Borderline Waifs

[dansure]

I just found this thread here and it's amazing how it seems like some people are perfectly describing my ex and my relationship with her.

Was anyone else in a relationship with a BPD waif and can share his experience?

I noticed that many refer to them as "vindictive" which is a word I used many times to describe my ex as well.

[Madison66]

Yeah, my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years showed strong traits of a vulnerable narc and traits of waif BPD.  I got the worst of both worlds.  She was always the victim and the emotional abuse/blackmail was ridiculous.  There were some rages during the r/s, but more emotional dysregulation and emotional immaturity.  She was a 42 year old professional who thought it was completely acceptable to show up at my door at midnight with the glossy BPD eyes acting like an emotionally dysregulated 3 year old.  The rage would normally happen if she didn't feel like I was responding appropriately.  Then, she could sit in front of a T and completely justify how she acted.  I was so caught up in her reality that I thought I was completely crazy.  So, year, victim, emotionally dysregulated, some rages, dis-associative behavior, emotionally abusive, self loathing, inability to self soothe, manipulative and controlling, emotionally immature, lacking empathy, at times darkly depressed, would be extremely emotional and aware of her feelings only as they related to her alone, etc.  From what I understand, she had a replacement within two weeks and now another.  She can't tolerate being alone and must have her "supply".

I'm 70 days out and nearly 60 days n/c.  The whole thing so messed with my mind and I'm going through waves of emotions lately.  I'm really determined to come out of this mess healthy and ready to live, breathe, grow and love again... .

[DiamondSW]

Mine was a waif and she was the kind of girl who could easily have passed for the vicar's daughter.  Exceptionally pretty and well presented with an ability to charm and be very sweet.

However, behind closed doors, there would be moments when I would just despair with her nasty words, humiliating actions and hatred of me and herself.  She REALLY hated herself.  She would buy all of the best clothes that money could, beautiful shoes, posh mayfair haircuts, but she knew that much of it was via mummy's money -and after the initial joy of purchasing, the reality ATE her up. 

She was SOO talented and soo beautiful -she could do anything, but No.  She's too ill and the 1hr a week T makes no tangible difference on a life where she's 30 and can't forver live like a student.

I feel sorry for her.  I really do.  And I nearly died from her words and actions.  What a waste. 

If I ever see her mother or cousin though... . he will have his goolies chopped off and she will be fedexed back to the Middle East cattle class.  Blame them, they were her abusers, NOT me.

[In_n_Out]

Add me to the list and my exdBPDgf waif exhibited many of the same traits listed.  She was a "victim" of her parents (her dad is just a sicko).  She was thrust in to beauty pagents as a teenager and even competed in a state competition.  She was very pretty, thin (eating disorder), never married, no kids.  Her longest r/s before ours was 18 months (I hung in there for 3.5 years).  

Her mood swings were off the charts.  She could be driving with me in the car acting goofy one minute and then suddenly, she's in tears.  Always crying.  And when she cried, I had to stop everything to give her a hug.  A LONG hug.  And her shoulders and back always ached so I had to give rubdowns/massages.  Not gentle rubs, she wanted like deep tissue massages.  Funny story but a female friend of mine had sore shoulders just the other day (yes, this triggered) me.  I went to rub them and she said "ouch! you don't know your own strength!".  My fingers would cramp from massaging so hard and then she would complain if I stopped too soon.  She actually mentions that in her last email to me "It always seemed like it was such a burdon for you to just rub my shoulders".  

Add hypochondriac to the list.  She had gastro-intestinal illness.  Some thing that doctors couldn't find anything wrong but she did her own research for and "discovered" that she has endometriosis.  She found some OTC chewables that are filled with calcium.  She'd eat those things like candy before and after every meal.  Well, that led to kidney stones.  So we had a number of ER visits for this and that.  

She can't keep a job.  Just like how she cycles through bf's, she cycles through jobs.  She would call me crying because she was so stressed out.  I would have to go over on my lunch break just to hug her, rub her shoulders and tell her that it would be ok.  She'd eventually just walk out of every job.  She can't multitask.  She can only focus on one thing but for a short period of time.  ADD probably.

I was isolated and lost my own identity.  I stopped working out and gained a lot of weight.  If I did go to the gym, she'd stop by just to say hi (she didn't workout herself).  

