Does The Controlled Become The Controller?

[Willingtolearn]

We all know that part of the pwBPD "Psyche" is to be able to control.  However when the NonBPD goes NC and maintains NC, then the pwBPD can become desperate to make contact.  Does this then turn the NonBPD into the controller by resisting to re-make contact?  Any thoughts on this?

[wrangler1217]

Yes and No... .its all about the motivation/intentions behind the NC.

For a while, I thought the behavior was just due to the girl being 25 and being young (ie, not knowing what she wants).  We broke up a few times during the 16 months we were together, and each time... .I would try and try to gain more insight on "reverse psychology" techniques and "how to get them back".  NC for 30 days was basically what each one of them said... .to give them a fair amount of time to miss you.  In that aspect, yes, NC was very controlling because the true motivation behind it was not solely for yourself.  Now, NC after a breakup where the motivation strictly lies within your healing and NO intention of getting them back is strictly on yourself, and therefore has no means of attempting to control the other person's behavoir.

I remember my T saying something about... .be honest with yourself about your motive behind everything you do.  The more you try to control through influence, coercion, manipulation, etc will take you further away from controling yourself and ultimately hinder self-healing.

[dah1029]

I'm just starting NC today.  I've tried in the past but have failed.  I talked to my T today.  I feel that I can't control the ex from trying to contact me, but I can work hard to control myself from responding.  Even if he texts in a few weeks with a simple question or comment, I need to not even respond with a thank you or anything else.  I need to let him think I changed my #.  We have nothing more to say to each other.  We have no kids, no shared property, no reason anymore to interact.  And I need to control myself and enforce that with myself regardless of what he does.

[2010]

We all know that part of the pwBPD "Psyche" is to be able to control.

No, the psyche is controlled by others. BPD is a persecution complex. Borderlines suffer from poor impulse control because of it.

However when the NonBPD goes NC and maintains NC, then the pwBPD can become desperate to make contact.  Does this then turn the NonBPD into the controller by resisting to re-make contact?

Yes. Push/Pull. The partner withdraws to protect their sense of self. The Borderline will blame. The only way out of the push/pull is to stop doing it and allow for the extinction burst of blame without the partner feeling guilty. Easier said than done, but it must be done. 

[wrangler1217]

dah,

A little mind-trick that works well for me is that, if they do try to contact you, convince yourself that they're about to tell you that they've moved on and have found someone else.  That way, its a lot easier to delete the messages before reading and ignore the calls.  It also helps you remember how many times they have hurt you.  Hang in there and remember, you can only control you.

[sm15000]

We all know that part of the pwBPD "Psyche" is to be able to control.  However when the NonBPD goes NC and maintains NC, then the pwBPD can become desperate to make contact.  Does this then turn the NonBPD into the controller by resisting to re-make contact?  Any thoughts on this?

Only if you go NC either to 'teach them a lesson' and are really holding out hoping that they will see the light and change their ways - as really NC is about you, detaching, healing, letting in reality, dealing with the hurt, protecting yourself etc etc because you know there is no more you can do.

I actually realise now that when i ended it, i couldn't see any future but part of me hoped he would put it right if he thought he was really going to lose me.  I thought our relationship was 'special'  .  

I went NC for 4 months - it was the most terrible time of my life - he contacted me, over 4/5 months i met him a few times - it felt like PTSD every time i did it.  But inside i was hoping he would say and do what i wanted him too but so i could carry the relationship on. . .but i don't see that as control - i just wanted an honest, adult conversation.  

We had a relationship for 13 years of our lives and when i opened Pandora's Box i found he had basically been both a serial emotional and physical cheater.  Because i had questions about this he spat "who was i to make the rules in this relationship".  Pure projection because he was the one who wanted to write the rules - his rules - and be in control.  I think he was terrified to have it any other way.

He can't be honest to save his life - it would open him up too much and i wasn't prepared to continue to enable him to hurt me anymore. . .to control you have to play games and i never wanted to play and don't intend to anymore  

[Belka]

I don't know if it's a right reason or not, but my main reason for staying in no-contact is because I think it's creepy that my ex friend keeps engaging me even though his current girlfriend hates me and thinks I'm trying to seduce her boyfriend. It's unfair to to her that he would do that, and while I can't control what he does (and I suspect her lack of trust is more about my ex friend than me, I'm just easier to blame for now) I can at least take myself out of involvement. Maybe he'll still triangulate, it just wont be with me.

[dah1029]

Thanks Wrangler.  The best is that I just went to our small town local restaurant.  And he was there with "someone".  I instantly felt nauseated.  I ignored them but I have to admit it's upsetting.  Just a hurdle I have to jump I guess.  Luckily I was there with the guy I'm now dating.  So I didn't feel like a complete loser.  I'm also happy to report that my ex is fatter than ever.  He's well over 300 lbs.  His belly is humongous and he's only 5'8".  That helped me feel a bit better.  My current "date" is in shape and 6'2".  I'm feeling out of sorts right now, but I won't contact. 

[yianks69]

The only way out of the push/pull is to stop doing it and allow for the extinction burst of blame without the partner feeling guilty.

2010, could you please elaborate a bit more on this? How can the extinction burst of blame be achieved, for example?