Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:44:06 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How did your exBPD handle arguments?  (Read 704 times)
jp254958
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 185


« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2012, 05:15:12 AM »

One thing that always struck me is that I would say that I didn't want to argue with her, and that I wanted to find a compromise.  That I wanted to find a solution instead of arguing. Pretty healthy, right?  It is a way of conveying a sense of partnership, meeting halfway, and a willingness to put the relationship about principle or outside desires.  Win win.

I was told no, she wouldn't compromise.

You can't get anywhere with a person like that.
Logged
Newton
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1548


« Reply #31 on: December 27, 2012, 05:57:02 AM »

Diana... .members here genuinely care about you... .many of us have been through the same confusion and bewilderment that you seem to be experiencing now... .It takes up a lot of our time and energy both emotionally and physically... .

Can I suggest you do something really good for YOU today... .take some time to read the post from TemptingFate... .perhaps more than once    ... .they are very wise words.

Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #32 on: December 27, 2012, 07:31:39 AM »

One thing that always struck me is that I would say that I didn't want to argue with her, and that I wanted to find a compromise.  That I wanted to find a solution instead of arguing. Pretty healthy, right?  It is a way of conveying a sense of partnership, meeting halfway, and a willingness to put the relationship about principle or outside desires.  Win win.

I was told no, she wouldn't compromise.

You can't get anywhere with a person like that.

Forgot about that... oh yeah, same here. She would say she wouldn't compromise, if I revisited whatever we discussed (like being decent to my exwife instead of me treating her like evil incarnate the way my exBPDgf wanted)... she would claim that the topic was "off limits" and that all she could do was dance around my issues. It was splitting on everything, all was black/white... and she chose what would be black/white with very little chance of anything changing.

I mentioned FB... and that my exBPDgf was going through all those scripts/persona's. Well, I posted a status that my daughter and I had a nice time seeing grandma for Christmas. That status, flipped the exBPDgf to be vitriolic... claiming I had no life, and that the past was dead now, etc... just the mention of my daughter... who wants to come between a child and her father? The degree of insecurity and irrationality is staggering. I had been thinking I really missed my exBPDgf, and that it was too bad I couldn't see her... .forgetting and minimizing the crazy factor. It is easy to forget things that happen, like my medical doctor talking to me about stress, getting a few stories and saying "run don't walk... .away from any person that is trying to come between you and your kid, they are sick", and then getting a T and hearing the same thing, and the T asking another T to come and listen to a few things I said ... .and that one saying same thing.

We KNOW we should run, it is like the Invasion of the Bodysnatchers movie, we knew this person that was sweet/lovable/sexy and they turned in to these sci-fi horror monsters and instead of running away, we are slowly walking around while the audience is yelling "get out of there"... .its all high drama, and everyone but us knows how it will turn out. Thats how it seems to me now.

Logged
Darknightx13
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 113


« Reply #33 on: December 27, 2012, 07:54:16 AM »

Diana

Different perceptions:

What you name over dramatic, its maybe normal for her.

A minor argument could be so important for her that she wrote a letter and printed it out.

A argument which is not that tough for you made her a panik attack.

Excerpt
I might be very resilient in arguments but her reactions just didn't seem right.

She is different from you.  This means not she is wrong! You are not wrong either.

Absolutely spot on, Surnia.  As is the case with essentially all people, and at the risk of sounding cliche, perception is reality.  One of the main difficulties that present when it comes to pwBPD is that their perceptions seem to lie far outside of what a "normal" range might be considered and their feelings about, or reactions to, their perceptions are so strong and also lie outside of that "normal", healthy range.  I think that's what really fuels their unhappiness because they cannot readily see their own thoughts, and especially feelings, as the thing that is most problematic in their turbulent relationships with others.  If they could, they might get help, get healthier and be able to have successful partnerships.
Logged
Mupetto
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 58



« Reply #34 on: December 29, 2012, 07:39:54 PM »

Each time I read posts like this my belief that she has BPD is reinforced. I find myself shaking my head in disbelief at the posts above.

One day a method of behaving or thinking was acceptable. The next day, it was not. Man I was permanently in a state of confusion. One day she would tell me she is easy going the next day she would rage on about some issue or another. And god help me if I trivialised an issue. We could spend days trying to resolve some minor matter that could be agreed on, by consistent thinking and reasonable people, in a minute.

What made matters for me was that we worked together and of course she was persecuted there. She had more enemies than friends – but they never knew it. She would treat them well to their face – but share her disgust with them to me and insist that I righted some wrong deed done to her. So I also quickly accumulated her enemies as my enemies and as I am, what I appear to be, these people would talk to her but not to me. Because she was friendly – I could just scream at the insanity of it all.

