew anyway.  I'll never give her the satisfaction of knowing it.  I've moved on with my life but unlike her, I won't rub it in her face.  I see it as I'm not the one missing out, she's missing out on me.  All she ever wanted was someone who would love her for her and I was willing to do that.  All I asked in return was that she work with me on the path, but that was asking to much.  Her loss.

Keep strong!

[gotbushels]

C.Stein

Yes, I agree deeper impact = harder to detach.


How long has it been since you broke up with her?

Over time it seems to get easier if you look at SOs with ex BPs.

If it makes you feel better, I think avoiding her is a healthy behaviour.

Wanting to drive by her place is also natural, but not healthy. I think you should take a step back here and assess.

[gotbushels]

Thanks bushels; my interpretation of indifference is the same as C.Stein's - no emotion at all, that - to me - equates with complete detachment.

I was married to a narcissist (diagnosed), for eight years, four years since the divorce. I am indifferent to him and am uninterested in his life - I hope to achieve this again. But it is slightly different, we live in different towns.

My ex is the first person with BPD that I've knowingly encountered and although the narcissist had a profound effect upon me it wasn't as deep or as damaging as my exBPD. I wasn't as enmeshed with exNPD although the relationship with exBPD only lasted 18 months. So I'm waiting, watching and hoping while working on myself.

I don't want to hijack this thread but does anyone have experience of being involved and detaching from exBPD and exNPD, does it differ?

troisette

I think this is great "I am indifferent to him and am uninterested in his life - I hope to achieve this again. " It's a good model that you personally experienced that is available to you, if you choose it.

I feel hope for you.

"it wasn't as deep or as damaging as my exBPD. I wasn't as enmeshed with exNPD although the relationship with exBPD only lasted 18 months. "

I think this is important because it might be easier for the exBPD, if you choose it.

"So I'm waiting, watching and hoping while working on myself."

That's progress! 

[C.Stein]

How long has it been since you broke up with her?

She threw me away about 7.5 months ago.

Over time it seems to get easier if you look at SOs with ex BPs.

Yes, it always does get better with time.  That said I am no stranger to having my heart broken but this relationship brought me to my knees and impacted me in ways the others never even approached.

If it makes you feel better, I think avoiding her is a healthy behaviour.

Wanting to drive by her place is also natural, but not healthy. I think you should take a step back here and assess.

I don't want to drive by her place which is why I haven't since our final goodbye.  The mere thought of it causes anxiety and I'm not the stalker type.  The only reason I have even thought about it was so I could know for sure if she has moved out of the area or not.  This way I wouldn't feel anxious about running into her anymore.  Eventually I will get there one way or the other but it would be nice to know for certain.  That said, I probably will never drive by her place again unless I have legitimate business on that street.

[troisette]

Thanks bushels  

It frustrated me that I'm finding it more difficult to recover from my exBPD than my narcissistic husband, who I knew for much longer and shared a life with.

But I don't think we, or at least I didn't, become so enmeshed via narcissism. I didn't know anything about BPD until my recent break-up. Like all of us, I've been through break-ups but nothing prepared me for being flattened, floored, unable to function. I didn't know what was happening to me.

Then I started to reflect, read, think back to my childhood and to the relationship. I wanted to know as much about BPD as I could learn, to try to understand the person I was involved with - then reflect on my early years and why this had happened.

I realised that the main things I loved were the relaxed domestic evenings and the tactility. Those two things were lovely but they don't make a relationship. They were my drug and I became addicted to them. Other aspects of him were stressful and painful but I blinkered myself because these things were soo important to me. I finally understood that these were things missing  from my childhood, things I'd never experienced. Simple domestic calmness and tactility. Other negative parts of him echo my FOO.

I'm still not sure if the calmness and tactility were authentic or just him mirroring me. Whatever, they are gone and I am sad at confronting just how barren my homelife was as a kid. Intellectually I knew that but it took my experience with exBPD to drive it home.  I'm six months no contact and nowadays, although I'm not detached, those memories are memories of memories. Time is gradually distancing me from acute recall and there is another part of me that recognises that we were incompatible in other ways.

I am beginning to understand to be more discerning in the future.  

[gotbushels]

She threw me away about 7.5 months ago.

She saved you from the waterfall?

Yes, it always does get better with time.  That said I am no stranger to having my heart broken but this relationship brought me to my knees and impacted me in ways the others never even approached.

It's okay. There was a famous case of a therapist getting sexually involved with a pwBPD, while he was treating her for it. Even some trained professionals aren't prepared

I don't want to drive by her place which is why I haven't since our final goodbye.  The mere thought of it causes anxiety and I'm not the stalker type.  The only reason I have even thought about it was so I could know for sure if she has moved out of the area or not.  This way I wouldn't feel anxious about running into her anymore.  Eventually I will get there one way or the other but it would be nice to know for certain.  That said, I probably will never drive by her place again unless I have legitimate business on that street.