Unlike others here, my ex was a good care taker.  I think that she was seeking my approval in the same way that she sought it from her dad (but never got it).  I injured my arm once and needed stitches.  She RACED to the ER and had such a panicked look on her face; as if I might die from the thing and then she'd be lost and lonely.  She would have a foot bath ready for me and a heating pad for my back if my day was hard (due to me being out of shape and overweight at the time).  She'd then prepare dinner.  I loved the attention.  She would later throw all of this back on me though because as she indicated, it seemed that I never respected her and that I took her for granted.

If there wasn't already enough drama going on, she would create it.  Running out of gas so that I'd have to take off of work immediately to fetch a gas can and go put enough gas in so that we could get her to the gas station.  She totaled her car high on Ambian and wine coming to see me (before we moved in together).  So she used my car until I got her one.  I later found out that she used my car to go visit her old bf's.  

She would often say what others had mentioned; that I would someday leave her as all the others had.  :)uring our last recycle, she said "why can't you just go and stay away like the others?".  She would say "this is it, *when* we break up, I won't date ever again... . I don't want to go through the whole meet and greet thing ever again".  Of course, she started a new r/s with my replacement even before we finally ended for this last time.  She had begun at one point ending all notes and texts with "love you always - no matter".  No matter what?  No matter if you leave me?  If I leave you?  Always doom and gloom.

She would do the push/pull thing.  After sex on a saturday morning (and sex with her was fairly bland honestly), she says "I think that we should live apart so that we can date.  We never really dated.  I'd like for you to come to my house and bring me flowers and take me out on a real date".  What the heck is that, we're engaged?  She pushed me out of the bedroom first (I slept in the spare bedroom because I snored or rolled over too much).  She then pushed me out of the house that we shared (she found me my own place for me... . how very nice of her).  

When my boys came over for their visitation, it was always a nightmare.  She couldn't stand not having my full attention and she would jump all over them for every little thing.  If/when I dared question why she felt that she needed to be that way to them, she would start crying and storm out of the house (that was her "rage".  She always had to have all the attention.  Once, after I had been moved out, she had me over for dinner.  I forewarned her that I would likely get a very important business call.  Well, it came, just as dinner was served.  The call lasted a while and she was getting irked.  She went outside to work in the yard.  Finally, she couldn't stand it any longer and came in and said excitedly, "you've got to come see this!".  I held up a finger and whispered "I'm sorry, almost done!".  Well, when I finished I went outside angrily and said "now what is it that is so damn important?".  "There was a (some animal) that looked really cute.  I thought that I'd share that with you".  That ruined the evening.

I can go on and on.  And what's sad is my back is killing me from work today (I tweaked it at the gym last night) and I'm triggered and missing her heating pad and dinner.  A sore back is what triggers me now.  What a hold they get on you!

[whatathing]

I believe mine was a waif and hermit type too. It's great to know about all your stories. Mine had eating disorders, didnt rage, had a great engulfment fear, always was complaining about other people, work, her family... . Was really beautiful and smart, talented for anything she'd want, but unable to stick to anything. She used work as a regulation source, or maybe to avoid feeling the void. Many similarities to all of your stories.

I'd like to ask if anyone witnessed this: she had big sleeping problems, or a kind of sleeping disorder: she had nightmares every week, lucid dreams that she hated because she couldnt wake herself up and were too intense, also night terrors, which is when you are awake but your body is still sleeping and you cant move and feel suffocated. And she also had some very strange nearly psychotic episodes, in which, in a matter of minutes, in the daytime, she felt a great sadness and despair, like everything was so bad and the world was black. She said it was like a dark cloud just overwhelmed her inside. This was similar to a rapid cycling bipolar episode. Anyone saw any of this?

Thanks

[whatathing]

P.S.: I always thought maybe it could be a side effect of the medication she was taking since 3 years ago, fpr depression and anxiety.

[dansure]

Mine showed off pretty much the same traits as others.

She didn't rage but always found ways to victimize herself. She would bait me by passiv-aggressiv behavior until I took the bait and then she would always call me "harsh" or "aggressiv" when in reality I just reacted to her baits.

