Pregnancy with a BPD parent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So DH and I are expecting our first due in May.  Basically I ran out of excuses and had to face the fact that a big reason why I kept putting it off was because I didn't know how to deal with mother during and after the pregnancy and finally realized that it's stupid to let her dictate my life.  Now that it's happened I still have major anxiety about how to handle mother during this time.

As I mentioned in one of my previous threads I thought I was being tested after my brother sent her an email about boundaries and she waifed out in her reply and it turns out I was correct.  At that point I decided just to treat her the same way I treat my ILs so we told her this weekend when we told them. 

First she confirmed my theory that I was being tested to see if I'd call because she sounded irritated when she first answered and started asking about my dog who just had a growth removed that, thankfully, wasn't cancerous.  Then there was a random 5 minute tangent about baby food because I mentioned that was what had gotten the pup to eat and take her pills.  Then some complaining about my brother and his wife because they dared to visit my grandmother and father before visiting her.  Then she finally asked about my weekend.  I was supposed to go to a family wedding and DH had but I had stayed home because I wasn't feeling well (migraines shouldn't be allowed during pregnancy) but someone had posted a picture with DH and since she stalks us on Facebook she knew that's where I was supposed to be.  So I mentioned that I was supposed to go and that we were supposed to have MIL over for dinner that night but had had to cancel because I have a migraine.  She asked if I had taken anything and I said I couldn't because I'm pregnant.

O.M.G. is she excited! "When it rains it pours!" 

Then we proceeded to catalog how my pregnancy so far is similar to hers (it happened on the first try... .) and how it's different (I have morning sickness).  Well except, maybe she did have some morning sickness but she's awesome so she was able to handle it really well.  DH says I am, I disagree, but whatever.  Then came the helpful tips.  I should not be eating Pringles even though they help me not feel nauseated because they're not very nutritious.  I should be eating Special K crackers and cheese or chips because they're lower calorie... .not that I have to worry about that... .(sure, all those years of you telling me  "I was thin before I had kids too" was certainly not meant to give me a complex about gaining weight during a pregnancy... .).  But then in the next breath she's recommending a high calorie ice cream bar.  Not even one day into knowing and she's already trying to encourage me to get fat so she can feel better about herself. 

Then she was doing her best to mask her annoyance that I had known for 3 weeks and hadn't told her yet.  Again though, we didn't tell anyone until after we had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy since it was our first time at the rodeo and we weren't sure on which trip it happened so we didn't know for sure when I was due. 

Then she asked who else knew and I think was pretty ticked when I mentioned that we just got off the phone with my MIL and that she was supposed to find out at dinner that night and that we had texted the siblings to tell them before calling her.  But you could tell she was trying hard to conceal that lest she get another email about boundaries.

That email?  Yea, it'll be coming all right.  Her crowning glory of the conversation (before turning it back to her and complaining about how awful my brother treats her and giving me her version of his email and her response) was telling me she couldn't wait to lay with me.  WTH?   

One should not say things like that to an already nauseated woman!  And I had to promise to let her feel the baby kicking just once!  (Um sure, we won't be around you at all during that time so sure I'll say you can).

Unfortunately it seems as though the blissful silence I was experiencing while being tested (without her telling me I was being tested, cuz that's not childish at all) is probably over now as she ended with 'talk to you next weekend hopefully.'  Yea... .I think I might be busy then... .

So those of you with children, how do you make it through pregnancy and navigate the waters of having a new family and stay sane?  Am I on an 8 month countdown to nc?

I already got comments about how it's soo close to her birthday (it's a month away) and I'm sure that my unborn child will mess that up somehow.  My niece managed to ruin her chances to go to Florida  (despite her not being able to afford it and not being willing to board her dogs) in utero.

[LeftyA]

So DH and I are expecting our first due in May.  Basically I ran out of excuses and had to face the fact that a big reason why I kept putting it off was because I didn't know how to deal with mother during and after the pregnancy and finally realized that it's stupid to let her dictate my life.  Now that it's happened I still have major anxiety about how to handle mother during this time.

As I mentioned in one of my previous threads I thought I was being tested after my brother sent her an email about boundaries and she waifed out in her reply and it turns out I was correct.  At that point I decided just to treat her the same way I treat my ILs so we told her this weekend when we told them. 

