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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Things to Remember  (Read 871 times)
Carri1
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« on: March 03, 2012, 09:22:20 AM »

I wanted to let you know the things to remember:

1.  BPD's search out the nice people and use their charm.  If you are nice, kind, considerate etc. it let's them know YOU are a good target and they zero in.

2.  When you know your BPD person is  with another... .it's because they are probably just like you.

It won't be any different for them either.  They've been "preyed" upon... .just as you were.  Pity them.

3.  BPD is a very serious Mental Illness... .don't ever forget this one... .charming or not.

4.  Can they have another chance?  YES!  Just not with you! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

5.  There should be a "sisterhood" of painting a big red x on their foreheads... .ok this is extreme!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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marbleloser
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1081


« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2012, 09:53:39 AM »

 I'll have to kindly disagree. Smiling (click to insert in post)

With someone that is Psychopath,I could see that.I could see them using someone from the very beginning of the RS to manipulate them.

With BPD however,the beginning of the RS isn't like that.They're attracted because they idealize the qualities of someone.They see them as better than they really are.We're all human,but to them,the SO is put on a pedestal.They can do no wrong.They want to be like them.They want to be them.

My exBPDgf NEVER did anything mean or bad to me personally.She wanted me happy and she wanted the best for me.I started believing that I deserved that too.That was MY issue.

We never got to the devaluation stage,so I can't speak for that.She made some mistakes that were beyond my boundaries,and I walked away basically.She tried to recycle,and it would have happened if I hadn't been aware of BPD.

I don't think they have sinister motives from the beginning.They see us as all white.It isn't until they see us as all black that we begin to question things and then we push back by seeing them as "evil".Sometimes it takes being painted black to see the other side of them,because we so badly want to believe the "all white" side of us too.

My exBPDgf has a really caring heart.She has some great qualities and is very smart.It's her disorder that gets in the way of her enjoying a fullfilling life.
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dah1029
AKA trauma1962
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 525



« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2012, 09:59:17 AM »

And we all love being idealized.  That pedestal was a big ego boost for me.  I think that's one of the reasons we're so devastated and trying to figure out what went wrong.  We want that phase back because it was great for us.  I loved being on that pedestal.  Maybe we're chasing them for selfish reasons.  We want to "figure them out and fix them" so they'll go back to meeting our ego needs.  It's devastating to realize that we were nothing special like we thought we were.  And our ego booster isn't coming back.
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marbleloser
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« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2012, 10:53:04 AM »

"And we all love being idealized.  That pedestal was a big ego boost for me."

Yes we do and it was for me too.I imagine those that got devalued have a very hard time dealing with that.If the one who saw you as so "perfect" now sees you as nothing but bad,that's a big shock to your ego.That's why we have to learn to see ourselves for what we are and be happy with that.We were putting too much weight into what someone else thought of us,both ways!

What hurt me was finding out things she had done.That made me doubt myself.Why would "I" be so great if someone who did things like that thought so? I saw myself as bad because she couldn't have seen me as good.The one I put so much love and trust in had another side.She must have been lying! Or so I thought anyway Smiling (click to insert in post)

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2010
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Posts: 808


« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2012, 11:22:14 AM »

And we all love being idealized.  That pedestal was a big ego boost for me.  I think that's one of the reasons we're so devastated and trying to figure out what went wrong.  We want that phase back because it was great for us.  I loved being on that pedestal.  Maybe we're chasing them for selfish reasons.  We want to "figure them out and fix them" so they'll go back to meeting our ego needs.  It's devastating to realize that we were nothing special like we thought we were.  And our ego booster isn't coming back.

Excellent post!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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dah1029
AKA trauma1962
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 525



« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2012, 01:02:56 PM »

In all honesty, I truly believe that I want my ex back to keep on boosting me.  I read somewhere how BPD's often hook up with narcissists.  Or BPD's and Codependents tend to create narcissists out of their partners.  I agree.  I don't think I have NPD but, I have to admit I thoroughly enjoyed the time when "everything was about me and my needs".  I'd be a liar to say that I don't want it back.  But I need to acknowledge all of this and not sabotage future relationships.  In the past with relationships, nothing was ever about me.  So this BPD relationship really was a great ego boost.  In all fairness to my ex, my part of our demise was narcissism that probably burned him out.  I've realized that but maybe I needed this fall to see my part of our downfall.  He definately had a PD and was abusing alcohol, but I'm no innocent party.   
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Inspirationneeded
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Posts: 270



« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2012, 01:12:52 PM »

And we all love being idealized.  That pedestal was a big ego boost for me.  I think that's one of the reasons we're so devastated and trying to figure out what went wrong.  We want that phase back because it was great for us.  I loved being on that pedestal.  Maybe we're chasing them for selfish reasons.  We want to "figure them out and fix them" so they'll go back to meeting our ego needs.  It's devastating to realize that we were nothing special like we thought we were.  And our ego booster isn't coming back.

Brilliant!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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tbone1689

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« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2012, 03:02:01 PM »

I agree, the attention and ego boost we're huge for me.  Just having someone care about you that much is hard to let go of.  I also identify with "wanting to be the one to fix them."  In most areas of my life I despise arrogance, so it was hard when I looked at myself and recognized that I believed that I understand her more than anyone else possibly could and will love her more.  This makes seeing my replacement and their happy relationship that much harder. 
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