Could writing down a "Stay Away From Me" letter help or hurt?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am thinking of writing a letter to hand to her when we meet for her to give my son some xmas gifts. Since TALKING rarely goes well and she never remembers what I said anyways I was thinking of writing it out in clear terms.

I want to tell her that I forbid her from calling me, texting me, showing up at my door or in any way coming near me from here on, forever. Our S17 is about to turn 18 in 3 months so she really has NO reason to talk to me, if she wants to talk to our son about getting together she can contact him directly and he can go meet her somewhere far from my house as far as I am concerned.

My reason for this is that I am about to move in with my fiancée and she is very concerned about BPDxW knowing where we live and showing up there or in some way harassing us since that would now effect HER as well as me.

I did contact the Sheriff and there is no way to get a restraining order against her since there is no history of violence, which sucks, I guess it's ok for her to steal from and harass me as long as she doesn't try to hit me?

[MuGGzy]

I am thinking of writing a letter to hand to her when we meet for her to give my son some xmas gifts. Since TALKING rarely goes well and she never remembers what I said anyways I was thinking of writing it out in clear terms.

I want to tell her that I forbid her from calling me, texting me, showing up at my door or in any way coming near me from here on, forever. Our S17 is about to turn 18 in 3 months so she really has NO reason to talk to me, if she wants to talk to our son about getting together she can contact him directly and he can go meet her somewhere far from my house as far as I am concerned.

My reason for this is that I am about to move in with my fiancée and she is very concerned about BPDxW knowing where we live and showing up there or in some way harassing us since that would now effect HER as well as me.

I did contact the Sheriff and there is no way to get a restraining order against her since there is no history of violence, which sucks, I guess it's ok for her to steal from and harass me as long as she doesn't try to hit me?

[newworld]

Is your son still in high school?

[ItsAboutTime]

Most certainly write that letter, and keep a copy of it for yourself. Send it via certified mail so she has to sign for it when she gets it.  If legal proceedings become necessary in the future to prohibit her contacting you, this letter will help any judge issue a restraining order.

[MuGGzy]

yes son is 17, will be 18 in 3 months. He doesn't want to talk to her either and IMHO if she wants to make plans to see him she should be able to deal directly with him, I should no longer have anything to do with their plans. She should not even be allowed to know where we live or to come to our residence now that she has proven multiple times that she cannot be trusted.

[MuGGzy]

I have written it and I am finally dropping all my bombs. For years I have let her tell me her lies and in the interest of "not stirring her up" I just nod and pretend I believe her but I am done. I am telling her point by point everything she has done to me and our son and how I know what she has done and the effect these things (like defrauding welfare and almost getting me garnished) have had on our son and I. I am telling her I know she has never had cancer and that I have the insurance claims to prove it, that I know she is still a criminal pill popping loser junkie. I am telling her every time she attempts to contact me I will call the police and press charges for harassment. I see  no reason to spare her feelings or "play nice" anymore, all she does is lie, steal, and screw me over time and time again.

I have to admit that I am a little nervous about "pushing her over the edge" but I am sick of playing HER game by HER rules when she has no regard for my "rules" or boundaries. I am going to call her out on every single thing I know about and tell her that our son knows about most of it too and NEITHER of us want anything to do with her anymore.

I know it sounds "wrong" but if she goes and robs a bank or commits suicide I don't care, her social security benefits will support our son better than she ever did when she was alive. I would rather him deal with mourning ONCE than him getting all depressed and emotional every 2-3 months when she decides to show up and pretend to me Mother of the Year only to vanish again the next day.

[FindingMe2011]

I have written it and I am finally dropping all my bombs. For years I have let her tell me her lies and in the interest of "not stirring her up" I just nod and pretend I believe her but I am done. I am telling her point by point everything she has done to me and our son and how I know what she has done and the effect these things (like defrauding welfare and almost getting me garnished) have had on our son and I. I am telling her I know she has never had cancer and that I have the insurance claims to prove it, that I know she is still a criminal pill popping loser junkie. I am telling her every time she attempts to contact me I will call the police and press charges for harassment. I see  no reason to spare her feelings or "play nice" anymore, all she does is lie, steal, and screw me over time and time again.

I have to admit that I am a little nervous about "pushing her over the edge" but I am sick of playing HER game by HER rules when she has no regard for my "rules" or boundaries. I am going to call her out on every single thing I know about and tell her that our son knows about most of it too and NEITHER of us want anything to do with her anymore.

I know it sounds "wrong" but if she goes and robs a bank or commits suicide I don't care, her social security benefits will support our son better than she ever did when she was alive. I would rather him deal with mourning ONCE than him getting all depressed and emotional every 2-3 months when she decides to show up and pretend to me Mother of the Year only to vanish again the next day.