First she confirmed my theory that I was being tested to see if I'd call because she sounded irritated when she first answered and started asking about my dog who just had a growth removed that, thankfully, wasn't cancerous.  Then there was a random 5 minute tangent about baby food because I mentioned that was what had gotten the pup to eat and take her pills.  Then some complaining about my brother and his wife because they dared to visit my grandmother and father before visiting her.  Then she finally asked about my weekend.  I was supposed to go to a family wedding and DH had but I had stayed home because I wasn't feeling well (migraines shouldn't be allowed during pregnancy) but someone had posted a picture with DH and since she stalks us on Facebook she knew that's where I was supposed to be.  So I mentioned that I was supposed to go and that we were supposed to have MIL over for dinner that night but had had to cancel because I have a migraine.  She asked if I had taken anything and I said I couldn't because I'm pregnant.

O.M.G. is she excited! "When it rains it pours!" 

Then we proceeded to catalog how my pregnancy so far is similar to hers (it happened on the first try... .) and how it's different (I have morning sickness).  Well except, maybe she did have some morning sickness but she's awesome so she was able to handle it really well.  DH says I am, I disagree, but whatever.  Then came the helpful tips.  I should not be eating Pringles even though they help me not feel nauseated because they're not very nutritious.  I should be eating Special K crackers and cheese or chips because they're lower calorie... .not that I have to worry about that... .(sure, all those years of you telling me  "I was thin before I had kids too" was certainly not meant to give me a complex about gaining weight during a pregnancy... .).  But then in the next breath she's recommending a high calorie ice cream bar.  Not even one day into knowing and she's already trying to encourage me to get fat so she can feel better about herself. 

Then she was doing her best to mask her annoyance that I had known for 3 weeks and hadn't told her yet.  Again though, we didn't tell anyone until after we had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy since it was our first time at the rodeo and we weren't sure on which trip it happened so we didn't know for sure when I was due. 

Then she asked who else knew and I think was pretty ticked when I mentioned that we just got off the phone with my MIL and that she was supposed to find out at dinner that night and that we had texted the siblings to tell them before calling her.  But you could tell she was trying hard to conceal that lest she get another email about boundaries.

That email?  Yea, it'll be coming all right.  Her crowning glory of the conversation (before turning it back to her and complaining about how awful my brother treats her and giving me her version of his email and her response) was telling me she couldn't wait to lay with me.  WTH?   

One should not say things like that to an already nauseated woman!  And I had to promise to let her feel the baby kicking just once!  (Um sure, we won't be around you at all during that time so sure I'll say you can).

Unfortunately it seems as though the blissful silence I was experiencing while being tested (without her telling me I was being tested, cuz that's not childish at all) is probably over now as she ended with 'talk to you next weekend hopefully.'  Yea... .I think I might be busy then... .

So those of you with children, how do you make it through pregnancy and navigate the waters of having a new family and stay sane?  Am I on an 8 month countdown to nc?

I already got comments about how it's soo close to her birthday (it's a month away) and I'm sure that my unborn child will mess that up somehow.  My niece managed to ruin her chances to go to Florida  (despite her not being able to afford it and not being willing to board her dogs) in utero.

[ringy]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am also due in May 

uBPmil was surprisingly OK during my first pregnancy, but then again, we didn't really see them much. As for the birth, I checked into the hospital in the middle of the night, and DH and I didn't tell anyone until after the baby was born and we were ready to see people. Beware, I have heard that BPs love to believe that their presence is crucial DURING the birth. Alert your doctors and nurses!

DS1 is now almost 15 months and to be honest, I am still struggling to figure out our boundaries. Within days after DS1 was born, ILs would come over to my house and sit around for hours on end just waiting for an opportunity to see the baby. No regard at all for what we, the sleep-deprived mess of new parents, might want or need. And we were just too overwhelmed and exhausted to even defend ourselves. They often offered to hold or take care of the baby to "help."

You may very well be on the verge of No Contact. As I said, I am still trying to figure this out. Up until recently, DS has been too young to understand what's going on (I won't go into details but there has been a lot of inappropriate behaviour, mostly involving ILs trying to win DS' affections, either them against us, or them against each other), but he's starting to get to an age where he's becoming perceptive. So I finally reached a breaking point where I realized (with the help of people here) that it will be damaging for him to be exposed to that as he grows up.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi LeftyA,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You're not necessarily on the road to No Contact, although you will have to set firm boundaries (as you already guessed) and be prepared to hold them, which may be difficult if you already know that your mother doesn't respect them. There are some things you can try (limiting visits, using Medium Chill) before you decide whether or not to go No Contact.

