When will his smear champaign end?

[letmeout]

How long before an ex’s full blown smear campaign stops? Does it ever stop?

I left my BPD husband of 35 yrs last summer, and our divorce just went through 2 wks ago. (It was a nightmare getting through the divorce with him; his issues took precedence over the entirety). He came out ahead so he should be happy; I got tired of him fighting me & my lawyer tooth & nail, and gave up a lot to just get it over with.

Ever since I left him, when he runs into someone we know, and even to people he doesn’t know, he rages about how awful I am for leaving him (that I must be a whore since I had no reason to ever leave him, he was such a good boy… blah blah blah)

I am really curious, will his badmouthing me ever stop, or will it be an ongoing thing that he can't get over?

[diotima]

Hi letmeout:

If your divorce was final just 2 weeks ago--that's pretty recent. At some level he feels shame because you left him and so he tries to paint you black to shore up himself and avoid his own shame at having been abandoned--even though he doesn't realize his own role in all this. I don't know whether it will stop and it feels really bad to be painted black. If he develops an interest in another person his attention will be less on his shame from your r/s I would think. My ex used to paint his ex's black to me but it wasn't an ongoing topic of conversation--it came and went.

Do you have a lot of friends in common and so this comes back to you through them?

Diotima

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Honestly dont know. They sadly create fictions in their mind as to who did what and then run with them despite they are not based on facts. I never even raised my voice to my ex yet I somehow was the boogey man.

Bottom line as annoying as it is, you have to accept they are sick and it is essential they play the victim. To do this you have to be the bad person even if you were the saint ! Another way to look at this sometime you pass sadly mental people on the street muttering to themselves. Would you or do you pay attention to what they are saying ? Your BPD ex, is if anything, despite appearing outwardly normal just as sick as the person in the street.

As much as I would like it you cant control them. ? After being harrased and threatened ... .having my property damaged post breakup with my ex I sent her a stern NC email. This was after a visit at 1 am to my house and her threatneing me . Nothing too bad in the email just No contact of I will have to go to the police ... .no calls ... .emails or turning up on my property. Well this was after at least 10 similar incidents post RS ... .threats on her part ... .damage to my property smashed windows ect ect.

Anyhow she waved the email around not mentioning to anyone what she had done out of context and claiming she should go to the police as I was threatening her ? Anyhow next time she came around I taped it, went to the police so it was on record just in case.

An aside but its how their minds work. She went nuts because I said I wanted nothing to do with her and if she breached it I would go to the police ... .this is a person that smashed windows threatned me ... .my friends ... family and so on.

So  will it ever stop ? Likely not. sadly they re-write history in their minds and it was funny to have a tape of someone in a rage threatning to kill you and your friends and me just calmly going please leave me alone I want no contact none ... .


Again this doesn't relate directly to your situation but I suspect most if not all BPD people operate this way with the rewriting of history. They really believe it !

Will they stop ? Likely no. They sadly actually believe their own new version of events. I am totally sure even if I presented my ex with a tape of her threatening me it would not change her version of events one iota.


Can you fight back against villification ? No sadly you appear like the boogey man. Only way is to disagree with the version as presented and not go too much into details as you will look as nutty as they are if you angrily try and defend yourself.

None of this makes it easier. With my own situation I just point out her first and second husbands and suggest they speak to them as to why they also will not have anything to do with her. Nothing 

For yourself and myself ... .I live my life as best I can. Out now 13 months found a new beautiful person and am very happy.

One other thing these people telling you stories. STOP THEM ... .he is your past. Some in a small town are just mean and do it for a reaction ... .others mutual people we know some without fail will mention my ex ... .its not just unthinking on their part ... .some sadly are just not human and I avoid these types now.

None of it makes hearing  something that is untrue easier but fighting back is not an option. Whilst a male ... I was at the wrong end of the abuse side not just verbal or cheating but spat on hit kicked ... .things broken and being told I was in some way the monster when the exact opposite was the case I found impossible to deal with until I took action and taped her in full rage. For a man accused of something horrible by a female there is not much one can do other than what I did.

In the end I dont care anymore. People will believe what they care to and my friends are my freinds ... .those whom I thought were my friend pre breakup are a different set to what is the case now. Strange but some people who were the kindest with my recovery were some who were not my friends but my ex's and had seen the game before. Even her mother took the time to tell me the real history and she had hoped I was the one who could make her happy.

For you, hold your head high and be proud !

You did the right thing and if someone starts ... .STOP THEM ... .if like me some cant help themselves aviod them. If you cant tell them in no uncertain terms what you think of people like them who cant help themselves.   


I wish you well ... .easier said than done. A good person all their lives made out as some sort of freak or monster ... .only revenge is to live your life and live it to the fullest. I have ... .happy as Larry 13 months on ... .give yourself a treat ... . important to not get your kids choosing sides !

Live your life to the fullest and hold your loved ones close ... .your son will not only benifit from not being bitter about the ex ... .he will see you being happy and it will drive your ex nuts. More importantly you ... .you will be happy and fufil some dreams.

Take care on your journey ... .sorry for the ramble but been there other side of the coin.

 

[harlemgurl]

There's honestly no saying when the bile spewing lets up but do your best to not fall in the trap of defending who you are to the people he has badmouthed you too. If you get yourself entangled in his need for drama your ex-husband will continue to have some fuel for his fire. Unfortunately in response to his feelings of shame, abandonment and narcissistic injury he'll result to Junior High School tactics to regain a sense of power but it won't work unless you respond.

