Lessons on the BPD/NPD dyad courtesy of Hurricane Sandy

[iluminati]

From time to time, I try to post life lessons not as much to ask questions but to compare notes.  I've been away for a while due to the vagaries of life and work hours, but I'm making a point to come back to give back.  While I have my issues more or less under control, or at least as much as I can given the circumstances, I still want to give back.  After all, someone had to help me all those years ago, right?

As you have heard, Hurricane Sandy knocked out power to a LOT of people in the NY Tri-State Area.  The odd thing is that the outages were piecemeal.  It wasn't unusual for one block or neighborhood to have power, and another neighborhood not to.  Alas, this was the case for myself and my family.  As soon as the storm passed, and it became clear that Tuesday morning that the power outage wasn't something short-term, I quickly packed what clothes and perishable food I could, then headed to my mother's house with my BPDw and my D3.

Normally, my BPDw is less than purposeful in helping out around the house and with our daughter.  Heck, my daughter has figured out that my wife just stays in bed, and that if she wants to see her, she has to go to her.  Yikes.  However, my mom has a moderate case of NPD.  She needs to be the center of attention at all times, and it was a struggle growing up.  Normally, I would think the idea of an indefinite stay with my mom to be a bit of hell.  After all, she'll try to monopolize conversations, manipulate people and do general NPD stuff.  Also, being as a large chunk of the Tri-State are was shut down, for obvious reasons, I was going to be shut in with my wife as well.  Then something funny happened.

My NPDmom somehow got in my BPDw's ear, both transforming her behavior and giving me peace.

For whatever reason, my mom just latched onto my wife, talking her ear off and annoying her about... .who really cares.  All I do know is this.  Apparently, all that NPD invective turned my BPDw into an incredible mother.  OK, that's a bit of an understatement, but it was the first time my wife legitimately co-parented my D3 with me outside of an obvious family get together.  There were baths and story time and meals given out.  Of course, I still did my part, but it was my *part* for once.  I didn't have to take my daughter to the potty every time, or feed her every time or ready her a story every time.  Plus, being a guest, she actually helped out a bit around my mom's house. 

Of course, my wife had an interesting reaction to being the focus of my mom's invective.  On one hand, she said she didn't like it at all, to the point that she doesn't want to deal with her for Thanksgiving.  On the other hand, she seemed oddly comfortable with the situation.  Maybe comfort isn't the right word as much as familiar.  Either way, her effort increased, and her body language was much more relaxed and less on guard as she usually is.  Of course, since we got the power back a week ago, my wife has gone back to her usual ways (though my daughter has become more assertive in asking for my wife's attention).  Also, my wife swears up and down that she doesn't want to deal with her family... .until she asks me to go to yet another family gathering filled with the people who abused and neglected her to exchange pleasantries and see a "real Black family".  (For the record, both myself and my wife are Black.)  Still, I managed to get a moment of peace thanks to Sandy, and I got to experience that BPD/NPD dyad that's been written about in the literature.

So, my fellow board members, have you seen the BPD/NPD in practice with your SOs?  And have you seen the same dynamic that I've seen in my case?

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[CodependentHusband]

That's great! Thanks for sharing!

I can't really say that I've witnessed the exact same scenario, but I can tell you what it reminds me of. One of the things I notice in my wife is that if she is in a situation when she is needed, she really does seem to rise to the occassion (at least for the person in need). It's usually to the detriment of everyone else around, but she does come through with compassion, caring, and real effort to help in her area of expertise. My dBPDw is an RN, and our parents are getting up there in age (mid-70's). While she doesn't have much to do with my parents, she will at least pick up the phone to call if something medical-related is going on with one of my parents (that's compared to basically no contact otherwise). When my wife's father or step-mother have medical issues, she really does do everything she can to take care of them. They tend to need more medical care than my parents at this point in time. It will be interesting to see what happens when my parents start having more issues.

[united for now]

Its great that you had a place to stay during all of that - and - that there was some positives to be found.

I've never seen that dynamic in play, though I have heard that an NPD and BPD do manage to reflect each others core wounds. Probably pretty amazing to see in action.

[iluminati]

I'll give you an example of something amazing in action.  During that week, we went out for some fast food to break the monotony, and then my mom suggested we go out to a local mall which was running off of generator power.  After getting there and looking around one of the stores, my wife asks me if it would be OK with we went off on our own for a bit, and I was OK with it.  After all, I wasn't exactly dying to be around my mom.

Anyway, my wife goes up to my mom and asks her for some space.  My mom replies in this entitled tone of voice "Why?  Is there something you want to do?  I can go along, you know!"  I tell my mom flat out that we need some space.  My wife, on the other hand, just backed down and said "no.  We have nothing in particular to do."  The body language of my wife was one of total defeat and submission.  The, um, less-than-moral part of me was tempted to clone this technique so that I could get my way more often.  After that, I was subjected to watching my wife and my mom shop (which isn't my idea of fun) where my mom got to run roughshod over her tastes and desires, getting her to just go along with everything.  It was an odd experience to say the least.

Well, that and learning how many power outlets there truly are in a mall.  You couldn't walk to close to a pillar because by every one was somebody huddling to charge their cell phone or laptop.  But that's another story.

[united for now]

Yeah, that kind of "power" isn't good healthy power, though I know the dark side is tempting... .

[TeaAmongRoses]

Hi Iluminati,

Sounds like a godsend of a dynamic during a really difficult time. Personally, I find the dynamics of people in my family who are someplace on the spectrum of BPD (w/NPD traits) facinating too and a welcome relief from usual shennanegans that alone the BPD or NPD relative might cause.

The biggest relief I know of comes in dealing with my mom when my husband is around. My mom is sort of NPD/BPD needing to constantly get her way and being quite manipulative about it. My husband, who is not her daughter and thus not thoroughly conditioned by her to be subservient, doesn't tolerate it. And he voices his opoinion loudly. She backs down to him and we are all able to have a more peaceful and enjoyable time because my mom isn't dominating everyone and everything. However it still causes me quite a bit of stress because I'm afraid of the two of them working things out or alternatively, throwing a scene!

Still it is better than having just people around who are too acommodating (like me and my step-dad). We all have our stomachs in knots, are dissasociated from ourselves and generally are miserable, but quiet, when somebody more dominant isn't around to keep her in "check."

Very good story! Thanks for posting!

[TeaAmongRoses]

One other thing - I don't know if there's a cultural element to being "aggressive" or not - my husband grew up in the ghetto - he's white but he went to an almost all black school for quite a while. He went to evangelical churches that were also highly emotional. Sometimes I think certain "cultures" by which I mean subsets of the population operate at a more "emotional" level that can flirt with being sort of like a personality disorder. There are very obvious physical displays of power - - - and of course, we know a lot of violence. He has said that my family is no different from his in a lot of ways, and by that I think my family has the personality disorder elements they are just more middle class. My mom uses a lot more subtle manipulations while his family uses overt violence. Either way they are both just trying to claim power, they just display their power plays in socially different ways. But for my husband shouting, being loud, and emotional is the ONLY way people communicated in his family growing up so when I don't do the same, he just doesn't hear me, it doesn't register.