The Grief Process - Bargaining

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Leaving Board,

Starting this thread to check and see how familiar members where with the Grief Process.  One part of the grief process is Bargaining.  

Bargaining

Bargaining

You try to negotiate to change the situation.

In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change". 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Do you find yourself bargaining now?  Did you bargain while you were in the relationship?  What were some of the things you see yourself bargaining for?

[GreenMango]

Hi Leaving Board,

Starting this thread to check and see how familiar members where with the Grief Process.  One part of the grief process is Bargaining.  

Bargaining

Bargaining

You try to negotiate to change the situation.

In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change". 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Do you find yourself bargaining now?  Did you bargain while you were in the relationship?  What were some of the things you see yourself bargaining for?

[nocrazy]

Oh, Lord.

I bargained it all.

I bargained over and over again, against all odds.

Too may to list...

Ill start with the rehab though. I knew ot was done, but when he said rehab, I thought, yes. That will do it.

I thought more money would solve things.

I thought giving him a lot of freedom would solve the issues.

I tried to be more submissive, like a really nice girl, then tried to be stronger than I wanted to be, trying to make it work, because THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING... .that would make it work.

I thought more sex would help.

I thought fawning over him might be what he needed.

I was with him for 10 years. I tried it all. The relationship should have ended in the 2nd year.

I have our gorgeous son from it, so it is not a total regret.

[bb12]

This is wonderful GM - and the source of my greatest shame

I only realized recently that bargaining equals trying to control

But we can never control another person, only ourselves.

I bargained a lot within the r/s but even more out of it. And when he acquiesced or conceded and begrudgingly did what begged of him, it never felt good. I would do over-compensatory things like pay for everything, flatter him, while he gave me nothing. His mere presence was meant to be his demonstration of compromise... .Of reciprocity.

The emotion we feel is doubt or anxiety about how they feel about us... .What they're thinking. So what we are really trying to control, by controlling them, is our own anxiety levels!

Our core beliefs tell us we are not worthy of love, so we choose a partner who will confirm that belief.

We must find a way to lower our anxiety levels that does not involve them!

So why not work on ourselves and change the core belief

Bargaining's for the birds!



Bb12

[Neglecture]

Much of the bargaining that occurred between me and my exBPDgf involved me making many concessions to align with her OCD tendencies as well.  I asked her how I could make my house more accommodating for her and she gave me a list of no less than 25 items... .most of them were simple items that I readily took on as they actually improved my home. But the fact of the matter was that the even when the entire list was compete there was always something.  She could never be satisfied... .I had to cut my hair, or it was the way I dressed, or they words I used to greet her.  She was hypersensitive and there's no bargaining that will help resolve that.

She wanted me to stop volunteering so I could spend more time with her.  Her work schedule was crazy back then, and when I called her on it, she says that's different, its for work.  I said, wait a minute, a commitment is a commitment and I have a responsibility to the events and organizations I pledged my time too.  She couldn't process that very well... .

Also I thought that my romantic gestures would be appreciated and valued, but no matter how many amazing things you do for pwBPD they will never offset the small trivial items that sting them and form the abandonment and rejection fears that undermine the relationship.

[sirhero]

I gave up bargaining after awhile. I realized that whatever I did would never be good enough or would be forgotten when a rage moment happened. Though everything sweet I did would surface when recycle attempts were made and I was painted white again.

[T. Moore]

I bargained a lot also over the 10 year r/s.  I found myself consistantly compromising my own values to appease her in the hopes that she would become a better person, that she would stop lying, cheating, and drinking/abusing drugs.  After her overdose, hospitalization and 1 month of treatment counseling a few years ago, I hoped and prayed that things would get better.  It did for a while but then I found myself bargaining again and did everything I could to get her back into couseling.  I could not force her, as she blamed me for the previous hospitalization.  I feel that even now I am having to bargain with her in terms of our children.  Great Topic GM!

