Involved Police and now the sadness comes

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. Have had some great support on here over last week since realising exbf is BPD, no idea whether he may have ever been diagnosed or not.

Typical story- he picked me off the internet, fell in love with me before he'd even met me. We had a very intense on/off love affair. He painted his ex wife as a horrible, cold woman who refused to work at the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce because she was bored of him. He has a 6 year old son and went to pieces because of the divorce. I believed that she used his anger to paint a picture of him as bad and abusive so that she could come off better in the divorce. I tried to mediate between him and his ex wife over contact for his son.

Our relationship would end periodically. Usually because I would react to his treatment of me or his hatred of his ex wife.

At Xmas he found out his ex wife was seeing someone else. He took an overdose the same day as he bought me a car saying 'pay me back when you can'. I took more pills off him on Xmas day. He said I saved his life.

About 7 weeks ago he ended the relationship saying he wanted to be friends, that he needed to get better on his own, that he was starting to 'rely on me' and he couldn't have that. He later said what we had was so special it couldn't be subjected to the everyday niggles and stresses of a relationship, that all relationships end and he was particularly horrible in relationships. He said he couldn't afford to lose me as he would kill himself if he didn't have me in his life.

I went to pieces. Totally confused but tried to respect his wishes. Tried to be friends. He still wanted me to sleep there at times but no sex although he would mention sex often. Took me to see his mother who I had only met briefly before. Met his brother, it felt like he was introducing a girlfriend to his family. Dropped me off at my house in the afternoon saying he had places to go, I was crying. He just left. I seemed to be watching his personality disintegrate in front of me.

His ex wife mentioned during a text conversation a woman's name that he was seeing. His ex wife never knew that we were in a relationship although I think she must have suspected. I asked him who this woman was. He said he had made up a name because he was referring to me, saying he was seeing someone. He texted me 5 minutes later saying he can't lie to me, that this woman does exist, that it was a release from everything horrible in his life, that there was nothing sexual yet. A few days earlier I'd seen condoms in his wallet, he made an excuse that they were from me and him. I knew it wasn't true.

I went to Court with him to help him stay calm. He was entering a plea for breaking a non molestation order against his ex wife. He spat at her. He swore to me he had spat on the floor. I realised over the course of the day he was a liar. I haven't seen him since. One of the last things he told me was that he had spat straight in her face.

I realised he was BPD, 8 if not 9 of the DSM criteria. Violent father who left when he was 6 never to be mentioned again. I thought for a while and then called his GP. I'd spoken to him once before when I was concerned he was suicidal. I did it because his GP has written a letter of support for Court which paints a picture of a man pushed to extremes by the terrible behaviour of his evil ex wife. The GP has been totally sucked in. I felt he should know my concerns that he's very ill with more than depression. Don't know if it was right but it felt right for me, exbf trusts his GP.

I spent last week tying up all loose ends, changing mobile, and telling my boss at work. I withdrew a letter of support I'd written for the court case. Paid the last of the money I owe him for the car. Told him I wouldn't pay for a trip we were planning and that he had booked. I said all my friends said I shouldn't pay, that I now know he was not truthful throughout the time I've known him. Told him to take me to small claims if he disagrees about the money, asked him to please leave me alone. He wanted an explanation of what I've told my children. I gave it. It's that his racist views don't fit with mine- he said something racist to them recently.

I'd set my email to bin his messages, but I checked the bin. Then the emails start. Firstly nice, then a bit nasty, nothing threatening, just stuff about money he wants me to pay for the trip. I responded at first (a mistake, I know). Gave the explanation he asked for, he came back with more questions. Told him to please leave me alone. I haven't responded to the last 4. The latest one said give me the name of your solicitor (I told him I'd got legal advice through work) or I'll ring your office and get it myself.

So tonight I have had the police here. They are going to warn him to stop contacting me or he may be charged under anti harassment legislation. He will not understand how I can do this to him. And now I just feel so very sad. He relied on me to explain stuff, to keep him centred and give him a sense of calm. Now I'm just enraging him. I just wish he was here next to me so that I could explain. The person I knew a few months ago would have listened to me. I just wish he was here and I know I can never speak to him or touch him again. And I feel so sad. it really really hurts.

