Pesky codependency

[lizzie458]

I've had a particularly rough day that involved a trigger and some serious dysregulation in my uBPDh. Despite dealing with it in a really healthy way by using validation (and also having some space due to separation), I still find myself very upset this evening. I did try to reach out to several friends, but since they are all busy I hope you guys don't mind me processing here (so as not to totally isolate).

I'm realizing just how enmeshed I am w my BPDh even though I like to believe I'm much further down the road to recovery. I've been sucked into the drama and "catastrophizing" w/o realizing it. I can't help but wonder if this is what some recovering BPDs might feel like: I know I'm being a bit silly and dramatic but that doesn't make me feel any better.

Interestingly enough, a post of mine was moved earlier and I now feel my own perfectionism and people-pleasing stuff coming up... .I almost didn't write this note because I'm not sure if its appropriate for this board (seems like it should be on the introspective board but I'm too new to qualify for it). But you know what, I'm gonna do it anyway. Might be inappropriate for this board (or not), but it's recovery for me. I'm still pretty sad and feel like i have nowhere else to post this. And someone will probably move it if it doesn't belong here.

Already feeling a little bit less of a sense of doom and gloom.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cyclechick]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I completely know how you feel.  If I concentrate, I can put myself in your shoes and go back to that feeling that I had so often in my relationship.  For me the feeling was so strong that it became physical.  As a disclaimer: this is my gut reaction. 

I could never have gotten free of that roller coaster in the presence of someone with BPD.  Codependency or not, that type of distorted thinking rubs off on everyone.  Not to mention that when they decide to tear you down, I doubt anyone can be around that and come out unscathed.  Even if they don't say anything, the negativity is contagious.

I really don't think that you can blame yourself for being affected or will yourself not to.  Now that I have some distance from mine, I can't believe what I thought, did, and what I tolerated.  You really do get lost in a haze of crazy.

I feel for you.  There will be a time when you don't feel like this although for me it was hard to believe that when I was going through it.

Good luck!

[lizzie458]

Thanks for the encouragement, cyclechick!  I'm looking forward to that time

[yeeter]

I think its common for us to pick up some of the attributes of our partners.  Here, they are called fleas:     

By the time they get here, many people are completely depleted/destroyed.  Things affect them more than they know it should.  Its our own emotions so frazzled there isnt the capacity to process normal stuff.

Take care of yourself.  Do something that gives you energy and strength.  Reaching out to friends is a great idea - schedule getting together if possible.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi lizzie, hope you got through New Year's alright.

Of course these type of episodes are really stressful and even traumatic to us nons.

If a stranger in the street were to approach us like that it would count as an assault.

Hopefully the police would arrest the attacker and we will get offered victim support.

What's even worse is that it's not a stranger treating us like that but the person we love the most in this world! And we are left to deal with this alone (until we find this board)

So, yes, it's completely normal to feel stressed and affected. It's even in our characters to get affectted and increase our caring.

What worked for me, funny enough, was to read some books about anger/ stress management. It helped me realize when I started feeling stressed during a encounter so I could keep myself calm. Also it helped recognise when I was getting upset/ angry so I could prevent that and prevent getting defensive.

What also helped is regarding their outburst as a child's tantrum. You wouldn't let yourself get affected by that either.