T. Moore  

[maria1]

I feel myself bargainig now in grief in a similar way to when I have lost people to death. Except BPDex is very much alive. NC however is about making him dead to me and me dead to him.

I think bargaining in grief is about fighting acceptance. It's a necessary stage to get to acceptance.

I think i am moving in and out of bargaining currently. it goes like this:

If I bump into him and just say the right thing or react in the right way he'll remember everything that was good. He will see the light, understand he is ill and all will get better;

If I maintain strict NC he will not cope without me because he really did love me. This will cause him to seek therapy and get better.

Neither of these are realistic. They are based in fantasy and denial. But the bargaining stops the pain of full acceptance of his disorder. Because full acceptance of the disorder actually means accepting that the man I thought I loved and loved me more than anybody ever is dead. He's more than dead; he never really existed. The closest I can get to accepting that is grieving his 'death'.

No room for bargaining any more. Just cold harsh acceptance.

[Rise]

I did bargain quite a bit. It started with trying to lure my ex back in with promises of addressing my own behavior. I told her I wouldn't get mad at her anymore. I'd be there whenever she wanted me to. I'd get my life on track. Basically I was trying to show her that I could be the man that she wanted. Then I started bargaining on the nature of the relationship. I told her I didn't need a commitment. I just wanted to take things slowly. That turned into me telling her that if she wanted to date other guys that would be okay, as long as she wanted to date me.

I only realized recently that bargaining equals trying to control

bb is absolutely correct. It's about trying to regain control of the situation, and our partner. It's also one of the biggest indicators of a complete lack of control. And that's what's so scary about it. I was so desperate to just have any sort of control over what was happening that I was willing to make myself miserable. I know now that I never would have been happy with my ex dating other people, and the fact that I opened myself up to that possibility just shows how desperate I was.

In a strange way the bargaining stage turned into a rather positive experience. In my attempts to become a better person for her, it started me down the path to being a better person for myself.

[GreenMango]

I know I ended up compromising a lot to not end up feeling the depression and loss from grief.

[Arthur]

I have 27 years of bargining with my wBPD.

1 A better house will make her happy

2 More money will stop her assults

3 Turning a blind eye to her drug abuse will eliminate fights

4 ignoring her "flirting" because I did not want to seem to jealous

5 ignoring what "flirting" really meant because I was afraid of a break up

6 Marry her will settle things down

7 ignoreing naked photos with another man because she said it was my fault

8 believing no sex occured, they were just playing

I actually let her talk me into the several times I found evidence of her with otherr men that no sex occurred because there was no grafic photos of sex.  That lasted 2 years until I found a video on the internet of her with a different man.  Never underestimate how manipulative a BPD can be and where you end up when you bargin your soul away to keep your relationship.

Now I have no more capacity to bargin, I can't believe anything she says and she in turn shows no respect to anything.  Things are bad.  Boundries have no meaning to her so the story enters it's last chapter.  Great thread

Arthur

[athamandia]

funny thing is that my uBPDx did everything in his power to get ME back. I remember that he asked me to come to his house one day months after we broke up and wanted us to try again (for the millionth time... .and believe me, I loved him enough to try) and I just kept telling him I was confused by his treatment (emotional and verbal abuse) of me and his need to always be with someone else as soon as we broke up me. He said he only wanted to talk about our future and to not keep going backwards. Everytime I tried to address his/our issues, he didn't want to hear it. Anyway, so many more attempts later to try to stay together and it all blew up again. He's with another woman and I still wonder if I didn't do enough.  He claims that he never loved anyone so much as he loved me and that he realizes that things were not always easy for me or him during our relationship. He also said at some point that he couldn't wait for me to commit to him. So now I feel like the BPD and he appears to be the normal one.  Even though I know that I'm so much healthier without him, I feel horrible guilt at times. I think that maybe he will come around again. In the end, had I not gone back after our first breakup four years ago (when he piled up ALL my belongings in the driveway when I told him I was leaving after I saw his profile on a dating website that he purpously left on my laptop) I would have saved myself so many tears, embarrassment and more importantly my self-esteem.