It eventually occurred to me that she had to have both and issue and enemy and often I was the enemy and my behaviour the issue. No matter what I did. How supportive I was. How much I did. Never enough. She always had some issue that would dominate our lives.

Logged
ramble on
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Common law for 22 years
Posts: 160


« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2012, 10:08:16 AM »

I would usually get the "your not listening to me", "you don't care what happens to me", and one of two things would happen, every fiber of her body would scream anger or she would regress to a child like emotional state and carry on like I had killed her puppy. Tears, anger, indignation, with a helping portion of nobody loves me attitude.

Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2012, 11:35:38 AM »

Reminded me... mine would storm and argue for hours sometimes, or act like I killed her puppy, but the one that irritated me most I think, was the condescending baby talked sarcasm... ever get that? She would be a super beast with it, usually about something like me wanting to spend time with my daughter or showing concern for my daughter. However when it was her son, different rules applied... he talked to her "with that voice" after spending a week with his dad during the summer, and she had a breakdown, was sobbing on the floor and moaning, and I was torn between how pathetic she was and wanting to laugh at how insane the situation was. People would comment all the time on how she was the toughest woman they know (her overbearing I am in charge persona at school... mostly used to boss around little kids and intimidate them)

Anyway, the sarcastic baby talk ridiculing is what I should have taped and replayed anytime I had the irrational desire to be back with her.
Logged
Mupetto
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 58



« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2012, 03:13:24 PM »

Charred,

I would try and keep emails, voice and text messages that you send me when she “being black”. What she used to do though was give that angelic look and test me trust by asking me for my email password. She would then go into me emails and delete all her foul messages. Whilst in there she would also audit who I had been talking to. Same with my phone. I ended up hiding them files she would not bother going to. I am now pleased I did, (felt sneaky doing so) because I can reread or replay them and get that affirmation I need to stay away.

As for children (1 of hers and 2 of mine) I gave up talking to mine (adolescence) because the aftermath of abuse towards them and the “you want to leave me for them” became too much. But for her son of 16 years (he lived with her ex) we spent every holiday with him. Either flew or drove the 3,000 klm. I f we were not on holidays we would fly him and a friend to our house and just spoil him rotten.

In the end I insisted that I speak to my kids. Each text was carefully scrutinised. Each phone call was eavesdropped on. The stuff of nightmares now that I tell the story.

Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2012, 03:23:36 PM »

I had all the emails/texts for quite some time, then when I decided it was over, I got rid of them to not be tempted to reread all the nice things she had said and reconsider... .of course most of the stuff was not nice, it was rants and attacks. I don't have a kid with my exBPDgf, and the main thing I should have kept is some of the nasty voicemails, and emails to have given me a reminder of how abusive and acidic she was toward me. I helped her out in all kinds of ways and it was repaid with vitriol and contempt. That is what I should have, a picture of her beet red with anger over something ludicrous... as that is what she seems to be at heart, the nice/caring persona went away early on and only would be back for brief moments... I think it was totally acting.

Coming to conclusion that like my NPD dad, the best way to deal with a BPD r/s is to get out of it and move on, life is to short to be in an abusive relationship.
Logged
ThrownAway

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #39 on: January 19, 2013, 12:16:54 PM »

Hey Gus,

The same thing would happen to me. Almost exactly the way you described it. Here is how a typical fight would happen. Maybe this sounds familiar even though the details might be different:

One night she wanted to go out for dinner. She got home late from work. It was 8pm. She was getting cranky with low blood sugar levels. I said, how about we just order in. She said OK. Then I told her I would pick up the food. And then she said we should go together. I was doing some work. So I asked her if she would pick it up. She said OK. So she went. When she came back, she was starting to rage. She said: "I don't understand why we didn't go out for dinner?" I stopped her in her tracks because I knew where this was going. I told her to stop. That she was the one who was late from work. That she agreed to get take out. That she offered to go get it. We sat down and ate. An hour later, she came storming down the stairs and yelled at, screaming: "YOU JUST THINK I'M A CRAZY     ING B*TCH!" And I just looked at her and said, no, I don't think that, I wasn't thinking that at all. And then she stormed back upstairs and cried for two hours. I went upstairs and she blamed me for my 'tone' and told me that 'we have communication issues'.

That was a pretty average night for me. But it was the beginning of the end. The only difference between this and other so-called 'fights' was that I was fed up. I saw the rage coming. And I tried to stop it in its tracks. I told her to stop and called her out on her inconsistency. And then when started to yell at me and accused me of thinking she was a crazy f'ing b*tch, I didn't argue. I just sat there. I would have normally just yelled back. But I didn't care anymore. I just said: "What are you talking about? Why would you say that?" Nothing else. I was tired of getting sucked into a fight that would make me look like the bad guy again.