She was super innocent, nice and cute and the beginning of the relationship and made me feel like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. When we met I was also at a bad place because my first love cheated on me and broke my heart. She had awful parents, I am pretty sure that her mother has BPD as well. Sometimes she would call my ex and freak out on her and other times she was super nice and caring. Even though she was a virgin when we met, the sex was mind-blowing at the beginning of the relationship. However, towards the end of the relationship she started to withdraw her attention more and more and sex became so rare that I complained about it at some point. She told me that I am too demanding and that I need to understand that she is stressed. She only raged when she had something planed and when I didn't react the way she expected me to do. During the last two month of the relationship her personality started to change. Whereas she used to cry a lot during our fights and play the poor victim the became very indifferent towards the end. She once even told me "I used to cry when we fought, but then I noticed I need to be strong and fight back!". So I also started to care less and I didn't react to her tears anymore. She asked me to help her with something and cried and asked me how I can refuse to help her. But I was so annoyed be her behavior and by the fact that she was withdrawing all the affection that I simply didn't feel like helping her anymore. I guess that was the sign for her that the game is over and I won't be her rescuer anymore, so we broke up.

That's why she showed her cruel, vindictive bhity side. Whenever I called her she told me how awful our relationship was and how happy she is to be out of it. She claimed that she is scared of me and that I want to kill her and that she would be ready to fight if I tried. She reactivated her Facebook account and put seductive pictures on all of her social media accounts. Two month after she started dating someone else and I am pretty sure that she met him during our relationship.

The hardest thing with the borderline waif is to make a coherent picture of them in your mind. On one side I see that poor, little, innocent girl that would always cry when we had an argument. On the other side I see this vindictive b!tch that moved on within a couple of days and replaced me after two month and didn't have anything nice to tell me anymore after our break up.

PS: She was also always tired and felt sick. A couple a weeks before we broke up she even went to the doctor to get a check up.

[GuiltHaunted]

In order not to double post, I'll refer to my story with my uBPDexgf, which is in it's own separate thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218818.0


But a lot for each of the stories sounds familiar.

[starshine]

My ex was a waif.  He was the one who got wronged by his ex-wife.  He was wronged at work.  He never raged, would just leave when he got uncomfortable and then would hold it against me.  When he lost his job he did some odd work to make a buck, but soon just gave up on that- something was always ailing him.  He was too ill or hurt to work, but could find the energy to rollerblade for hours a day.  He implied it was so he could maintain his heart health to maintain his erections.  The sex WAS great, the best I ever had.  He loved to create drama. He frequently talked smack about people he interacted or worked with (when he had a job) or served on boards with.   He hated to travel, and punished me if I did, saying awful things about what I would be doing or who I would be going with.  He would also make up things, like texting me that I left the refridgerator door open, or something else totally weird and banal.  He would talk very quietly, so people would have to ask him to repeat himself, sometimes more than once. 

[Waifed]

Quiet, shy, social anxiety, very sexual, never cursed at me in 3 years, never spoke badly about anyone but my ex wife, eyes never wondered in public, subtly passive aggressive, Gaslighting big time, secretive, compartmentalized with her parents her friend and I, she would never do anything like date my friend like others have, never spoke poorly of exes, no obvious sustained addictions, very good self control, more engulfment issues than abandonment until the end, wasn't capable of logical arguments, spent a lot of time at her parents (30 yo), she was actually married but never lived with him, didn't like to use condoms, went on only 2 trips with me in three years, stayed with me most nights but NEVER left anything at my house, for 3 years she constantly said "we need to end this", was not materialistic at all, hermit like, never uses social media but blocked me on Facebook before we started dating even though I had her Facebook password, rarely expected me to support her financially, never really bought me any gifts or anything sentimental, some mirroring but more with her friend, scared of a committed relationship,  seemed like she knew she would never be able to have a lasting relationship, educated and working on her masters even though she was awkward at work and only good at non-stressful repetitive work, pretty oblivious to things in the world except music movies and reality TV, very attractive but she would come to work at times without makeup looking bad, rarely wore nice clothes but would dress up loosely when we went out, liar, cheated, she changed when I got sick and it never was the same.

[jdcthunder14]

I have a question, are all borderline waifs thin, or is there some other definition? Mine has eating disorders which obviously affects her weight, when she was yonger she was very thin.

No I am sure they are not. But a lot of pwBPD have co-morbid disorders such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Mine was a bulimic. Body image disorders are common also.