[WhiteNinja]

athamandia: If you dont mind me asking, how did you go about finally breaking it off the final time. I fell into the bargaining stage last night (the exBPDgf was the bargainer) while I was in tears. I broke NC because 'good friend' convinced me it was the right thing to do... .WRONG. I heard all the things you said... never loved someone as much as me, truly loves me, wants to be with me forever, missed me so much, is having a hard time not jumping on top of me, wants to compromise and give it a second chance, etc. I remained in control of the situation despite breaking down in tears from the pain, lies, empty promises. I knew she was lying about everything because we have mutual friends who informed me about everything she had said/done after she dumped me on my birthday. Today she felt threatened by not having control over the situation so started giving me the "i dont want to live", "i want to die", "i dont want to be hear anymore", "why are you making this so difficult". I texted her mom as my therapist suggested to make her aware the suicidal threats, which she 'assured' me "she has everything under control and to not worry". After those threats against her life I am terrified to just go NC in fear of what she will do. I feel like I should just maintain control, no sex, minimal texting (one/two word responses), remain about me me me and not her and her needs. I dont know what to do and am scared ___less and I don't feel like pooping myself over this  ... .lame attempt at humor

[athamandia]

Hi WhiteNinja.

Well I just mistakenly deleted my lengthy answer to you. Ugh!

To sum it up, you must walk away now. Assuming you have no children, you must do it asap. Do not stay any longer out of a sense of FOG just as I did and so many others do. Five years were spent in agony, confusion, abuse etc. I knew I was way in over my head in terms of being able to handle it. It may be tough to consider walking away, but your self-esteem, heart and mind will be spared. I was forced to walk away by him this final time. Most times I left because of the mind games, silent treatment and emotionl abuse. Though his rejection of me has been so brutal for me to accept at times, it was the best gift he had ever given me. If you don't walk away, she eventually will. 

[doubleAries]

well, what a timely thread!

This is EXACTLY what I am involved in right now. And have been for 17+ years. I just yesterday moved into the "guest house" (actually a tiny camping trailer). My husband is not a BPD, he's a schizophrenic (actually doing a treatment that has had amazing results, but there are still lots of "negative" symptoms and I think my T--who is also counseling husband seperately from me right now--is hinting that there may be some schizoid PD issues). But I grew up with a uBPD witch mom. As a child I did not understand projection. Even though i understand it now, I am still susceptible to it. It is frustrating to identify a problem but have no idea what to do about it.

My marriage for the last 17 years has been very volatile. And i have spent an inordinate amount of time making up excuses for my husband and his really bad behavior. Most of the time, he ignores me and shuts me out completely. When i push for something a little more personal, he says he can't think of anything to say. If i continue to push, he gets angry and says/implies that i am a dramatic trouble-looking-for harpy. I then retreat and scrutinize myself endlessly for signs of this being true. I resolve to be a "better person"--quite being so selfish and try harder to accomodate him. I can sound pretty convincing to myself, with things like "we all have to accept people for who they are, and clearly I'm not holding up my end" (my mom regularly told me how selfish i was and even though i don't believe that, i apparently DO believe it--I worry about it ALL THE TIME) "maybe I'm just making too much about all this, maybe the problem is with me and I'm too needy and dependent, and i need to back off and learn how to be more self contained (husband regularly goes weeks--even months--without saying anything personal to me at all, only what is absolutely necessary to keep the household going---when i express to him I would like for him to give me a little more of his time, to show me that he cares about me, he becomes angry, rolls his eyes, lets me know in no uncertain terms that I am being "hysterical" and "impractical". I'm asking for some crumbs of affection and have come to believe somewhere inside myself that I'm asking for too much).

Each year, i become more and more worn down, beaten, defeated. It's pretty bad right now. I've spent the last few months (since learning from my T that there is a name for the hell i grew up in/with---BPD witch mom) introspective, seeing things differently than I ever have---same memories, different perspective. I understand now that it didn't matter what i did or didn't do as a kid, there was going to be a beating and a lengthy emotional/verbal rage. My alleged "coping skills" didn't work then. And they still aren't working now. And the problem is, i can identify this, but am at a loss as to what to do instead.

