I am human

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I did what I shouldn't have.

I was feeling so strong.  5 months no contact, at least 3 months without a fb peek... .

I ran a 5k today... .and I won.  Last week I ran a 5k and ran fifth.  I'm in shape, getting stronger mentally and physically... .but today I failed.  I am human... .

I looked at her fb page... .which all I can see is her profile pic.  Yes, it was her and my replacement.  It hurt... .a lot.  She looks REALLY, REALLY thin.  Her neck, her posture, etc... .THIN.  She was 123 or so when she was with me working out every single day... .now she is easily under 115 and looks so thin.  And the replacement, imagine THIS... .he is really, really thin.  I am also a thin guy but I look like the Hulk compared to this guy and again, I'm thin.  I am sick it is THAT easy for her to move on.  I really loved her... .how did she do this so easily.  What does her ex husband think?  He has to be sick also... .she used us... .she moved on in an instant... .I guess the new guy is the greatest... .and I suck for taking a peek... .but I am human.  

[shocked]

I did what I shouldn't have.

I was feeling so strong.  5 months no contact, at least 3 months without a fb peek... .

I ran a 5k today... .and I won.  Last week I ran a 5k and ran fifth.  I'm in shape, getting stronger mentally and physically... .but today I failed.  I am human... .

I looked at her fb page... .which all I can see is her profile pic.  Yes, it was her and my replacement.  It hurt... .a lot.  She looks REALLY, REALLY thin.  Her neck, her posture, etc... .THIN.  She was 123 or so when she was with me working out every single day... .now she is easily under 115 and looks so thin.  And the replacement, imagine THIS... .he is really, really thin.  I am also a thin guy but I look like the Hulk compared to this guy and again, I'm thin.  I am sick it is THAT easy for her to move on.  I really loved her... .how did she do this so easily.  What does her ex husband think?  He has to be sick also... .she used us... .she moved on in an instant... .I guess the new guy is the greatest... .and I suck for taking a peek... .but I am human.  

[once removed]

you are human. you're repeating that. keep doing so.

not only are you human, but you've been subjected to... .well, having your world turned upside down.

i struggled with this pretty hard. especially in the early days, it was so hard to resist checking. and knowing that there was this source of information within my reach that would just kill me, somehow manifested into some masochistic urge. like you, i couldn't see anything but the profile picture. and i wouldn't even check her facebook, i'd just type in a few letters to see if she'd changed the picture. every time i had, it shook me just knowing that she was alive, and out there.

i finally did the indepth peek, accidentally, while on ambien. fortunately that didn't hurt much. honestly i've never been jealous of the new guy, and saw her jump to him as desperate.

and that's what it is. see it that way. presumably, you know the nature of this disorder. she didn't "move on", she desperately latched on. its not about you, and its not about him. she didn't do it easily. she did it, basically out of survival instinct. from my experience the new guy is usually a step down, so dont bother comparing yourself to him. it's not about you. it's not about him. you're dealing with a disordered person, not a normal person who just jumps to a relationship and forgets you. those are not normal actions.

what helped end the urge to peek for me was simply writing down all the things about her that disgusted me and that i couldn't stand. it wasn't a list, it wound up being a sort of letter to myself. i just conjured up moment after moment, and felt it. by the end of it, she was permanently off the pedestal, and that urge to look doesn't exist anymore. it was replaced with disdain. i really encourage it. i was apprehensive and slow to do it because i could already name no shortage of flaws and things about her then that i hated. then again i was obsessing over what she was up to, when i used to be thrilled when she was busy or with friends because she was out of my hair. but writing it really conjured those feelings and made them reality. i strongly encourage you to try it.

hang in there. you won a marathon today. this is just a longer one. just a pitstop for some water. you'll catch up.

ps. i was gonna mention im 9 months out, but i recently accidentally saw her profile picture (i never did block her) and it definitely shook me. nothing like it used to, but it triggered obsessive thoughts for a day or two. this really is a marathon.