This is exactly what my ex would do.  Her go to line was "You think I'm such a demanding btch!".  I'd say of course not baby, but honestly by the end I was thinking, ya you sure are!  She would also always accuse me of yelling at her when I was certainly not, moreso being exasperated.  And of course I also got the "we have communication issues".  Thanks for sharing this, makes me feel not quite as crazy.
Logged
ThrownAway

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #40 on: January 19, 2013, 12:23:24 PM »

Another thing, my ex loved confrontation but hated conflict if that makes sense.  She would bring stuff up with me, my friends, family, but then shut down or get upset by the argument.  Always had to be the victim and the instigator.
Logged
wowjer
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 104


« Reply #41 on: January 19, 2013, 02:38:30 PM »

I always thought this topic interesting, because mine acted in a COMPLETELY different way than most of your ex's.

I'd confront her calmly. She'd sit there and stare off like she was watching t.v. She had a look in her eyes like she was terrified, maybe a tear or two would fall. I'd stop talking, and she'd sit there and shrug, still staring off. I'd ask for her opinion, nothing. One more time or two, and shed yell "I DONT KNOW"

Sometimes, she would even SAY "IM MESSED UP, OKAY?,  I KNOW I AM"... I guess from my reading this is more traits of a BPD waif.

The last part really tears at me to this day. She knew something is wrong with her... she knew it.

This entire post sums my experiences up to a T.  Cant really add anything else. 
Logged
FoolishOne
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 315



« Reply #42 on: January 19, 2013, 03:49:09 PM »

My BPDw is a master craftsman at the art of argumentation.  I thought I was fairly skilled in verbal confrontation... .  but I NEVER won a fight with her.  She never yielded and I could gain no ground.

No matter what I said, she always had a better counter to it... .  no matter what point I was trying to make, she could spin it so I was still the bad guy... .  I was truly amazed at the deftness of her wordsmithing and the ability to win and win quite soundly any argument we had.

I told her that she should have been a litigating attorney.

F1
Logged
GustheDog
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 348



« Reply #43 on: January 19, 2013, 06:35:54 PM »

My BPDw is a master craftsman at the art of argumentation.  I thought I was fairly skilled in verbal confrontation... .  but I NEVER won a fight with her.  She never yielded and I could gain no ground.

No matter what I said, she always had a better counter to it... .  no matter what point I was trying to make, she could spin it so I was still the bad guy... .  I was truly amazed at the deftness of her wordsmithing and the ability to win and win quite soundly any argument we had.

I told her that she should have been a litigating attorney.

F1

I AM a litigation attorney and I could never win.  (Although, neither do they - really - because they're not fighting fair and changing the rules in the middle of the game.  Hard to see that at the time, though.)
Logged
HarmKrakow
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226


« Reply #44 on: January 19, 2013, 06:43:14 PM »

Interesting...

My gf with BPD handled the arguments as followed;

1)From time to time, she already said, you are not going to win this argument, I've let you win to often, so whatever you say, you won't convince me.

2)She would raise her voice or do an outburst of emotions if I try to convince her she isnt right.

3)She wants to see physical/factual evidence to check what I say is right, but she won't show me factual evidence if I ask her if its right or not.

4)She could listen and nod with head saying she agreed, and then telling to someone else she didn't agree.

5)If she was so convinced of something, that she was right, there was no point to even start the discussion, i would lose, whatever I try.

6)Play on my emotions, although I might be right, try to turn the story so that it hurts me in some magical way.
Logged
FoolishOne
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 315



« Reply #45 on: January 19, 2013, 06:43:33 PM »

That's funny Gus... .  really funny.  That proves it to me... .  one can never win an argument when pretzel logic is presented.  She just did not have the capacity to back down... .  the humilty gene was suppresed in her DNA.  It was almost as if her very life depended on winning the argument and crushing me in the process.  I felt so resentful of the way she would treat me during our arguments... .  those dagger piercings take their toll... .  

F1
Logged
Shaktipat
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Cohabitating 17 years
Posts: 57


« Reply #46 on: January 19, 2013, 07:52:23 PM »

All of this,  so familiar. Thank you for posting so I know I haven't lost my mind.
Logged
FollowingBliss
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 62



« Reply #47 on: February 11, 2013, 01:43:15 AM »

One thing that always struck me is that I would say that I didn't want to argue with her, and that I wanted to find a compromise.  That I wanted to find a solution instead of arguing. Pretty healthy, right?  It is a way of conveying a sense of partnership, meeting halfway, and a willingness to put the relationship about principle or outside desires.  Win win.

I was told no, she wouldn't compromise.

You can't get anywhere with a person like that.