I didn't know that my mother has BPD until my DS was about 18 months old. What I'd suggest that you do, though, is determine how you'll handle your mother around delivery time (have a birth plan) and how much time you can afford to spend with her after your baby is born. Make it clear to her that you have a plan.

If she starts offering "helpful" tips, just tell her that you're working with your OB/midwife and thank her for the advice. My mother did the same thing and even though she huffed every time I said that I was working with my OB, it did get her off of my back.

Try as much as you can to limit stress right now!

[LeftyA]

Thanks for the input.  Mother will certainly not be allowed anywhere near the delivery room!  Thankfully, we live over 4 hours away and she refuses to drive that far and, unless I go much much much later than my due date, she'll still be working in school and unable to take time off so chances are slim that she'll even try to come down (she didn't try to go over for my niece's birth).

Honestly, I think I'm just going to limit contact with her as much as possible.  I've been working toward no contact and have always kinda known that kids would be the breaking point.  There have been a few close calls over the last year or so without a kid being thrown into the mix and my bullsh?t tolerance is zero at this point thanks to morning sickness/irritability/fatigue right now.  I didn't even have a problem telling her 'lay with you' comment was creepy.

Ringy, congrats to you too!  We're due date club buddies!  Oh, and if you are on any pregnancy boards, avoid a poster named BMCNeal on mothering.com.  She's a borderline as well and got quite ticked at me when I mentioned my mom was crazy and what she had.  It struck me as funny, my whole post about being nervous to tell my mother because of our strained relationship (due to her BPD) and the kernel she focused on was that I had called someone with BPD crazy.  Um... .it's a mental disorder, most people consider that a shade of crazy.  I was diplomatic in my response but there was a huge part of me that wanted to warn her future child.

[lm1109]

Congrats on the pregnancy!

I just had my 2nd baby boy in July. All I can say is do whatever is best for you and your baby right now. I should have went no contact during my pregnancy beecause of all the stress she put me through. I can deal with my mother in small doses ok... but when I was pregnant I HATED her, I could NOT deal with her at all and ended up losing it on her a few times... .which she LOVED! She loved to use my pregnancy as her "poor me, look what I have to deal with!" She would tell everyone(including me) how horrible I was pregnant and that my hormones were raging and made it out like she took care of me and I just abused her. Meanwhile she NEVER OncE came over and helped me with my 3 year old or helped me with ANYTHING even though she made it out to everyone that she did. She never mentioned ALL of the nasty things she did and said to make me get mad at her. She acted as if my WHOLE pregnancy was all about her! She would tell me how she told everyone "I cant believe she did this to ME... I cant handle another pregnancy!" OMG that killed me because she never helped me EVER... .unless she was "helping" me have a panic attack! She would call me up and tell me how horrible it is to have 2 kids and how this person and that person she knows is having such a hard time. She called me up once and told me my Dad was basically DIEING of cancer... .which I was SOO upset about, only to find out it was just a load of crap! She now tells me NEVER to get pregnant again and how happy she is that its over! My plan is to not even tell her next pregnancy until I am as far along as I can get... then stay as FAR away as possible!

This turned into a rant... . congrats again! 

[ringy]

Ringy, congrats to you too!  We're due date club buddies!  Oh, and if you are on any pregnancy boards, avoid a poster named BMCNeal on mothering.com.  She's a borderline as well and got quite ticked at me when I mentioned my mom was crazy and what she had.  It struck me as funny, my whole post about being nervous to tell my mother because of our strained relationship (due to her BPD) and the kernel she focused on was that I had called someone with BPD crazy.  Um... .it's a mental disorder, most people consider that a shade of crazy.  I was diplomatic in my response but there was a huge part of me that wanted to warn her future child.

Thanks for the heads up   I mostly hang out on The Bump. On a related note... .I swear that half of the women describe overbearing or controlling mothers or MILs who , IMHO, have clear BPD   (usually they don't seem to know about BPD). Maybe it's just me projecting, but it's scary.

[LeftyA]

Ringy, how is The Bump?  I keep trying to find a place where I fit and mothering.com can be a little crunchier than I am, babycenter seems to skew young.  The Bump is from the same people as The Knot, right?  I know I could only go there in small doses and they were a bit too mainstream for my tastes.  I'm looking for laid back, no judgement.

