How do you handle the emotions?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  Me again, Tired after working all day and a long commute home through the snow. I have been stuck working 80 hour weeks and it's taking a toll on me mentally and physically especially from the split.

Anyway, i pose this question tonite as I'm exhausted. How do you fellow board members handle/deal/control your emotions after all of this? I find myself most days becoming consumed with anger,depression,rage,exhaustion, and just overall bad moods. I think about her and ceratin thoughts replay in my head, and then i can't help but think of her sleeping with the new guy and i just blow up. For the first month i'd literally shake every day waking up. I have clearly lost 10-15 pounds again and i cant really afford to lose that kind of weight on my build as i'm not very big to begin with. I've felt sick and rundown pretty much ever since the breakup.

She has been happier than ever it seems and living and loving life with her new man she has secretly hidden from the world.

I don't know how much longer i can keep my composure, i've done pretty horrible at it actually. I thought i was better off this time after getting dumped than the first time she did it, but i guess i was assuming it'd all work out and she'd come back. The last thing she said to me was "stop harrassing me and invading my privacy or i'll call the cops". That was after i busted her for the second time through facebook with her new lover (she since deleted her facebook). The first time she dumped me though she just blocked me from her phone and everything else, why not just do that again?

I digress, does anyone else feel uncontrollable rage at times? Or are their thoughts completely dominated to the point of losing focus in daily life? I fear if i don't get it together soon i may end up losing my job too as my performance and motivation are just not showing up even though my lifeless body is there.

How to cope with the insane feelings? It's like clockwork or like bill murray in groundhogs day, i go to bed finally feeling ok, i wake up and there are the feelings of rage right away again, and the cycle starts all over! I've read the stages of breaking up and i feel i keep flipping back and forth in the stages without ever hitting acceptance, if i do hit acceptance i'm immediately triggered again by something. I.E. i think 2012 must have had a record for most engagements during this christmas. Cool, every1 i know is getting engaged while i just got disengaged... .missed out on selling the ring i guess.

*sigh*... .I try to exercise as i used to love it and ran and worked out religiously(had a nice body to show for it too)... .but with my promotion and working 80 hour weeks i just feel exhausted ALL the time. I wake up at 5 AM... work from 7-7... get home at 8... just enough time to eat and goto bed and do it all over again. It won't stay like this, I work a two man store and the other is on vacation and we have been using vacation before the year ends, usually i work 44 hours a week... .somehow it usually ends up being more. My job was a job i got just so i could be with her and we could move in together, now i'm stuck. I'm thankful for the money and to have a job in this economy but i hate it.

So, does anyone else feel like they are losing their mind and going from the incredible hulk to the major sulk and just basically i feel like Jekyll-hide... .did she project that in to me? Before i was with her i used to be the most relaxed chill guy, running really kept me mellow.

Anyway... .help?

[afterdeath]

  Me again, Tired after working all day and a long commute home through the snow. I have been stuck working 80 hour weeks and it's taking a toll on me mentally and physically especially from the split.

Anyway, i pose this question tonite as I'm exhausted. How do you fellow board members handle/deal/control your emotions after all of this? I find myself most days becoming consumed with anger,depression,rage,exhaustion, and just overall bad moods. I think about her and ceratin thoughts replay in my head, and then i can't help but think of her sleeping with the new guy and i just blow up. For the first month i'd literally shake every day waking up. I have clearly lost 10-15 pounds again and i cant really afford to lose that kind of weight on my build as i'm not very big to begin with. I've felt sick and rundown pretty much ever since the breakup.

She has been happier than ever it seems and living and loving life with her new man she has secretly hidden from the world.

I don't know how much longer i can keep my composure, i've done pretty horrible at it actually. I thought i was better off this time after getting dumped than the first time she did it, but i guess i was assuming it'd all work out and she'd come back. The last thing she said to me was "stop harrassing me and invading my privacy or i'll call the cops". That was after i busted her for the second time through facebook with her new lover (she since deleted her facebook). The first time she dumped me though she just blocked me from her phone and everything else, why not just do that again?

