zero degree of empathy book + my personal stuff

[Silkroad]

i have been having good 3 months without any crisis from my suspected BPD husband... .but its to leave the guard for a bit then you get the overflow of the emotional burnout he has been carrying all this time ... i believe he tried really hard... .but, last week, due to a situation where he realised i took my phone to be fixed in a shop in April (he promised to fix it for me back then but never got round to doing it) he became all that they can become when they loose it... .because he was not good enough to fix my phone... .he believed i was using it with its fault waiting for his grace to fix it... .from that day on (last Thursday) he finds one problem after the other, and there is nothing to be done, so I am just waiting... .i am 31 weeks pregnant and told him my level of stress can speed up labour... .to what he stopped the fault finding and the anti social behaviour for 2 days... and started it all over again, saying i am hiding behind this pregnancy, that all that i do is irrelevant, that he pays the bills, i do nothing( i am studying - and so is he - for a master and also looking after a almost 4 years old and work 3 days a week.) that i should be quiet and not disrepect him, that i should also reply to his texts(i missed one text he sent the other day)... .that circular conversation that wants you feeding his anger and you quiet at the same time... .In one of the messages i sent him, i mentioned i have been living with him for 10 years and was expecting him to change sooner or later, as he cannot keep the peace as he had for too long... .but because he is so clever and can read between lines, he said that I am saying his got a illness and so on... .i mentioned he should search for help back in february and explained about borderline, but after reading here, i realised i made a mistake in mentioning... .but because he doesnt forget anything, he always brings it on... I am in a situation where i just want the next 9 weeks to go fast and have no energy to spend with validating and all that... but staying quiet also is annoying for him, but whatever i say he is up for a fight... well, i am trying to set up boundaries, i said yesterday that i reached my limit and left. today he started the day trying to wind me up on a text but i ignored than when i got here he tried to get to reply but i only said you are right, it must be terrible... .along those lines... .thankfully he had to leave and seemed peaceful when came back in the middle of the afternoon... .i think the stress of the pregnancy is getting him( we lost 2 pregnancies, one before and one after our health child... .but the way he is , its so frustating... .so, the other day i tried to search for something to read in the local book shop and came accross this book called 'zero degree of empathy' in which the author cohen, mentions about borderline p.d . I thought that shed a light to the way they think... .but only the strong can survive this live we live... .i believe i was raised to be a 'carer' thats why i end up accepting him as he is and keep believing that this clever, charming person(although lazy and anti social ) will get better one day, or improve slowly... .anybody out there has also seen this book? I havent read it all, but it seems very interesting. There must be complete lack of empathy for those who love them most... sorry it was more like a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to you all here... .thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[united for now]

Yes. Difficulties with empathy is one of the new criteria for BPD according to the draft for the new DSM 5.0. Here is a workshop to help explain it some - and - for you to ask yourself "how empathetic are you?"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=170509.msg12008325#msg12008325

[Silkroad]

i seemed to have mumbled a bit in trying to express myself in my post.

Thank you for your reply...

Its very hard to live with someone who does not have much empathy at home but shows it for the whole wide world a lot. for example, at the moment, my husband is so cross with the situation in Israel and Gaza, posting about it on Facebook and being all day watching news regarding it. While his pregnant wife is looking after a 4 years old, cooking, cleaning, doing the bedtime routine, not having any social life... .He just get to work and back and sit in the sofa... .while giving me the silent treatment, and say i am the one not speaking to him! I just found out am a bit aneamicto which i have just started some tablets...

He never asked me how I am feeling lately, since the latest episode started. 2 weeks ago this coming thursday. So maybe this is the reason why his crisis is getting me, I am a bit oversensitive.

Hope it will pass. Have to live with the reality that his empathy is non existent! Should have known better by now... .I am her to search for some sympathy myself... .

at least I can cope with my daily chores, until the end of the pregnancy... .Yesterday he threw a tantrum because his long sleeves shirts werent ironed... while its is winter approaching here and he wears shirts always under a jumper... .how frustating... .when he is in a good mood he says he doesnt help around the house because i dont ask... .and never does anything around the house... .

