She left me a voicemail on Christmas Eve...

[Darknightx13]

I posted back in mid-November when my UexBPDfiance broke no contact by trying to call me many, many times and finally contacting me via email.  Her reason for doing this ended up being rather trivial, however this led to a couple of emails exchanged between us and then I didn't hear a peep from her, which is what I knew was best for me.  After about three weeks with NC I began to receive blocked and private calls on my cell and home phone lines, and because they were coming to both phones, I drew from past experience and concluded it was her trying to "trap" me into picked up one of her calls.  For the last couple of weeks, about four different days, she made anywhere between 2 and 4 calls each time.  I never picked up, she never left a message and I didn't get any emails.  Lo and behold, this past Monday, at around 6 PM she called from a blocked number and left me a message.  Here's the entire message:

Hi Darknighx13, it's {ex's name}.  I know you don't want to pick up your phone.  So just... .I hope you had a better Hanukkah than the Christmas I'm having, and regardless of what you think of me I do miss you and I love you and... .been trying really hard to forget about you but it's not working too well.  Um... .I hope you have a happy new year.  Better than the one that you just had.  Bye.



I've listened to it 4 or 5 times since Monday.  My honest self-assessment is that I've been doing okay since she left (the first week or so was exceptionally hard), but I know that I'm still very attached to her and the idea of the future we were supposed to have together.  It's hard not to respond because of the attachment I still have, and yet I know that's the reason I can't respond.  Then there's the side of me that's so frustrated and wants to respond, almost out of exasperation, just to tell her how badly she messed this up and if she could only see... .but really what's the point.  She can't see that it's her who has sabotaged herself.  Then of course is the idea that she's only going to be trying to contact me when she's having one of her own "bad" moments and she very well could have had a nice Christmas day and hasn't thought about me in 2 days.  No matter what, I know her reason for calling is for HER, not for me or her concern for me.

But why can't knowing that be enough for me?  Why can't I just move on?  She's been gone for almost 8 weeks.

I've begun talking with a co-worker and if I were not coming out of this mess and not feeling so emotionally unstable, I think that I'd really like to try dating her.  Life seems so amazingly complicated right now.

[Rose Tiger]

Eight weeks isn't very long, I can understand feeling the pull after hearing her voice.  Is this how she would 'pull' you during your relationship?  Once you begin to see the patterns and coping skills, it's hard to reconnect, especially knowing the same issues are going to come up.  It becomes harder for us to take up the slack and give give give with no get.    Can you find ways to stay busy and get your mind off of this for awhile, give yourself some time to decide to respond or not?

[Darknightx13]

Can you find ways to stay busy and get your mind off of this for awhile, give yourself some time to decide to respond or not?

I'm not very seriously considering responding to her.  I talk to my T later today, so that will help me work through this.  During our relationship, I was always inclined to forgive her, no matter how low she made me feel at times.  I don't believe she ever cheated on me, but there was a lot of emotional abuse.  I was deep in the FOG.  I'm trying to stay clear of it now, because I know how easily I could get sucked back in.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Darknighttx13 

Are you hanging in there with NC?  Did the visit with your T help?  Wondering how you are doing. 

[Darknightx13]

Hi Darknighttx13 

Are you hanging in there with NC?  Did the visit with your T help?  Wondering how you are doing. 

I appreciate your concern.  I've stuck to NC, even though she's been trying to call me basically once a day for the last week.  Yesterday, she actually attempted to call me unblocked.  I get knots in my stomach every time and I wonder if she would dare try to come to my apartment.

At the same time, I went out with this girl I've been speaking to yesterday.  I like her, and the distraction from my issues is certainly a welcome byproduct, however I'm in a frequent state of over-analytical thinking and I really do not know where I am emotionally.  I had a good time, but I'm afraid of trusting my emotions and also worried of toying with the new girls emotions.  The girls knows that I'm coming out of a relationship, but doesn't really know what I've been through, and those are not necessarily the things you announce when you're trying to connect with someone new.  I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, but I don't know how much of that is because of the long relationship I've had with a pwBPD or if it's just the same shyness and lack of confidence that's been a part of who I am for my entire life.

[Rose Tiger]

Good on you for keeping NC.

It's nice to have a friend.  Can y'all be friends with the new woman for now and take things slow? 

[Darknightx13]

It's nice to have a friend.  Can y'all be friends with the new woman for now and take things slow? 

I'm trying to take things slow and be cautious (for lack of a better word) and the girl is being understanding of the fact that I've been through a recent breakup.  Still, I know she really likes me and I know I like her, I just don't know what's right and what's wrong for me at this time.  New relationships (I hesitate to use that word) can always be very distracting and exciting and that can be a good thing.  But I don't feel great about the idea that I could be making this girl my band aid.  We had a pretty frank talk about this, and again she says all the right, understanding, things, but I still tend to worry.  I mean this in the least boastful way possible, but I feel like I could end up sleeping with this girl in short order if that's the road I choose to take and I honestly can't determine how I really feel about that.  I'm very unsure of myself.  I wish I was further out of the FOG.

[Rose Tiger]

It takes awhile for the FOG to start clearing.  Over on the dating forum they talk about red flags, you know, signs to watch out for with new dating partners.  Maybe check it out?