non functioning/how to make the break

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you actually make the break?

She is non functioning. Can't do anything by herself. Except maybe take a short walk. Has been in therpy for years. Wants help. Afaid to go somewhere. Very frightening thing when you have BPD

She doesnn't know it and only has traits.

I'm so tired of this I just want out. She does to one day, then next wants to make plans?

How do you sit down and decide. So hard for me.

2nd long trem marriage for both of us.

I feel so littel for her .

We are stuck. Where to start.

I've read all the help on here.

Sorry.

[Henry II]

How do you actually make the break?

She is non functioning. Can't do anything by herself. Except maybe take a short walk. Has been in therpy for years. Wants help. Afaid to go somewhere. Very frightening thing when you have BPD

She doesnn't know it and only has traits.

I'm so tired of this I just want out. She does to one day, then next wants to make plans?

How do you sit down and decide. So hard for me.

2nd long trem marriage for both of us.

I feel so littel for her .

We are stuck. Where to start.

I've read all the help on here.

Sorry.

[OnceConfused]

How to make the break ?   

Do you mean how to leave the r.s. or how to break the barrier with BPD?

Henry, you summarized it quite well that is "SHE IS NON-FUNCTIONING.". I guess you mean she is very much a dependent person. If that is then it would be a frightening feeling to have someone 's burden on your shoulders.

This is your 2nd marriage so you have had some experiences with marriage, and then bad relationships as well.

Here is my thoughts as you ask:

1. Take inventory of your past relationship. If you don't know what caused the first divorce then you are doomed to repeat it. Ask questions to yourself such as , "what part of your first marriage worked and what parts did not , and then WHY?" "what did you learn about the experience in your first marriage". "Were there anything that you can do or change if you had the chance to restart again in the 1st one?"

Once you have a clearer understanding of what had happened then you can take that into the 2nd part.

2. take inventory of your current relationship. What are working and what are NOT?.

3. Ask yourself what are the must have characters in a mate? what are some that can be compromised? what are some that cannot be compromised at all?

4. Again, now you will have a better assessment of where things are, then you will have an easier time to make decisions, be it staying or get out.

[Empty]

How do you make the break?

That's an easy answer ... .You leave and don't come back.

The difficult part of the answer is all the details and debris that comes from leaving. it sounds like you are caught in FOG and it weighs heavily on you.

Reflect on your past relationships and your current marriage. Reflect on how you want your life to be. Reflect on just how far your responsibility to your W goes and how much you are prepared to sacrifice and lose in order to keep her in a comfortable place.

When you are able to answer these honestly then you will have your answer. that is the time when you will act and once you act then you need to have the resolve to stand by it.

[Henry II]

I cannot believe it had been over 2 years since I posted this and never followed up. Thankyou both for responding.

It is such a long story I just don't have the energy.

I have just finished reading Ben Dobs book "When Hope is not Enough". I had known about validating for a long time but have not always practiced it. I read 'Men are from Mar, Women are from Venus" years ago. And learned to listen.

   However I was not knowledgable about 'Invalidating" and how it affects BP's. So, I have begun to stop any invalidating I may have done and started to validate more.

She is very much dependent on me and I blame myself for letting myself be manipulated into that over the years. I come from a very functional family whereas she comes from just the opposite.

   She has been in therapy most of her life and although they are good for getting her along, they have only bandaged the symptoms.

   These last few years she has gotten much worse. She will be 62 saturday. She is not happy at all and although we are together constanly we are NOT together.

The family she grew up in was chaotic. Anything thing that went wrong was cause for ALARM and blaming. Not in my family. Absolutly never a fight between my parents. Hers all the time.   

Of course nothing is EVER her fault.

I believe she suffers from Post Tumatic stress. So does her T.Everything that ever happened to her ages ago is brought up periodically  and especially if I was involved and is  my fault all over again. I am getting tired of it all.

  How can I just walk out. She has only 1 close friend and only e-mails her. Out of 5 siblings only really talks to 1. They are all messed up too. Out of 6 only 1 has a FT job. 1 is worse off then her. What a family.

Here are her issues as known to us.

1. panic and anxiety disorder

2. real fear of abandonment

3. orthorexia

4. alcholism,stopped consuming 26 years ago but replaced with sugar addiction and binges to feel good. Consiquently is now condida overgrowth.

Can't get to the dentist for needed work.

Can't wait in a waiting room while I get the oil changed

We can't get anything done that needs to be done unless it is for her.

She has a stuck colon. Hemoroids. and just found out she has a high lead count. So she is over the top emotionally.

She is a health nut and only into holistic/alternative meds. No presciption for her.

She cannot take any scrpts as she has a very sensitive body. Hert races etc. Also won't take any thing to help her. Does not like to lose control and is afraid of long term affects of drugs.

Extremely well self taught medically. Has too many caregivers as she looks for answers to her conditions. Shw is aware that a lot are emotionally driven but refuses to get help in a inpatient pklace.

So, she try's but gets to a point where she is doing great then falls off the wagon, eats gobs of uncooked brownie mix , oa whole cake "in the closet". Then talks and talks going over her whole life again. It's like "Ground Hog Day the movie".

I am trying to practice Ben Dobs. suggestions. I hope I can get to the next step.

Thanks for listening. Henry

[adventurer]

Henry II thanks for updating.  I am also in a situation where I am hesitant and feel guilty when I think about leaving due to how little my wife does for herself.

Perhaps the book Codependent No More may help you.  Maybe a group meeting like codependents anonymous.  I am hesitant to give my two cents because I am struggling myself but from my perspective it seems like you need to take responsibility for your own happiness first and foremost.  She should be taking responsibility for hers.  If she is unable to, that is no fault of yours.

Good luck.