Has anyone else experienced this

[Sadbutterfly]

I am new here and I'm hoping to find out if what I am feeling is normal. I recently learned from my therapist that my mother most likely has BPD and although it has made it easier for me to understand the reason of my mother's angry outbursts and cruelty, I'm still having a hard time not feeling guilty about staying away from her because after all I now know it is not her fault if she has a personality disorder. Do we all experience this? Is there any way to feel less guilty? Thanks in advance.

[forgottenarm]

 

Hi SadButterfly and welcome to bpdfamily.com!  (And happy holidays as well!)

I'm really glad you reached out for support here.  I think you'll find a lot of people here who can relate to your situation.  I know I can!  I grew up with a mom who had BPD and I struggle with the same issues you're raising.  It's a fine line, but I think it's possible to protect yourself and also maintain a relationship.  You might find these workshops helpful as you start to sort all this out:

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Do you have siblings?  How does the rest of your family react to your mom?

[Sadbutterfly]

Thank you so much for the links, they really help especially the one about perspectives. I have two brothers and lots of other relatives but unfortunately everyone seems to be under the spell of my mother or just too scared of crossing her. They are all desperately trying to please her and to a certain point I understand because I was the same way before I started therapy but it is still hard and it is very painful to know that she is always talking badly about me to everyone she knows. I suppose I just have to keep working hard with therapy and the information on this board. Thanks a lot for listening. Happy holidays!

[forgottenarm]

Oh gosh, I can totally relate to what you're saying.  It's very similar with my sister and my mom.  My sister has a lot of trouble standing up to my mom and I know my mom's bad-mouthing me to her whenever I make her upset.  It used to bother me a lot but now it's not so bad.  I have my boundaries where they need to be and I just let go of the rest.  It's taken time---about 8 years now since I shifted gears with my mom---but things are mostly pretty good now.

You know, whenever one person in a system (like a family) tries to change, it usually throws everything out of whack for a while.  But you're doing a good thing for yourself by seeking therapy and changing the dynamic.  Trust that even if it's uncomfortable in some ways right now, it will all work itself out eventually.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi sadbutterfly,

Welcome! You're by no means alone here. There are many of us who have mothers with BPD and have experienced the guilt that you described. It does get easier over time if you work on yourself and learn how to best cope with your mother's behavior.

I have two brothers and lots of other relatives but unfortunately everyone seems to be under the spell of my mother or just too scared of crossing her. They are all desperately trying to please her and to a certain point I understand because I was the same way before I started therapy but it is still hard and it is very painful to know that she is always talking badly about me to everyone she knows.

 That's tough. What sometimes can happen is that one child (usually the all-good one) cannot separate from the parent with BPD, for fear of rejection. That sounds like what's going on with one or both of your brothers. How is your relationship with your brothers?

I suppose I just have to keep working hard with therapy and the information on this board.

Both will help you immensely. Happy holidays to you too!

[princessbubblegum]

I have that guilt. Sometimes I can let it go, other days it lingers. But I come here and read, or I read my books, talk to the therapist... .  I know I Cannot let her back in my life the way she is so this is how it has to be. So I suppose for now I have false guilt... .  

[BiancaRose]

OMG, that guilt is the worst. Hate it!

I still have that on a very regular basis. I don't know if it's really something that goes away so much as you eventually learn to live with it. You come to a growing sense of intellectual knowledge that, yeah, people who have abused you may have psychological problems, but that doesn't mean you have to sit there and take the abuse! In that sense, you make it about taking responsibility for your own health and letting them handle theirs.

That was a really foreign concept for me because I was raised with the absolute belief that I have no right to take care of my own health, but actually I am the only one who can take responsibility for it. I can't leave it to my parents - couldn't do so even if they weren't BPD/enabling - because they can't know my needs and priorities. Only I can. I would remind myself that, if my mother wanted to deal with her pain, she could go get a therapist herself and try to understand why she's having such a difficult time . . . but she doesn't do that because she gets too much benefit out of using her illness to control other people. I would feel horrified if I treated other people as she does, but she doesn't mind. I know that's harsh, but it's what I had to tell myself in order to give myself permission to take care of myself. Even people with illnesses and disorders have the option of making choices. I remind myself of that every day because I strongly feel the need to know that I am choosing a different path.

I also found it helpful to remind myself of other people who I am helping by separating from my mother - particularly any future children I have. I'm determined to let those kids be free to be the first generation of healthy in my family, instead of the fourth generation of mentally ill.

But then of course there are always those days when you just feel down on yourself no matter what you know or think intellectually, and those are the days when you curl up with a good book or a kitty or the entire Harry Potter movie collection or whatever and just make a point of taking really good care of yourself.