[maria1]

Hi all. Have had some great support on here over last week since realising exbf is BPD, no idea whether he may have ever been diagnosed or not.

Typical story- he picked me off the internet, fell in love with me before he'd even met me. We had a very intense on/off love affair. He painted his ex wife as a horrible, cold woman who refused to work at the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce because she was bored of him. He has a 6 year old son and went to pieces because of the divorce. I believed that she used his anger to paint a picture of him as bad and abusive so that she could come off better in the divorce. I tried to mediate between him and his ex wife over contact for his son.

Our relationship would end periodically. Usually because I would react to his treatment of me or his hatred of his ex wife.

At Xmas he found out his ex wife was seeing someone else. He took an overdose the same day as he bought me a car saying 'pay me back when you can'. I took more pills off him on Xmas day. He said I saved his life.

About 7 weeks ago he ended the relationship saying he wanted to be friends, that he needed to get better on his own, that he was starting to 'rely on me' and he couldn't have that. He later said what we had was so special it couldn't be subjected to the everyday niggles and stresses of a relationship, that all relationships end and he was particularly horrible in relationships. He said he couldn't afford to lose me as he would kill himself if he didn't have me in his life.

I went to pieces. Totally confused but tried to respect his wishes. Tried to be friends. He still wanted me to sleep there at times but no sex although he would mention sex often. Took me to see his mother who I had only met briefly before. Met his brother, it felt like he was introducing a girlfriend to his family. Dropped me off at my house in the afternoon saying he had places to go, I was crying. He just left. I seemed to be watching his personality disintegrate in front of me.

His ex wife mentioned during a text conversation a woman's name that he was seeing. His ex wife never knew that we were in a relationship although I think she must have suspected. I asked him who this woman was. He said he had made up a name because he was referring to me, saying he was seeing someone. He texted me 5 minutes later saying he can't lie to me, that this woman does exist, that it was a release from everything horrible in his life, that there was nothing sexual yet. A few days earlier I'd seen condoms in his wallet, he made an excuse that they were from me and him. I knew it wasn't true.

I went to Court with him to help him stay calm. He was entering a plea for breaking a non molestation order against his ex wife. He spat at her. He swore to me he had spat on the floor. I realised over the course of the day he was a liar. I haven't seen him since. One of the last things he told me was that he had spat straight in her face.

I realised he was BPD, 8 if not 9 of the DSM criteria. Violent father who left when he was 6 never to be mentioned again. I thought for a while and then called his GP. I'd spoken to him once before when I was concerned he was suicidal. I did it because his GP has written a letter of support for Court which paints a picture of a man pushed to extremes by the terrible behaviour of his evil ex wife. The GP has been totally sucked in. I felt he should know my concerns that he's very ill with more than depression. Don't know if it was right but it felt right for me, exbf trusts his GP.

I spent last week tying up all loose ends, changing mobile, and telling my boss at work. I withdrew a letter of support I'd written for the court case. Paid the last of the money I owe him for the car. Told him I wouldn't pay for a trip we were planning and that he had booked. I said all my friends said I shouldn't pay, that I now know he was not truthful throughout the time I've known him. Told him to take me to small claims if he disagrees about the money, asked him to please leave me alone. He wanted an explanation of what I've told my children. I gave it. It's that his racist views don't fit with mine- he said something racist to them recently.

I'd set my email to bin his messages, but I checked the bin. Then the emails start. Firstly nice, then a bit nasty, nothing threatening, just stuff about money he wants me to pay for the trip. I responded at first (a mistake, I know). Gave the explanation he asked for, he came back with more questions. Told him to please leave me alone. I haven't responded to the last 4. The latest one said give me the name of your solicitor (I told him I'd got legal advice through work) or I'll ring your office and get it myself.

