Professionals passing the buck again... sleepovers

[Matt]

A week before the hearing the GAL filed the report, then two days later ex's lawyer sought a continuance.  My lawyer didn't see any reason to oppose it

From:  FD

To:  FD's L

Re:  Continuances and other delays.

Do not agree to any continuance or delay without my written agreement.

I had to do this with my first attorney - hints and even clear verbal instructions didn't work.  He was more loyal to his fellow attorneys than to his client.  Putting it in writing seemed to work, though I fired him pretty soon after that, so I'm not sure if it ever really took.

You are the boss.  He works for you.  If you don't think a continuance is in your interest, and you have given him clear instructions to that effect, it is unethical for him to agree to it without your approval.  (Though if the request comes from the court - as opposed to the other party's attorney - you'd probably agree to it.)

[tog]

The pressure on SS13 is one reason why I wonder if continually going back to court is a good idea (not that it's been SO's idea, she's the one who keeps dragging it back in).  His grades went down in the last quarter and I'd love to know if it had to do with pressure from her in regard to the court date in January. She's on strict orders not to talk to him about the court date in April, but he's not stupid. He knows that going to see his GAL means court is looming, plus, I doubt she will be able to resist trying to influence him.

They have a judge who does not allow delays for any reason (except when the GAL went out of the country for a month for some family issue).

[ForeverDad]

Well, I just spoke with my lawyer's staff, and as I expected this was news to them too.  They hadn't received any notification of a motion for an in camera interview and it had been filed over a week ago.

[Matt]

Well, I just spoke with my lawyer's staff, and as I expected this was news to them too.  They hadn't received any notification of a motion for an in camera interview and it had been filed over a week ago.

Whose job was it to inform them?

Sometimes stuff like that is posted on the court's web site so the attorney has to check frequently or he won't know stuff.

[ForeverDad]

I was told they should have received notice.  Apparently ex's lawyer filed it.

[ForeverDad]

Hmm.  School called said, son didn't arrive at school and no parent called as required.  I said he's with her, call her.  I got a call back, she didn't answer.  I called, left message.  She bought him a phone a few months ago (passworded and told not to divulge it so I can't see it) so I called his number and left a message there too.

I'm guessing she may have gone to see her lawyer?  The hearing date is coming up.  I alerted my lawyer's office so they know but I don't know what they can do.

[Rose1]

How about a Police wellness check?

[Forward2free]

I am sorry to hear that you're in the midst of drama (again).

This may be a redundant question, but is there a way to lock down the communication further so that she can only contact you in writing? Receiving verbal abuse (or any verbal communication) is painful and unproductive to say the least. Furthermore, you don't get the opportunity to clear your head and regain focus if you are worried about what the next phone call will bring.

I am anxious that one of these days my intervention order will not be renewed and BPD/Nxh will have access to me again. I love being able to control my time and answer the phone without fear that it is him raging.

Is the school keeping a log of all communication received by ex including the manner in which it is delivered and the resulting action? It might help to have an official list that can be submitted in the future to prove that your ex cannot handle the shared parenting and is not emotionally able to share parental responsibility in school/medical/social etc interactions.

It might be time to put a location monitoring device in your son's school bag or shoe? You can get watches etc and it certainly creates peace of mind. I know that there may be some legal implications if you use the device to monitor/stalk, but for welfare circumstances... .  

[david]

Police wellness check sounds like a good idea. Go to the police station and tell them what is going on. They have to contact you when they find out what is going on. They may not tell you exactly what is going on but they will tell you if things look okay.

[ForeverDad]

Though she has had a smart phone with internet access for years, she has had MySpace and more recently Facebook accounts which I believe require email addresses, but in court she claims she doesn't have a computer.   So we do phone calls.  She has texted a few times recently but I don't text her back.  The problem is she uses it only when she wants to, there is no reciprocation.

There will be a pow wow in a few days, maybe some progress will be made.  Yeah.

[Matt]

Can you bring copies of her Facebook page and the other stuff to the meeting, to show that she has an e-mail address?  Then turn it around on her - she's been getting her way by digging in her heels, but now you can say, "This proves you have an e-mail and internet access, and I am done being bullied by you on the phone.  So now we will communicate by e-mail and no other method."  Not a request or a negotiation - a statement of what you will do.  Then let the others say whatever they will - it doesn't matter - you set your boundary and maintain it.

