"You just dont get me"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've heard these words more than I can count. I know he's in pain when he says it. I validate that not being understood must hurt, I'm trying.

This time it came after a discussion that started with him telling me he's no longer all that interested in attending DBT and staying with meds. That he was really only doing it because I made him and I make everything that happens in our relationship a big deal. His raging, the suicide threats, throwing things, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and pot smoking really weren't/aren't as big a deal as I made them out to be and in addition to that he wants to remind me that I played a part in causing them. We weren't yelling but the past few days haven't been good.

I told him that I accept his decision about therapy and meds, all I care about is a healthy relationship, but I also shared with him that it scared me because of the past cycles, that have started just like this- quitting T. And this is where it sets him off saying I can't let go of the past, I'm so negative. Which leads to him saying that I can't accept the way he was raised (not true, I accept it but would like to raise our children differently) he doesn't understand why we have to talk about how we would raise kids anyways (we are 30, own a house together and both want kids... .) and he says why can't I just forgive him and forget about the past. To which I replied, have you forgotten your past? I can forgive but not forget.

And somewhere after that I just get the "how can I love you when you hold onto my past and our past. You just dont get me."   ARG!

How can I love him when one day he can open up his word to me and say one thing, and the next day its the complete opposite? How can I be loving and supportive to two completely opposite theories, and almost people? How can I GET someone who is CONSTANTLY changing?

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! I don't know if HE even gets himself?

[Peace4ME]

I've heard these words more than I can count. I know he's in pain when he says it. I validate that not being understood must hurt, I'm trying.

This time it came after a discussion that started with him telling me he's no longer all that interested in attending DBT and staying with meds. That he was really only doing it because I made him and I make everything that happens in our relationship a big deal. His raging, the suicide threats, throwing things, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and pot smoking really weren't/aren't as big a deal as I made them out to be and in addition to that he wants to remind me that I played a part in causing them. We weren't yelling but the past few days haven't been good.

I told him that I accept his decision about therapy and meds, all I care about is a healthy relationship, but I also shared with him that it scared me because of the past cycles, that have started just like this- quitting T. And this is where it sets him off saying I can't let go of the past, I'm so negative. Which leads to him saying that I can't accept the way he was raised (not true, I accept it but would like to raise our children differently) he doesn't understand why we have to talk about how we would raise kids anyways (we are 30, own a house together and both want kids... .) and he says why can't I just forgive him and forget about the past. To which I replied, have you forgotten your past? I can forgive but not forget.

And somewhere after that I just get the "how can I love you when you hold onto my past and our past. You just dont get me."   ARG!

How can I love him when one day he can open up his word to me and say one thing, and the next day its the complete opposite? How can I be loving and supportive to two completely opposite theories, and almost people? How can I GET someone who is CONSTANTLY changing?

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! I don't know if HE even gets himself?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

You "get" him.

You just don't agree with him.

Probably he needs validated in some way that you may not be doing it, so he feels understood, even if you do not agree.

Sometimes this is a fine line between making sure they know you understand while you also are not agreeing. You have a right to your own thoughts and feelings, too. He want to be understood, though and doesn't want to hear *it seems* right now about what you feel, want, or think.

Sucks  for you, but probably that is what he needs to calm down and think about getting back to DBT, etc.

[Peace4ME]

You "get" him.

You just don't agree with him.

Probably he needs validated in some way that you may not be doing it, so he feels understood, even if you do not agree.

Sometimes this is a fine line between making sure they know you understand while you also are not agreeing. You have a right to your own thoughts and feelings, too. He want to be understood, though and doesn't want to hear *it seems* right now about what you feel, want, or think.

Sucks  for you, but probably that is what he needs to calm down and think about getting back to DBT, etc.

I agree this is definitely a fine line validation issue. I was very afraid to validate in a way that made it sound like I did agree with him, because I don't. It hurts him that I still feel the hurtful things he's done to me. He wants to forget them and he wants me to forget them. I'm certainly not rubbing them in his face, but I opened up and told him it makes me anxious. I should remember he can't handle that. He can't handle his own feelings much less console me with my own.

Must keep reading validation so that it comes naturally even in tricky times like this. I just hate the idea that he may think i'm ok with this constant mind bending flip flopping Jekyll and hide decision making. Black today, white tomorrow. It drives me nuts, .

[united for now]

Research is showing that the more we argue against someones position/belief - the stronger they will cling to it.

This means the more you try to convince him, the more he will resist. Logic won't help. In fact, logic makes it worse  

I understand your frustration.

I truly do... .

I also know that we can't want something more than they do.

He has to want to get better.

He has to believe that he needs to get better.

