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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Not sure he's BPD, help?  (Read 621 times)
Dawn M

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4


« on: October 28, 2013, 09:13:53 PM »

I've only posted once before as an introduction, and have a lot to think about since then as I've spent quite a few hours on this site just getting informed.

Because I think it's pretty important to understand if I'm dealing with BPD or something else, and some of my BF's behaviors don't fall within what others here are reporting, I'd like some feedback.

Things that make me think he's BPD:

1. history of high drama relationships

2. explosive anger issues; i.e.: road rage, kicking things, verbal explosions, bullying, etc.

3. Sudden mood swings that are rarely explained

4. Intense honeymoon phase with me, followed by crushing indifference that he convinced me was depression so I should support him through it (years of this)

5. His position that his depression was (is) my fault

6. Initial enmeshment in my life that I falsely interpreted to be love but that was probably more likely his need to find a "purpose" or an identity. When we met, I was in the initial stages of an ugly divorce and I was trying to run a business long distance while being in court constantly. He jumped in like a knight and we were an instant family. I know! Huge red flag.

7. Idealizing and then painting black almost every one in his life. Small oversights can result in his cutting that person out of his life.

8. Inability to have any conversations about anything emotional. Certainly no conversations about the relationship. Forcing a conversation that is long overdue would result in guaranteed explosion.

9. An odd inability to empathize even something fairly simple to understand. I don't think he's being an ass. I think he really has something wrong here.

10. Zero closure with me. I believe I've actually been NOT in a relationship for a couple years or more while thinking we were in a relationship.

11. Inability to figure out how to move on (out of my home and off my payroll) despite the fact he is intelligent and has a degree with a good work record.

12. Almost no evidence of plans for the future which requires Executive Functioning

13. cheating, going on-line and signing up at a dating site and then downplaying it that it was just for entertainment's sake when caught.

OK I can go on, but you get the picture.

Reasons why I think he might not have BPD:

1. He has gone long times in his life with no real significant other.

2. He has stated, and it seems consistent with his behavior, that he is "self contained."

3. Even when we were together as a couple, if he went on vacation, he wouldn't stay in touch.

4.
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Oliolioxenfree
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 107


« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2013, 09:23:43 PM »



Dawn,

Many of us have struggled trying to get the validation of whether or not our exes are in fact BPD.  Ive found that they do not all have the exact same traits, but rather each has a unique combination of many behaviors, that ultimately result in eerily similar relationship stories.

My suggestion is to do a search on certain behaviors on this board and see if there are similar stories.

I also suggest you take a look at the following article which may help you gain some clarity and better determine your exes behavior if you have not looked at it yet.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

While I can't diagnose your ex, it sounds like he may have many BPD traits. 

There are always certain non BPD traits that they exhibit that make it difficult to make a 100% accurate diagnosis.  In my case, I found myself weighing the normal behavior with the BPD typical behavior and found that the BPD tendencies far outweighed the latter.  To me this was all the confirmation that I needed.




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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2013, 09:48:40 PM »

Hi Dawn, welcome.

I saw some BPD traits in your description, and as Oli said the way they manifest is different for everyone, although there are similarities.

But the actual diagnosis and label doesn't really matter.  As I fumbled around, eventually finding this site, started reading threads and articles, all the lights came on for me, it was like many folks here had dated my ex.  That was after investigating psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, schizophrenics, bipolars; I didn't even know what any of those were exactly, but when I landed on borderline, tada!  Everything made sense.

And that's what really matters.  If you're finding a lot of similarities here and making some connections, it can offer you support and understanding and depersonalize the disorder, so maybe you can start to see your ex as a sick person instead of an evil one, if you would use those words.  Anyway, the label and the diagnosis don't matter in this context, as long as you make a connection with us.  Take care of you.
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Dawn M

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2013, 10:05:24 PM »

Yeah,

The thing that stands out as not fitting, is that although initially enmeshing, most of the almost 5 years we've been together he's been indifferent emotionally... .only enmeshed with my business and my kids or personal business related things. He's not attached emotionally at all to anyone. I thought that BPD people were very needy and become overly attached. He seems to need some sort of "home base" that I'm being more or less forced to provide, but he doesn't need to be in a relationship at all. Most of the stories here, the BPD is off in a new relationship five minutes after ending the one with their current non.

