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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Why are some exes recycled and some not?  (Read 2208 times)
ricky rick

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« on: January 03, 2013, 01:01:48 PM »

This has been a question that confuses me to death. I mean, we all have done our homework on BPD and the way i look at it is this... .  Most BPDs have a supply of hosts. If thats the case why would one ever want to come back to us? Even if the BPD runs out of hosts, why am I being recycled instead of someone else? Ive been recycled once already. I even brought up the fact that I thought she had BPD. She actually went out and bought all the books and did some research on her own. She admitted to me that she had some of the qualities of the disorder. But looking back now, Im wondering what ever happened to the books. One day they were around and after the relationship ended I thought one day... .  Those books... .  I dont remember seeing them anymore! Almost as if she may have thrown them out.

Rick

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charred
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 01:47:15 PM »

Rick,

Doubt you can find out for sure in your case without probing your pwBPD. However in my case... first go round getting dumped many years ago, my exBPDgf decided that my dad was horrible, that I would be fine without her and that I was too gentle/easygoing to handle her as she knew she had issues and was a very strong but messed up personality type... .  so she abruptly dumped me, devastating me ... .  and she took up with the guy that lived across the street from me, so I saw her kissing and hugging a new guy within 2 weeks of dumping me (we were planning on getting married)... I gave up my business, left the town I grew up in, left my family and friends to get away... and did, moved 1500 miles away, had unlisted number and she tried to recycle later (contacted my dad)... but didn't succeed.

So first go round... now doubting much of her story (I think the guy was to tweak me and get control and instead of that happening I dissapeared... so she moved on.) I think she would have recycled then, as we had a really strong connection on both sides, even though it was need based, and not healthy.

Twenty some years later, Facebook happens, I get on and she contacts me, I had recovered, married for 20+ yrs, had a kid and didn't want any part of her... chatting, but she said she had something important to tell me would I call, and I did and her voice brought back everything... and 4 months later I was divorcing my wife to be with her. Then she went from idealizing to devaluing and we broke up and made up (recycled) over and over till I dumped her and stuck with it.

So... after all this, in my case I think that what is happening is that the pwBPD has choices of who to be with, and when they have a lot of them, and they think some are better than you (which isn't personal but more a matter of they probably painted you black and think you are bad... at end)... they will go to new person and if it is exciting and works okay... keep going to all new ones. At some point they either really get attached to someone... then leave and want to come back, or else their choices dwindle and they no longer have lots of choices and they revisit old ones, as they can't stand to be alone. My exBPDgf over the years was in countless r/s, was engaged 7 times, married twice and then came back to me... she had divorced second hubby after having a kid and decided to stop dating and concentrate on her kid... ballooned up in size, got an ugly bowl haircut and became a wallflower... .  which was inconceivable to me... she had been beautiful and had an amazing presence that drew people to her.

Anyway I went back with her and she started dropping weight, grew her hair out, got her confidence back, turned back in to the superbtch that was impossible to deal with, and when mad at me, dumped me, but recycled many times... continuing to draw me down while boosting her confidence, until she had another guy on the line, and I dumped her... so its been rocky.

That is my take, they are needy/manipulative and like most people pick people for a r/s based on who they have available as options to them. Most of us would want a supermodel if we had a shot... its kind of like that... .  actually very like that, as the supermodel by definition is someone we don't know anything about except superficial physical information that we can use mentally to see them as a sex object... not a good choice as a life partner. That is what I think goes on in general with pwBPD when it comes to picking who to recycle or not with. Who they are drawn to is a different topic, covered many places on these boards.
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BleedsOrange
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 01:56:40 PM »

When they need something. When there isnt someone to fill that need. When you seem like the most acceptable or easiest person to fill that need. When they need something.
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ricky rick

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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 02:18:52 PM »

Wow charred... .  Im speechless. Im so sorry as to hear about your story. I always look at mine as being bad until you hear someone elses story. You have been through hell and back. I cant top that one. but as you say in your story, It really doesnt matter what we do to avoid them, NC, deleating all things, changing phone numbers, ect. they will find a way. Ive only been out of my relationship for about 4 months now. I have that anxiety that she will never truely go away. At some point she will contact me. could be 10 years from now. And then what... .  
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ricky rick

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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 02:24:33 PM »

To add to that charred, My ex also had gained some weight. Most likely from drinking. She had also changed her hair color because at the time she was with a biker. ( Not bashing bikers ) So her hair was dark, wore dark eye make up ect. was totally not her. She must have been mirroring the person she was with. this all of course was after i was recycled that i saw this.
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Jay08
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2013, 02:26:56 PM »

When they need something. When there isnt someone to fill that need. When you seem like the most acceptable or easiest person to fill that need. When they need something.