Anything less is him going through the motions and not making any real changes. That old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is very true.

We can't want it more than they do... .

So where does that leave you?

Back to square one - radical acceptance and a deep examination of your own values.

He is who he is - a person who isn't ready to change or admit he needs to change.

You are who you are - a person who wants stability and happiness and a family.

Whether he fits in with your core values is only something you can determine... .

We can't want it more than they do... .

I cried my eyeballs out when this fully hit me. Its a sad part of loving someone who is mentally ill.

[CodependentHusband]

I cried my eyeballs out when this fully hit me. Its a sad part of loving someone who is mentally ill.

Stated so well, UFN! So painful, but, honestly the last of the really bad days. After that, things really started getting so much better every day.

[Peace4ME]

I also know that we can't want something more than they do.

He has to want to get better.

He has to believe that he needs to get better.

Anything less is him going through the motions and not making any real changes. That old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is very true.

We can't want it more than they do... .  

So where does that leave you?

Back to square one - radical acceptance and a deep examination of your own values.

UPDATE:

He stuck with his appointments last week and this week. However, all he does is complain about them, say they aren’t really working and get overwhelmed with the “homework” which is a 5 minute daily log of emotions and feelings. He says he wants to get better but its not working.

He forgot his Psych appt and let one of his meds run out so he went cold turkey. Thinks they aren’t working anyways so what’s the big deal.

However, the past 3-4 days have been REALLY bad. No raging, but extreme depression, suicidal thoughts but he swears he would never act on them. Coincidence? I doubt it, but he doesn’t really want to recognize the connection.

Yesterday was so sad. He was miserable. Lost. Deep into depression. Didn’t want me to leave his side, yet extremely apologetic for being so needy and depressing. Telling me I’m too good for him and I need to find someone else who won’t bring me down. The sad thing is I’m torn between agreeing with that statement, and telling him that he is worth loving and a good person, which he is, but if he can’t believe it himself… Then like you said, it’s me wanting it more than he does.

It’s hard to still imagine leaving someone when the nasty side has subsided and you are left with a depressed shell of a person that really doesn’t believe there is hope. But this isn’t the life I want. He needs to take control of his life and happiness. I can’t do it for him.

I have a timeline for myself; obviously I don’t tell him this. I don’t want to use any of this as a threat for leaving. But what do I do? Put in 100% until the day I decide to leave, yet not give him a hint that it is going to happen?

[yeeter]

And for me at least, I would say that

No, I really cant genuinely 'get' you.

Its never really going to happen, because Im not you and my mind is not programmed the same way - this is true for anyone.

I can empathize.  I can learn.  I can listen... .  really listen.  I can pick up pieces of understanding.  But I cannot ever fully, in every way, 'get' a different person than myself (heck, Im still figuring myself out!)

So I wouldnt take this as an accusation, nor a bad thing.  It is to be expected.

We all want someone else to get us... .  but its a false ideal.  Given this, he will have to learn to live without it, as we all do.

You cant do it for them.

I love this line - maybe from UFN but have used it many times in the past:

"I refuse to care about xyz more than you do"

The context was with an adult child not taking responsibility, but the parent was always bailing them out (enabling), and becoming frustrated.  The person had choices - and didnt make the same choices that the parent felt was the 'right' one (like spending money on health insurance) - so the parent picked it up for them.  Finally they realized the enabling nature, and just decided that if this was genuinely important to that person, they would prioritize and make it happen.  But didnt.  So the parent was caring about something more than the person affected cared about it.

I have a younger brother that is on a terrible path with his life.  A time bomb waiting to go off.  But I cant fix it for him, and I wont enable it (by providing him a place to live or paying for doctor bills when he gets sick).  That is, I refuse to care about his future more than he does.  If he prioritized it he could make it work, and I would be there to support him all the way.  But until he does... .  not my problem (and Im not going to make it my problem either)

[gina louise]

Peace4ME and yeeter

off topic... .  BUT,

    "I refuse to care about xyz more than you do"


this, THIS is the line for the response on the Bridge! The way I see it, this is the only adult reply to an irrational/erratic stance or mind set. (towards another adult)

GL

[gina louise]

 Peace4ME,

I used to be the Queen of JADE... .  now I am trying to be the Ninja of Validation.

I have heard the same  "you don't get me" words from my H. Spoken as a sigh of lament, hurled as an accusation, just tossed into an argument so he can be "Right"-and I Lose.

You can always validate... .  even when your pwBPD says the sky is falling or the Moon really is made of blue cheese. to THEM... .  it is! and you can validate that.

it's easy... .  you say simply and factually-I can SEE how you might FEEL that way... .  and embellish with his feelings-however irrational.(Like... .  "the moon does seem a bit cheesy looking tonight"... .  ) They are HIS feelings... .  so just say YES to them. Even to the anger.