[mommasa]

Congrats on the baby!  My BPDmom wasn't too awful during the pregnancy - I told her that I couldn't handle any stress (had pre-eclampsia) and she actually toned her crap-o-la down quite a bit.  However, AFTER I had the baby - that was the most difficult time.  I think she felt like her matriarchal position was being threatened or was feeling abandoned b/c now I had a baby to focus on, or who knows what.  And I was super duper hormonal and ready to snap - bad combo! I echo everyone else's advice to have your boundaries in mind now and just wanted to add, in particular, to give yourself a huge no-crazy, no-stress, no-nonsense buffer the first few weeks after you have the baby and get your DH or a friend or family member on board to be your enforcer, if need be, so you don't have to worry about that either! 

[ringy]

Ringy, how is The Bump?  I keep trying to find a place where I fit and mothering.com can be a little crunchier than I am, babycenter seems to skew young.  The Bump is from the same people as The Knot, right?  I know I could only go there in small doses and they were a bit too mainstream for my tastes.  I'm looking for laid back, no judgement.

TB is an offshoot site from the people who created TK, and there are some people who have filtered over, but also a lot of people who are new. Depending on the boards, some are more judgy and snarky than others, but I find the birth month boards pretty tame. Maybe it's because I'm a second timer but I also have little patience for some of the silly questions, but I'm sure I was just as silly my first time around

[tiredmommy2]

Congrats on your pregnancy!

As horrible as my mother is, she actually wasn't that bad while I was pregnant... .Perhaps it was because she thought that I wasn't really pregnant!   For some reason, I really didn't show until I was 8 months along, so the entire time, she was on a, "Are you sure you're really pregnant?" kick, which at 7 months along turned into, "You can't be pregnant.  You're making this up!"  Really weird considering the fact that SHE was the one who always pretended to be pregnant whenever a guy would try to break up with her. 

Anyway, after I had the baby, she kept her distance (too busy chasing men around) until my daughter got old enough to talk.  It was at that point that she started in with her manipulation and drama... .If I had it to do all over again, I would have kept her away from my kids.  At minimum, I would have never allowed any unsupervised contact.

[LeftyA]

Oh yea she won't ever be alone with my child.  That's a given. 

Fortunately, I think she was sort of expecting visits and whatnot to drop off once we had kids since she's made remarks regarding that on several occasions.  And my brother set a nice precedent with his email about boundaries.  She's still calling me but not as frequently.  DH gets hopeful sometimes and says maybe it means she recognizes that... .and I stop him right there because I know that when she doesn't call she's just sitting at home thinking to herself that she has awful children who don't ever call her.  Oh well.

That's the nice thing about pregnancy... .my give a damn is broken. 

[Eva42205]

Wow... .This thread is SO helpful! Thank you for posting! I'm 25, have been married for 3 years, and am really struggling with the idea of getting pregnant. I adore kids, but the only thing I can think of is how I will be in a vulnerable position with my BPD mom. The idea of her knowing I'm pregnant just makes me have a panic attack. My husband is ready to start trying, and I think I am too, just very concerned for how my mom will act. I've thought about not telling her until like month 6, or lying about the due date. Bad ideas? Probably.

[bright_future_mama]

My BPD mother was a nightmare during my pregnancy.  I was no contact with her until I was about 6 months and then I just wanted a mom.  I know deep down she'll never be able to give me what I yearn for, but I just needed the "idea" of a Mom I think.  Then she threatened to kill herself while I was in labor and my husband actually told her not to come to the hospital.  So then my grandparents get upset with me for not letting her come and actually start talking to me about her drinking problem to me at the hospital while I'm in labor.  It was awful. 

It's been back and forth since then.  When she's good, she's GREAT and when she's bad, you better get the hell out of dodge.  I have four children and for the rest, we used a private birth center that didn't encourage visitors until after the birth.  So my husband and I never told anyone until we were about to leave for home with the baby!  I realize all don't have that option, but in my experience, you are so vulnerable during birth that your "triggers" don't need to be there.  Totally focus on you and your child.  Birth isn't a spectator sport. 

I have two girls and two boys and my Mom latches on to my eldest girl much more so than the boys and has already started her manipulations with her.  I just cannot allow that.  It makes for tension with my sisters (who are still very involved with my Mother-they are much younger than me) but my number one job is to protect my children.  So I just went no contact with my BPD mom.  I mean, I'm 40 and still not recovered... .how can I let her be around my children if she can do that much damage?

Good luck.  It's hard because I think traditionally a mother would help her daughter, teach her lovingly, make her comfortable, and pass the torch so to speak.  It's hard when the one person you should trust the most is the one you have to protect yourself from. 

