Dating Sites?

[fatalbyte]

I have seen some posts where members said within (a short amount of time) their exBPD was on dating sites. How did you find that out? I'm curious (i know i know)

[FindingMe2011]

Cyber stalking, or signing up themselves, them for abandonment issues. Us for codependency issues.  PEACE

[2010]

fatalbyte,    Hi!

Are you searching for evidence of disloyalty in order to understand the false attachment of BPD? Let's talk about that.

Borderlines are people who dont feel whole without others to attach to. They mirror others who can provide them with a distinct force. That force is usually from a projected identification that you give off. Sort of esteemed in your mind, if you are projecting correctly for valuation. Unfortunately, that esteem isn't felt by the Borderline, because they are part time people- and being part time makes them very aware of their valuation in mirroring others and failings to do this perfectly- which creates anxiety and shame. When the mirroring cannot continue because it's false, their anxiety becomes so great that they must withdraw in order to protect themselves. This is when you are split into bad.

Googling and searching for evidence that your former partner *needs* to be attached to someone as they withdraw from you (in order to find valuation and good in others and therefore in themself)- is the first speedbump of knowledge that tells you that you're dealing with a cluster B personality disorder. That evidence may also traumatize you- as you have to reframe your own relationship within those parameters of special/not special. In other words, you need to understand that this wasn't due to your failure to be who you are- it was just another person's false mirroring of you. The relationship was actually a movement toward you as a rewarding human and then away from you in withdrawal in the chaos part of the disorder.

The denial of this process is overcome by anger- so be aware that if you do find proof that your Ex is already on a dating site- the anger is normal. What isn't going to help you is bargaining with the behavior- and that comes after the anger subsides.  Eventually if you come through the anger, you'll stop bargaining and you will reach sadness and that's a healthier path to move through as it relies solely on your own inner compass rather than the actions/reactions of others.

The eventual acceptance of the disorder will allow you to grieve and then heal- providing you with a path to a better life.  Right now, just take care of yourself and try not to reengage in anger. That only prolongs the process of healing as you seek out trauma.

Take care and good luck. It will get better, I promise.  

[susanleona]

He posted it on Facebook.  It was the knife in my back.

[Weird Fishes]

I have to admit I'm curious too.   Would love to see my boyfriend's insane ex's dating profile!  PROBS NOT MENTIONED:  4 packs of cigs a day, ten years shaved off actual age, pathological lying, never, ever shutting the hell up... .

Yeah, I'm a bad person.

[justMehere]

there was another thread on here once where people wrote the "real" personals ads descriptions for our ex'es!

Joking aside, I found a few my ex had (personals, that is) that used all of the words he used to describe me. I knew he'd be on personals because that is how we met. I went looking for them as he was recycling me.

[Loveofhislife]

Yet another brilliant post from 2010 regarding what happens to us nons when we see our pwBPD on these sites--looking so different. We are whiplashed. I know I was. But he was wearing all clothes I had purchased for him at very memorable vacation destinations. I didn't even know we were broken up when I found him on dating sites. I was shocked. But I felt like I was staring at my mirror--it was a huge dose of reality. One that I needed. One that I believe was presented to me when I was ready to see it. "When the student is ready, a teacher will appear." I get it. Now I can see it. It is helping me sail out of the FOG.

Thanks Peiper!

[peiper]

Yet another brilliant post from 2010 regarding what happens to us nons when we see our pwBPD on these sites--looking so different. We are whiplashed. I know I was. But he was wearing all clothes I had purchased for him at very memorable vacation destinations. I didn't even know we were broken up when I found him on dating sites. I was shocked. But I felt like I was staring at my mirror--it was a huge dose of reality. One that I needed. One that I believe was presented to me when I was ready to see it. "When the student is ready, a teacher will appear." I get it. Now I can see it. It is helping me sail out of the FOG.

Thanks Peiper!

Your quite welcome Love, it helped me a lot when I read it last night ! Its oh so true.

[neverloveagain]

Was on match for a while after my ex left i was shocked how many gals on there had those hollow eyes and ghostly facial expressions. Maybee im paranoid but i can kinda see it in pics now the face never matches the eyes.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My exBPDgf actually accused me of being active on the dating site that we met on.  It was all projection - she was the one active on dating sites and that was how she met my replacement.  Charming.  Their wiring is all over the place.

