The BPD need for quick/impulsive marriage/living together/commitment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

F that. They don't have a mental illness. I hate thinking of it that way. They have a PERSONALITY DISORDER. This is their PERSONALITY. I person with a mental illness can't just turn off the mental part whenever it suits them. I've seen my exBPDgf treat people with the utmost respect and humility in work situations, then turn around and treat me like a three year old demon.

i think experts have it wrong. i still think its a mental illness, these people can forget about you like you never existed. all that splitting black crap isnt normal either.  my sweet soon to be x-wife of 7 years, just flipped out of nowhere. only god knows whats going on in their head being so evil, immoral and unapologetic.

[icesoul]

F that. They don't have a mental illness. I hate thinking of it that way. They have a PERSONALITY DISORDER. This is their PERSONALITY. I person with a mental illness can't just turn off the mental part whenever it suits them. I've seen my exBPDgf treat people with the utmost respect and humility in work situations, then turn around and treat me like a three year old demon.

i think experts have it wrong. i still think its a mental illness, these people can forget about you like you never existed. all that splitting black crap isnt normal either.  my sweet soon to be x-wife of 7 years, just flipped out of nowhere. only god knows whats going on in their head being so evil, immoral and unapologetic.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I've seen my exBPDgf treat people with the utmost respect and humility in work situations, then turn around and treat me like a three year old demon.

It's common for people with BPD (pwBPD) to restrain their emotions and appear to be fairly normal at work, church and community situations or with friends.  They hold back the feelings, as long as they can, and they release them where they feel most comfortable.  Generally a partner or some family member is the unlucky person.  I like the way NotWendy describes it: "They say something horrible and hurtful and puke out the bad feelings. Like a kid with a stomach ache, they puke and feel better. But they puked on you."

[hopealways]

I have an insight that my gut tells me is spot on. I think that my ex, and perhaps many of the BPD ex's in our lives, wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them - less of an abandonment threat because of the difficulties of divorce and the "try to make it work at all costs" attitude that's supposed to come with a marriage.

Secure in a marriage, the BPD can have the parent they dreamed of, the nurture, the home they never had, the security and all of the things THEY WANT, while continuing to go out and sleep with other people and do whatever they feel like without regard for THEIR responsibility to the commitment they made.

It's one sided. In my case, if I had married her she would have finally had the father and the sense of home she never had. She could then go out and find a mate, because you can't mate with your father. I would be relegated to fathering and unconditional love while she can be the child that can go out and "keep looking" and have affairs.

This fits her behavior in her previous marriage - he was a good guy. She had an affair and the guy ended it because he was freaked out that she was married - why wasn't SHE freaked out that she was cheating? It was an affair with actual feelings, not just sex - a severe betrayal. I would be consumed with guilt if I did that. She had no sense of her own commitment. She said her marriage was boring - blame. Like a sociopath. No guilt, No remorse. Able to come home and act the part to the man that actually loved her, her husband, that provided for her and took care of her. Of course when the affair dumped her she tried to go back to the H and he wouldn't.

Very well said. People fill roles in their lives. The "good guy" is their safety blanket while they get other external validation by sleeping around.

[Dutched]

I'm not sure this is exactly correct.  It discounts the role that we played in the relationship.  pwBPD don't entrap, they mirror.  They offer themselves up to us.  Far from being in the dominant position, they make themselves so submissive that they mirror us.  They are willing to shape themselves to whatever they perceive we most want.  They give themselves to us sexually, even as they can often feel deeply ashamed for it.  They also idealize us.  They adore us.  We are their champion, their hero, their savior.  We are all their dreams come true.  These are survival strategies for a pwBPD.  This is not about control.  If anything, they are offering up themselves to be controlled (which they will then bitterly resent us for).  You are absolutely correct that pwBPD want attachment in return, but to say that we are entrapped is to seriously shirk our own role.

We are the ones that eagerly participated in this relationship.  Why was that?  Why did we respond so powerfully to the mirroring and idealization?  Why were we so eager to be in the dominant, one up position?  What might this have been providing us?  What might have our partner been soothing inside of us, just as we soothed them?  These are extremely important questions to be asking ourselves.  

SPOT ON cosmonaut, spot on!

[roberto516]

I'm not sure this is exactly correct.  It discounts the role that we played in the relationship.  pwBPD don't entrap, they mirror.  They offer themselves up to us.  Far from being in the dominant position, they make themselves so submissive that they mirror us.  They are willing to shape themselves to whatever they perceive we most want.  They give themselves to us sexually, even as they can often feel deeply ashamed for it.  They also idealize us.  They adore us.  We are their champion, their hero, their savior.  We are all their dreams come true.  These are survival strategies for a pwBPD.  This is not about control.  If anything, they are offering up themselves to be controlled (which they will then bitterly resent us for).  You are absolutely correct that pwBPD want attachment in return, but to say that we are entrapped is to seriously shirk our own role.

We are the ones that eagerly participated in this relationship.  Why was that?  Why did we respond so powerfully to the mirroring and idealization?  Why were we so eager to be in the dominant, one up position?  What might this have been providing us?  What might have our partner been soothing inside of us, just as we soothed them?  These are extremely important questions to be asking ourselves.   