Sending hugs for a happy and healthy pregnancy/birth.  Do not feel guilty for taking care of you and your child. 

[LeftyA]

Hi Eva!  I was confused when my old post showed new responses but I'm glad it could help you.  I can give you  an update on how everything went... . and it was not well.

My brother and SIL made it 3 months into the life of my niece before giving my mom the get help or give us space talk so I spent most of my pregnancy being the only child still in contact with her (cuz yea, her choice was obvious).  I got a few guilt trips from my mom's mom about their choice (um... . yea, cuz I almost did it... . ) but I made it pretty clear to mother that I wasn't going to discuss it or get involved in any way.

First she told my grandparents when I told her we were only telling immediate family.  She claims she figured they were, but no, they're not and she knows that.  I spent the remainder of my first trimester scared I'd miscarry and then have to hear how I broke grandma's heart by miscarrying or killed grandma by miscarrying.

She continued to bug the ever living crap out of me while pregnant.  She was obsessed with my weight and body and insisted I send her bump shots... . yea, that didn't happen.  I have a few of headless me that I posted on my mothering.com birth club that other than that, none exist because I didn't want to risk them making their way to her.  She insisted that at 16 weeks at Thanksgiving she could see a bump but she was wrong, I carried small throughout the whole pregnancy.  I gained 38 lbs and hated every one thanks to her harassing me for years about my weight.  I'm 7.5 months past the birth and still 6 lbs above where I was pre-pregnancy and feel terrible about myself still.  And, seeing a few friends post their maternity pics makes me a little sad that I don't have one real picture of me pregnant that I can show to my son.

I had a little boy.  She really wanted it to be a girl (we did too, initially) so I was scared to tell her.  How messed up is that?  She wasn't outright mean but expressed her displeasure that I couldn't give her another granddaughter (you know, to replace the one she chooses not to see) with snippy little comments about not being able to find any cute boys clothes (um, there are lots... . ) throughout the pregnancy.

She threatened, er offered to come down for the birth because she has some days off at school and her boss suggested she take them to come down for that... . sure she did - NOT.  Once I started breathing again I told her that wouldn't be necessary, especially since you never know when it'll happen.  I ended up giving birth 6 days early, on Mother's Day so I can only imagine how, if she had come, that would have messed up her plans.

We made it three weeks before the NC email went out.  Three weeks of backhanded comments (did you mate with an aranghatan (sp) because his hands are soo big?), questions about my weight, and suggestions that I use some of my maternity leave to come visit her 4.5 hours from our house (we had misunderstood my maternity benefits and thought I'd have to  use all my vacation time, this turned out not to be true but we never corrected her for obvious reasons so she thought my maternity leave would be the only time we'd have off the rest of the year). 

The straw that broke the camel's back was my son's baptism.  It was on Father's Day and planned only 2.5 weeks in advance.  My bro and SIL and my husband's bro and SIL were asked to be Godparents.  Well, my bro and sil don't speak with mother but were willing to deal if she came.  She was invited because we figured on such short notice and with her unwillingness to drive, and with it falling on what she would say would likely be my grandpa's last father's day, we figured there wasn't a chance in hell she'd be able to come.  Well, she figured out a way.  Of course it involved coming with her sister and both of them staying with us and bringing their dogs, etc etc etc.  I was reasonable and asked the same thing of her that we asked of everyone: no one stays with us, we don't think the dogs are a good idea (my dad didn't bother to ask about his dog and it didn't go well in that regard with my dog).  And I told her it wouldn't be like a normal visit because we'd have people coming in at various times and we weren't sure of who all was coming and when.  You can imagine how well that went over.  She waifed out completely and I was accused of favoring other members of the family over her and making her feel like she was a burden.  That was kinda it for me.  It was a glimpse into the rest of my son's life.  Every birthday, holiday, milestone, would be about her in some way.  She'd co-opt his whole life like she had done with mine and I wasn't having it. 

