pretrial conference today; threats yesterday

[nowheretogo]

Pretrial conference scheduled for today at 2:30.  H was extinction bursting last night, I suppose.  Yelling, saying, if his L has to walk into that courtroom tomorrow, that WE'RE DONE, IT'S GONNA BE ON, I'VE GOT STUFF ON YOU THAT YOU DON'T EVEN THINK I COULD HAVE, CHRISTMAS WILL BE OVER, I GOING TO MAKE LIFE MISERABLE FOR EVERYONE, I WON'T BE HELPING ANYONE AROUND HERE.  This is going to cost me $350, and that was the last of my Christmas money.

He didn't seem to know it was just for Ls and judge until I told him last night, and then he said all of this stuff.

 

I spoke with L briefly this morning.  The pretrial conf. is for a divorce master (basically an at-fault divorce case), which the judge will decide today whether to schedule a hearing for.  What we REALLY want to do is to have H settle with a fairly large sum of cash, etc.  H has refused to leave the house since I filed, most likely because I pay all of the bills.  He has had a PT job since end of Sept., and was unemployed for 13 mos prior to that (which he blames on me).

The reason I am writing is because I did NOT have L cancel the conference today, but I still have to go home tonight.  And although I have come home many times after things like filing for divorce, etc, I am still extremely worried.

[gina louise]

you have every right to feel worried and fearful. your HUSBAND sounds upset and threatening.

My HUSBAND did the same thing and basically forced me to flee nearly overnight-before my rental was inhabitable. (no heat, no hot water no fridge)

extinction bursts of extra foul/loud antagonistic behavior are common I think, but harsh and scary all the same.

Can you have friends or family go home with you? so you can assess the climate safely?

or Maybe the sheriff or local PD can escort you- at least to the door.

it doesn't hurt to be safe.

GL

[nowheretogo]

I am not *truly* worried for my safety.  I just hate the feeling I have while present during these times.  Not to mention I am still getting over a bad GI virus.  And my kids are always there hearing it, too (S7 with another father, and D2 with H).  It just feels so bad, and I always want to reassure him that I just want divorce, not war, but nothing I would ever say would ever help, so I always sit silently and let him assassinate me with his words.

[ForeverDad]

I still say, record this.  They may never be needed, but someday one of the professionals may need to hear it.

nothing I would ever say would ever help, so I always sit silently and let him assassinate me with his words.

I don't know if that a good thing to do, to not say STOP.  Yes, court apparently is letting the spouses live together while the divorce proceeds.  However, this sounds on the edge of abusive to me, even if not physical.  Have you checked with the police or courts about what qualifies for seeking a protection order?  I've heard that in some places just saying "I'm fearful" is enough to get the jerk/bum/whatever out.  But be aware that if you do, you can't say you're fearful (either of what he's doing or might do) and then at other times/situations say you're not.  If that happened his lawyer would say you're inconsistent, not really fearful and ask the judge to dismiss the petition.

Isn't he the one who was recording you when you were trying to seek out family cooperation, claiming he was fearful of you?  You know his strategy, just not whether he would use it.  You may have to be the one to seek protection from him - and not wait for him to seek protection from you.

If he was out, you'd have a measure of peace.  Also, with a history of a RO of some sort he might have less leverage for significant parenting time and even some financial support.

[nowheretogo]

No, I don't think he has ever recorded me.  I have never really said or done anything worth recording, to be honest, and I would be perfectly comfortable with him recording me at any time.  I recorded him once with my cell phone, but I said something about "I'm going to record you" and then he made threats to me about if he ever finds out I recorded him, etc, and I got paranoid and deleted the recordings from my phone.  I have often wanted to have recordings, but can't figure out how to do it without being caught.

L said he would call after the conference today and I haven't heard from him.

[livednlearned]

If I remember correctly, he drinks? And he's verbally threatening and physically intimidating? He's also being pushed out and abandoned (in his mind) by you, and it's likely he knows he's in a losing battle. Desperate people do desperate things. It worries me that you might not be able to sense the danger you're in. Maybe he won't do anything physical to you, but he might do something else that jeopardizes your safety, or your kids' safety in some way.

Do you have a plan for what you'll do if things get out of hand?

[catnap]

How are things going nowhere?  Hope you are feeling better after your GI virus.

[nowheretogo]

Well, obviously I have survived since the pretrial conference.  He only said that he told me that if his attorney had to set foot in that courtroom that he was done, and that he is done.  That was that night. 

As an update, there is another pretrial conference set for next Tuesday, Jan, 22nd.  My L said that the first one went really well for me.  That he mentioned the abuse, alcohol, and sexual stuff to the judge and the judge said if that was true, he wouln't have trouble finding fault with that.  Set a second pretrial conference because H's L wasn't prepared enough, and to give one more chance to try to come to an agreement without having to go to the divorce master hearing (to hear the at-fault divorce case), which is scheduled for March 1st. 

I imagine H and his L will present unrealistic terms of settlement, and thus force the divorce master.  H doesn't believe anything is his fault, so he probably thinks he can prove it's all my fault.  I don't know what he has planned.  I just know that he does NOT want to get divorced or move out of the house, and boy, is it going to get nasty at some point. 

He even said the other day "well, we don't even know if we'll still be together (in the summer) because we're going to court."  My point is that he still hasn't accepted reality.  And he still says "If we get divorced, it's because you wanted it, not because I did anything wrong."

[livednlearned]

My L said that the first one went really well for me. 

What plans are in place for him to move out?

[nowheretogo]

None.

L told me that if we go to the divorce master and the divorce becomes finalized, then he would be ordered to leave by the court.  He won't go anywhere otherwise.