So tonight I have had the police here. They are going to warn him to stop contacting me or he may be charged under anti harassment legislation. He will not understand how I can do this to him. And now I just feel so very sad. He relied on me to explain stuff, to keep him centred and give him a sense of calm. Now I'm just enraging him. I just wish he was here next to me so that I could explain. The person I knew a few months ago would have listened to me. I just wish he was here and I know I can never speak to him or touch him again. And I feel so sad. it really really hurts.

[2010]

The person I knew a few months ago would have listened to me.

The person that you thought he was would have protected you from the person that he is. The attraction of the good part time person cannot be reconciled with the part time bad- this is the sad reality of Borderline personality disorder. The whole person does not exist. In the beginning of your relationship, the bad was merely mirroring your good. Now you are seeing yourself as bad because that is what he sees in himself- except that now he's moved on to a new version of good in this new tryst. In time she will be turned bad as well. It's a disorder.

"I have met many altruistic, empathic rescuers in this situation.  Most are well defined individuals; I believe these get in touch intuitively with a Borderline and think they can heal this person if they only love them enough. The need for someone to idealize, admire, look to for guidance is perhaps an especially dangerous one. When these persons are let down by their partner they may sink into a loss of hope wider than pain of the abusive relationship itself._

[FindingMe2011]

A test suggested by a therapist is to <<withhold rescuing>> from the Borderline_

[maria1]

Thank you 2010. What do you mean by do not engage in warfare?

My hope is that the police visit will stop him. He will not want more criminal convictions- he has a trial in November. My worry is it will escalate him further. But I don't know what else to do. I know that NC is the only way always now but I also feel that he will keep going whatever I do.

I have been feeling unsafe- he sent me a strange warning I realise now, just before I withdrew altogether. He said he had a friend over who was his 'understudy', that he would 'do anything for him'. He forwarded me a text which said he would 'sort her out' (meaning his ex wife) but that wasn't for phone conversations. I told him I didn't want to know. He then emailed me 2 photos of this friend. He's never emailed me pictures of friends before.

When we were together he spoke of the 'beauty of violence' at times.

Are you saying I shouldn't have involved the police? I have 2 young children and share custody with their dad who lives very close to me. I can't move house. I can't run.

[maria1]

I am on a waiting list for counselling. I'm not ignoring what you say about my part in this- I posted that reply first because I need to separate my physical safety immediately and what you said about that concerned me. I may be able to stop the police if I need to, it may be too late.

I realise that this man has pulled me into behaviours I never thought I was capable of. But i did them. I stayed with someone who said violence is beautiful. I thought he was showing me the darkest part of him but that it wasn't the 'real' him. I know that he did not just choose me and that I chose him also and I have to examine why. His actions were constantly telling me to get out and I constantly fell for the words to stay in. Even when he pushed me away or I decided I couldn't take the abuse I would still return, worried about how he would be on his own.

But I was beginning to find myself again. I knew it was wrong that he found someone else so quickly. I talked to my friends about it and my ex hated me doing that. They all said it was wrong. My ex turned it all round on me, saying I just couldn't cope with him seeing someone else. I said it was difficult but it just helped me fall out of love with him.that I was starting to see him differently. He didn't like that either. I realised that I had stopped properly talking to my friends.

I have begun to look at my own family and my childhood. This will be hard as my brother and mother are both dead and my father is severely disabled and unable to speak following a stroke. I don't have many memories of my childhood but I remember waiting for my mum to come home from work from quite a young age. I remember being so happy when i heard her arriving. I don't remember ever being liked very much. Just writing that I'm thinking is that true? I don't really know but I think so.

[maria1]

That posted too quick. I don't remember an unhappy childhood. I was popular with friends but I don't remember feeling particularly loved or liked by my family. I was just 'there'. I looked after myself but I always thought that served me well and made me strong. I feel I am stronger than my ex right now and I don't want to feel intimidated by him, nor do I want to intimidate back. He will tell the police I'm mad, they may well believe him, he convinces everybody.

I just need him gone and I need to keep me and my children safe. I don't know how to do that. I know it has to be absolute NC but I can't move away.