So I sent her the get help or give us space email.  Several, in fact.   It took about a week of her "not understanding where this is coming from" and wanting examples of her abuse (um, you were there, you should know), and insisting we should talk on the phone when I asked for space.  She, of course, is the victim here.  Her children are monsters.  I know because that's what my grandma, her mom, has said now several times.  About a week after the dust settled I got a "thank you" note from grandma cutting me off (there's a thread on that here somewhere too).  My well reasoned response to that note was answered with four pages of crazy basically saying that since grandma was abused and still mourned her abusive mother's death I should take it like a good little girl.  Um thanks, grandma, I now know where mother got it from.  I also got a wonderful Christmas card from grandma that used the phrase "grevious sin" twice, asked repeatedly if I was a Christian (I'm not, mainly due to crap like that, grandma), and invoking the memory of my dead fil.  That one was completely unprevoked.

So good luck to you!  I seem to notice that a lot of people here with kids are NC and I completely get why.  I look at my son and wonder how someone, much less a parent, could treat anyone like that.  And it makes me angry and want to protect him.  So I am.  Feel free to message me if you like!

[lauren2013]

LeftyA - I am sort of in shock right now.  I had to take a step back for a second after I read your first post just to make sure I wasn't reading one of my own posts.  I'm dead serious.  I could have written your post - word for word.  I just had my baby four months ago (september) and I went through all of the same feelings that you went through before, during, after.  I was putting off getting pregnant because of my mom, I was worried about how to tell people (and in which order) because of my mom, and I was TERRIFIED of the actual birth because of my mom.  It's so sad that my entire pregnancy was spent worrying about her instead of thinking about the baby I was growing inside of me. Still makes me angry! 

So I am NC with my mom right now and I'm finding that on the one hand I feel a huge sense of relief (literally could FEEL the weight lifting off of me the second I decided to go NC), but at the same time I feel even more anxiety b/c I'm worrying about her trying to get back in and when I'm going to see her again and I just know this isn't the end.  I don't know if you feel the same way that I do, but my mom has this crazy power over me and I am terrified of her.  I just feel so scared all the time of her and what will happen in the future, but I can't even explain to anyone WHY I feel so scared.  My husband helps me look at it rationally by asking "what can she do to you? nothing!" or "I'm here to protect you" which definitely helps, but I have this very deep fear of her that never really goes away no matter how rationally I think about it.  She's even physically 8 inches shorter than I am and super tiny, but she's still so terrifying!  Anyway, the good part about NC is that I don't have the day to day anxiety of getting emails from her, texts, phone calls, anything.  I have removed a huge cancer from my life.  But in going NC with my mom, I've also had to sort of be NC with my dad b/c they are still (unfortunately) married and my dad is strangely taking my mom's side (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome).  He's always been the one to say "we know how mom is" and take our side in that sense, but he's never actually PROTECTED us from her.  He just sits back and lets her be crazy while we get abused time and time again.  So now, after years of being abused by her, I've finally done what I've threatened to do for so long - gone NC - and I think my dad is sort of in shock. It's like I've been crying wolf for so long and he never thought anything would change, but now that I've gone NC, he's freaking out.  He even sent me a text message the other day saying that I am "destroying the family" and "where is this all coming from?"  It's unbelievable.  It's like I don't even know how to answer that because I'd have to go back 65 years to the day she was born... . that's where it all started... . .  It's not as if I'm just deciding not to talk to her out of nowhere.  It makes me angry that he could even ASK that.  She has done SO much... . tried to ruin my wedding, left me places, called me conceited, had an affair while I was in high school... . the list goes on and on and on.  He's just scared of what this means... . the fact that I've actually followed through with NC.  And I can understand that part of it, but I can't understand why he's turning it around on me.  The weird thing is, since he's not the crazy one (per se), it makes ME feel crazy to hear him say things like "you're destroying the family," etc b/c I'm like "wait, AM I doing something wrong?  am I the crazy one here?" but I know I'm not!  It's so twisted.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say Hi! b/c I feel like we are living parallel lives haha and I also wanted to see how things are going right now with you and your mom and your new family.  The baby is ALL that matters now. Let your mom get frustrated, angry, whatever... . IT DOESN'T MATTER.  That baby needs you and your only job is to protect him/her.  Stay in touch!

[lauren2013]

oh and one more thing - I totally agree with you. I look at my daughter now and I think HOW could someone treat their own child this way? I feel like I'm angry at my mom on a whole different level now.  It's unnatural.

[LeftyA]

Hi Lauren! Congrats on your new little one!  I hope she's letting you get some sleep!

It's so funny how growing up this way can feel so isolating and yet, here we all are, with lots of very similar experiences. 

I know what you mean about the feedback from others who are emeshed making you wonder if you're the crazy one.  My grandmother is trying to work on that angle.  All she's done is answer my 'where did my mother get this from' question.