I really got pissed off at my husband last night over something he said (a justification for a previous cruel behavior, and dismissal of my attempt to explain the hurt I felt about the incident, and then told me the real issue is that I can't stand it if i'm not the center of attention. For crying out loud--I was headed to the hospital for major surgery and he he was making sure he was prepared for a fire or EMT call, so he could respond and go help someone else, leaving me to deal with my surgery myself). Then today, after my first night in the camp trailer, he was moping around. This is a regular pattern that i feel helpless to effect: He bullies me and belittles me until I stand up for myself, then he becomes the martyr, feeling sorry for himself for having to endure my "lectures" and "wrath" (as he calls it--this works out nicely for him--as a kid, any attempts by me to establish--let alone enforce--boundaries with my mom were labeled DEFIANCE. I do not engage in "wrath". In fact, i feel pathetic in my pleading for him to stop treating me so crappy, but he labels it "wrath" and then I devolve into scrutinizing myself for any sign of truth to this accusation, just as i did as a kid). So after months and months (years actually) of utter neglect, all of a sudden, husband conjures up a pouty face, an awkward hug, a pat on the shoulder in passing, a kiss on top of the head. That's the best it gets. And those crumbs of affection usually get the desired effect--I'm so pathetic and desperate that all is forgiven in exchange for a pat on the shoulder. Except i don't really feel like it anymore. But still, i found myself today telling myself "well, see? When he finally gives me what I've been asking for, I turn it down. See? That proves the problem is ME." But i already know this movie: the pat on the shoulder (gee, could he spare it?) is a manipulation. As soon as i cave in, all goes back to exactly what is was before. I'm crawling around like a pathetic junky, begging for attention of any kind from a brick wall, while he easily convinces me that i'm too demanding, impractical, selfish, rage filled, and a drama queen. I spend my life utterly alone, with another person in the immediate vicinity who is not available and wants me to believe there is something wrong with me for wanting to be friends, to be intimate, to want to share our lives in more than simple physical proximity. i don't have exacting specific lists of behavior I expect. It's so vague as to have become meaningless. When i reach the point I just can't deal with it anymore, and suggest maybe we aren't working out so well, he explodes and claims that this is proof that i am the cause of his low self esteem (it's my home and property and business--we work together--which i paid completely off long before i ever even met him) and the rug could be yanked out from under him at any time, because i'm selfish. And I've bent over backwards to try to prove this isn't true--to the point that I am absolutely miserable but afraid to throw him out, afraid to even tell him that HE'S the one who should move into the camping trailer.

Most of my bargaining is of the making up excuses and convincing myself that I'm to blame and need to shape up variety. But i've tried other bargainings too.

Husband often lets his unhappiness be known. He lets me know that he is a Stanford graduate, and were it not for the blasted bad luck of schizophrenia, he'd certainly not be in such a trashy place with such a 2nd rate wife and stupid job. Over the years, i have asked him uncountable times "then why are you here?" and his answer is "because I'm afraid to move out and start over--to have to find a new job, and new home". It took me 15 years to realize that the answer has nothing at all to do with me. Not because he loves me and wants to work things out, nothing like that. Just because he's afraid to start over. And I'm still putting up with it. I don't know why. I really don't. It's embarrassing, humiliating, and defeating. Why can't I stop this? What the hell is wrong with me?   

[doubleAries]

Lost track--was trying to tell about my other forms of bargaining. I've tried to accomodate husband in any way possible. If he's afraid to leave, he could stay here and we could be business partners. NO--not acceptable to him. He could leave and we could be business partners. NO. he could just leave. WAIL! Yanking the rug out from under him! I'm beginning to believe he likes the way it is. He can avoid personal responsibility for his own emotions (something forbidden in his FOO), has a willing pathetic vessel to project those unwanted and inconvenient emotions onto, and a facade for the rest of the world--who he wants to see him as "normal', non-schizophrenic, problem free, married man (whether it's true or not--and the image is more important than the substance).