[patientandclear]

2010, I think you cut about a year off of my healing process with that post above.  Profound thanks.

[marbleloser]

Maria,don't stop the police if he's harrassing you.

I think what 2010 means by that(warfare) is, don't try to out do him ,don't try to out think him,and don't continue the dance with him.Go strictly NC,no matter what! You can't reason or out think this disorder.

You calling the police is a boundary,and a good one!It tells me you've had enough and it will tell him also.Alot of what those with BPD say,and do,is a bluff.A lie.Things are sometimes done methodically to make you afraid,when in truth,they're the one's scared and will back down once a firm message is sent.Like the police visit.

There are others though,that are downright mean,almost sociopathic.There's no one size fits all mold. But remember this,his ex is still around.She's still ok.That tells me you'll be ok too.One thing that gets us nons is our distinct ability to "over think",ruminate,worry,or over analyze.It works against us when we deal with a BPD partner.

You'll be ok.Just keep your guard up and a watchful eye.If you're like me,this will happen naturally.

DON'T stress yourself worrying and over thinking.I did that and suffered from PTSD because of it.Stay here and post.Let us know how things are going and the good people here will help any way they can.

[maria1]

Thank you marbleloser. I think it's a boundary that's very clear- the police present him with the fact that I asked him to stip emailing, now please can he do it. He is given a piece of paper to sign too though he may choose not to.

Now I have to decide whether to delete the email address or keep it so I have evidence in case he persists in emailing me. I can then press charges of harassment.

But this doesn't serve my NC as it's supposed to be about me and I shouldn't be checking for his email. So I'm thinking I'll delete the email address. He'll know it's gone if he tries to use itsi he can't harass me through it. If he tries another way I'll deal with that if and how it happens.

I'm still not absolutely decided though. The police woman said delete the address. It won't help you move on otherwise.

I can totally understand how you ended up with PTSD. They mess with our heads. I hope you have it behind you now marble loser. Thank you for your support x

[bpdfamfan]

outstanding post, 2010.

I need to re-read it a few times.  It's not only true in (love) relationships, but family, friend, etc.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thanks for the awesome post, 2010. 

[Butterfly78]

2010, I think you cut about a year off of my healing process with that post above.  Profound thanks.

I feel the same way. I'm going to print that out and keep it nearby when I start getting upset.

[2010]

I'd set my email to bin his messages, but I checked the bin. Then the emails start. Firstly nice, then a bit nasty, nothing threatening, just stuff about money he wants me to pay for the trip. I responded at first (a mistake, I know). Gave the explanation he asked for, he came back with more questions. Told him to please leave me alone. I haven't responded to the last 4. The latest one said give me the name of your solicitor (I told him I'd got legal advice through work) or I'll ring your office and get it myself.

So tonight I have had the police here. They are going to warn him to stop contacting me or he may be charged under anti harassment legislation. He will not understand how I can do this to him. And now I just feel so very sad. He relied on me to explain stuff, to keep him centred and give him a sense of calm. Now I'm just enraging him.

When a person_

[Mystic]

The person I knew a few months ago would have listened to me.

The person that you thought he was would have protected you from the person that he is. The attraction of the good part time person cannot be reconciled with the part time bad- this is the sad reality of Borderline personality disorder. The whole person does not exist. In the beginning of your relationship, the bad was merely mirroring your good. Now you are seeing yourself as bad because that is what he sees in himself- except that now he's moved on to a new version of good in this new tryst. In time she will be turned bad as well. It's a disorder.

"I have met many altruistic, empathic rescuers in this situation.  Most are well defined individuals; I believe these get in touch intuitively with a Borderline and think they can heal this person if they only love them enough. The need for someone to idealize, admire, look to for guidance is perhaps an especially dangerous one. When these persons are let down by their partner they may sink into a loss of hope wider than pain of the abusive relationship itself._

[myself]

Stop projecting your good qualities onto him.

2010, such a great post, one of so many. Deep and truthful.