"The lights are on, but no one is home." Truly a heartbreaking mental illness.
Logged
asunder

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #48 on: February 11, 2013, 08:59:43 AM »

One thing I would like to say that is that I very much disagree with the notion of reality being in the eyes of the person perceiving it.  There is objective truth that can often be proven through facts. 
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #49 on: February 11, 2013, 01:23:02 PM »

Answered already... .  but have new example;

This weekend I was in my exBPDgf's city (visiting my mom).

exBPDgf... had begged to chat with me on gmail, so I had chat on, exBPDgf was not on, and I went to help my mom load stuff in a truck. Came back and apparently pwBPD had been on, said hi, waited a minute then logged off with a minor insult to my manhood.

Then she emailed and texted me saying it was clear I was a liar about just talking to her only, on gmail, and that I could just keep on talking to whoever it was.

Then she emailed (2 accounts I have) and texted and said that I had been blocked on gmail chat.

I ignored her... next day I am driving home and I get a text...

Please come on gmail chat right now... so I said "I am driving"

Then I get on and she asks me for an apology... and I asked... why should I apologize... .  for you calling me a liar and saying you are blocking me... .  and she replies... for a minute I thought you were lucid, clearly I am mistaken, clearly we should be done.

Above is TYPICAL of interactions with her. She wants me instantly available, she is insecure and paranoid I am talking to someone else, she calls me a liar (usually much worse) ... tells me I can't contact her... .  then insists I contact her... and when I point out (with proof) that she was insulting... .  she claims its my mind that is the problem.

Anyone want to meet her and take her off my hands? I would pay for the date. :'(
Logged
asunder

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #50 on: February 11, 2013, 01:35:24 PM »

Answered already... .  but have new example;

This weekend I was in my exBPDgf's city (visiting my mom).

exBPDgf... had begged to chat with me on gmail, so I had chat on, exBPDgf was not on, and I went to help my mom load stuff in a truck. Came back and apparently pwBPD had been on, said hi, waited a minute then logged off with a minor insult to my manhood.

Then she emailed and texted me saying it was clear I was a liar about just talking to her only, on gmail, and that I could just keep on talking to whoever it was.

Then she emailed (2 accounts I have) and texted and said that I had been blocked on gmail chat.

I ignored her... next day I am driving home and I get a text...

Please come on gmail chat right now... so I said "I am driving"

Then I get on and she asks me for an apology... and I asked... why should I apologize... .  for you calling me a liar and saying you are blocking me... .  and she replies... for a minute I thought you were lucid, clearly I am mistaken, clearly we should be done.

Above is TYPICAL of interactions with her. She wants me instantly available, she is insecure and paranoid I am talking to someone else, she calls me a liar (usually much worse) ... tells me I can't contact her... .  then insists I contact her... and when I point out (with proof) that she was insulting... .  she claims its my mind that is the problem.

Anyone want to meet her and take her off my hands? I would pay for the date. :'(

"I hate you, don't leave me."
Logged
daintrovert13
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 59


« Reply #51 on: February 11, 2013, 01:47:38 PM »

How we handled arguments?

She was a puncher. Walls.Doors.Tree Trunks.Concrete Tiles Dash Boards.My Face. My eye.

Punched so much she actually broke her hand for it. If I told you guys why,you would probably never believe me. Got so angry she would froth at the mouth. She put my anger issues to shame.
Logged
TheDude
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 227


« Reply #52 on: February 11, 2013, 01:47:51 PM »

One of my more memorable incidents (among more than a few) - At the beginning of the last recycle, I awoke one morning to see her vehicle being towed out of the driveway. She was in the shower or something, so I caught the tow driver & asked what was going on.

Repossesion. Going on 4 months behind in payments.

I had no idea.

To the rescue!

We eventually had to go the the repo place, pay some fees, and get her car back. Now, these places can be pretty rude and aggressive, but we made it 99% of the way through the process without any real problem. There were like 4 guys there and 1 pretty rough woman (kinda rude, I guess you could say). As we were about to walk out the door, my (now) ex suddenly switched into a mode I'd never seen before in the 6 years I'd known her to that point. Pure rage. She unleashed a fury on this place, especially the woman, that was like a scene from Jerry Springer.

In response, the people there simply told her that if she paid her bills, she wouldn't have to go through the repo process.

Yikes.

At that point, I had to physically remove her from that place.

She was all happy and fine by the time we got home.
Logged
Phoenix.Rising
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1021



« Reply #53 on: February 11, 2013, 02:42:52 PM »

I believe their reality changes based on their feelings.  Feelings=Facts, so the rules are constantly changing for them.  Today it is one thing, tomorrow is something totally different.  Arguing was frustrating beyond belief with my ex, and she was a master at staying ahead in the game (at least in her mind).  Arguing seemed to be a pointless exercise with her.  Also, if her feelings escalated, she would dysregulate, and nothing made sense to me at that point.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!