Looking for Advice - Dope or Done

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sorry for the rant you're about to read (and thanks in advance)

I thought things were improving with my dBPDh but the last week has been a downward spiral.  I'm not looking for others to make a decision for me, but any words of advice would be welcome.  I guess I'm hoping to validate my opinion, or at least have some people who can appreciate the situation give me some guidance on rethinking my opinion.

This is a second marriage for both of us.  When we met, my man was a recreational marijuana smoker.  He would only smoke when the children were out of the house at grandparents or friends overnight, the little pot he had was stored in a locked shed outside, he only smoked outside, and he always immediately showered/changed afterwards.  I only ever saw him smoke maybe once every 2 weeks, once a week at the most.  He told me any woman he was with would have to accept that this was something he liked to do on occasion as it helped to give him some relief from pain from an old back injury.  I told him I could accept that if he could accept that I'm a non-user, that I don't want it anywhere near my children, never in the house, and basically show me the same respect he was asking of me.

Fast forward to 4 years later.  At first he was very dilligent about respecting my wishes where his recreational use was concerned and I basically ignored it.  Then combine three things:  a very stressful period on the job front for both of us and the resulting financial crunch many of us have probably experienced; his 15 year old daughter started experimenting with pot, and his BPD diagnosis.  Just this morning, I found pot "crumbs" on the coffee table from where he rolled a joint last night, his clothes reek of pot, and he's smoking almost every night, including when my children are home (though he waits until 30 seconds after they go to bed before heading outside to smoke).  When I make comments, I'm a square, I'm uptight, I'm judgemental.  I told him he's changed his usage and expects me to just accept it when he's no longer showing me respect about how I feel on the subject (that did give him pause, but no change in behaviour).

We know someone who has a genuine need for medical marijuana, and as a cancer survivor, I understand some people benefit from it - but he's not got a medical license for it, so it's just cause he likes it in my books.

How far do we compromise our beliefs and our self esteem before we say enough is enough.  I want to be supportive and give him the chance to get therapy, but with him waiting for it to come to him (wait list in Canada) and not pursuing it himself, I'm hanging on by a thread and watching my self-esteem get shredded in the process. 

Any thoughts?  Am I really just an uptight square who needs to be a little more "look the other way"? ?

[Highlandsgal]

Sorry for the rant you're about to read (and thanks in advance)

I thought things were improving with my dBPDh but the last week has been a downward spiral.  I'm not looking for others to make a decision for me, but any words of advice would be welcome.  I guess I'm hoping to validate my opinion, or at least have some people who can appreciate the situation give me some guidance on rethinking my opinion.

This is a second marriage for both of us.  When we met, my man was a recreational marijuana smoker.  He would only smoke when the children were out of the house at grandparents or friends overnight, the little pot he had was stored in a locked shed outside, he only smoked outside, and he always immediately showered/changed afterwards.  I only ever saw him smoke maybe once every 2 weeks, once a week at the most.  He told me any woman he was with would have to accept that this was something he liked to do on occasion as it helped to give him some relief from pain from an old back injury.  I told him I could accept that if he could accept that I'm a non-user, that I don't want it anywhere near my children, never in the house, and basically show me the same respect he was asking of me.

Fast forward to 4 years later.  At first he was very dilligent about respecting my wishes where his recreational use was concerned and I basically ignored it.  Then combine three things:  a very stressful period on the job front for both of us and the resulting financial crunch many of us have probably experienced; his 15 year old daughter started experimenting with pot, and his BPD diagnosis.  Just this morning, I found pot "crumbs" on the coffee table from where he rolled a joint last night, his clothes reek of pot, and he's smoking almost every night, including when my children are home (though he waits until 30 seconds after they go to bed before heading outside to smoke).  When I make comments, I'm a square, I'm uptight, I'm judgemental.  I told him he's changed his usage and expects me to just accept it when he's no longer showing me respect about how I feel on the subject (that did give him pause, but no change in behaviour).

We know someone who has a genuine need for medical marijuana, and as a cancer survivor, I understand some people benefit from it - but he's not got a medical license for it, so it's just cause he likes it in my books.

How far do we compromise our beliefs and our self esteem before we say enough is enough.  I want to be supportive and give him the chance to get therapy, but with him waiting for it to come to him (wait list in Canada) and not pursuing it himself, I'm hanging on by a thread and watching my self-esteem get shredded in the process. 

Any thoughts?  Am I really just an uptight square who needs to be a little more "look the other way"? ?

[Validation78]

Hey Highlands!

The answer to your question is one that will be different for each of us.

We talk here about establishing values, boundaries, and consequences for crossing boundaries. When we have weak boundaries, we often feel like victims, and getting our own self esteem damaged. So, we must be willing to strengthen the boundaries, and deal with the fall out. For example (yours may be different):

Value: Using marijuana is objectionable to me

Boundary: I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who uses marijuana

Consequence: I will leave a relationship with someone who uses marijuana

Like I said, this is a very personal decision. It's not easy to establish boundaries. Many of us involved with pwBPD have weak boundaries, and they are constantly tested. It is however, our only means of self protection, and if we are not willing to protect ourselves, nobody else is going to do it for us!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Peace4ME]

Hi there- wondering how this issue is going for you?

