Do they want you to believe noone likes you?

[Washisheart]

Just an odd question but does/did your BPDso tell you alot of different people don't like you? He stayed telling me his family didn't like me, I was too smart for him, or used big words & english is not their primary language. But yet I barely spoke around his people because of the language barrier & those I did converse with were educated/ succussful people (here, so their understanding of the english language was fine). Then noone likes you for this and noone likes you for that. I am starting to think it was a defense mechanism (deflection) at it's finest because realistically alot of people had problems with him.

I did tell him though that if they don't like me cause I am too good for him, they are actually insulting him not me.

[Jay08]

Not my ex. She made me out to be the best person in the world, all her friends loved me and she 'loved' that, or thought she did, but then she became increasingly jealous and thought all her girlfriends were trying to hook up with me and all her guy friends liked me better than her.

[afterdeath]

Just an odd question but does/did your BPDso tell you alot of different people don't like you? He stayed telling me his family didn't like me, I was too smart for him, or used big words & english is not their primary language. But yet I barely spoke around his people because of the language barrier & those I did converse with were educated/ succussful people (here, so their understanding of the english language was fine). Then noone likes you for this and noone likes you for that. I am starting to think it was a defense mechanism (deflection) at it's finest because realistically alot of people had problems with him.

I did tell him though that if they don't like me cause I am too good for him, they are actually insulting him not me.

Only people that didnt like me were her office mates that i hadn't had a chance to interact with much, guess the smear campaign was on at her work! Amazingly enough it think she wanted to be like them, miserable and alone, as she worked with a bunch of women who were divorced or abused and complained about their men all the time, the guys she worked with were basically frat boys so she wanted to go drink with them while i watched the 2 year old. She had one office mate she considered to be a close friend, it was odd, she came home more everyday TRYING to be this lady, this 42 divorcee who had a bad rep at bars for starting fights in my old town. She was 42, divorced acting like she's 25 and had a much younger boyfriend. I couldnt get over how much my exBPD would come home and start acting like her, even changing her voice and things she said to sound more like her, she kind of became obsessed with her.

But yes, her officemates were the only ones who supposedly said negative things about me or people she knew that i didnt. The one officemate who i thought she may have been messing around with (he wasnt the one tho) actually liked me alot and wanted to hang out and be my friend. I thought he was a tool bag though so i kept my distance. Maybe that was my mistake, keep your enemies closer!

[Rose Tiger]

I did tell him though that if they don't like me cause I am too good for him, they are actually insulting him not me.

Good point!

A person with BPD uses projection as a coping mechanism.  They will take bad feelings about themselves and turn them outward toward a partner.  A lot of people have problems with him?  It sounds like he is taking that and projecting it onto to you.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

It falls in line with splitting, devaluing, that are also coping mechanisms.  If I said something to the ex that felt critical, he would turn it around and say it louder, that is was all me.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Are you implying projection is entirely subconscious?

[Rose Tiger]

Hmmmm, I suppose in a way, it is.  It's a coping skill developed at a very early age.  The magical thinking age where you can make it come true by saying it.  The toddler claiming that baby brother spilled the glass of milk even though baby brother is asleep in his crib.

[Washisheart]

To his family, he would sing my praises. But would come home & tell me they don't like me. Now I know his family does actually like me because the first time we broke up they all told him what an idiot he was for losing me. friends & family both. One of his friends told him "when you were with hit__, you were the s***. NOW, you look like s***".

I think he was trying to keep me from getting too close to his people.

[ef12]

Mine came from another country, and his parents don't speak English. I could understand their language easily though, because I already knew a related one. I did my best to learn their language really quickly, and I could have proper conversations with people even if I made grammar mistakes. His parents really appreciated it, and his mum would help me with new words or phrases.

When he was still all lovey-dovey, it was amazing that I'd made the effort, learnt so quickly, spoke clearly, guessed new words easily, followed the conversation well, chatted with people who didn't speak English etc etc.

When he turned on me at the end, it suddenly became embarrassing that I didn't speak perfectly, my accent was too foreign and sounded trashy, I spoke too slowly and clearly, I didn't know a lot of slang or always get jokes, etc etc, and that he wished I wouldn't try to speak to people when we visited his family.

[real lady]

Just an odd question but does/did your BPDso tell you alot of different people don't like you?

He did years ago and seemed to want me to believe that I was NOT like by others (because he felt or KNEW that HE was not liked, projection?) He is "up to" trying to convince me that "going to the gym" would be a lot of "firm young bodies" that wouldn't be "interested" in me... .  I think he is just insecure about other men looking at me, he has always been.

Then noone likes you for this and noone likes you for that. I am starting to think it was a defense mechanism (deflection) at it's finest because realistically alot of people had problems with him.

I think so; projection for sure.

I did tell him though that if they don't like me cause I am too good for him, they are actually insulting him not me.

It's funny... .  ha ha... .  that WE can see that but they can't.   good for you.

All this behavior is SO BPD and SO unhealthy; sometimes it is not until we ARE OUT OF IT that we SEE IT FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS... .  abuse.

[BleedsOrange]

Lets see... Her family didn't like me. Her friends didnt like me. Her therapist didnt like me. That was the big one. Actually they were always big ones.

Actually, it was never, "They dont like you."

It was always "Blank thinks whatever negative thing about you."

My favorites:

"The waitress doesnt like that you are outgoing in conversation. It is obviously a way for you to cover up your insecurities."

Of course you can substitute waitress and the thing she said she thought with any character and any trait, but the waitress was my favorite.