[Take2]

I had a gut feeling mine was on one 3 years ago.  I borrowed a friend's log in and found him pretty easily.   When I confronted him, he predictably raged.  I never looked again choosing to believe that he deleted as claimed.   Foolish.   I am pretty certain he was on a different one the entire last 3 years.

[RedDove]

I didn't find out my exBPDbf was on a dating site until the final confrontation when I ended our encounter. I discovered his cheating due to a slip of paper on his coffee table, right out in the open with the OW's name and cell number. When confronted, he admitted he had met her on a dating site. He Dissociated and denied our 4 year relationship. Then tried to project by stating we "both" were looking for the loves of our life's. Unbelievable! Gee, had I known I was single, I would have been dating!

Recently my ex BPDbf broke NC on a dating site I joined. He sent me a message that clearly showed he dissociated and suffers from BPD. It was overly friendly, idealization and a recycle attempt. I also beleive it's the same dating site he met the OW on and I'm sure many other women. Like 2010's explanation said, they always need an attachment to survive!

I sent a message back and threw the idealization back in his face. He said my pics were absolutely gorgeous. My response was, Thanks. I do look gorgeous don't I! My inbox is full. Gotta go... .Buh bye! Two days later his dating Profile was deleted. The Profile mirrored my traits (patient, kind, caring, understanding... .LOL!), as well as seeming to bash the current OW. She must have dogs that she paid more attention to than him. The Profile went on and on about him liking dogs, but not liking animal hoarders... .so if your pets total more then 2 or weigh more than 200#'s we are not the right fit, etc. It screamed crazy person! I got a good laugh over his Profile. However, keep in mind I'm at 4 months post encounter.

To answer your question, if you go to any dating site such as Match or POF, you can search for free. You just do a broad search, example, Male, 49-50, within the mileage (25 miles) they live to you and your zip code. Leave all other search criteria blank. You'll get pages of results. But, if the ex posted a photo (most of them do), you should be able to find them. If not, maybe someone's else will catch your eye!

[vortex of confusion]

I am still with my husband but I knew that he went on a bunch of different sites because 1) he would proudly tell me about the ads that he was posting. We were supposedly in an open relationship. After being married 15 years, he wanted to change all of the rules. Whether or not we were in an open relationship depended largely on whether or not he could find girls to talk to. One day he would tell me about his ads and the next day he would get mad and say he took them all down. I didn't know which way was up. Because I knew which sites he went on, it was pretty easy to find his ads.

Oh, and I most certainly went snooping. Not proud of it but I snooped. He would snoop on me so I would snoop on him. It was a big huge mess.

[hurting300]

fatalbyte,    Hi!

Are you searching for evidence of disloyalty in order to understand the false attachment of BPD? Let's talk about that.

Borderlines are people who dont feel whole without others to attach to. They mirror others who can provide them with a distinct force. That force is usually from a projected identification that you give off. Sort of esteemed in your mind, if you are projecting correctly for valuation. Unfortunately, that esteem isn't felt by the Borderline, because they are part time people- and being part time makes them very aware of their valuation in mirroring others and failings to do this perfectly- which creates anxiety and shame. When the mirroring cannot continue because it's false, their anxiety becomes so great that they must withdraw in order to protect themselves. This is when you are split into bad.

Googling and searching for evidence that your former partner *needs* to be attached to someone as they withdraw from you (in order to find valuation and good in others and therefore in themself)- is the first speedbump of knowledge that tells you that you're dealing with a cluster B personality disorder. That evidence may also traumatize you- as you have to reframe your own relationship within those parameters of special/not special. In other words, you need to understand that this wasn't due to your failure to be who you are- it was just another person's false mirroring of you. The relationship was actually a movement toward you as a rewarding human and then away from you in withdrawal in the chaos part of the disorder.

The denial of this process is overcome by anger- so be aware that if you do find proof that your Ex is already on a dating site- the anger is normal. What isn't going to help you is bargaining with the behavior- and that comes after the anger subsides.  Eventually if you come through the anger, you'll stop bargaining and you will reach sadness and that's a healthier path to move through as it relies solely on your own inner compass rather than the actions/reactions of others.

The eventual acceptance of the disorder will allow you to grieve and then heal- providing you with a path to a better life.  Right now, just take care of yourself and try not to reengage in anger. That only prolongs the process of healing as you seek out trauma.

Take care and good luck. It will get better, I promise.  

I really wish you would look at my story and tell me what you think.