Shifting from phone (and worse yet face-to-face) to e-mail was a huge step forward for me and many others here.  I don't think you can disengage as long as you're making yourself routinely accessible to her by phone.  (But it's a much smaller problem if phone is only used in emergencies.)

[Forward2free]

Do you have a mailbox? Maybe, if she can't bring herself to using email or texting, she can send snail mail and overnight express post if it's semi urgent, and call a friend if really urgent, and if extremely urgent, call police and they'll contact you.

I have a feeling Matt's right and if you set the boundary, especially with an audience at the pow wow, it might be more effective too.

[Rose1]

Hi FD - did your son go to school today? Any idea what happened?

[ForeverDad]

Yes, he went to school Wednesday and I have him now.  He indicated Tuesday wasn't anything nefarious but doesn't want his mother to know I found out from him.

[david]

FD, My two boys (14 and 9) are afraid to tell me things too because they don't want their mom to find out they told me. They are afraid of the wrath.I realized this is a good thing because they have learned that they can trust me when they tell me something. This has come to include what is going on in school, mom's place, and with their friends. Mom knows nothing because they can't tell when she will get mad about something and explode.

[Rose1]

That's good. Although your instinct that she is likely to be planning something is probably correct. To quote someone we know "Be Aware"

[ForeverDad]

Just a brief update, will stick to generalities.  Maybe my state should be called the Molasses state?  Things have gotten sticky for sure.  I filed last summer.  The next hearing is scheduled for two days next summer, over a year after I filed for modification of parenting time.  :)elay onlys enables ex, she continues with equal time longer and continues getting child support longer too.

Ex's lawyer wants to change residential parent?  I'm legal custodian, currently with equal time but seeking majority time, so I am Residential Parent for School Purposes.  If that happens then I'd be custodial parent but not Residential Parent?  I guess she doesn't like driving 20+ miles each way to and from school once or twice a day two or three days each week?  Next year son goes to middle school with a earlier schedule and that will be even further away for both of us.

Ex's lawyer also filed when son was 10 years old, now 11, to have an in camera interview with the court.  This despite son already having a GAL.

On the bright side, GAL identified quite a number of ex's poor behaviors, nothing major about me.  So much for brightness, the rest was a mixed bag of dancing around the issues, minimal-action adjustments.

GAL recommended son resume counseling to cope with his situation, suggesting the (partly ineffectual) quasi-county agency that son had from age 3 to 9.  I say ineffectual because they never sought court action, always dealt with things the way they were, only contacting CPS when mother's allegations seemed to be echoed by son.  Other than that they focused on helping son to deal with problem parent and sometimes on ex to learn how to parent.

GAL also recommended ex get counseling to help her to learn to parent better.  If 6 years of taking child to counseling didn't help ex, what will more counseling do?

Apparently I'm only allowed to push one aspect of the issues?  I have a whole laundry list, but lawyer says best option is to seek changes based on his school progress or lack thereof.  Not sure why so limited.

GAL wants to change 2/2/5/5 schedule (she gets alternate weekend and the first half of the school week) to alternate weekends plus two afternoons & evenings during the week.  I'm going from memory, lawyer has the specific details.  So, effectively just removing 2-3 overnights, still no way for me to monitor or help with homework on those days.  I see this as impractical and cumbersome with added exchanges (conflict risks).

Then, as though the only issues were school-based, GAL wants summers to continue with equal time according to current schedule except that mother would get an extra week during the summer to make up for lost time during the school year.

This is a county where the standard published 'guideline' schedule is for the custodial parent to have by far the majority time by default.  If that's the default for people expected to be reasonably normal, why is it so hard for me when the ex has obstructed my parenting numerous times, presented so many problems with ex's own parenting and the apparent long term effect on son's progress?

[Matt]

So... .  in your own view - not your attorney's or the GAL's, but your own view, as the most involved, most committed, most knowledgeable and most mentally-healthy adult involved - what would be the best situation for your son?

For example - I don't think summers are as important as the school year, but how many days or weeks for each parent during the summer would be best?

And more importantly, what schedule during the school year would be best, and why?

My suggestion would be for you to step up - take the lead - be very strong and clear - put forward what you think will be the best outcome for your son, and why.