I think its a little deeper than this. As charred pointed out, they do get connections with people. Just because they don't "love" like we do does not mean they have absolutely zero feelings.

Infatuation is a very strong emotion and can easily be confused with love and create other emotions within people. Im sure they have more feelings for some exes than others.

My ex would ALWAYS talk about her first boyfriend, and always stalk his facebook. She was in countless relationships remember, but for some reason she always had this thing for her first. And when we broke up the first time she ran right to him and begged him to come back to her. Second time, same thing. He denied her everytime, but to this day she still runs to him, even though he denies her.

Its more complex than "they go through everyone the same" or "finding the easiest target". They do replace you with an easier target, but because they can not grieve properly they do at some points begin to miss you.
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maria1
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2013, 02:35:07 PM »

Hi Ricky rick

My ex wants me to recycle. I think he sees/saw in me a possible wife. He was married for 13 years and he has split his ex wife absolutely black. She was his cover for getting his needs met however he wanted it whilst being a 'happily married man'. I don't think he was physically unfaithful to her but he was certainly emotionally unfaithful.

You ask what will happen in 10 years time if your ex tries to recycle you. That depends on who you are in 10 years time. You won't be who you are now. My ex has given up trying to recycle me because I don't drop everything and run whenever he has a problem. I don't pick up the manipulative baits of 'poor me' he sprinkles into any contact we have. I always used to cater to his every whim.

But I never joined him against his ex wife. I think he respects me for that still. Because he still has some respect for her below it all and he knows he was impossible to live with. And he also respects me for not going back. I'll always be that elusive one who doesn't cave in to his bullying. He didn't abuse me because I always left when he became abusive. He respects me for not accepting that part but for accepting that it was part of him.

Look to yourself, work on yourself. You won't want her back. So it won't matter when she comes knocking. You'll have worked out the problems that allowed you to be in a dysfunctional relationship in the first place.

Good luck with it. I'm not suggesting it's easy!

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BleedsOrange
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2013, 02:51:12 PM »

Let me clarify. I kept it brief because of time restraints. I know they love in their own way. I know that she adored me in her own way. The lessening and lessening of any reciprocity as far as my needs were concerned and the increase and further increase of not necessarily the amount of needs but the severity of their importance and the consequences of them, lead me to believe that she NEEDED the relationship for whatever reason. Did she love me? yes. Was there love somewhere in that relationship? You betcha. Did I let her come back over and over because of both love and need on my part. Of that much, I am sure. I am not trying to demonize. Infatuation? Yes. She said she had wanted me for upwards of ten years- since we first met. By the time we had gotten together I think she had some picture of me derived from want and need that just never existed. Still, while I know she did love the true parts of me to an extent, her NEED for that fictional me drove much of it.

The most telling thing she ever told me- wait, one of a bevy- was during the final split:

"I dont NEED you to take care of me anymore."

Once that need was gone, I was of no use... .  well plus the love between us was dead dead dead, but that need played a central role for both of us. I liked being needed. By the end I NEEDED her validation, and the less and less she needed me the further we grew apart.

Some of this is normal for any breakup, but a lot of it was not. I've been through plenty and no evolution, nor de-evolution (HA! Devo) of any relationship I've had has been like this. I think all of the need covering up and distorting the love was certainly a contributing factor to the amount and breakdown of the recycles.
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charred
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2013, 02:57:01 PM »

I was trying to explain the big process the way I saw it working with my exBPDgf... .  when she was not being emotionally weird... I think I was her first choice and that is why she came back ... .  all told about 7 times, she asked me to marry her twice, and according to her (and her folks) I am only one she did that with. So I do think they have emotions, loving feelings, attachment... .  regulated by an emotional 3 yr old.

Ricky rick... wasn't trying to one up anyone... .  and I only barely scuffed the surface, OMG she has been the train wreck of my life. Gave up a going business (3 medical offices)... moved away from family, friends, home... to get away, then prompted to divorce after 20+ yrs... that alone is horrible, I lost a second really good job (consulting company paid me $125 hr day in/day out. blew it from her calling 30 times a day) and for what... she is not in my life now. To me the worst thing, the thing that has me in therapy finally... .  is that despite all that I still feel like I want her back... and that is how I know I have issues that need fixing.

They are need driven no doubt. My exBPDgf was a wallflower and sap enough energy to get back to cycling through men again, and her need for me dropped. She still taunts me on FB ... looks fantastic for a 48yr old woman... and will probably seek me out whenever her needs are not met and she thinks I might come to the rescue.
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maria1
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2013, 03:08:38 PM »

Yes it is all about needs. Mine told me he 'needed' a relationship that was 'lighter', where there was 'room for secrets'. He said he couldn't cope with me being inside his head. We were 'too close'

Now he wants me back because I have an ability to get inside his head, or so he says. I think he just hasn't found someone who meets as many needs. Yet.

