The Grief Process - Denial

[GreenMango]

Hi Leaving Board,

Starting this thread to check and see how familiar members are with the Grief Process.  One part of the grief process is denial.  

Denial

This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  

In the Kübler-Ross model, if your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door.  The equivalent in a relationship breakup is that your partner is drifting away or has broken-up and you still think that he/she doesn't mean it - that it is a ploy or a reaction.  

Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

Sometimes we don't even know we are in denial.  We may have been in denial during the relationship. 

Discussing this helps members here whether you are depressed or have come out the other end.  

What do you see know that was your denial?  Are you struggling with some are hard realities?  What are you struggling with?  

-GM

And, here's a shameless plug for the bpdfamily.com Grief Workshop.  You can answer the poll on what stage you are in and how long you've been there: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0]

[ThisWayUp]

I was in denial during my RS that I left 5 days ago.

Denial that it wasn't going to get better. Denial of the effects the RS would have on the kids. Denial of the fact that I would always be unhappy unless I was brave enough to admit the RS was over and make the decision to end things.

Those are just a few off the top of my head.

[forgottenarm]

I'm realizing that I was definitely in denial about the level of the abuse.  I'm finally starting to remember and recategorize a lot of my experiences---partly because of therapy and partly because I've been away from him long enough to clear my mind---and I'm getting pretty mad about it.  I'm starting to see that I learned to judge his behavior against special standards---standards of what to expect from him vs. what I might expect from anyone else.  So, he might behave like a beast and then ignore me for days, but when he finally contacted me and said something nice, I would be thrilled.  Well, I shouldn't have been thrilled.  I should've expected an apology and an explanation!  Anyway, the more reality sinks in, the more I realize I've been living in an absolute fog of denial for 5 years.

As far as denial about the relationship ending, truthfully, I don't think it'll completely end until I decide to end it.  I think he'll keep resurfacing until I stop responding.  This is based on his past behavior through four previous break-ups.  Maybe that's denial---I don't know.  But I do think I've gained enough clarity to know the relationship as I knew it (or thought I knew it) is over.

[dageaux]

Definitely in denial during, esp the last 3-4 months but could not detach myself at all. Been 13 weeks now and am still in denial. SUx to be us! But things are much improved and can't wait for the day when she's only a very very short passing thought!

[mitchell16]

I was in denial that it would work during the whole relationship. at each break-up I would hear her say If only... bascially hold her accountable for actions.

and at each break up She dump me and then get me I was denial I thought it meant  she really loved me and had changed and really wanted the relationship.

BUt what it meant was she still needed me to feed her ego, take care of her needs until I had nothing left and then she moved on.

[patientandclear]

My denial came after the r/s and has persisted for a long time.  It took a very long time to put all the pieces I knew separately together into a coherent picture and see what I was really dealing with.  I didn't know about BPD until after I instituted NC after things got very painful after the breakup.  I also didn't know about a lot of the recognizable BPD behaviors until after the breakup (I was unaware that he had cycled through many many other women with the same story he told me -- they were The One, it was so amazing, until one day, he ended it out of the blue for some reason that made no sense, with no warning or attempt at working it out).  As far as I knew during the r/s, all was well & we were engaged in an epic love affair unprecedented in either of our lives.

After he ended it with no warning and for no reason that made any sense, I really struggled to avoid seeing what it was.  A friend filled me in on his romantic history but I persisted in feeling like we were special and he must not really have been saying all the same things to all those other women.  It took me months to register that he had been lying to me when he told me he was waiting all that time for me--he hadn't been waiting at all.  And that this had set me up for a horrendous fall, since, if I'd known the truth, I'd have guarded my feelings much more carefully.  And so on.  And then when I learned about mirroring, I was finally able to put all the intense things he'd said about me/us in a different perspective--where it didn't mean we were fated to be together because of all we had in common.

It took more information, the analytical framework of understanding BPD, continued betrayal (as he pursued another woman rather than working to deal with his intimacy problems so we could be together, as I'd thought he was doing) and time for me to emerge from the denial that settled in after he initially clubbed me over the head and left me for dead emotionally.

[myself]

Yes, I was in denial.

Thinking it would change for the better when it was obvious it wouldn't.

Thingking that if I only did MORE, took the heat, gave in, it would help somehow.

Thinking that she loved me like I loved her, believing she would stay.

That when she raged at me, and all the rest of it, it wasn't abuse.

It got to where I was even in denial about being in denial!

[purelove]

I seem to bounce back and forth between acceptance that she is sick and the best thing i can do for both of us is leave an unhealthy situation and denial that I can do something for her. Each time I break NC has a definate corolation to this yoyo of emotions I seem to cycle thru every few days. I must keep to NC if I am ever going to heal myself from this!

