Hi love42910,
I signed up for this site in the hopes that he could benefit from it. He is really hurting and is so shut down that he refuses to seek help for himself. I feel that if he understands BPD, it will help the healing process. Now I need advice on how to get him to open up and fix things, rather than burying them deep inside.
I see by your previous posts that you are here because your partner "refuses to seek help." Perhaps you are an overly responsible person, but something has to be said. What goes on between your boyfriend and his wife is not your battle to win or lose. Your battle is how to stop yourself from rescuing him and feeling persecuted and victimized by her.
You came to this site in the hopes that he will benefit, but if you are to be truthful- this will benefit you as well. You want him to be a "fixer." But this is a man who "refuses to seek help." Shouldn't that be a red flag?
You did say that he and she have been separated for two years now and you've been dating for a year and a half. Those six months didn't give him much time to sort things out from the blow-up of his marriage before he started dating again.|> When you met him, was he acting like a victim? |> :)id he tell you that you are a competent and capable woman- in contrast to his ex-wife? |> :)id he tell you he needs you to help him?
This really places you into a starting gate position of a rescuer on the drama triangle and lends an atmosphere where you might be caught in a merry go round of dysfunction with three people. In fact, this dysfunction triangle might be all you've ever known in your relationship and it gives you an idea about how you got here. Hidden in this drama are some secrets about yourself.
Do some reading on triangulation
(read definition) and see how your rescuing places you in a position that allows for some very damaging drama to move around and around as you rush to rescue while victimizing yourself. In turn, you challenge his ex-wife as you both persecute each other while he plays the eternal victim and "refuses to seek help."
A Man who refuses to seek help concerning drama may not have planned to fail but he clearly is failing to plan when it comes to providing a stable support network for his Son. Rather than address the issue of his child's future custody- (according to you in another post)- he's left the outcome in the hands of his ex-wife who is now being sued for custody by her own Mother.
You claim to not know anything about this because you cannot communicate and get answers- but certainly your boyfriend can- he just doesn't seem to want to get too involved. The parental follow through here is lacking -and you've managed to look the other way about his issues *and* take double responsibility for fixing them.
That makes it seem as though you're doing all the worry and most of the work while he "refuses to seek help." |>
For the most part, your *real challenge* is in stepping away from the drama and letting go of the outcome. This is your boyfriends business. It's his mess. Let him take care of it, reevaluate what he can do and step up to the task of getting free from the drama as well. Then and maybe then should he be able to have a peaceful and quiet relationship with you. The only way to win in a triangle is not to play and everyone must take responsibility for their own self.
Take a look at this link and realize your starting gate position:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0