I'm going through something similar. When I started dating my now dBPDbf I knew he smoked pot, but it seemed recreational. Fast forward a year later, after we bought a house and his BPD issues started coming to a head, his use is pretty out of control. Smokes 3-4 times a day if he can, even before work in the morning. Most days he will admit it's a problem and he says he trying to quit, but he's been saying that and making promises for 7-8 months now. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me 37 times, shame on me. If I keep my mouth shut about my feelings on it he can be very apologetic and feel bad. But if I dare say something or even talk to him about it he gets defensive and goes back to "You knew I did this when you met me, you even smoked with me sometimes." Well, you may not know an alcoholic is an alcoholic until you move in with them and see them drinking at 7am.

Anyways, sorry for my rant. Just wondering how you are doing. We aren't married and I have to decide how long I put up with this and just be patient and trust that he will take care of it. I've told him I don't want to get engaged before this is resolved, and I'm sure he must know that doesn't mean I want to put my life on hold for another year while he gets this out of his system... .  

[atcrossroads]

I'm on the leaving thread mostly but am a total blubbering wreck tonight, so I came to read on the undecided board.  I am in hard grief because I (we... .  I guess?) are decided on divorce but I am having so many fears and doubts suddenly - my emotions have gone haywire.

Per this topic, by ubdh is a heavy pot smoker - we have lots of friends who smoke recreationally, and I did at one point in my life (oh, about 20 years ago!).  When h and I met, I smoked with him a few times, and I admit to smoking maybe 1-2x a year a tiny bit with my old girlfriends who will get it for a special occasion girls' night.  So, I don't frown on it recreationally, but I have in the last couple weeks said for first time (not TO him) that my h is an ADDICT.  He is a pot addict.

We have fought for years over how much $ he spends - honestly I didn't realize, but now I know he smokes 5-600 dollars worth a MONTH!  It's out of control!  We split our money finally this summer, and all the sudden I have money left at end of month (we make same amount).  He has no money b/c it's all been spent on pot.  He, too, has told me he won't quit, and over the years he has conceded that he needs to smoke less and spend less, that usually lasts about 1 month.  What I've seen instead is a total escalation of the smoking.  On days he doesn't work, he smokes all day.  Otherwise, in the evenings.

It's been embarrassing over the years to not be able to have friends drop by as the house might be smokey (he smokes in one room with closed door and opens windows and uses air freshener, but that's not kidding anyone.  you can smell it when you walk in).

My T asked me (BPD issues aside) if I want to be married to a pothead -- albeit a very intelligent, funny, productive, charming pothead.  So I had to think on that a few days and realized no, I don't want a husband who smokes up thousands of dollars worth of drugs each year, has a chronic cough, doesn't seek out other ways to soothe/cope... .  I don't.

However, it's easier said than done.  I know in my heart we are finished and heading for divorce, but I am utterly heart-wrenched over it.

I think if he didn't have the anger/irrational BPD stuff but smoked, I could deal.  But the two together... .  

I have found it impossible to disagree with anything my h does - it's "controlling" him, so it's left for me to decide what I can tolerate.

Very difficult - I feel for you and am right there with you.  Consider also finding out how much $ he is spending- may be more than you realize. 

[Peace4ME]

Atcrossroads, is this topic a big part of your divorce? I’m sorry you are hurting so bad!

Per this topic, by ubdh is a heavy pot smoker - we have lots of friends who smoke recreationally, and I did at one point in my life (oh, about 20 years ago!).  When h and I met, I smoked with him a few times, and I admit to smoking maybe 1-2x a year a tiny bit with my old girlfriends who will get it for a special occasion girls' night.  So, I don't frown on it recreationally, but I have in the last couple weeks said for first time (not TO him) that my h is an ADDICT.  He is a pot addict.

Does your husband hold those few times you smoked with him against you? Accuse you of changing your mind? After I saw my dBPDbf’s pot use changed from recreational to addicted I never smoked with him again. He begged and pleaded to have some fun with him, but I knew he would always use it against me. He shuts his ears when I try to explain the difference between then and now. He just keeps repeating that I’m a hypocrite. 

He, too, has told me he won't quit, and over the years he has conceded that he needs to smoke less and spend less, that usually lasts about 1 month.  What I've seen instead is a total escalation of the smoking. 

Over the past 5-6 months my bf has been adamant about quitting, at least when he still has some. Usually within a day or two of it being gone he gives in and gets some. When I bring up the trust issues associated with him promising he’s going to quit and then continuously moving that date, or expecting me to have never ending patience he says that I am just impatient and should just trust him that he will quit before we are engaged. Um, well that seems to be completely on his timetable since he is the one who has to ask and buy the ring (which he can’t because he’s broke because he spends $200-250 a month on weed). This is manipulative and I continue to fall for it.