Maybe start with bullet points:

* During the school year, EOW plus one weeknight dinner for mom.  Her weekends from 6:00 p.m. Friday to 6:00 p.m. Sunday.  This will be best for Son because blah blah blah.

* Father to be primary residential parent.  This is best for Son because blah blah blah.

* Mother to have a complete psych eval including objective testing such as the MMPI-2, with diagnosis to be disclosed to the court and to both parties.  Then Mother should follow the recommended treatment plan, with her caregiver reporting quarterly to the court.  This is best for son because... .  

Emphasis on the fact that Mother is mentally ill, and this causes her to behave in ways that are not good for Son, and this behavior will continue until she is fully diagnosed and treated.  And this puts Son at significant risk of psychological damage over time - there is a ton of evidence for this - it is a medical fact.

When you have these bullets clear - what you believe is best - then enlist your attorney to decide the best way to present them to the court - file a motion accordingly.  Cite the GAL's report - specific things that support your proposal, and where she does not go as far as you think wise, discuss that in your motion - "GAL recommends X.  We are asking for Y, because blah blah blah."  Make your case - it's  a very strong one!

What I'm saying is, don't ask your attorney what the outcome should be - how should he know?  He's not Son's father!  Tell your attorney what outcome you think is best, and why, and ask his help in making that case very strongly and clearly.

You may not get what you ask for, but you certainly won't get what you don't ask for.

We're often told that the neutral professional - CE or GAL or whoever - makes these decisions, and that may be true - she may have lots of influence.  But don't assume that your proposal won't be heard - make it strong and clear, backed up with all the evidence you have - which is a lot - plus scholarly research about the long-term impact of BPD and other mental illnesses on kids.

[FamilyLaw]

ForeverDad-

I'm a big advocate of 5-2-2-5 because it works for my family and also seems to work for my clients.  There's a lot of stability for kids with the schedule, because they always know that on Mondays they will be with mom and Wednesdays with dad.  The only moving target is the weekends.

That said, I think that if you want to do week on / week off parenting time, it sometimes works better if the exchange day is Wednesday, rather than Friday or Sunday.  That way you are always engaged for at least half of the school week and can keep track of assignments and projects and whether they have been done and if help is needed.

[tog]

ForeverDad,

My guess is that your son goes to the GAL and says that he doesn't want to lose any time with Mom. In our area the GAL is the "attorney for the child", and represents his position. Even so, they turn to the GAL to decide many issues. You've said that your son tells you he wants more time with you and then tells the GAL he wants it the same. SS13 (as you know) does the same thing and has for years. Tries to please everyone.

I have to ask, and please don't take this as criticism... .  but when does all of this going back to court become futile and you just stay with what you have and work it to the best of your ability? Your son is probably being pressured by his mother to say he wants to be with her, which isn't going to help him any. And if it takes a YEAR to get a hearing, that's a year of pressure.  

Their proposal seems stupid... .  now you have to go pick him up, or she has to drive him to your place, in the evening on a school night? Seems inconvenient for everyone.

[david]

I am in the process of seeking more time with our boys. I talked to an atty twoo weeks ago. I have copies of everything boys do in school and homework. Since Jan mom has only done two pages of math with S9 and 12% of all other homework. We are 50/50 during the summer and mom has majority time during school year. S14 was only doing his homework when with me  and his grades reflect that. Since Jan I have been calling S14 when he is with mom and making sure he is doing his homework. I also had copies of hw ex did with S9. It was mostly incorrect. I sent an email to ex pointing that out and she explained that she had him do his hw by himself and she was planning on checking it several days later since it was due in a week. Well, the day bfore it was due, he was with me, I checked his work and it was better but still more than half was incorrect. This is third grade ! My atty said that would nbe extremely helpful in court because school is in the child's best interest.

I showed him more things and he said the schoolwork was all he needed. I told him that everything I have that shows what is going on MUST be presented in court or he is not the atty I am looking for. I want the judge to see everything and force him/her to make the right decision.

[ForeverDad]

That explains ex's recent improvement in attention to homework.  She gets the first part of the week and always got less than her fair share of the homework done and I had to cram the rest into two evenings to have the last of it turned in by Friday.  Also explains why she's been signing just about every homework page recently.  Maybe I have to start signing every correction I supervise, I review nearly everything.