BPD Husband left on wedding anniversary

[Lolly]

My husband, has decided to leave myself and our 3 yr old daughter. Says he feels nothing for us just feels numb. I have been asking him to take responsibility for things, step up, grow up, stip drinkinking and be a husband and a father. Although a part of me Is relieved he has walked out I feel very upset.  Although he has been formally diagnosed as BPD, he always trys to say its me withh the problem and reading all these blogs etc I am wondering if he is right. Although I know he has to go and has been so hard on me, i still feel so bad and alone. Am I a BPD too?  Feeling very alone and upset tonight and doubting myself over every last word. Any support appreciated. X

[Bdawn]

Lolly of course you are sad and hurt to see him leave. It always hurts to say goodbye to someone we love even when we know the relationship we have isn't good for us.

Why do you think you may have BPD? It's normal to feel like the crazy one in these dysfunctional relationships sometimes, especially if our partner is telling us that. Once you have some space and time alone you might come to see things differently. I'm sorry you are hurting and hope you feel better soon.

[Surnia]

Lolly

so sorry about your situation! 

Feeling bad right now about he is gone must not mean you have BPD too.

Stay with your feelings, being relieved, upset, alone.

This workshop could be helpful: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”.

Do you have someone like family members or friends to support you?

[Lolly]

Thanks for your posts. I am feeling much better today. I think i was confused as although Im sure it's the right thing for him to leave I was still so very upset but I think thats just natural at the end of a relationship. I can see things clearer now and although Im still very upset I know Im going to be ok. Thanks for the support.

[Surnia]

Good to hear, that you are better now, Lolly. 

Keep us posted, how it goes!

[letmeout]

You will feel lots of different emotions as you go through this difficult time. Know that you are going to be okay, and be careful that you don't get sucked back in. 

[Lolly]

I am struggling today again. He was supposed to come and see our little one and have lunch with us. When he called at 2pm I was very short with him on the phone (little one was hungry and we had been waiting around). He proceeded to put the phone down and switch off, we have not heard from him since.  He had some nasty cuts on his wrists the other day, said he did them at work. I am now fearing he is hurting himself and have been worried sick all day and now cant sleep. I am back to work tomorrow. Feeling overwhelmed with it all and very anxious. Feeling guilty that its all my fault again, I shouldn't have been snappy, but Im only human and feeling under great stress, also feeling very sad and upset. This is so hard, i feel he is punishing me deliberately. Why have I done to deserve this... .  

[letmeout]

He is getting a reaction from you; just what he wants. I use to worry when my ex-to-be would try self-harm and suicide. Eventually I learned that it was all just a sick ploy.

Let it go, it not your responsibility to fix him.

[rockinaz]

You mention the sick ploy of things like threatening self harm or suicide.  I put up with that for 18 years and felt guilty for "causing" my BPDw to feel suicidal.  I always blamed myself and fell for her ploy.  Then a t told me to call 911 when she threatens like that.  A few visits to our home by the sheriff dept and a trip or two to the suicidal ward in the hospital, and she no longer seems to have suicidal thoughts.  She did bring it up a few months back while I was on my way to work. Texted and called threatening to burn down the house and kill herself.  My two children were still asleep and my dogs were in the house.  I called 911 and the sheriff dept beat me there.  When they arrived and spoke with her, everything was completely normal and she had no thoughts of damaging anything or hurting anyone.  Fortunately I saved her texts and voice mail to show them.  County mental health reps were dispatched to speak with her due to her history.  She agreed to get into counseling.  She promised me too.  I knew it was just another promise she would never keep.  I even gave her phone numbers for a few counselors.  Nothing.  Now we are getting a divorce.  Our wedding anniversary is in a few weeks.  It would be perfect to have our divorce finalized on that day.  I see our marriage day as the start of the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life.  Now our divorce will be one of the best. 

Your husband will never take responsibility.  People like them are incapable or unwilling or both.  Mine feels no responsibility for a thing she has done.  Only projects blame onto me.  We are better off without them  Get out while your child is still young.  I stayed for 19 years and both my children have suffered and are damaged now.

[Surnia]

Lolly   

I feel your pain, fear, feeling guilty. 

I was there too.

Take some deep breath.

It is his choice not to come.

Time to practice some detachment. We often tend to take responsibility for your partners feelings and doings. Try to step back a moment. Each time you feel guilty take a deep breath.

One thing that helped me very much about mental illness and my role in it: YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT.

[letmeout]

rockinaz, you are so right. Growing up with a BPD damages the children, and mine are grown men now, but they both married female versions of their father.

I don't understand it because they hated him when they were growing up. So why would the offspring marry someone like their ill parent,  trying to fix what they couldn't as children?

[Lolly]

I am aghast at todays developments. After NC for a couple of days, he showed up at home today unexpected. I popped in from work in the middle of the day and he was staring into space, said his work was cancelled due to no materials and that his drugs (fluoxetine) have been increased and its sent him all spacey. After dropping everything and calling round his doctors we were eventually advised to take him to A&E which I did.

Since I got home I have learned he didnt even show for work and had been at our place all morning (now I realise he was probably sleeping). An A&E doctor called me they say the dosage he tells them he is on is over the recommended level. They cant check as his doctor is on holiday till next week. They say the drugs could be effecting him but they are unsure, they feel the same as me, is he putting all this on for attention and because he doesn't want to go to work. Does anyone have any experience of this at all? I am concerned that if he doesn't go to work I will be liable for him and his loans as well as keeping a roof over our heads not sure where I stand legally I think I need to seek some legal advice? How do I find a lawyer with experience of BPD? Any support appreciated, I am getting very nervous.

[Surnia]

Lolly

So sorry! Good he is under medical control right now.

I would be nervous too. 

For the legal matters: You can post your topic here on the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody Board.