I digress, does anyone else feel uncontrollable rage at times? Or are their thoughts completely dominated to the point of losing focus in daily life? I fear if i don't get it together soon i may end up losing my job too as my performance and motivation are just not showing up even though my lifeless body is there.

How to cope with the insane feelings? It's like clockwork or like bill murray in groundhogs day, i go to bed finally feeling ok, i wake up and there are the feelings of rage right away again, and the cycle starts all over! I've read the stages of breaking up and i feel i keep flipping back and forth in the stages without ever hitting acceptance, if i do hit acceptance i'm immediately triggered again by something. I.E. i think 2012 must have had a record for most engagements during this christmas. Cool, every1 i know is getting engaged while i just got disengaged... .missed out on selling the ring i guess.

*sigh*... .I try to exercise as i used to love it and ran and worked out religiously(had a nice body to show for it too)... .but with my promotion and working 80 hour weeks i just feel exhausted ALL the time. I wake up at 5 AM... work from 7-7... get home at 8... just enough time to eat and goto bed and do it all over again. It won't stay like this, I work a two man store and the other is on vacation and we have been using vacation before the year ends, usually i work 44 hours a week... .somehow it usually ends up being more. My job was a job i got just so i could be with her and we could move in together, now i'm stuck. I'm thankful for the money and to have a job in this economy but i hate it.

So, does anyone else feel like they are losing their mind and going from the incredible hulk to the major sulk and just basically i feel like Jekyll-hide... .did she project that in to me? Before i was with her i used to be the most relaxed chill guy, running really kept me mellow.

Anyway... .help?

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hey afterdeath!

My situation is completely opposite than yours. I am a Full time student - on a 3 weeks winter break - broke up with my BPDex right before winter break started. I have been doing absolutely NOTHING in the past 2 weeks, I'm feeling only depress, depress, and MORE DEPRESS! Ahh, I'm going nuts.

I wished I could be so occupied with life's obligations like you do... .I remember I was working close to 40 hours a week and going to school full time when I was going through the breakup with someone else (before I met BPDex) ... .It felt good to be busy because I had to take my mind off and WORKED MY A*S OFF(serving job), put on a FAKE SMILE in front of customers... .they say "you need to fake it until you make it" ... .That time, what I was looking forward each day is when the restaurant finally closed, and go out to grab a drink with some coworkers. Now nothing appeals to me. I went out, tried to have fun, but there were all couples, couples, and sweet happy couples everywhere! UUgh. Why did they all seem so HAPPY? UGGH.

And, I can't stop thinking what if one day he tells me he has a new gf, or he's already been sleeping around with girls. It drives me nuts whenever I think about it. (But I also think to myself, "hey, you can do that too! You can find a new date, you just don't want to! Not that you can't!" No sleeping around as a young woman... .for sure! So, No to that! I respect myself.) Lately a good friend of mine said this and it helped me a lot "Stop thinking. If you keep thinking the bad things, good things won't happen."

So I'm going to tell you how I handle the emotions... .

... .STOP THINKING. Whenever I sink into the negative thoughts, I just keep telling my mind to STOP.

Whenever my mind starts to speed up like insane, I watch TV shows. Start watching a new comedy TV series ( the more seasons it has, the better will be - you just want to keep watching and wonder what is going to happen next) - NO LOVE COMEDY. I dislike seeing happy couples/family after the breakup... .remind me too much of how LONELY and SAD I am now.

If watching a TV show doesn't distract your thinking enough. Here's a ultimate way to stop thinking - SLEEP. Can't sleep? Try Dreamwater( it's a little drink that has melatonin, you can find in Walmart & Target), or ZZZquil (saw that on commercial, works pretty well for me.) I still see him in my dreams sometimes, so I tend to just go to sleep and hope to see him in my dream, hahaha, so pathetic!  

