Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 06, 2021, 11:49:13 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: His gift to me  (Read 438 times)
smartwoman220
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 82



« on: January 10, 2013, 09:18:38 PM »

So... .  I finally  completely  cleaned out the house.  I went by myself to  finish up the final cleaning.  I needed  to do it alone.  I cried a little. But mostly I sang. 

I have so much to be thankful for. Spell told me that pain I was feeling was my blessing and my gift,  but it would feel like my curse in the beginning.

Well Spell, you were absolutely right... .  

I've been pretty much on my own  for quite some time. My relationship with my son's dad was tumultuous, to say the least. He was broken too. He was a lot like my BPD, only more mild mannered.   We lived  together for the last year and a half of our relationship, but  we ALWAYS had drama.  Hindsight is 20/20... .  I honestly believe that  he has BPD tendencies as well.  When ever things got tough, he would jump ship, only to waive the white flag when I had dug us out of the hole.  Our break up was very  long and drawn out.  And when it was really over, he gave me hell.

When I began dating my BPD,  My son's dad and I  had been officially  broken up for around 6 months.   He was making my life  miserable, since we were not together and I had to deal with him  because of our child. I hated my life at the time. I was so lonely and  under a constant cloud.  I had forgotten who I was, and  was only doing  things ( buying clothes, going places) for my baby. 

And I was struggling. Big time. I wasn't getting any child support, and I had just lost my job  just before Christmas.


My BPD came  at a time when I was looking for something.  And boy, when showed up, he showed out. I was glowing again, I felt pretty, I felt like the 20-something I was. I had never, ever been happier with anyone else. I couldn't stop smiling,  we couldn't  stop touching each other, we  were constantly on the go ... .  wow Smiling (click to insert in post)

The two of them NEVER got along.  Some times it felt like I was in high school dealing with them. My BPD would go thru my phone and take his number out, and they  would call and threaten each other. My sons father would just pop up and randomly start stuff... .  They stressed me out big time.  But hey, I guess they recognized each other for what or who, they were. And the competition for mommy's attention was on ( that's how I feel about it now)


Needless to say, you guys know how things went with me and him.

I came out of this not only wounded in my head and my heart,  but also in my pocket. I had absolutely no clue where to start pulling my self back together. Its a damn shame too, because i make decent money. I must say... .  in all honesty, I got it going  on!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

So I was chatting with the DV counselor, and  told her what was going on, and she referred me to a life coaching program to help me get back on track.  I'll have a life coach/ counselor, a therapist and legal advocate for 2 years, as long as I am compliant with the program rules.  We met today, and  we are going to focus on  my "economic" set backs, as well as my co-dependency issues.  My son will also get therapy, even though he didn't  witness any of the physical abuse, he has heard way more than a little guy should have.

One of the  rules is, setting the environment for change. That wasn't a problem, since I was planning on moving any way, but they wanted me to leave my big stuff, so I could start fresh.  Now this scared me. My furniture  isn't brand new,  but it was mine. And, for a while, it was all I had.

And I have soo many ( delicious) memories connected to those things

So I was reluctant. Some thing inside me told me to go ahead and let it go... .  So I did.  A family is moving in to my sub division, and apparently, they recently lost everything in a house fire.  I got in contact with them thru the community center, and they were able to get the stuff today ( our bedroom sets, my kitchenette, sofa,love seat and armoire). 

I called my coach after I had made the arrangements ( talk about stepping out on faith!)  and she asked me how I felt. I was very honest... .  I'm scared out of my mind.

That when she told me she was going to make sure my new place was fully furnished. 

I never expected so many wonderful blessings.  My pain is slowing turning in to  my gifts .


I have tried things my own way for so long, and I just couldn't get it right. I was so afraid of being "alone", that I completely overlooked my family and friends who were by my side all the time. I felt like I needed a partner, especially since I was getting older.

So I'm ready to try something totally new. Yes, I held my breath before I jumped, but already, things are looking up. 

OH, one of the other rules is... .  IF by CHANCE I run in to him,  then it is my choice whether or not I speak with him, HOWEVER,  if he finds out where I live,  they will abort the mission Smiling (click to insert in post)  They have  his name and description, and  they  will have a police patrol the area where I live to make sure I am safe and to look out for him ( since he had been following me).


My feelings for him are not completely shut off. When things slow down at night, I think about him. When I see my  sister and her hubby cuddle up, I miss him. When I was cleaning  out our house, and throwing his things away ( his mom told me he didn't want them anymore, which was weird since his home boy has been calling and asking my  friend to pick them up... .  I mean what?  That BPD flip flop ... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))  I could feel him.


But like my life coach said... .  right now is the time to  be selfish.  I've never been that with any one.

I am, however, ready to try.



Logged
ambi
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 429



« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2013, 09:51:10 PM »

Just wanted to say this was a great post.  Life coaching sounds very interesting.   Congratulations on taking the next step in your journey.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
smartwoman220
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 82



« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2013, 10:02:13 PM »

Thank you Ambi!  my  family thinks this a little odd.  My  folks don't believe in counseling or my ex's mental illness. They  feel like I should just  hate him, suck it up, and just swallow it as if he was just a do nothing low life who played the game really well, and made a fool of me.

So they think I'm nuts ... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


But  i am  honestly excited about seeing how this turns out Smiling (click to insert in post).

I do keep thinking  about, and hoping that, something happens to him to  force him to get the help he needs.  I hate to think about myself getting well, and him still being sick, and it makes me sad.  I really hope he is ok.

Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2013, 11:23:46 PM »

right now is the time to  be selfish.  I've never been that with any one.

Same here, good for us. 'Selfish'= Self Focused.

YES it's time. Now is the time. It's Now right now.

This is a gift we are sharing with Ourselves.

I hate to think about myself getting well, and him still being sick, and it makes me sad.

This is the gift of compassion, which you'll continue sharing.

With Yourself, now, as well. You need this too.

'His Gift To You' including the chance to be in the light you're seeing this in.

What a gift, the offering of our love.

Another: To be able to receive it.

Sorry for your pains, but encouraged, inspired, and happy for your healing.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!