Yearning & Love - sharing insight and how I do to heal

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wanna share insights and what's working for me... .

When I'm yearning/longing for my uBPDxgf, I do this, coming out of 'Inner child' work:

I attempt to see/experience not only the feeling per se, but rather see/experience a 'part of me', feeling that yearning/wanting/needing/something from someone/outside of me - 'part of me' being the little guy inside.

If and when I manage to separate the 'little' one, immediately love starts to flow from my inner loving adult towards the little one, embracing, caring. Now the 'little' one is being seen/heard and then embraced, cared for, all the while the loving adult is given the opportunity to provide/practice love as should be. I then get a feeling of 'meeting with myself in love' on the inside. Emotions blossom in tears, joy and a sense of 'at last'... .This is immensely healing in that both 'the little one' gets to be seen/cared for and the 'loving adult' gets to practice and grow in providing. I find it a little hard to get to as emotions kind of 'takes over' and takes you for a ride. However, staying present with oneself not getting carried away and focus on 'the part or me' is what does it for me.

I think this flow of love and care is what normally flows out from us towards our pwBPD, while the inner child is left unseen/unattended, remaining lonely/abandoned - some people say 'you give what you want to receive'. And we're in hope that we'll be given back what we give but it doesn't happen with our pwBPD, unless... .

... .during idealization stage when our pwBPD serves as a mirror, reflecting back what we give. Believing it is him/her, we 'fall in love' and attach. While in reality he/she serves as a vessel and mirror for us, and we finally get what we always wanted - ie that what we give, our own love and care.

The love was ours all the way. We just trick ourselves to believe it comes from our pwBPD. Very catchy indeed. Let's love ourselves on the inside, grow in love, and then share ourselves with those who can reciprocate.

/Careman

[careman]

Just wanna share insights and what's working for me... .

When I'm yearning/longing for my uBPDxgf, I do this, coming out of 'Inner child' work:

I attempt to see/experience not only the feeling per se, but rather see/experience a 'part of me', feeling that yearning/wanting/needing/something from someone/outside of me - 'part of me' being the little guy inside.

If and when I manage to separate the 'little' one, immediately love starts to flow from my inner loving adult towards the little one, embracing, caring. Now the 'little' one is being seen/heard and then embraced, cared for, all the while the loving adult is given the opportunity to provide/practice love as should be. I then get a feeling of 'meeting with myself in love' on the inside. Emotions blossom in tears, joy and a sense of 'at last'... .This is immensely healing in that both 'the little one' gets to be seen/cared for and the 'loving adult' gets to practice and grow in providing. I find it a little hard to get to as emotions kind of 'takes over' and takes you for a ride. However, staying present with oneself not getting carried away and focus on 'the part or me' is what does it for me.

I think this flow of love and care is what normally flows out from us towards our pwBPD, while the inner child is left unseen/unattended, remaining lonely/abandoned - some people say 'you give what you want to receive'. And we're in hope that we'll be given back what we give but it doesn't happen with our pwBPD, unless... .

... .during idealization stage when our pwBPD serves as a mirror, reflecting back what we give. Believing it is him/her, we 'fall in love' and attach. While in reality he/she serves as a vessel and mirror for us, and we finally get what we always wanted - ie that what we give, our own love and care.

The love was ours all the way. We just trick ourselves to believe it comes from our pwBPD. Very catchy indeed. Let's love ourselves on the inside, grow in love, and then share ourselves with those who can reciprocate.

/Careman

[Phoenix.Rising]

Careman,

I've been reading your posts on how you've been healing, and they are very insightful and they have helped me.  This posts reminds me of mindfulness in a way.  Slowing down and looking at your feelings in a realistic, non-judgmental way, and without acting on your feelings in a way that harmful to you (or your inner child).  Good work!

[heartandwhole]

I am also enjoying your posts Careman, thank you!   I find them very helpful and inspiring.

Keep 'em coming ! 

heartandwhole

[forumman83]

Nice post.

[careman]

Phoenix - h&wh - forum83

Thanks for the encouragement. And yes, I have learned a lot in the last half year... .

/Careman

[careman]

The love was ours all the way. We just trick ourselves to believe it comes from our pwBPD. Very catchy indeed. Let's love ourselves on the inside, grow in love, and then share ourselves with those who can reciprocate.

/Careman

The 'love' was mine all along... .

That 'sublime feeling' was my feeling felt by me in my body, so obviously I'm capable of feeling that, and hence I can feel it again. She triggered it and made me discover it, but there must be other ways to get it. Projecting a dependence for evoking that feeling onto her creates pain since she left. Separating her from my feeling creates hope, and almost a kind of explorative adventure.

Realizing that that feeling is mine to explore, uncover and unleash frees me from the hook to her, and instead I can see I'm carrying in me a since long hidden treasure for me to find and set free.

/Careman 

[MaybeSo]

This is truly an inside job. This is the work to be done, the focus outside is a distraction from the real work. When it's an inside job, it's sustainable, when it's dependent upon another person, it's an addiction/dependency and we are forever chasing the high, and angry at those who refuse to provide us with our steady supply. The steady supply only comes from within so there's no reason to be angry, because no one can do this for us.

Good work Careman!

[careman]

This is truly an inside job. This is the work to be done, the focus outside is a distraction from the real work. When it's an inside job, it's sustainable, when it's dependent upon another person, it's an addiction/dependency and we are forever chasing the high, and angry at those who refuse to provide us with our steady supply. The steady supply only comes from within so there's no reason to be angry, because no one can do this for us.

Good work Careman!

MaybeSo !

Thanks. Yep it's an inside job, only... .

                             ... .it's easier said than done

/Careman

[sea_luver]

awesome post! 

thank you very much for sharing!

peace 

[careman]

awesome post! 

thank you very much for sharing!

peace 

ur welcome

[Emelie Emelie]

My T has been talking to me about this.  That there's the lonely little girl inside me that I need to take care of and love.  I've read about it in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing also.  I need to try and "practice" this more.  It sounds like it's been really beneficial for you.