[nparade]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. That is, I don't want anyone else to feel bad just so I can feel better, but it feels good to not feel alone in these thoughts.  One of my best friends mentioned in passing on the phone that my ex walked into a bar he was at, made eye contact with him and then spun around and left.  I was in shock at the thought of it.  I play music in a band, and she has told me she hates bars, that "people are only there for one thing", and hearing the status report and remembering hearing those feelings from her twisted me up big time.  My ex doesn't have facebook, because she doesn't have any friends.  I'm not saying that to be mean, it's just fact.  But she has two kids, that in five years I developed a very strong attachment to, and one has facebook that is on my friend list.  I got to see one of the kids fall in love for the first time before me and the ex broke up.  The kid is me at that age.  I take some solace in that.  As weak and worn down as I was, I still think that I was there and solid just long enough, that some good part of me became a bit of a role model.  I love that thought.  I always feel like I'm hijacking someone else's pain when I write something like this.  But I'm just trying to say that I did and do it too, and that one little thing I mentioned makes me feel better. 

[2010]

I suck for taking a peek... .but I am human.

I think you needed to take a peek. That's when you discover that Borderlines are chameleons, they change according to their attachments. Your projection of good onto them is really what you identify as good. That's no longer what she's mirroring now. She's now mirroring someone elses concept of good.

Once you "face the facts" about BPD, you'll see that this wasn't really about sharing your life with another whole person that had their own ideas and identity outside of you. It was about the fantasy of a part time person that felt whole by mirroring you; a person that enthusiastically walked hand in hand with you because of what you felt and what they mirrored back to you for value.

You'll need to grieve that former image of her and let "her" go now that you've seen her chameleon like change. That woman you knew, she was never really an authentic person anyway... .she was only a mirror for what you wanted.

When she went away, she took that dream of fused identity and smashed it - yet, your fantasy still remains of her-that woman-the identity whom you loved and hope will return- because it's your dream identity after all and it's barely faded from your psyche. The memory of a perfect identity to share your life can haunt you for a long time. But it wasn't real.

Borderlines are chameleons for a reason and that reason is to attach. Their attachment creates anxiety for them due to not having an idea of individuality without slavery involved. Give yourself time to let that sink in and let the fantasy fade that this woman has changed now and attached to someone else- because she has to in order to feel good about herself. Identity disturbance is a key factor in BPD. Reality emerges when you see the changes that occur with the new partner.  The only way to do this and reach acceptance is to peek at her profile, where you'll find that this woman that you once knew looks so different now, and it's almost as though you don't recognize her. That's BPD.

[htl67]

Their attachment creates anxiety for them due to not having an idea of individuality without slavery involved.

Ooohhhh... .interesting comment. I would love for you expand on this if you could?

htl67

[once removed]

i agree with 2010. despite the advice not to peek, to some, it can be genuinely helpful to see the freak show. that was the case for me right before i learned about BPD. it was about a month out, and she'd stolen from me, and i kinda needed to confirm her whereabouts. i was shocked. "chameleon" was precisely the word that my mother and i kept using, so when i did learn about BPD not long after, it all made sense. there was such a major wardrobe and personality change. and all of her friends noticed too. seeing this genuinely turned me off of her. it was hard to be upset seeing what i saw, as it was pathetic and transparent. what still grates on my nerves is that a fair amount of the identity she's projecting, is what she took from me.

this just illustrates how everyone has to go down their own path, and sometimes bend or break the rules. expose yourself a bit to the freak in the freak show, and you'll question what you ever saw in this person.

[Phaedrus]

I ran a 5k today... .and I won.

Congratulations!

[stillbreathing]

I didn't have to "peek" as me and my exgfwBPD continued to live together for 4 weeks post breakup as she searched for a place to live. The change was right before my eyes in my own house. It really confused me at first (I was gaslighted for quite some time) but eventually helped me to understand the reality of what had happened.