It's been embarrassing over the years to not be able to have friends drop by as the house might be smokey (he smokes in one room with closed door and opens windows and uses air freshener, but that's not kidding anyone.  you can smell it when you walk in).

Ditto. I just want to wake up Saturday morning and smell coffee and pancakes instead of pot for once…

My T asked me (BPD issues aside) if I want to be married to a pothead -- albeit a very intelligent, funny, productive, charming pothead.  So I had to think on that a few days and realized no, I don't want a husband who smokes up thousands of dollars worth of drugs each year, has a chronic cough, doesn't seek out other ways to soothe/cope... .  I don't.

Ditto. However, my bf just started DBT so I’m torn as to whether I need to give all this MORE time to sink in. I wonder how honest he’s being with his DBT T about his pot use. I know he told him he needs to quit.

However, it's easier said than done.  I know in my heart we are finished and heading for divorce, but I am utterly heart-wrenched over it.

Hugs- I feel for you.

I think if he didn't have the anger/irrational BPD stuff but smoked, I could deal.  But the two together... .  

I agree- if my bf wasn’t showing some improvement with meds and DBT I would be long gone, at least that’s what I believe. Does your husband feel that there is anything wrong with him/ know anything about BPD?

I have found it impossible to disagree with anything my h does - it's "controlling" him, so it's left for me to decide what I can tolerate.

That was our most recent fight. He says he wants to quit but gets excited when it’s time to smoke. I told him that’s confusing to me. Went downhill from there, I was told that I was a buzzkill, controlling and that he already had one mother and didn’t need another among other nasty things. I didn’t take the bait, didn’t call him a child back, didn’t yell, I did J.A.D.E. a bit, but took a time out which he belittled me for as usual. Says I can’t handle anything. Hmmm, projection? Says I think I have life all figured out and the right way to do everything and I’m so full of myself. After spending the whole evening separately, I came to him and validated that I can understand how repeatedly hearing my feelings on his pot smoking was annoying and could feel controlling and I was sorry. Nothing from him. Barely acknowledged the apology, didn’t apologize for all the nasty things he said, actually said he stands by them, and didn’t acknowledge or apologize for the entire reason that I am confused/upset which is because he swore he wasn’t going to me smoking in 2013 and instead he gets giddy when it’s time to smoke.

He knows how I feel about this but I know he’s calling my bluff. Sometimes he actually says, so what are you going to do about it?  I think it’s time to give him some kind of advanced warning. Pretty much an ultimatum with at time limit. He can call me controlling all he wants, but he is asking me to put my life on hold for something I’m not sure he can or entirely wants to do. Says I’m a bad girlfriend for not trusting and having faith in him that he can do this on his own time. Manipulative. What about my time?   Is he really trying if he gives in after less than 24 hours of “trying to quit?” He says I don’t get it. Maybe I don’t. But I get me, and I don’t want a life that uses pot to make it more “interesting” or cope with stress and emotions. I don’t want to be broke because of it and its just one more thing to add on top of BPD, which is hard enough for me and him to deal with on its own.

Sorry for the second rant.

[atcrossroads]

Hi Peace,

You are ringing all my bells and I have much to say on all of it!  I'm going to bed now (necessity) and will respond properly tomorrow.  Yes, indeed, we have a lot in common.  It's one of the tipping points for divorce, yes.

Tipping points

-general negativity towards world/meanness (painting me black)

-victim mentality- everything is everyone else's fault

-pot addict (causes financial issues - I've figured he's spent around 60K over the years!)

-depression

-anger/rages

Mind you, he has many wonderful traits, but these have become I guess what we call dealbreakers.  And, all of it has escalated... .  just when I had wishful thinking I might see improvement. 

More later to respond to all your questions!

[4now]

The only thing I can say is it's a slippery slope.  You compromise on this and it could continue to go downhill.  It seems with BPD they like to dance right on that line, not really totally stepping over, but just right there, enough to see what kind of reaction they can get.  Like a naughty child in a lot of ways.  

I think you are right to be upset.  I don't think you are a square.  A square wouldn't tolerate it at all.  With kids around, it is especially tricky because we as parents have to set an example.  

Not to mention it is illegal, well, kind of where I live (Colorado). But it's a legal grey area.  

Back to your morals and boundaries, you need to decide what you will and will not accept and then make a plan to deal with the possible fall out.  Ie, no more pot crumbs in the house, change and wash your own clothes so the kids don't smell you, etc.  :)ecide what is best for you and your kids and don't compromise or you will continue to compromise down the road.  It is like they smell weakness when you do. And someday, like has happened for me, you might wake up and think  "what the hell has happened."  I sometimes wish I would have taken a hard stance years ago and maybe we wouldn't be where we are today.

Just my two cents!  Good luck.