[GreenMango]

Denial that it would work out despite the reality of the actions seems to be a pretty common one.  I thought things would get better too... .relied on hope.

[suz124w]

I was in denial for a long time about the crying, anger, rages, controlling behaviour etc because I didn't want to lose hope in my dream of having found an emotionally giving person whom I could love fully and who would love me back fully.  I didn't know anything about BPD and swallowed his story that he had occasional bouts of depression... .

I am still a little in denial about the fact that a lot of what went on was in fact emotional abuse.  I still keep on thinking "It can't have been, he can't really be like that!", even now when I've spoken to him about 3 weeks ago and seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears that he has zero empathy except for himself or where a show of empathy reflects well on himself.

Yes, I am in complete denial about the CRUELTY regardless of whether that person has a mental condition or not!

[suz124w]

Reading that back, it all looks a bit blaming... .!  I am not saying everything was his "fault" but there is no denying that it WAS emotional abuse. 

Now that I am coming out of denial, I have to do what I can to clean up my act and learn what I can do as regards my own behaviour to stop facilitating such abuse.  Part of that is taking off the blinkers/removing the rose tinted specs to see what is actually at the end of my nose.  The problem is when you really, really want something badly you are almost on a mission to make it happen.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing.  It was ultimately a very damaging thing for me in this relationship.  7 months on and I am still not out of the woods although I can see some chinks of light!  However, I can't beat myself up for things I didn't know or understand at the time.  Equally, I can beat myself up if I act irresponsibly in the future in the light of what I now know!

[maria1]

I'm swinging in and out of denial I think. Was I in denial for a large part of the relationship? I'm not sure, I know that at times I questioned whether be was emotionally abusing me so maybe denial was easier than accepting that he was. But the abuse was very subtle and the rages I got seemed psychotic- they were by text and I just switched off until they blew over. I thought he had a real problem with anger at those times but he did too.

Now I am somewhere between accepting he never loved me and was using me and thinking he needs help and my rejecting his friendship has just proved to him that everybody ultimately leaves so why bother seeking help?

I actually think that the truth must lie somewhere between those two extremes so its difficult to work out which bits I'm in denial of! I think he did love me, in the only way he could. I think he did use me. I think he did abuse my love for him. I think he has moments of insight and clarity when he feels tremendous shame at the way he treats people. He has to deny that by moving on.

I think I loved him, I think I still do and at other times think I don't. I am accepting that the space my BPDex filled was there before I met him, that he opened it up and filled it for me. I don't think it was possible to recognise that whilst I was in it without some heavy duty skilled therapy.

I agree with suz124w that when you want something badly you are on a mission to make it happen. I didn't want another failed relationship. I thought my BPDex was beautiful, funny and pretty cool really. He was a teenage dream- not quite right at 45! Definitely some denial going on there.

[beachgirl009]

I was in denial from the beginning because I was happy to have a man who paid attention to me and wanted to be with me all of the time.  So when legal issues started pouring in, I just took his word for it on what happened and never attended a court date to hear for myself what was being presented.   I didn't want to know the whole truth, if I did I would of had of ended it much sooner than I did.  I was also in denial about what he told me about his first marriage.  He painted his exwife black and put most of the blame on their 12 year r/s ending on her, saying she cheated throughout, etc.  At the end, he was starting to project a lot of things on me, instability, infidelity, etc, which were so far from the truth.   I will never know if what he told me about his marriage was true or not. 

Denial is a strong wall.  I'm still having problems taking it down and seeing my r/s for what it was.  I don't want to admit that I was used and abused. 

[GreenMango]

Denial is a strong wall.  As Suz said about blaming its easy to look at only one side of it.

I was in denial that our values matched but I forged forward denying that they didn't.

[Cumulus]

Glad you bumped up as this has been much in my thoughts lately. Even after coming up on two years out (really that long? Wow) I would still look at KR stages of grieving and think no, never had denial, no never had anger, no never had bargaining. Sounds like a whole lot of denial when I look at it objectively. Still working through all this, unfortunately in a very isolated area so no T available. I am trying to find the anger, and actually through this board I have been able to become angry directing it at the disease itself. I can't direct it at the xBPDH, all I can feel in that direction is sadness and pity. There was a book I read awhile back that explained a lot of my actions to me and how I was able to stay in denial for so many years. The book is called Willful Blindness. Sorry cant remember the author.

[maria1]

I read somewhere that we use denial to stop ourselves from facing things that are just too painful. It also said hat denial protects us because sometimes the pain cannot be born. We face it when we are ready and able to.