Hope this helps.  

[cyclechick]

For me, I started boxing.  I had all of this rage and I kept having these violent fantasies of revenge at night when I'd wake up.  I needed an outlet for my anger as I couldn't supress it.  The boxing has been great!  I just turn on some industrial and wail away at the bag.  Any competitive sport would probably do.  Anger is activating, and having a constructive outlet has been essential for me.

I'm getting fitter and I'm expressing myself instead of submerging my feelings like I used to do.  I have a feeling that's why many of us took a ride on the BPD express in the first place. Time to let some of those feelings out!

[Confusedandhurt]

Afterdeath,

I can relate very well.  My uBPDgf broke up with me via a text message at the end of July (telling me that she needed to move on... .).  Since then, she has alternated by telling me that she wanted no contact whatsoever, followed by texting me, emailing me, and calling me.  It's been a real roller coaster!  Mornings for me are really tough.  I feel extremely alone and empty.  By the evening, I'm so emotionally exhausted from thinking about her all day that I seem to feel better.  I'm seeing a T, and it's helping, but it's still horrible.  She has been dating someone else for the past four months, but she has been chasing him the whole time, as he just doesn't seem to care that much (except of course when she wants him physically).  It kills me to see her suffer with a guy like that, but at the same time, she keeps jerking me around by telling me one minute that she wants NC, and then contacts me soon afterwards!  I used to be a confident person, who knew who I was and what my values were.  Since she left, I have lost myself as well as her.  I don't know how you're managing to work so many hours.  It's hard for me to work 40+ hours a week productively when I'm hurting this much.  BPD's really take so much of us due to our willingness to go to extremes to please them.  At least that was the case with me.

I wish you the best as you move forward.  These boards are really great for help, as so many people have gone through the same circumstances and are willing to offer so much valuable wisdom.  Take care.

[smartwoman220]

Hey... .   I  have been learning about affirmations and gratitude this week.  The  affirmations and positive thinking have helped me  a lot  when I  feel anxiety building up.  When you  find yourself thinking about her too much, try  to replace the thoughts of her with something else that  makes you  feel better. 

It has helped me  tremendously.

WE can choose our disposition. WE can make our selves happy. 

As hard as it is, it can be done. I'm struggling too right now  ( well tonight).  But you deserve to be happy,  Make it happen homie

[Mupetto]

Afterdeath,

I am, at this stage, having a different experience to you. My uBPDw and I have been apart for three weeks. The uncontrollable rage you speak of, the loss of emotional control are what I had when I was with her. Now that the tempest is out of my life I can have my own thoughts and where possible my own feelings. That’s not to say I don’t hurt. I most certainly do. My dreams are shattered, my life is in tatters but I now some control of life. I can have a private thought without being subjected to analysis.

As for her being with another guy, I can’t wait until she does. I have two thoughts on this. 1. Her preoccupation with me should abate and 2. I feel for the poor guy. Because I went through hell to please the unpleasable. To prove myself as worthy partner. I actually feel sorry for her. She has lost a loyal and loving partner who was committed to her and our life. She broke me. Exhausted me. I just could not do the BPD dance anymore.

Be the best shop guy you can be. Listen to your favourite music as you commute. Sing out aloud – make sure they are not love songs LOL. 

[jp254958]

I don't have rage, but every single day... .throughout the entire day... .I say to myself, “I just don't get it."

I have no idea why she left me given the fact that I loved her SO MUCH and I wanted a life with her so much despite all of the insanity. The big issue between us was that I wanted the hope of moving forward with a future together but she refused. And man it kills me because I just love that girl. I really, really do.

I've spent months reading about BPD and various sorts of therapies in case she ever comes back.  It's been beneficial to me too, but she is my focus. It's so hard to accept that I am one of the few guys out there who would be willing to adapt to work around the disorder, but that doesn't matter.  I am painted black.  I'm out of sight and out of mind. I am yesterday's garbage.