For years, what has stopped me from just jumping in my car and running away (from MY home and business that I paid off years and years ago!) is that all this is in my name and the financial responsibility falls on me. And a newer reason: running away doesn't solve my inability to deal appropriately with these issues.

[patientandclear]

Oh DoubleAries, I so don't want you to spend the rest of your life in that situation.  It sounds like there is a lot of evidence that your husband is not ever going to provide you the emotional sustenance you want.  I think it is much lonelier to be with another person who withholds caring and insight and empathy from you than to be actually by yourself.  If in fact there is little reason to expect your H to be a better partner than this, I hope you can give yourself permission to make a major move and start a different existence without receiving the message daily from the most proximate person to you that you are of no interest.

I often think of your posts (you posted a while back about your partner when you were a very young woman who used the exact same phrases with you and other women, about how unique and special you were--a post that I've come back to again and again in my mind as I struggle to understand that these wonderful things my uBPDex said to me did not in any way mean I was unique or special to him).  It is evident that you are a very thoughtful, insightful, loving person.  You deserve so, so much better than the way you describe this marriage.

[Surnia]

Very interesting here.

And confusing too. I read trough your experiences... .and what about enabling? Is it more or less the same? Or is it more like this: In the rs, I was enabling a lot, like ignore his drinking, his problems to find work ... .and when the rs failed, I start to bargain to have him back?

Or be more precise about myself: I drunk my daily beer with him (while he drunk four), I was going for work of course, while he played "Angry birds".

Now while separeted, and thinking about divorce I find me perhaps willing to continue when he would go for work, stop drinking and go for counseling to work on his anger problem (wich is not very realistic,  ;p )

This is bargaining, I think.

[GreenMango]

Bargaining can be a lot of things.

Like:

Things aren't really that bad

If I just do more

If I complain less

If I ask for less

[doubleAries]

Bargaining can be a lot of things.

Like:

Things aren't really that bad

If I just do more

If I complain less

If I ask for less


BINGO!

Are you sure you haven't been lurking around my house and brain, spying on my conversations with myself? I've boiled them down to these exact words to save time, because the elaborations on each of these is no longer necessary... .

[GettinStronger]

I had bargained and bargained.  And like everyone else... .this never worked, it was never enough or to his liking or done the right way... .and his compromises were none... .why should he have to compromise?  ?What was ok one day was not ok the next day.  In retrospect, my life was a pure hell. 

[Surnia]

Thank you greenmango

For me definitly: If I do more

Variation: If I communicate better

And: If I file for separation, he will wake up, will apologize and run for a T!

About the last one I feel  a bit ashamed. So beyond reality!  ;p

Surnia

[santhony]

GM,

Thanks for posting, I didn't even realize some of the bargains I made over the years.  We do this a lot in AA and Alanon, which I'm new to Alanon.  We keep setting our limits lower and lower before we get help.  If this happens... .then I'll get help.  My wBPD was so manipulative and deceptive in bargaining and getting you to give concessions, I didn't even know what was happening.  When I would feel I gave up something, I would then try to do something for myself without asking and most of the time the "give and take" was so out of line it added further to the chaos and her control. 

For example:  We had a nice house in a nice neighborhood, we were given the down payment, were there for 3 years then gave birth to our 3rd kid and we had a 3 bedroom.  I remember spending a year trying to work with her and contractor to just add one room.  It was an unbelievably emotional experience... .nothing was right, the architect left one day and when we called him to come back, he never returned my call.  All my ideas were bad... .so all of sudden the best place to live was near her sister and brother on the other side of town.  Well all the houses in the new neighborhood were not good enough, however I got so emotional over leaving I found a huge house... .6 bedrooms, blah, blah and of course she loved it, so I was just happy to be on the "good" list and not have go through the process of finding reasonable house at an appropriate price.  Within 2 months we sold a house and where the payment was $1,800 a month to a monster house, payment $9,000... .so I took the bullet for that because I agreed when she found the house... ."oh yea we can do it", I'm going to be the night in shining armor.  Crash and burn, got out by the skin of our teeth and I ended up talking her into a small house around the corner that she hated, but we could rent it at a reasonable price... .she's in that house now, my stuff is on the side of the house. 