The thing about grieving is there aren't really any rules of the order or the stages BUT one thing that is certain is that acceptance really, really hurts. Which is why the anger and the bargaining pull us in and out of acceptance- they protect us from pain that feels unbearable.

Im enjoying feeling some anger toward BPDex right now. It's pushed me into breaking my 'friendship' with him and its made me put my own needs above his. That's not actually making me feel sad that he isn't in my life though. I am actually feeling free. It is however opening up space for me to be properly alone as I still believed he understood me and cared. Right now I believe his 'caring' was an act to keep me where he needed to keep me.

If he doesn't care then nobody does really and maybe that's what I was scared of accepting. But behind that I have other layers of grief forcother people and for my childhood that I'm still working through and which are much larger than BPD relationship.

[trouble11]

Anybody else feel like in some regards you purchased your denial?  In my case I was so incredibly financially vested in things working I think it caused me to stay in denial much longer.  I had moved, liquidated all my assets, and was on the verge of eviction.  These things, in addition to the BPD web, made the last recycle look much more like a good idea.  But hey ... .  he paid 3 months rent.  Totally NOT worth it. 

[sjgood]

Really struggling today with feelings of loss, anger, depression.

[blecker]

Really struggling today with feelings of loss, anger, depression.

Move a muscle, change a thought.

Do something different today than you normally would.

It is as simple as that. Your feelings will change.

[Salut]

I am confused about being vested and trying hard to make something work.  Isn't that something you should do in a r/s?  When I started realizing my marriage was in serious trouble, I looked up lots on divorce.  There is a lot of advice out there to try ard to make it work, divorce doesn't make you happier, people who divorce just carry their emotional baggage into next r/s, etc. 

So i kept trying.  Isn't trying a good thing?  Where is this magic line when trying becomes a bad thing?

I can see my uBPDH doing the same thing.  Little efforts to reach out and explain.  But I must admit, it's not helping.  Just making things worse.  I suppose we are both in denial.

[GreenMango]

Salutary it could also be the bargaining phase and denial.  Bargaining is a tough one too.

[marbleloser]

I was in denial concerning my marriage.It was nothing I thought it was supposed to be,but I kept trying.Trying to make it better,trying to fix it,trying everything to make it work.It shouldn't be that hard and in the end,it didn't make a difference.

My biggest denial was in myself.I lost all empathy and turned cold.That's not who I am or want to be.I shut down my emotions and just existed,day to day.

[Tausk]

I think that all the recycling that I did with my ex has kept me in the denial phase much longer than I would like.  I still often go about my days/weeks/months without my ex and still thinking that we'll get back together.  It's because we broke up so many times that I got used to the state and would just wait/hope/pine for the time that we were back together. 

Now that we are really done, what has slowed my recovery and grieving is that the lack of my ex in my life is not unfamiliar.  I just expect her to come back to me.  Or I figure I'll be able to get her back. 

But I know in reality that I don't want her back.  But it's hard to let go.  And in part it's because I'm so used to thinking that this is just a stage.  But now that thought process is denial.

Today, I have to remind myself to feel the pain of abandonment depression, rather than repress those feelings with denial.  It's the only way that I will continue to move on.

[happylogist]

I am in denial! As paradoxical it is but I am in denial over my denial!

Whereas I think I have accepted today I caught myself thinking "what if one day he... . "

6 months of no contact, he is dating a common friend, recently trying to establish a new contact with me to be again friends (yet again, with confusing messages of wanting to see me, being his soulmate, never promising me anything, telling about his "non-exclusive relationships", impossibility of being with me and committing)

finally I say everything that I was not able to tell him because of guilt, shame and fear of losing him and finally break any contact, something I wanted so much, but was scared... .

... . and a week later think "will he one day say that... . " I called it before hope, but now I know I think it is my blatant denial with rationalization.

[irishmarmot]

I was in denial for most of the relationship.   When I read about BPD especially,  I knew it wasn't going to work but couldn't break it off.  When I told her she had all the symptoms (big mistake)  she started actively looking for a replacement.   In the end I didn't listen to my gut and the end result was just as predicted by everyone on this board.

[Ceide]

I was in denial about the red flags I saw early on in the relationship.  I'm trying to forgive myself for that now.  Here are a few:  he was very clingy, very early on.  I figured he was just in the infatuation stage and that it would pass.  I was in denial over how ridiculously insecure and jealous he was.  I was aware of it and I didn't like it, but I didn't let it stand out for the huge red flag it was.  I thought we dealt with it and thought that as the relationship matured, it would pass.  It didn't.  I was in denial over how he subtly became controlling.  I felt it and it was not comfortable, yet I thought I found a way to deal with it.  Yikes!  He really did me a favor by leaving, after all.