Making sense of why I have been dealt this hand in life is so confusing to me.  I wanted a healthy relationship with her.  With HER.  And for some reason, she came into my life and turned my world upside down despite all my love, and I'm forced to deal with this. I just don't get it. What's to learn when you want a partner in life and take so many steps to convey that and then they try to destroy you?  Is the lesson that we hung around too long because of codependent issues from childhood?  Guess what, I didn't have to learn that lesson in a healthy relationship. My codependency was absent for most of our relationship (thanks to years of therapy) but was triggered when things got bad. This is a lesson in life that doesn't feel like a gift, that feels like I have fallen backward instead of forward, and that I can never be grateful to receive.

I've lost love, happiness, self-esteem, sanity, and volunteer work that was important to me.  And I can't do anything to change that, other than to do the work to make sure it doesn't happen again. But that's not encouraging right now because I'm still struggling with the reality that this outcome is something I never wanted in a million years.

I'm not sure what's happened to this generation. Something's wrong and we're in trouble. The BPD impulse to run away vs. work together through tough times has me at a loss. There's strength in resolving problems and compromise, but I guess that's why they're not strong people.

[bpdspell]

I have been stuck working 80 hour weeks and it's taking a toll on me mentally and physically especially from the split.

Anyway, i pose this question tonite as I'm exhausted. How do you fellow board members handle/deal/control your emotions after all of this? I find myself most days becoming consumed with anger,depression,rage,exhaustion, and just overall bad moods. I think about her and ceratin thoughts replay in my head, and then i can't help but think of her sleeping with the new guy and i just blow up. For the first month i'd literally shake every day waking up. I have clearly lost 10-15 pounds again and i cant really afford to lose that kind of weight on my build as i'm not very big to begin with. I've felt sick and rundown pretty much ever since the breakup.

She has been happier than ever it seems and living and loving life with her new man she has secretly hidden from the world.

I don't know how much longer i can keep my composure, i've done pretty horrible at it actually. I thought i was better off this time after getting dumped than the first time she did it, but i guess i was assuming it'd all work out and she'd come back. The last thing she said to me was "stop harrassing me and invading my privacy or i'll call the cops". That was after i busted her for the second time through facebook with her new lover (she since deleted her facebook). The first time she dumped me though she just blocked me from her phone and everything else, why not just do that again?

I digress, does anyone else feel uncontrollable rage at times? Or are their thoughts completely dominated to the point of losing focus in daily life? I fear if i don't get it together soon i may end up losing my job too as my performance and motivation are just not showing up even though my lifeless body is there.

How to cope with the insane feelings? It's like clockwork or like bill murray in groundhogs day, i go to bed finally feeling ok, i wake up and there are the feelings of rage right away again, and the cycle starts all over! I've read the stages of breaking up and i feel i keep flipping back and forth in the stages without ever hitting acceptance, if i do hit acceptance i'm immediately triggered again by something. I.E. i think 2012 must have had a record for most engagements during this christmas. Cool, every1 i know is getting engaged while i just got disengaged... .missed out on selling the ring i guess.

*sigh*... .I try to exercise as i used to love it and ran and worked out religiously(had a nice body to show for it too)... .but with my promotion and working 80 hour weeks i just feel exhausted ALL the time. I wake up at 5 AM... work from 7-7... get home at 8... just enough time to eat and goto bed and do it all over again. It won't stay like this, I work a two man store and the other is on vacation and we have been using vacation before the year ends, usually i work 44 hours a week... .somehow it usually ends up being more. My job was a job i got just so i could be with her and we could move in together, now i'm stuck. I'm thankful for the money and to have a job in this economy but i hate it.

So, does anyone else feel like they are losing their mind and going from the incredible hulk to the major sulk and just basically i feel like Jekyll-hide... .did she project that in to me? Before i was with her i used to be the most relaxed chill guy, running really kept me mellow.

Anyway... .help?