Face it-some other people "might " very well FEEL the way he's feeling-as crazed as it might seem to you at the time. It's not impossible. So look for the shred of possibility that you can validate.

It doesn't mean you agree with him! It means you understand his feelings. that's ALL.

Look him in the eye, state it calmly and politely. And let it go. Whatever he says BACK at you is nonessential. the important part is that he's FELT heard by you. You acknowledged his feelings. Remember, to them, Feelings = Facts.

They really DO feel that WE can't/don't get them. And that's OK.

You can say something like: I can hear the sadness in your voice and I know a little of how bad you feel, It must suck to feel misunderstood. If I were you... .  I might feel the same way.(or "anyone" might feel that way)

It's like when a 5 year old wails "I HATE YOuuuu! BAD Stupid Mommy!" and tantrums.

Parents understand that it's a passing feeling, a reaction to frustration, a reaction to perceived needs NOT being immediately met. They validate... .  and say, "I know how you feel when I say no candy before supper. Candy sounds SO GOOD right now, and anyone would want some!" The End.

No Buts, no stbxBPDhplanations, No Objections, no If's... .  Just validate the feeling.(their feeling) and let go.

If you follow validation with BUT it can't BE that way... .  or IF only you would do XYZ... .  that's IN-validating. So be careful.

GL

[united for now]

Being his teddy bear that he clings to isn't healthy either... .  

Depression is treatable, .33 effect size (above standard deviation) with medicine and .87  effect size (above standard deviation) with therapy. Breaking the pattern means doing things you don't "feel" liked doing - and doing them anyway... .  Take a walk. Go to lunch with a friend. Go visit family. Work out at the gym. Start knitting.

You can read about how to help a person who is depressed to get ideas.

You can't hide out with him though, sacrificing your life and your time trying to save him. Being his teddy bear doesn't help him cope any better. This doesn't mean kicking him to the curb, it means find the balance to offer him a hand up, not a hand out. He needs support and encouragement. Not enabling.

[Peace4ME]

You can't hide out with him though, sacrificing your life and your time trying to save him. Being his teddy bear doesn't help him cope any better. This doesn't mean kicking him to the curb, it means find the balance to offer him a hand up, not a hand out. He needs support and encouragement. Not enabling.

On New Year’s day that's exactly what I was, his Teddy Bear. Comforting and cuddling. I didn't bs him and tell him everything was going to be alright, but I definitely told him I was going to be there for him. I was his Teddy Bear and bordering on his mother. He was having suicidal thoughts again. Not like he was going to do it that moment, but that he was feeling helpless. He had an appt with both DBT and psych the next day, so what was I supposed to do besides comfort him?

Next day(yesterday), he had both appointments. My mothering teddy bear instincts were much less (plus I was at work). He was making the same complaints I’ve heard time after time. I was frustrated and firm but not rude. However, he sensed it and was not happy and still isn’t. He wants the teddy bear back.

Ugh, I am so frustrated. I know I need to find a middle ground and stick with it. But it really just SUCKS that this relationship is so complicated that I can’t be really comforting for my bf on a really bad day, because that’s the day I will get painted white and it will be expected of me forever. Then the next day, when he starts his I can’t do it routine and I have a slightly different tone I get painted black.

I’m not afraid to have my own life anymore. I do things when I want to do them and know when he is crossing my boundaries. BUT I am still in the FOG with how to tell someone that I care, but this is their problem that they need to fix. I know that it is, but how do you express that in a way that he will accept? To him, I might as well have said F u, I don’t give a crap.

[SunflowerFields]

BUT I am still in the FOG with how to tell someone that I care, but this is their problem that they need to fix.

"I see you're struggling with this. The problem sounds bad - how frustrating that must be for you! I have every confidence in you to resolve it!"

[HighFunctionBPDw]

You can say something like: I can hear the sadness in your voice and I know a little of how bad you feel, It must suck to feel misunderstood. If I were you... .  I might feel the same way.(or *anyone* might feel that way)

This would be very effective on disarming me. I have told my husband this before and even now I still believe it. Despite me giving more of myself to him than I've given to anyone in my life, I still hold back a little part... .  what I believe is the most unlovable part. So when I say, "you can't understand me," what my therapist has helped me understand is that I'm saying, "There's still something I'm holding back because I think you're going to leave me."

The best thing you can do is validate, validate, validate, and separate it from his experience and yours. Don't validate that you don't get him, but validate the feelings of loneliness he must have for feeling that way. Ask him to share why he feels that way (as long as he won't attack you, if he would, then don't bother).