The talk about you is shallow and empty and basically an emotional reflection of who your ex is on the inside. Unfortunately your ex lacks the insight to know how bad it actually makes him look to spread lies and gossip like a girl. His attempts at making you look bad only affirm what he's afraid that people already know: that he's a powerless empty suit. The shaming tactics on his part is a last ditch effort to punish you for standing up for yourself by divorcing him. When a BPD is abandoned (whether real or imagined) all bets are off and they have the tendency to go for the jugular.

The verbal assaults are about control so hold your ground by not giving anymore of your precious power away. You were once married to him and quite frankly that's enough of your time. The best way to respond to a BPDex is to live your life to the fullest without apology. When we've made the choice to emotionally move on from their power grip it guts them on the inside because they are incapable of living a full life without being parasitical.

The only way you can weather the verbal onslaughts is with time, patience and kindness to yourself. Besides. Why respond to a liar? You know who you are and anyone who is crazy enough to believe him was never your friend to begin with. I know the lies hurt but stay strong and let the dirt roll off of your shoulder.

HF

[schwing]

Hi Letmeout,

How long before an ex’s full blown smear campaign stops? Does it ever stop?

One guess is that as soon as he finds someone else to paint black, then he would have less reason to paint you black; i.e., maintain the smear campaign. 

It might be helpful to know that he does this not (perhaps only) out of some sense of vendetta or mean spirited-ness, but rather this is his disordered way of "coping" with the ending of a (your) relationship.  He doesn't have the emotional resources to see his own culpability in the ending of the relationship.  So he needs to maintain the delusion that the only reason why the relationship ended was because you "abandoned" or "betrayed" him; which may be painful because it is probably closer to the truth that he was the one who abandoned or betrayed you.

But this delusional account of the relationship is is preserve his fragile psyche.  Because if it were not all your fault, then perhaps he would have to accept that there is something wrong with him.  And with black and white thinking, if anything is wrong with him, then "everything" is wrong with him.  He does not have the emotional resources to see the "grey" in his situation, so he must make you his emotional scapegoat.  And it is not enough that he has these delusions.  He insists that other people, even complete strangers, must validate his delusions.

I left my BPD husband of 35 yrs last summer, and our divorce just went through 2 wks ago. (It was a nightmare getting through the divorce with him; his issues took precedence over the entirety). He came out ahead so he should be happy; I got tired of him fighting me & my lawyer tooth & nail, and gave up a lot to just get it over with.

I think an odd possibility is that he fought you tooth and nail because so long as you two were in the process of getting a divorce, in his mind, you had not yet "abandoned" him yet.  But once the divorce was finalized, that was the "abandonment."  I've heard of cases of pwBPD delaying divorce for as long as possible in order to "avoid abandonment"; I guess because until the divorce happens, you are still technically married and legally bound.

Ever since I left him, when he runs into someone we know, and even to people he doesn’t know, he rages about how awful I am for leaving him (that I must be a whore since I had no reason to ever leave him, he was such a good boy… blah blah blah)

It is not enough that he has these delusions.  He needs other people, even strangers, to "validate" his delusions.  And if they have no knowledge of your side of the story, what reason would they have to contradict him?  Also, should anyone you know in common even hesitate to accept his side of the story as truth, they will be cut out of his life; also painted black.  Because if you are not for his delusions, then you are against them.

I am really curious, will his badmouthing me ever stop, or will it be an ongoing thing that he can't get over?

It's not that he "can't get over" it.  It's that because of his disorder, he's never had the emotional resources to handle intimacy and the grief associated with the ending of a close relationship.  Suffice it to say that it reminds him too much of the abandonment or betrayal trauma he suffered as a child which caused him to have this disorder in the first place.  For him to be able to "get over it" is for him to spontaneously be cured of borderline personality disorder... .it's not going to happen.

Best wishes, Schwing

[once removed]

also, try to take some comfort in knowing that most people, and really, anyone who matters, is not going to be positively responsive to such behavior. it comes off very badly, and makes people a bit skeptical, especially when you, the horrible person, arent engaging in this kind of behavior.

[letmeout]

Thank you to everyone who responded. It was very good for me to re-read this because after 10 months of NC, my exBPD did a fly-by dump at my office. It was a shock to see him and listen to him take up right where he left off the last time he raged at me. It was as if no time at all had passed for him!

I had hoped that he would have moved on, but he said no one will go out with him twice. Not my problem... .but it was a bit of a traumatic nightmare to see him again and to hear the crazy talk.

[doingtheswim]

How long before an ex’s full blown smear campaign stops? Does it ever stop?

I left my BPD husband of 35 yrs last summer, and our divorce just went through 2 wks ago. (It was a nightmare getting through the divorce with him; his issues took precedence over the entirety). He came out ahead so he should be happy; I got tired of him fighting me & my lawyer tooth & nail, and gave up a lot to just get it over with.

Ever since I left him, when he runs into someone we know, and even to people he doesn’t know, he rages about how awful I am for leaving him (that I must be a whore since I had no reason to ever leave him, he was such a good boy… blah blah blah)

I am really curious, will his badmouthing me ever stop, or will it be an ongoing thing that he can't get over?

He may or may never stop.

Honestly-- who gives a $hit, because in reality, anyone with good emotional/mental composure would immediately see how inappropriate and in bad taste your ex is being. It seems like he is making you look bad, and that worked in elementary school, but a mature adult would see a very disturbed and unhealthy person, and would not jump to judgement based on one uncalled for side of a story.

My ex did the same. You know what I did? nada.

Turns out, the people I may have lost were idiots in the first place, and the ones that are still my friends all knew she was screwed up but out of respect for me, wanted to accept her as best as they could.

It works out. f@ck him