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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Question about BPD's and rebound relationships  (Read 452 times)
PinkieD
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« Reply #30 on: October 14, 2011, 08:27:20 AM »

I have really gotten some good information from this thread.  I am, I believe FINALLY ready to surrender, HG.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't like who I've become, I'm ashamed, I have lost all pride in myself.  I have GIVEN him this power.  I've been out of the Honeymoon phase for some time now.  There have been some (brief) wonderful idealization modes, then it's always back to devaluation.  I'm thinking I'm not going to leave it up to him to do the DISCARDING.

Johnny, you sound like you have a good understanding of what your ex is about.  It's a sad tragic thing that she will always be like that (unless she seeks help of course) but I'm so glad you're moving on!  When can we honestly say we were EVER really content and happy with our exes except for in the honeymoon phase?  I wasn't, after the very first devaluation.  Knot in my stomach for months now.

Knowing that the whole "hard to get" thing doesn't ultimately make a difference in the end helps my peace of mind, thank you all.   
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MaybeSo
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Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
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Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #31 on: October 14, 2011, 08:47:40 AM »

Xxx
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« Reply #32 on: October 14, 2011, 12:19:21 PM »

Yeh daisy, although my ex sure fitted the description of a BPD, it may have just been incompatibility issues. see, we'd already 'bonded' on fb and phone months before we met, and, when we met she seemed really into me, but soon realized that 'it didn't feel right in the first week' (her words). so she ended it a month later. it hurt a bit, but i was adult about it and wanted to move on, but she wouldn't let me go and asked if we could be friends, i initially agreed, but felt uneasy about it and told her, but she kept engaging me, and started telling me i'm the man of her dreams and she wanted me back. to cut a long story short, because of that bonding process on fb and phone, i think she became attached to me and found it hard to lose me from her life. she always offered to be friends, when that failed she begged me to get back with her, but the r/s kept failing eachtime. so despite her nasty behaviour, it might have been that she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend, and was afraid of being alone. Perhaps.
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« Reply #33 on: October 14, 2011, 12:33:16 PM »

To add to my previous post, and at the risk of sounding egotistical, being friendzoned is a humiliating and emasculating experience, and i'd never dream of doing that to an ex. once it's over, i believe you should move on. i couldn't have an ex in the friendzone and have them go through the pain of seeing me with a new woman. and nor would i like to experience it either. my ex would have been just fine to subject me to this (as she wasted no time in trying to do first time i got friendzoned), but if the boot was on the other foot, i know she would have went insane.
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Noise

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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2013, 07:02:24 AM »

Maybe its my own narcissism but I thought my ex would never be able to cope without me (I always took care of her and the kids). So that's what I usually said when she took me for granted.

Little did I know that when I could not take it anymore she already had someone waiting.

The reason why I am so confused is that I thought I was the one that did everything to "save" her and just was discarded a month before it ended. The new guy is doing exactly the same and sometimes I am jealous because I am the saving type and tried everything to save her. I have the angst that he WILL be able to save her and I never could.

Is this strange? Next to that he is already integrated in her home and my kids which is the most hard thing to see "happy" family a month after I moved out. Can someone please tell me why? Was she done with me long before it ended? Or how does that work?

I keep blaming myself that it ended (I also got that from my ex because "I" was always  grumpy and moody at the end).

Look forward to your feedback.


Thanks 

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