I trust he will get better... .at least I am coping with the silence treatment, retiring to my room very early, while he sleeps in the sofa downstairs... .and he just starts being abusive and i leave him... .its going well so far... .thank you for listening... .

[Blazing Star]

Hi Silkroad,

Sorry to hear about your recent challenges with your husband, and the loss of your two babies   . I imagine it must make this pregnancy extra stressful.

I relate to your situation, all three of my pregnancies have been stressful for both me and my dBPDh. We now have two young daughters (we miscarried a baby in the middle), and I am glad those stressful times of pregnancy are now over.

I know how frustrating a partner with BPD can be, like having another child!

The things that kept me sane during my pregnancies were looking after myself. It felt doubly important to do this while growing a baby, not only the usual nutrition and relaxation, but some really nurturing things for me too. Like walks in my favourite places, long baths, dates with either just myself, or my D3, doing nice things like eating cake, collecting shells on the beach.

These things that kept me from cracking and allowed me not to be too effected by my partner's moods and outbursts. I also started seeing a Therapist. And slowly began to accept, and make peace with the fact that I would probably never receive the empathy and compassion from him that I so wanted.

What are some things that you could do to nourish yourself?

Love Blazing Star

[Silkroad]

Thank you Blazing star for your kind comments!

I have some strategies on place to cope with his moods, like visiting friends and having some friends around(when he is not here of course!)... .he was good for 3 long months, so took me by surprise the latest episodes! the stress of pregnancy is immense... .i thought he would be able to manage until the end, but he also has so much on his plate now... .my 3 to 4 years old is so much fun and i love to do all sorts of stuff with him, also i still do work 3 days a week... .the most annoying thing is to found out the one person you trusted to tell the issues you go through do not take it seriously enough... .(this is his work colleague, whom i thought would listen to what his mind is like) but no, he chooses to believe he is just being stubborn, childish and stuff, which doesnt help when dealing with someone with BPD (mind, i am sure he has BPD but he hasnt been officially diagnosed, as he does not want any sort of therapy) he works in a church as the co-pastor (the man I mentioned is the leading pastor) and i regret have told him anything now... .he just doesnt understand... .well never mind, at least i have you guys here! Thanks!

[Silkroad]

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/may/03/boderline-personality-disorder-empathy-simon-baron-cohen Found this link related to the book mentioned... .  very interesting

[elemental]

Your husband has empathy for people he has nothing to do with. He is failing to show you empathy because in your relationship, you are someone he is vulnerable to and defensive about. He knows he is not stepping up for you, he feels bad, so he goes back into the events that occured and how he felt about them... and he feels bad. So he tweaks reality to shift it enough to where you caused the problem, he feels bad, how he feels is REALITY... and since you are the problem and he is hurting, if you are hurt, you caused it, and since you hurt yourself and you hurt him, he is feeling enough resentment from it that he really doesn't see where you are deserving of his support.

And that is convuluted, but it's what I have been finding to be true with my BPD. And what I also think is true, is that underneathe this machiavellion mental head game some people play, they know they are at fault, they know who is to blame, but instead of finding ways to be better or move out of that toxic shame, they live in it.

I have no idea why.

Oddly I woke up this morning and this topic was on my mind, so I hope more people will post about empathy and BPD here.

And it sounds very difficult for you right now, I hope your husband will calm down very soon and offer more support.

[Shaktipat]

Oh my gosh,  elemental, that is so true. My husband has empathy for complete strangers,  but none for me or his family. He treats his family like strangers,  and strangers like family. It's like that Blanche Dubois quote from a streetcar named desire,  "I have always had to rely on the kindness of strangers (or something like that,  I hope I got it right). " I don't get how he can cry at a sad movie or news story and then turn around and call me and his own beautiful son, who love him, a-holes,  but this explains it.