She would tell me that my friends must think this or that about me and that the only reason they loved me was because they didnt know the REAL me.

I mean this stuff is all just one part of the whole devaluing picture. I didnt understand the true nature of the world. My job was stupid in some way or another. What I wore was pretentious and stupid for being in Boulder (like I care what those yuppie/hippies think. That my visits with my therapist were worthless cause she was biased. That my family was messed up. That I had gotten fat and had man tits (I did gain a bit of weight only to lose it quickly but you just dont say that to someone- I know I never would). The list goes on and on.

I dont know that she was trying to isolate me and I dont really care. I dont know if she was trying to make me feel bad and I dont really care. I DO know that isnt what a friend should do, and  certainly isnt what a girlfriend should do. It's a blessing that I am not told these things by anyone any more.

Again the question remains. Why did we put up with it? I know the worst things I had been called in my previous rocky relationship were just "ass" and the like, and were never about the things that cut me to the quick. Well, the good news is, that if that EVER happens again, Im out.

[Rose Tiger]

"The waitress doesnt like that you are outgoing in conversation. It is obviously a way for you to cover up your insecurities."

What I wore was pretentious and stupid for being in Boulder (like I care what those yuppie/hippies think.

LOLOLOLOL!  Classic!  I wish you could still say to her, the other drivers on the road don't like how you use your blinker.  Yeah, I could just tell. The bagger at the store was irritated that you didn't bring your own bags.  Do you have to breath like that, in and out?  You should breath out and in.   

Come to think of it... .  my ex told me my older step daughter didn't like me and wanted to move out.  She was early 20's in college and living with us.  After ex and his daughters moved out, he emailed me that she left his place and was living on her own.  Guess she didn't want to live with him, either.

[VeryConfusedNon]

uh, what would this be? or would this be a general comment?

super happy waitress, singing, planning to go to disneyworld right after her shift ended (hopping on a plane with the bf)... .  ... she was mesmerizing, her ... .  personality... .  

my ex comments, how my eyes went love love, and there are hearts appearing over my head or sparkles in my eyes or something... I had to lie... I didn't want her to feel jealous or... .  anything... .  i told a white lie... .  or maybe the truth.

That she was so hyper and fun. ... haha.

[BleedsOrange]

Tiger,

A young 20's college student wanting her own place? SHOCKING! Im sure it was because she didnt like you and not because SHES A 20 SOMETHING COLLEGE STUDENT! jeeeez... .  

As far as the waitress thing is concerned, I waited tables for about six years. I enjoyed when people were outgoing and nice AS LONG AS THEY TIPPED. I did both. She, on the other hand, stripped for six years, so I can understand thinking everyone has contempt for outgoing customers.

I was just thinking a little more about this as I read y'alls responses. The weird thing that translates into so many aspects of this relationship is that at the beginning (immediately past the totally sickening sugar sweet phase) I would let these intermittent comments roll off my back. I still had enough self-confidence to not let someone else dictate who I was. Hell, I would even defend myself. Yet, I wasnt strong enough to leave. I guess I thought I could ignore them forever or something, or that the honeymoon would come back. By the time it got to the end and the criticisms were fairly constant with intermittent love, I would accept anything she said. My self-worth was dependent on her praise.

Now Im not blaming her for how I felt or how I reacted. Its just an observation. And someone who is as weak as that is a turn-off to anyone. It just goes to show, again, how toxic this relationship was on bth sides and how good it is that its gone. Now usually I would say "for both of us." But what is or isnt good for her is none of my concern and my friends keep reminding me, "It is not a good thing for her that you are out of her life. She was lucky to have you in it for even a minute." But like i said, this is none of my concern. The point is, that it is good for me. And y'all too.

[armsreach]

I was told that EVERYONE who has EVER met me thinks I'm a b****. I laughed.

[BentNotBroken]

Yes. It is part of the disorder. If no one likes you, there is a good chance you will not speak to them and share information about the BPD. Mine always tried to make herself the "information hub" so that she had more control over people.

[BleedsOrange]

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. If she found out that I told a friend about a fight or anything... .  I mean anything. She would say, "That is what a therapist is for."

My response was, "That's one of the things my friends have always been for."

Now there of course is a thing as sharing too much about your relationship with others, but I dont know a guy alive, that at the pub, doesnt have something about a girl to btch about... .  or vis a versa

Not to mention, a lot of the fits that she would throw was when I was around my friends. One of my closest buddies has told me, "Not 50, not 80, not 99 percent, but 100 percent of the times I came over to hang out with you, she threatened to break up with you." How am I supposed to contain that? HA!

Went off topic. Again not blaming her for this relatiobortion, but a funny anecdote nonetheless.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, they didn't want us 'talking' to other folks about what was going on.  Why?  If they were of the mind we were fo schizzle, then wouldn't they hope our friends would straighten us out?  Do they have the smallest glimmer of a clue that some of it might actually be THEM?

It's funny.  My older stepdaughter.  She kicks butt, I mean she works two jobs, she about kills herself to get good grades but she is alot like ex.  He does not like her.  I've always admired her drive and determination.   Yet he always assumed that I felt the same as him about older step.  No matter how many times I said, I like her, she is a hard worker, she is determined, I like her.  He never 'got' it and always thought I didn't like her, because he didn't.    Now younger step, lazy, I was constantly cleaning up after her.  Did.not.like.  But she was compliant.  He likes this one.  I suggested that she get a job and he about bit my head off.  Poor dear.    I guess that is another component, if someone is unlikable to them, then they must be unlikable to YOU.  Enmeshment at it's finest.   Ugh ugh ugh.