I agree wholehartedly with the second part of this. And most of it in general. We can only look at ourselves and work on us. It's the only person we can actually change. However, I wanted to just mention the control part. Someone with BPD traits, personality is in a never ending search for control. The persevering theory states that they enter into relationships to find their ideal attachment (parental figure). However, which human being doesn't do that in a relationship 

Anyway, although in the beginning they might seem submissing and willing to cater to us it is all a lure. Once the relationship develops you really start to see how they break down boundaries and all those idealizations are now replaced with self-centerdness, abuses, etc.

My main point was that if they are idealizing someone and find them to be the perfect partner they finally feel like they are in control. It's a relief for them to FINALLY have found, subconsciously, the never ending loving parent who will take care of me and never let me down. They are, for a brief moment, finally in control of their situation. They don't have to worry about finding love anymore. But then we all know how that cycle goes. Just wanted to give my input. I could be wrong though. I'm no expert after all.

[Happy1]

This all rings true. My uexBPDgf told me straight to my face as we were detaching that she'd met someone at work who adored her. I knew the guy from years before when we were on a  little league swimming team together. Nice guy. Very popular with the ladies, but even better. He was from the same HS she was from, just a year younger. She had been a varsity cheerleader and I'm sure he was part of the popular kid crowd during his time there. At any rate, she told me that xxx had come to her and said, "(uexBPD girlfriend name omitted)You're the coolest person! I want to marry you!" Of course, it stung me at the time, but soon there after we had a fight and that was all she needed to start her involvement with him. Meanwhile, she tried to reconcile with me, but I'd already been through two years of heck with this person and was completely worn out. During our relationship, I tried to get her to commit to me and in the early stages, it was me that wanted us to move in together, but she resisted. Then she started cheating on me and I hung in there for two years, like I said.

Well, fast forward, after her convincing Mr. Wonderful that she was relationship material, they soon moved in together. She bought a car just like his, same color and everything (mirroring). I spoke with her once or twice during this phase and by then she'd rejected all of the mirroring things she'd done in our relationship. In the end, they got married after living together for several years. They have a couple of kids and they share the same occupation, photography, but have separate business in the same home.

I got an unsolicited xmas card a few years back (not sure why, charm?). In the form xmas card she said that the youngest was two years old, acting up and that she regretted having lost her nanny that year. Then she went on to say what a wonderful job her husband had done taking over the child rearing while she got her in home photography business off of the ground. She also added that he had done a wonderful job of fixing their Queen Ann style home's front porch and having spent endless hours painting each of the many spindles a variety of decorative colors.

When we were together she told me she never wanted kids and that she had a huge fear of committing to someone due to her absent father growing up, but that she was also afraid of being alone.

So, now she's not alone, ever. The guy sounds like he works an 8+ hr. a day job and then goes home to raise the kids. Meanwhile, knowing her, all of her wants and desires come first. She's very materialistic and all about appearances so, on FB everything looks just perfect.

In my years of thinking about what I experienced with her and answering some of my own questions about why I got involved with this person, all I can think of is, people are really just objects to her. They have a place or a framework that they're suppose within in her life. She's acutely aware of how to act around others in public to appear like she has all of her sh!t together, but to know her up close is to see the cracks in the facade and to experience her rage if any one of the objectified individuals resists, questions her motives, or expects anything in return. As others have said here, it's about her feeling safe and secure, while looking good, and portraying an identity of some kind, even if much of it is plagiarized or ripped off from someone else's identity (husband's).

Now, I know why she said, when we dated, why it wouldn't work out. Because it couldn't. I didn't hear it at the time and didn't believe it, but she had no sense of her true self and knew she was vacant. I represented a threat to her, because I questioned her on many things (ethics, empathy, reality, etc.) and that caused her to reject me in the interim until she felt safe enough to return. Once she found someone with all of the previous social status, desirable occupation, and ability to not really question her much on things, she decided to settle down, because time was running out to be married by a certain age and other candidates didn't check as many of her boxes for the security and safety she was seeking with the least amount of risk.

In many ways I feel sorry for the dude. I'm just glad it wasn't me. I also, feel sorry for her, because she's had to live with BPD her whole life. I congratulate her for doing well and having a fairly stable relationship (or so it appears) for so many years. I fee good about having had a better life without her and having my relationship with her spur me to be much more self reflective and introspective. I wish her and the hubby all the best.

[kentavr3]

TO
abovebeyond:

your story is mine! )
 I'm husband #2!:))
 God! Why it so same?

[JaxWest]

I have an insight that my gut tells me is spot on. I think that my ex, and perhaps many of the BPD ex's in our lives, wanted to GET a commitment while not PROVIDING one. Getting a commitment provides security for them.

Makes total sense! It is about them. Others are wrong, so they should be changed into what the BPD wants. The BPD should be free to seek out others though. Ex BPD latched on after a couple of dates and wanted to have my life planned. Possible BPD friend gave sign after sign like she was trying to get my attention... .wanted say in my life that "colleagues" typically do not have or want. Like she wanted me to focus on her, but she was free to do whatever. Both cases, I felt like I was being groomed to what they wanted.