who you are vs how your BPD relatives see you

[lipsticklibrarian]

I made a comment on one of the boards and decided to turn it in to a topic of it's own.

When I left home I found that a lot of the things my BPD mother said about me were lies so I had a distorted view of who I was. She was very critical of me and I thought I was a much weaker person than I've discovered I am.

So I want to do an activity with you guys (oh dear the teacher in me is coming out!)

Write down who your parents told you you were and then compare it to who you have discovered you really are through your life experiences, what your good friends, relationships have told you.

I'll start with mine as an example

My mother and stepfather told me I was

Stupid, vain, weak, slow, lazy, self centred, a ___ up, rude, pathetic, ungrateful, forgetful and embarrassing to them

My friends/ co workers/ boyfriend have told me I am

Brave, clever, funny, kind, considerate, thoughtful, strong, interesting, independent, sensible, loving and fun.

[GeekyGirl]

This is a good exercise, and a question that we all have to ask ourselves. We've been conditioned to think that we're a certain way, but as we grow as individuals, we find that we're not the people our parents lead us to think we are.

Can we tweak it a bit? How about we look at the question: what do you think makes you who you are, outside of what your parents and friends/co-workers and boyfriend think?

What makes me who I am: I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm empathetic. I'm a mother and a wife, a friend and boss, but no single role defines me. I'm creative. I'm a lousy dancer but a good cook.  

[LadyLuck]

It's so obvious, I should've done this years ago.

My mother thinks I am:

- selfish

- ungrateful

- lazy

- heartless

- uncaring

- unforgiving

- a liar

- not capable of ever being a mother

My husband and the rest of my family think I am:

- generous

- gracious

- loving

- intelligent

- talented

- trustworthy

Mom's aware of this... .so she thinks I just treat her badly and am awesome to everyone else.

[Phoenix09]

I EARNED a very prestigious internship right out of college.  My mother made every excuse in the book as to how I "GOT" that internship because someone, somewhere must have pulled strings for me.  Only problem with that was that she couldn't figure out who would have done that for me!  Who would possibly think that I was worth it.

Immediately following my internship, I was offered my dream job working with troubled kids in an outdoor camp.  My mother worked on me night and day telling me that it was a horrible job and I would fail at it and I would be unhappy.  I got scared and backed out of it.  Two years ago (15 years after my initial job offer), I dropped everything.  Left a good job, my apartment, sold most of my stuff and spent four months living out of a tent as I worked with young adults.  It was the most amazing summer of my life and it quite literally changed my life.

The day that my mother made the comment "you've gone and done everything you ever wanted despite me" - I wanted to respond with "no mom - I did it to SPITE you!".  Folks look at my resume and hear my story and think I am amazing.  My mother still considers me "a lost cause" (direct quote!). 

[Sola Gratia]

I've had similar experiences.  I went back to school as an adult to get my masters in environmental science.  Several classes were really rough.  Moms response to me was, "well, you didn't have to pick something so hard!"

Now I'm friends with older people who can't believe I'm so functional! 

[Gerda]

My mom says "you just have no ambition." She never graduated from high school, while I have a Master of Science in Biology.

My mom says "You have terrible social skills." I have a wonderful circle of supportive friends, while she doesn't have any friends.

My mom would always say, "You'll never get a man if you [do that/be that way]." I'm happily married to a wonderful husband, while she's had three husbands and three divorces and is looking for number four.

With that evidence under my belt, I'm trying to challenge some of the other "truths" I've been taught by her over the years. Maybe she's wrong about those too. For example, I'd like to have kids, but she thinks I couldn't handle it. Well, I've handled a lot of other stuff in my life that she never seemed to manage to do. Mom says I am really cold and lack empathy. Maybe to her, "lacking empathy" really means, "having boundaries and not agreeing with everything I say." Interestingly enough, nobody else I know think I lack empathy.

I think there was an exercise like this in Surviving a Borderline Parent, which I just read. It's really pretty amazing (and sometimes even unsettling) when all these "truths" you believed about yourself turn out to not be true, just projects that were put on your by your BPD parent. The problem is then you have to figure out what kind of person you ACTUALLY are, when here you are already in your 20's or 30's or 40's.

[WiseMind]

I've had similar experiences.  I went back to school as an adult to get my masters in environmental science.  Several classes were really rough.  Moms response to me was, "well, you didn't have to pick something so hard!"

Now I'm friends with older people who can't believe I'm so functional! 

I know I'm not answering the topic question at hand, but I had to respond to this since I am 3 weeks from finishing my masters in IT. My mom belittles it by asking me recently (I've been in this program for almost 2 years now), 'so this is your bachelor's degree?' Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I earned my bachelor's degree years ago and she is well aware. She is acting like she couldn't care and doesn't know what is going on with me, when she's known since day 1 what program I was in. So I can empathize with you, Sola Gratia.