  I suggest writing the letter and not sending it. You have no right to envolve your sons name in any of this. If he wishes to tell her anything, he is an adult and can do this for himself. I did this alot McGuzzy ( well 5-6 times) through emails. Although none mentioned my kids. This would make them more of a target than they already are. It would also ensure that they never spoke to me about things, knowing it was going to get back to thier mother, and have consequences. It wasnt until the last one I sent, that really stopped all the ridiculous emails, texts... It was one that I admitted my part, and role, and told her I could never have a r/s with her unless we could have an honest discussion, clear the air, and then possibly move forward. There was no blaming, harsh words ect.,. She fed her ego with all the other conversations, true to BPD form. This one somehow forced her to look at herself. She became as dysregulated, as I had ever seen her. She even showed up unannounced, to my home, which I had the police remove her. I guess I needed to drop all the bombs, as you say, to get to where I am today.


I want to tell her that I forbid her from calling me, texting me, showing up at my door or in any way coming near me from here on, forever. Our S17 is about to turn 18 in 3 months so she really has NO reason to talk to me, if she wants to talk to our son about getting together she can contact him directly and he can go meet her somewhere far from my house as far as I am concerned

This is the approach to this situation, you should have. Nobody stuck a gun to your head, when you got together with her. You were 50% of the problem. You still have TONS of anger, YOU need to deal with. JMHO, but your baggage, in some way or fashion is going to damage your new r/s. Your own words only prove this.

My reason for this is that I am about to move in with my fiancée and she is very concerned about BPDxW knowing where we live and showing up there or in some way harassing us since that would now effect HER as well as me.

Whether you realize this or not. This woman still has some power /control over you. This is your issue, she only exposes this. You are concerned with something that MAY happen in the future, and are afraid of what it might bring, to the point of trying to get a restraining order. Your post show you jumping from the past to the future. What about the NOW.   When she crosses a boundary, PEACEFULLY, tell her or write her, this behavior is no longer accepted ( this will happen, its the behavior YOU ACCEPTED, for however long. So now all of the sudden you want to change the rules. This is good for you, but how you send this message, is not only going to effect you, but your son, your fiance, and your ex. think about it ) I think some how your going to end up feeling torn, by sending her a nasty letter. Not only that but sending a bashing letter and having it certified, will not help your cause in the future, as far as the law is concerned. Not to mention, I have learned the more I deal with my fears, the less I fear.  PEACE

[2010]

NEITHER of us want anything to do with her anymore.

If you don't want anything to do with her anymore then just ignore her. Actions speak louder than words.

[MuGGzy]

damn straight I have anger towards her, she came and stole a debit card from my son 4 days before xmas and drained and then over drafted BOTH my checking accounts leaving me dead broke through the holiday and unable to get the money back until after the 1st of the year.

I understand and agree that I probably shouldn't mention him but I have tried ignoring her, that only lasts for a while and then the next time she decides she has an emergency that is important to HER she calls, texts, or shows up at my front door or at my work. So I am wanting a clear and definitive message to her that "I know what you have done, you haven't fooled anyone, you are a liar and a thief, I set you up for the police officer that is walking up behind your car RIGHT NOW to arrest you, and NEVER EVER EVER contact me again or I will have you arrested AGAIN". 

[newworld]

yes son is 17, will be 18 in 3 months. He doesn't want to talk to her either and IMHO if she wants to make plans to see him she should be able to deal directly with him, I should no longer have anything to do with their plans. She should not even be allowed to know where we live or to come to our residence now that she has proven multiple times that she cannot be trusted.

So your son is still in high school?

well, despite your anger, you two are legally the parents of a minor child for the next three months.  Can you just stick it out for those three months and not send any letters and let son make his plans with his mother?

[newworld]

I have written it and I am finally dropping all my bombs. For years I have let her tell me her lies and in the interest of "not stirring her up" I just nod and pretend I believe her but I am done. I am telling her point by point everything she has done to me and our son and how I know what she has done and the effect these things (like defrauding welfare and almost getting me garnished) have had on our son and I. I am telling her I know she has never had cancer and that I have the insurance claims to prove it, that I know she is still a criminal pill popping loser junkie. I am telling her every time she attempts to contact me I will call the police and press charges for harassment. I see  no reason to spare her feelings or "play nice" anymore, all she does is lie, steal, and screw me over time and time again.

I have to admit that I am a little nervous about "pushing her over the edge" but I am sick of playing HER game by HER rules when she has no regard for my "rules" or boundaries. I am going to call her out on every single thing I know about and tell her that our son knows about most of it too and NEITHER of us want anything to do with her anymore.

I know it sounds "wrong" but if she goes and robs a bank or commits suicide I don't care, her social security benefits will support our son better than she ever did when she was alive. I would rather him deal with mourning ONCE than him getting all depressed and emotional every 2-3 months when she decides to show up and pretend to me Mother of the Year only to vanish again the next day.