So true the bargaining was constant and I was always on the losing end.  Which leads to this... .in business, when someone is so unreasonable with their price and expectations, you have to just walk away, it's tough because some people make a very good case to lower price, and add more features, but with a BPD... .there is no deal, they don't want the features we have to offer and it's just a game to get you to give-up concessions (emotions, morals, friends, family, money, time, freedom), so they can control and protect, we're negotiating in two different worlds.  None of those items matter to a BPD, so they can ask for them there's no way you can get those items in return, like in business, they don't have anything to offer. 

I'm done bargaining, I am going to let attorneys, judges and mediators deal with her.  I've set my goals... .which should go on another post, but I will not take another offer from her, I have no intentions of seeing a list she may want to draft.  I'm lucky right now because she has a replacement, so I haven't been tested, and who know maybe I won't, maybe she'll marry this guy and they will live happily every after, in which case, he can get step up to the bargaining table with her and start paying.  I ended-up bargaining everything away.  I left with zero money and when I realized I only had my mom and sister and a couple friends to call, I was scared they wouldn't take my call because wBPD hated both of them and I supported all the alienation of my mom and sis.  Thank good, they waited with open arms and knew the day was coming and now offer so much support. 

Funny when she split me, I had just got a great job with a national company and full benefits.  She was in constant frustration over my income, and when I mentioned the job, after she said she needed to find herself, she replied... ."its not about the money", it almost makes me laugh now... .so BPD... .textbook BPD.  It will always be a chase, you will bargain for everything. She always sit and wait, unless it's so unattainable, then she'll pursue.  I ran out of things to give, in order to get her, to watch t.v. on the couch with me was a major production... .tried to tell her it's not about the t.v. show, it's just about hanging out and relaxing and talking about whatever show is on.  If she did concede, it was torture for her and me... .just to sit on the couch!  But when you are in the thick of it, it seems normal.  No more deals! No more pricing my emotions and relationship.  My future relationships will have compromise, but it won't like this last relationship, and I'm going to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

[broken but not beaten]

I bargained my own soul away to get a second chance with ex gf,to give so much of yourself to another just isn't healthy or a sustainable dynamic for a long lasting r/ship,of course I only see that now. I think she resented me when I couldn't make her happy no more,I'd given all I had and when I tried to speak up or have a voice it was frowned upon,I sold the fairy tale to her but couldn't sustain it,maybe I contributed to my own demise in a bigger way than I first thought.

[oricle]

Bargaining for me was bending over backwards, letting her take time to herself and doing whatever she wanted to do or asked of me to make sure that everything would be ok... .  i wouldn't get angry about it either, and it would win her back 3 times, every time changing myself and losing more of me in the process... .  

I didn't realise how stressed and angry on the inside it was making me, I went to the docs for a regular checkup on the last cycle because things were tough, i was stressed out and depressed and i didn't know what was going on, my blood pressure was high, other things were out of whack... .  after it all ended only a few weeks later... .  i went back to get results and did some retesting... .  blood pressure was closer to normal and all the other issues had subsided or returned to a normal range... .  it really is surprising what stress can do to your body and what we will endure and put ourselves through for the people we love!

[laidee]

I'm glad this post was bumped up!