Afterdeath,

Please know that there are many people on this board who can relate to the emotional roller coaster of your feelings. Rage is understandable when we have been unfairly treated, dumped, discarded, tossed and denied the very thing we worked so hard to not lose from our ex's. Acknowledging your rage is a great step in managing it but there are also several healthy thing you can do to be proactive in your anger. Often what lives behind the mask of anger is sadness and deep hurt. And I can feel you hurt behind this screen; its palpable. I can validate your feelings but letting you know that I've been exactly where you've been: feeling broken, unlucky, unfairly treated and totally victimized. I can also tell you that you will get through this.

As for dealing with your rage are you in T?

It's highly recommended on here that you seek professional help for the outcome from this breakup. Right now you are sitting on a well spring of confusing and mixed emotions and talk therapy helps greatly in dealing with your rage and depression. You may even have symptoms of PSTD. But there is no shame in seeking professional help; particularly when we are in crisis mode.

What you don't want to do is sit on your emotions and pretend you can contain them. Feelings buried alive always come back with a vengeance because our feeling want respect and validation.  To repress is damaging to your soul and spirit. What you need is a proactive plan: working out, boxing, running, or anything that works up a sweat helps. Writing helps. Primal Screaming helps. Somewhere in this process you will need to grieve the hurt and unbottle your sadness.

In the aftermath of my breakup I was so angry that I had stomach ulcers. In my rage I even wished death on my ex.     The injustice of it all felt so cruel and personal. In many ways my anger was easier to manage than admitting what was at the core of my hurt: my sadness, my disappointment, and being devastated by the end of a dream. Once I had the courage to face my true feelings the rage subsided.

So how to deal with rage? Get a therapist stat! Work out, Get a journal, keep posting and reading on here, understand as much as you can about BPD so you can learn how to depersonalize her actions, forgive yourself, be patient with your healing, and most importantly be kind to yourself.

Spell

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

I don't have rage, but every single day... .  throughout the entire day... .  I say to myself, “I just don't get it."

I have no idea why she left me given the fact that I loved her SO MUCH and I wanted a life with her so much despite all of the insanity. The big issue between us was that I wanted the hope of moving forward with a future together but she refused. And man it kills me because I just love that girl. I really, really do.

I've spent months reading about BPD and various sorts of therapies in case she ever comes back.  It's been beneficial to me too, but she is my focus. It's so hard to accept that I am one of the few guys out there who would be willing to adapt to work around the disorder, but that doesn't matter.  I am painted black.  I'm out of sight and out of mind. I am yesterday's garbage.

Making sense of why I have been dealt this hand in life is so confusing to me.  I wanted a healthy relationship with her.  With HER.  And for some reason, she came into my life and turned my world upside down despite all my love, and I'm forced to deal with this. I just don't get it. What's to learn when you want a partner in life and take so many steps to convey that and then they try to destroy you?  Is the lesson that we hung around too long because of codependent issues from childhood?  Guess what, I didn't have to learn that lesson in a healthy relationship. My codependency was absent for most of our relationship (thanks to years of therapy) but was triggered when things got bad. This is a lesson in life that doesn't feel like a gift, that feels like I have fallen backward instead of forward, and that I can never be grateful to receive.

I've lost love, happiness, self-esteem, sanity, and volunteer work that was important to me.  And I can't do anything to change that, other than to do the work to make sure it doesn't happen again. But that's not encouraging right now because I'm still struggling with the reality that this outcome is something I never wanted in a million years.

I'm not sure what's happened to this generation. Something's wrong and we're in trouble. The BPD impulse to run away vs. work together through tough times has me at a loss. There's strength in resolving problems and compromise, but I guess that's why they're not strong people.

Hey, I don't mean to hijack the post.

When you mentioned you don't get why your ex was doing that to you -  here is a quote from Bible, it helps me when I don't understand why my ex keeps doing the horrible things to me, and all I want to do is just love him: " Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing."

Hope it will help you at some point.

Hope this will help.