Sometimes I used to entertain thoughts in my head of driving past her place to see how demented she still is. I think my reason was less healthy than yours

[jhkbuzz]

Here it is Monday morning and Im still feeling nauseous, after seeing my ex Saturday.(5 weeks NC ) There was a social and I suspected he may be there but Im tired of avoiding the local coffee shop, the lesiure center, grocery stores, library, hiking trails, driving down a different street, avoiding the same friends and so on. So I put on my big girl pants and went and sure enough he was there. I didn't talk to him, walked right by him without even glancing his way, but later in the evening there was one brief eye contact between us from across the room. He was avoiding me too I assume. This is all way to much to handle I feel like im all over the place. I can't take running into him here and there and I don't know what else to do besides what I have been doing and that's isolate. When Im in the right frame of mind I can see and feel all the pain of this relationship and become strong enough again to  trudge the road to happy destiny but I don't live in that head space yet.

Can anyone tell me how you handle the situation  when you know there's a possibility of seeing them at any given time and how you felt about it?

That's really, really tough, I'm sorry. At the beginning of the b/u there were a few places I was afraid I'd run into my ex and it would have been really difficult.

I don't have a ton of advice here, but there's one thing to think about; you will eventually reach indifference, but right now your mind AND your body would react at seeing your ex. You would have a physical, nervous system response to seeing someone who you now perceive as a danger to you (emotionally, not physically).  This is a normal reaction and your body's way of alerting you to danger when you're vulnerable.

For me, understanding that some of my response would be somatic, and that a somatic response was my body trying to take care of me (warning! leave! get away! there's danger here!) made me feel more "okay" with myself. I wasn't a crumbling mess; rather, on levels that I couldn't even articulate my entire being would be trying to take care of me.

That's kinda cool, and I finally decided that, if that's the kind of warning my body decided to give me during a chance run-in, I would try like hell to keep a poker face and heed it - I'd get out of there.

Be gentle with yourself - time truly does heal. Take care of yourself right now.

[Isa_lala]

I will be in this situation in a few hours from now. At least, I know I will. It won't be unexpected like running into him...

It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up and we haven't seen each other. But today, we will see each other because our 2 kids go to the same sport class at 11 a.m.

I don't know how it will go. Will he try to hide from me?

Tough

[gotbushels]

troisette

I don't purport to know what pain you went through with those two relationships, but this might be consistent with your situation.

I feel judgement from you. Sometimes time is not a good measure of how much a person can affect us. It's therefore not really fair to us to judge ourselves by comparing the BP relationship with our other relationships.

Here is an example you can use. I like to think of a person I can trust, if they were a stranger, how quickly I should trust them within 10 minutes. Then I think of someone I can't trust, and remember I've known them 2 years, and there is no way I would entrust them with something.

 !

--

"Like all of us, I've been through break-ups but nothing prepared me for being flattened, floored, unable to function."

Yep. Welcome to the floored-functionless-members-club :P

"I realised that the main things I loved were the relaxed domestic evenings and the tactility. Those two things were lovely but they don't make a relationship."

Are they parts of a healthy relationship for you? Do you feel its still fair to look for those things? 

Looking into our childhood is difficult. I appreciate your sharing. One way we can consider looking at it is finding what we can be grateful for. It helps us heal. For example, I think of my future relationships. I'm thankful I was forced to self-inventory. It's easier to do now than in 20 years.

I recall seeing a story here where there was a 70+ year old fellow going through a divorce with his pwBPDW. Imagine trying to heal at 70. Better now than later! The painful part is over and the flags have passed

------ -------------->>  

Later on, you'll feel more confident around areas you identified as being exploited because you put in efforts to confront them. This will benefit you, and your future relationships.

I look forward to the good feelings you will have in your future from such self-discoveries.

---

Could you please tell me more about tactility? It's not really clear.

"Time is gradually distancing me from acute recall and there is another part of me that recognises that we were incompatible in other ways."

I definitely recognise that feeling and feel like we're walking alongside each other and sharing our friendly chat on our journeys. 

[gotbushels]

Will he try to hide from me?

Hi Isa_lala!

How are you preparing? Does anything need to happen before you see him?

[Isa_lala]

Hi

In fact I was not preparing myself and I think it was better.

As I offered him the day before to take this hour to have a coffee together and that he had said no, I expected the moment to be awkward. It was not.

He was waiting for me in his car (told me that he almost took the decision to leave a few times and finally stayed) and we took a walk and talk.

So I was kind of relax after all during that time and we succeeded in really talking after a 3 weeks of communicating by emails only.

[GreenEyedMonster]

What do I do when I run into my ex?

Stay as physically far away as possible, avoid eye contact, and don't talk to him.