I'm still in my marriage, but I do find myself bargaining. Didn't realize that's what i'm doing until I read about it here. I am guilty of:

• thinking if I change my behavior and do what he wants then things would be better



• paying for things for him (food, movies, bills)



• pretty much waiting on him and and foot (he's so needy at times)



• let him go out and not be upset that he stays out half the night

Yea... .  i'm seeing now that none of this matters and is further adding to my stress

[tailspin]

Oh I'm totally with bb12... .  the source of my greatest shame.  I bargained until I realized my self esteem was being shattered.  It's a horrible feeling to hit the bottom and I think bargaining is the fastest way to get there.  Because no matter what we offer as a sacrifice, no matter what we are willing to do or endure, nothing we can possibly say or do will ever be good enough.  So we are left alone with ourselves.  They are gone.  We remain.

This is when the tears come... .  and they flow without end it seems. 

I wasn't just bargaining with my ex.  I was bargaining with myself to avoid being alone.  Anything to not be alone.  Well, being alone is exactly where I needed to be.  When my sould was shattered I found out who I really was.  Looking up from the bottom and figuring out how I got there was the first step to healing. 

tailspin

[bb12]

I wasn't just bargaining with my ex.  I was bargaining with myself to avoid being alone.  Anything to not be alone.  Well, being alone is exactly where I needed to be.  When my sould was shattered I found out who I really was.  Looking up from the bottom and figuring out how I got there was the first step to healing.  

I have been alone most of my adult life. A few major relationships that all ended amicably, but I have mostly been a solo operator - and happily so... .  or so I thought! My exBPD got over my walls because I was lonely. I let him stay and abuse me because I was lonely. And I bargained for him to come back because I was lonely. Facing my alone-ness head on was the fruit of this Borderline labour. To realise I didn't know myself and was lonely because of it.

Consciousness more generally at all decision points and in all observations is the reward for this agony. And I can recognise that bargaining as mostly being with myself... .  and not really with him. I can see the fleeting but powerful impulses to contact him as actually being lapses in my self-esteem and not really a desire to reconnect.

12 months later, I have a brand new relationship... .  with myself. And I treat that person with the same respect and love I so freely gave to undeserving others all these years. For the first time, I choose the solo voyage over r/ships borne of need instead of desire and a more considered selection.

BB12

[tailspin]

I wasn't just bargaining with my ex.  I was bargaining with myself to avoid being alone.  Anything to not be alone.  Well, being alone is exactly where I needed to be.  When my sould was shattered I found out who I really was.  Looking up from the bottom and figuring out how I got there was the first step to healing.  

I have been alone most of my adult life. A few major relationships that all ended amicably, but I have mostly been a solo operator - and happily so... .  or so I thought! My exBPD got over my walls because I was lonely. I let him stay and abuse me because I was lonely. And I bargained for him to come back because I was lonely. Facing my alone-ness head on was the fruit of this Borderline labour. To realise I didn't know myself and was lonely because of it.

Consciousness more generally at all decision points and in all observations is the reward for this agony. And I can recognise that bargaining as mostly being with myself... .  and not really with him. I can see the fleeting but powerful impulses to contact him as actually being lapses in my self-esteem and not really a desire to reconnect.

12 months later, I have a brand new relationship... .  with myself. And I treat that person with the same respect and love I so freely gave to undeserving others all these years. For the first time, I choose the solo voyage over r/ships borne of need instead of desire and a more considered selection.

BB12

bb12... .  you just moved me to tears.  I am so proud of you and I'm so proud to know you.  I wish you were my neighbor.  You are most certainly my sister

tailspin

[bb12]

 

thanks Tailspin

Our journeys have been very similar - both in their chronology and healing stages

Proud of you too!

BB12

[Tormenta]

I had bargained and bargained.  And like everyone else... .  this never worked, it was never enough or to his liking or done the right way... .  and his compromises were none... .  why should he have to compromise?  ?What was ok one day was not ok the next day.  In retrospect, my life was a pure hell. 

Yes, exactly!

- He doesn´t want to make plans until the last minute to please his wishes - but it´s OK, I can wait.

- He makes his own plans without me without telling me a word until the last minute - but it´s OK, I can wait and make my own plans at the last minute

- He doesn´t compromise with me - it´s OK! It´s life, I can live the day and not worry for the future.

And at the end he just left me.

Very interesting topic!