  I suggest writing the letter and not sending it. You have no right to envolve your sons name in any of this. If he wishes to tell her anything, he is an adult and can do this for himself. I did this alot McGuzzy ( well 5-6 times) through emails. Although none mentioned my kids. This would make them more of a target than they already are. It would also ensure that they never spoke to me about things, knowing it was going to get back to thier mother, and have consequences. It wasnt until the last one I sent, that really stopped all the ridiculous emails, texts... It was one that I admitted my part, and role, and told her I could never have a r/s with her unless we could have an honest discussion, clear the air, and then possibly move forward. There was no blaming, harsh words ect.,. She fed her ego with all the other conversations, true to BPD form. This one somehow forced her to look at herself. She became as dysregulated, as I had ever seen her. She even showed up unannounced, to my home, which I had the police remove her. I guess I needed to drop all the bombs, as you say, to get to where I am today.


I want to tell her that I forbid her from calling me, texting me, showing up at my door or in any way coming near me from here on, forever. Our S17 is about to turn 18 in 3 months so she really has NO reason to talk to me, if she wants to talk to our son about getting together she can contact him directly and he can go meet her somewhere far from my house as far as I am concerned

This is the approach to this situation, you should have. Nobody stuck a gun to your head, when you got together with her. You were 50% of the problem. You still have TONS of anger, YOU need to deal with. JMHO, but your baggage, in some way or fashion is going to damage your new r/s. Your own words only prove this.

My reason for this is that I am about to move in with my fiancée and she is very concerned about BPDxW knowing where we live and showing up there or in some way harassing us since that would now effect HER as well as me.

Whether you realize this or not. This woman still has some power /control over you. This is your issue, she only exposes this. You are concerned with something that MAY happen in the future, and are afraid of what it might bring, to the point of trying to get a restraining order. Your post show you jumping from the past to the future. What about the NOW... .When she crosses a boundary, PEACEFULLY, tell her or write her, this behavior is no longer accepted ( this will happen, its the behavior YOU ACCEPTED, for however long. So now all of the sudden you want to change the rules. This is good for you, but how you send this message, is not only going to effect you, but your son, your fiance, and your ex. think about it ) I think some how your going to end up feeling torn, by sending her a nasty letter. Not only that but sending a bashing letter and having it certified, will not help your cause in the future, as far as the law is concerned. Not to mention, I have learned the more I deal with my fears, the less I fear... .PEACE

Peace brother

[redberry]

She stole money from your account?  Call the police right now and have her prosecuted.  That will take care of things.  She is a thief!

[Beach_Babe]

I agree with redberry... .they absolutely need to be held accountable for their actions.   

[awesomenessdefined]

It never works, the only solution is strict NC, the more you stay in contact (any contact) the worse it gets. Mine left a voice mail seven months after our breakup, I deleted it wothout even listening to it, a month later she text, I filled charges, she got a visit from local law enforcement. No response of any kind no matter what they say or do sends it's very own special message to them.

[Suzn]

  I agree wholeheartedly with findingme... .first of all you are acting to apease another woman and with anger. How in the heck did your ex get her hands on your debit card? If you havent reported this theft then you ARE part of the problem. All of your wishes are within your grasp... .dont tell the ex where you're moving, change all of your phone numbers... you have the power to protect yourself and your future. She will ALWAYS be the mother of your son and the sad, terrible truth is he has lost his mom so to speak. That has to be very painful for him. Be the adult for him and your fiance has to be willing to be supportive instead of demanding here. Educate her on this, its a mental illness... .if the ex gets out of line then do something about it. Im thinkin if you press charges on her theft that she will get the message that you will not put up with criminal behavior from her. Take a breath and step back... .YOU are playing a role in this.

[kj1234]

damn straight I have anger towards her, she came and stole a debit card from my son 4 days before xmas and drained and then over drafted BOTH my checking accounts leaving me dead broke through the holiday and unable to get the money back until after the 1st of the year.

I understand and agree that I probably shouldn't mention him but I have tried ignoring her, that only lasts for a while and then the next time she decides she has an emergency that is important to HER she calls, texts, or shows up at my front door or at my work. So I am wanting a clear and definitive message to her that "I know what you have done, you haven't fooled anyone, you are a liar and a thief, I set you up for the police officer that is walking up behind your car RIGHT NOW to arrest you, and NEVER EVER EVER contact me again or I will have you arrested AGAIN". 

How did she get the debit card?  Did you allow her in your home or was it some other place?  It seems you should be able to keep her out of your home without a lot of drama.

[MuGGzy]

well it was all a moot point, she never showed up, but she did manage to do everything she could to destroy my son's holiday weekend.

See my post in the parents thread about "She ruined Xmas" for the gory details.

She came in under the premise of "can I use your bathroom, search the drawers and found my son's wallet which I let him have a debit card for emergencies, since I have always used various permutations of our birthdays for a PIN, she obviously guessed it and went shopping, or gave it to someone else to do the dirty work for her.

[kj1234]

Wow, that's pretty devious.  Reminded me of when I was thrown out of my home with a TRO and stbxw went through my things and took the list of phone numbers I had taken from her phone a couple of days prior.  I only did that for the first time two days before her departure because things were becoming so blatant.  I guess she was watching when I emptied my pockets before going to bed.  She must have gotten a real ego boost for having outsmarted me that way.  Trash.