[BiancaRose]

This is a really good exercise and exactly what I need right now, because Mommie Dearest has really gotten under my skin with her latest bout of accusations and ad-hominem attacks. So . . .

My mother thinks I am:

- selfish

- lazy

- disorganized

- credulous

- arrogant

- unloving

- immoral

- naive

- thoughtless

- indecorous

- flighty

But other people in my life have told me I am:

- intelligent

- industrious

- generous to the point of being TOO giving

- loving

- thoughtful

- considerate

- insightful

- unselfish

- empathic

- strong

- lovable

I feel like I should print out those lists and post them somewhere where I'll see them every five minutes. Maybe get them tattooed on my arm or something. A very helpful exercise.

 BiancaRose

[Cordelia]

I love this. 

My mother said I was:

Cold

Heartless

Ambitious to the point of stepping on others to get what I want

Selfish

Unsuited for loving relationships

Malicious

Manipulative

Desperate for attention

Deceptive

No personal integrity

I actually am:

Loving

Nurturing

Able to achieve a healthy work-life balance

Able to distinguish between those I want in my life and those I don't based on my personal values

Honest with others

Respectful of others

Introverted -meaning that although I like being with others, I also quite enjoy being on my own, and even find it more restful and rewarding than social activities.  This isn't good or bad but definitely doesn't jibe with my mom's accusations of being manipulative or desperate for attention.

Looking at this list I see that the things my mom said about me were actually quite accurate to how she herself behaved.  It's so clear that she never really knew me, never really saw me, she was so thick in the depths of her disease she couldn't see anything outside of her self-hatred and self-deception.  Although I know this intellectually, it's still good to see it laid out in black and white!

[BiancaRose]

Heyyyy, Cordelia, good point! I know about borderline projection, but I never considered that the ways my mother devalues me actually might represent the ways she thinks she herself isn't very valuable. Well worth looking at! Thanks!

[cindergirl]

OMG! I just did this exercise yesterday because of a book I'm reading and working through. Boy did I find it eye opening and helpful! It's like you're replacing all the negative traits your mom 'gave' you with positive traits that are really you. I've almost felt a bit 'lighter' since doing that activity. And BiancaRose that is another thing the book said, that  what she's projecting onto me is actually how she feels about herself.

But funny how my mom can say all these bad things about me when it's just us, but I'm all sunshine and rainbows when outsiders are aroun. 

My mother says I'm:

lazy, dirty, a pig, not a good mother, not responsible, disrespectful, a horrible daughter, mean, cruel, selfish, a btch, ungrateful, selfish, a liar, vengeful

I'm actually:

responsible, loving, caring, empathetic, organized, helpful, funny, intelligent, nurturing, respectful, spritual, considerate, a good daughter, honest, a good mother, a good friend and wife true

[hopesprings]

This is exactly what I'm struggling with right now! 

My mother says I am:

a liar

selfish

manipulative

unforgiving

mean

and then she tells me she loves me and I can always count on family.  Talk about a head trip.  It is sort of like I'm so awful that nobody else could ever want to be around me except her.

My husband and friends tell me I am:

kind

capable

smart

talented

patient

a great listener

a great friend

organized

caring

loyal

and the hard part is that after a bad encounter with my mom, it takes me days to reconnect with the many years of positive comments from other people.  I have to mentally and spiritually deconstruct my mother's comments. It is hard to discount what my mother says even though, my whole life, nobody outside my family of origin has ever called me any of those things.

An emotional part of me still thinks she must know me better than all those other people, over all those years, because she is my mother.  The rational side of me knows that my mother has some very disordered ideas that are in no way a reflection of me.  Not easy.

[hopeforhealing]

What a great thread!  I'll give it a whirl!

My mother has said, implied, or programmed me to believe I am:

Rigid

Egocentric

Self-martyring

Selfish

Self absorbed

Inconsiderate

Too sensitive

Ungrateful

Lazy

Delusional

Attention seeking

Unaware of myself or my true nature, which only she can see

When in reality I am:

Very adaptable

Thoughtful

Kind

Compassionate

Self-aware

Considerate of others

Hardworking

Courageous

Inspiring

Inventive

Committed to improving my life

[Speedracer]

Oh Gerda, I was just reading through this and can relate. I too have a BPD mom, a wonderful husband, and a biology degree! My mom always criticized and complained! Your paragraph about having children were my thoughts exactly, surely I'd do a damn better job than my mom! Please be careful what you wish for. I have 3 challenged children, my oldest dd16, is BPD, my grandmother says is a replica of my mom! I am pouring all I can into giving her the best foundation for a better future than my mom. Beware the cycle can continue! I moved states away to get away from my mom and I am raising a replica of her. BPD can be quite genetic, esp on the maternal side!

And I agree with all the posts here!