It's just beyond weird, that's all. I thought for years I was supporting him through some horrendous crisis depression event, when in fact, I think this is who he is. Detached and indifferent. In other words, he brings zip dot zero to the relationship table. Why doesn't he move on? He has no empathy that I am devastated beyond words, some days just feeling so crushed by the realization that not only do I need to get over a failed almost half decade relationship, but that from his perspective it ended years ago. WOW. It ended years ago except for that he's living on my property, working in my business, on my payroll, until the recent blowup we were sexually involved... .and he continues to constantly butt heads with ME... .his boss ... .as if we're a couple when he's just an employee if we're not involved (right?).

He's on a paid vacation right now, and he called me to ask what the company insurance provider's name is. I thought he was talking to someone about where to get a good deal on insurance. I found out later he is using the fact that my company provides his car insurance to use that so he doesn't have to pay for rental car auto insurance. So just totally taking advantage. No employee would dare to think that was cool. So he's got this sense of entitlement that we are still a couple, with the privileges that would entail, when HE ENDED IT. I'm ashamed to say it wasn't me that ended it. It's just been one long nightmare.

I want him off my property, out of my business and down the road. I have no idea how to get from point A to point B. I know this: I'm angry! I just don't see how to get out of this without some huge drama thing. He seems to be helpless.
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fromheeltoheal
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2013, 10:54:29 PM »

Similarities.  BPD has a progression, seducer, clinger, hater, and subconsciously a borderline MUST attach to someone else because they don't have their own fully formed 'self'; bizarre to get your head around.

My borderline ex went through the 3 phases with me quickly, but even when things were good, it was clear she was very emotionally immature, kinda clueless about the world, definitely didn't have the ability to empathize, and wouldn't get close.  That part drove me crazy: I knew where I was going, true intimacy and a deep emotional bond, and she just wouldn't go there, later I figured out she couldn't go there either.  She had such a low opinion of herself that there was no way she was sharing that with anyone, because they'd leave and she'd be left ashamed, again.  And then the emotional immaturity made it impossible for her to go there anyway.  And of course idiot me ran around trying to 'fix' it and figure out who I needed to be so she would open up, of course in my head it was all my fault.

Anyway, what I was thinking reading your post was maybe in his head he is attached, satisfying the borderline requirements, but he's emotionally stunted and ashamed, like mine was, so you will never get close.  Also, the push/pull nature of the disorder makes it such that once a borderline gets too close he will push away to avoid feeling engulfed; maybe that happened 5 years ago for you, and the attachment was secure, he does sound pretty dug in, so it kind of got static?  Winging it here, maybe trying to put him in a box he doesn't belong, but there are also waif, queen, hermit, and witch, and presumably the male equivalent, types of borderlines too, just to throw more variables in the mix.  Mine raged, went emotionally distant on regular intervals, tried to cut everyone else off and control my world, used sex to manipulate, changed her entire personality depending on who we were around, had panic attacks, knew little about the world, got confused a lot, yadda, more typical of the descriptions you read here.  :)unno, but you do have significant challenges regardless.  Take care of you, keep reading, and stay here if it fits.
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happylogist
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Posts: 163



« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2013, 07:34:11 AM »

HI Dawn M,

In addition to what was already written (having many strong BPD traits vs. professional diagnose, having a feeling that many people here in the Family played before or are repeating certain script of your relationship in their lives), I want to add that it is easy when you have a textbook example, but people have different traits. It seems to me that your ex also had certain Avoidance issues. Mine also had, in fact he self-assessed himself as being Avoidant. He preferred to move a lot alone, had almost all vacations with his friends rather with his gfs. He told me that he craves intimacy, but fears rejection. But overall his behavioral patterns were closer to BPD, rather than APD.  He also had certain HP traits, being overly dramatic and "dying" several times per day. Finally, people are different. Also if he had any other addictions - the picture might be also a bit different.

Since you are not going to do the therapy or change him Smiling (click to insert in post) , what matters is your healing and if knowing about BPD and its impacts on closed ones helps you in any way - then you are on the right track.
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Iwalk-Heruns
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 261


« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2013, 08:17:43 AM »

Have any of you ever thought you might find one of your exes exes on here? DawnM my heart raced when I saw your name as the person who my ex left me for before our last recycle was dawn m. It is not you as your details are different however his behaviors are very much the same to the t.

So whether he has BPD or not there is obviously something wrong. They do not have to meet all criteria to be diagnosed. 5 out of 9. Sometimes they attach to something else besides a relationship and sometimes we just don't know about it.

I wish you the best of luck.
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