This line of yours, above, brought such relief from seeing it this way.

Such a simple thing but held onto so tightly for so long.

Now I will be able to release it.

Thank you.

[maria1]

2010 Thank you so much- there is so much in your post for me to read through several times and digest and use to work and reflect.

I saw the police and I showed the police woman the emails. She asked me if I wanted the police to give him a warning under the Harassment act (UK law). I said I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if it would inflame the situation. The police woman said  cannot 'I advise you it is your decision'. But she then said something very important- she said 'You told me you want him to stop'. That made me say yes I do want him to stop, yes serve him with the warning.

So they did- this afternoon she called to say they had done so. I also deleted the email address this morning. The police woman said the same as you 2010. She said for my own health I needed to delete the email address so I did. I then realised I am waiting for the next attempt at contact so I am changing my work number and getting his email blocked at work- he hasn't tried to use these yet but I don't want to be always waiting for when and if he does.

The last one I have is my land line number and this is a link to my past with old friends who may still have it. But every day I have had withheld numbers showing when I get home. I have been unplugging the phone when I am in. So I need to change that number now I think. Half of me is still waiting for the rational person to contact me. I need to be prepared for him turning up at my house and I need to look inwards as you say 2010 and see how I am willing to keep being betrayed by this person because that is what would happen if I allowed any form of contact.

I must look at JADE because it is exactly what I do and I hadn't heard it before. Counselling is 6 months away but my friends are good and they know that I must have no contact with this man. They know that it will destroy me. I must remember that I heard him tell my 9 year old daughter 'you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.' I laughed and said 'Mia, he said that to me a few weeks ago'. He looked at me with hatred. And I totally excused him.

I must remember that he asked us to go away to a holiday cottage because he was working away for a few days. I took the massive decision of letting him into my children's lives. I paid for the cottage. He drove down separately but joined our journey halfway. He was ringing me on hands free my children could hear, criticising the route I was taking and I was saying take your own route then. My children were pulled in by him and told me I wasn't being nice to him. I paid for everything that trip, fed him every night and he made me put my kids to bed without staying with them as I usually did so that he could have time with me. The whole trip was for him. He took my daughter to the Uggs shop and drove miles to find a McDonalds for my son. He obligated them and they were hooked now as I was. Now, even if he was properly horrible to me I couldn't leave him because I would be denying my kids from him and he knew that would be impossible for me. I only just realise that now.

I must remember that he would keep me awake with sex all night when I was ill or really tired and I would let him, thinking he was showing me how much he loved me.

I must remember that he told me intimate stuff about my replacement, that she wasn't as good as me, that he will be using that against her in his abuse of her. That he told me she was sexually 'f**d up' but I still saw condoms in his wallet- he was still using her for sex or planning to. I must remember that he will be saying to her 'this isn't just sex' as he said it over and over to me and to who knows how many other women.

I must remember all those things and countless others and I must remember that I thought loving him meant I kept on taking it BUT I DIDN'T. I stopped. Many times I left and said no- don't treat me like s**t. I'm not a dog to keep on getting up when it gets kicked. But then I forgave and went right on back. I thought he would kill himself. I have had a lot of loss in my life and more would be hard to take.

He hadn't got as bad and abusive as he would have done- this was just the beginning of the abuse. I stopped it and I need to remember that most of all because it gives me strength. I couldn't accept what he was doing by telling me how much he loved me and fancied me and we had to be friends forever while still seeing this other woman. (It was her that I was thinking about though more than me and that's a concern. I don't seem able to put myself first.) I refused to pay for the trip. I've brought in the police to say this is what will happen next- you will be charged. In our last text conversation before I changed my mobile number he tried veiled suicide threats- I rang his doctor. When he raged at me for that I said that's what I will do if you threaten suicide. I was and am laying down boundaries.

I am at the start of a long journey but my ability to say no opened the door to the right road and it will help me down it. Thanks again 2010

[maria1]

This I must remember above all else and I'm going to write it everywhere for the time being:

         'Remember, when someone shows you who they are: believe them.'