But I still think he loved me, in his way.

It's not logical except in terms of the disorder.
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SunflowerFields
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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2013, 03:24:44 PM »

why am I being recycled instead of someone else?

Is there a reason you are assuming that someone else is not being recycled at the same time as you?

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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maria1
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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2013, 03:29:08 PM »

Absolutely Sunflowerfields!

One tool that helped me detach is that I can imagine him saying all the same things to other women as he says to me! I've said that to him too and he says he can't believe I could possibly think that.

Try it, if you're struggling to NOT believe the words he/she says. And put the words and promises against the actions. Do you really believe this time will be different?
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charred
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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2013, 03:30:28 PM »

My exBPDgf is vacillating between wanting me back or not. I think she is bugged at my insight in to her issues, she has belittled me on everything, argued everything, except that. She told me she was diagnosed BPD about 15 yrs back... had what she thought was a great T, and ... then she paints him black and tries to get his license pulled. It is always something with them. Nothing was ever her fault, always mine. I can follow how she makes decisions now, and it explains a lot. The emotional retardation and utter lack of empathy is so clear to me now, that I don't think I could ever go back, as I would see things to talk me out of it before I was fully back.

I think she loved me as much as she could... .  I have no doubt she hurt from me dumping her... but it was what passed for love for her, her "need for me" more than anything, as a validater. Any new one would be much easier to control than I am (we once argued for 7 hrs... I am pretty strong willed, and tried to pin her down and make her accountable... .  so she dumped me... then we recycled.)

Told me I "made her Ugly" once... not by anything I said (was very complimentary... was in love and thought she was beautiful)... but by my actions in going back to my exwife and trying to reconcile a few times. That kind of leap of logic is infantile... .  and not logical except in terms of the disorder.

Seems like there would be a booming need for good T's. Maybe that is the next big thing.
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Tausk
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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2013, 03:50:22 PM »

If I cut off all access to me.  And I never initiate contact, never respond to any contact, and basically live my life as if my ex died (which in a sense happend as a small child),  then I will never be recycled.

That's why someone else will be recycled.

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ricky rick

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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2013, 03:52:53 PM »

Yes Booming T's would be a good thing. there arent too many around. Supports groups in our areas would be nice also so we could actually become connected to live people who understand us and could become friends. I cant find anything in my area. I think people tend to shy away from it all. Maybe Ill suggest a cruise that all of us on BPD Family can go on and we can get to know eachother better. LOL! See some real faces!
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charred
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« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2013, 03:58:19 PM »

Schroder's Piano... .  true, if you make it impossible, it won't happen. Takes some serious backbone to do that, given how we feel.

Ricky Rick... a cruise... .  aboard the "unlucky in love" boat? Would be an interesting reality show.
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bpdspell
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« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2013, 04:05:47 PM »

This has been a question that confuses me to death. I mean, we all have done our homework on BPD and the way i look at it is this... .  Most BPDs have a supply of hosts. If thats the case why would one ever want to come back to us? Even if the BPD runs out of hosts, why am I being recycled instead of someone else? Ive been recycled once already.

First things first. If you're recycled its a mutual choice and decision made between two people. We cannot "get" recycled by them if we don't allow them to. They are not all powerful; we can give them boundaries and that includes refraining from the spiraling abyss of BPD.

As much as we'd like to we cannot read the minds of our BPD ex's or interpret their disordered thinking. They recycle for the reasons we suspect as well as supporting their need to survive and avoid feelings of aloneness. People with BPD are human so yes they can be more fond of some ex's than others but in the end all people get the same disordered treatment. If anyone gets close the push/pull and projection will happen. It's a part of the disorder.

It may stroke the ego or feel validating for some to be recycled but in the long run the disorder always wins.

Spell
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myself
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« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2013, 04:12:05 PM »

Some exes allow the recycle to happen, wanting it as well.

Some are stronger than others and don't go back.

Some have been wronged so badly the pwBPD stays away.

Some were wronged but continue being doormats.

Some were truly caring people the pwBPD feels to lean on.

Some were actually harmful to them so they know to not return.

Some they really did feel love with. Some, they didn't.

Sometimes it's just there's no one else available.

So much of this is just the patterns playing out, nothing personal.
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BleedsOrange
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« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2013, 04:21:48 PM »

You know there is one weird thing: Since we had been friends so long (how often do I start sentences out with that?), I was aware of her other relationships. I dont remember her playing this out with anyone else. I dont really care to figure it out, but Its probable that the messed up parts of both of us at the time just played right into it.

So maybe thats the answer (even though the answer to why THEY do anything is of no real importance in the long run): its just the right pins in the lock lining up at the right time. It takes two, after all.
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